[ FEMALE READER ]
A/n: References to the bible, mentions of the death of a parent. I needed to vent. Some how. This is the nightmare I've lived through. The one I wish I would wake up from... every single day. These are thoughts I've had through my healing, things that have happened since then.
Grief is like drowning.
Unlike what people think.
It's silent.
It suffocates you until you give up....
Or find your will to fight it
~
"ITS BEEN TWO YEARS!" The first trails of tears had carved the road for the future tears to follow. Their trails overflowing, the fresh tears leaving new trails for those following. "It hasn't gotten any easier, I haven't learned to deal with this loss like everyone said I would" eyes red, swollen from the hours before the android had come to check up on the girl. Cheeks red, mouth opened taking in and letting out laboured breaths.
She had returned home a few hours prior, a smile plastered to her face when her two year old German Shepherd had jumped up to greet her.
Luna, the pup was 8 weeks old when she first went home with the girl, to the house her mother and father lived in together. Their android a PL600 named Simon, curious of the small excitable bundle of brown and black fur, with brown eyes to die for.
•••
A new member to their growing family as of August 20, 2034.
Two months.
71 days.
1,704 hours.
102,240 minutes.
Luna knew her 'mother's' father for 1,705 hours, before he didn't return from the hospital.
She was there that night, asleep on a couch, only to be waken by her mother, tears flowing down her cheeks, like an unstoppable river. "Go tell your dad you love him" those words still haunted her to this day.
1 Year, 8 Months and 9 days.
14,808 hours
There is never a moment where she felt like she could have been a better daughter.
Told him
She love him more
Everything she ever did, be it sports or school, she did it for him, it was always for him.
She thrived to make him prouder then the day before.
When she made her states (sport) team at 14 he was at her side, giving her the prep talk she needed before the game, in front of hundreds, on camera for thousands, representing her home town. He took the overwhelming fear away. He was there when her team won gold.
He knew everything to make sure she pushed herself to the limit without feeling like she was ever going to give up. At 15 try outs happened once more, and he was at her side once more, although it was different, her uncle stepped in more because her father, most days was too sick to go to the gym to help train her. Her drive was stronger then ever, he drive to make her father proud once more, and take him to Toronto Ontario for the games...
He passed away... two months before she went to the final phase of the try outs. Heartbroken she continued, balancing school, training, and her school sports on her already unstable shoulders she pushed on. Her goal still to make him proud, at 16 she represented (sport) for (State).
Their team falling short to New York.
Blurs of purple clouded her vision.
Failure
A hand dropped from where it reached desperately for the back of their purple jersey. Like a flame it burned her wrist, the same wrist she had nearly broken 10 months prior. It burned the flesh, in the wake of the burn. A silver metal laid in its place.
She could have done more.
If she had pushed herself more.
Willed herself to what she knew she should have been able to do.
"I'm a failure..."
•••
"I'm still as broken as I was back then... I'm worse then two years ago" her hands clenched at her sides, eyes closing, her tears flowing like a stream, leaving in their wake a plea for help, to end the war battling within herself.
"I don't know what to do anymore, I don't want to worry my mom... my friends think I'm fine" her jaw clenched as she choked back a sob. "I'm not, I never have been. I try to be but it doesn't work anymore"
•••
He was the one she looked up to, a beacon of hope for their future, the torch that guided her through her darkest tunnels. To the future she wanted.
•••
She brought her hands to her eyes, and rubbed desperately, to rid her eyes of the burning the tears left in their wake. To rid her cheeks of the streaks carved into her skin by the first tears to fall.
Hand grasped her wrists lightly yet securely, pulling them from her eyes, a feather like touch. One she shad not expected.
•••
She didn't sob during the funeral. Not during the day at least. Only silent choking on the drowning feeling of grief.
"Am I broken"
Her eyes were dull and lifeless as she stared at her hands, her mother's arms wrapped securely around her shoulders, bringing her into a hug.
Tears were shed by only one of the two here, her mother.
"I have to be strong for her"
Silent nights, with everyone else in bed, she cried. Cried into the early hours of the morning, the birds lulling her to sleep.
She hardly spoke, not to her mother, not to her friends, she just sat, hand clasped together in her lap. Headphones on, through lessons and conversations.
She was silenced by grief.
Angry to the man she and many of her family looked to for guidance.
"I prayed to you for him to be healed"
A hope sparked by prayers, corrupt in one single night.
"I hate you. You don't care."
•••
A hand gently rubbed the tears from her cheeks.
"Let not your heart be troubled"
•••
"He trusted you... I trusted you and you took him from me"
Slowly her days of silence turned to days of fake smiles and fake laughs.
Her only friend to know the true pain she felt day in and days out was one hours away from her. One she talked to online.
A security from a girl hours away.
•••
She took a short breath, her eyes opening to look into those of the blue eyes of the android in front of her.
"I want it to stop..."
•••
"You were a grade A student..."
The conversation soon fell to deaf ears.
Referrals to the councillor became a regular thing, teachers who she used to converse with regularly concerned.
"I know how hard it is for you" the conversations always went down this road. Yet her reply's never really changed.
"You don't know a damn thing"
•••
Her hand gripped the androids hand tightly with in her own.
"I don't want it to hurt anymore..."
•••
"Talk to your mom, she lost her dad at a young age too"
Those were always the words from her teachers who had taught her mother.
She never replied to these the words running through her head.
"I don't want to worry her, she's already has enough to deal with"
She would only nod.
•••
Fresh trails of tears slid down her cheeks, her body flush against the androids, her head nuzzled into the crook of his neck, arms wrapped tightly around his body.
A hand ran through her hair, LED flashing a rapid red before settling on yellow.
"'Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also.' John 14..." the males arms wrapped tightly around the (h/c) haired girl, a sob shaking her body.
•••
"You have to go to school!"
Her moms voice shook the walls, the anger created by her daughters unwillingness to get out of bed for the third day in a row.
"I miss dad..."
•••
"I miss him" her voice was quiet, hoarse and raw.
"I know" the android muttered, his feet leading them back towards her bed. He turned the two so he laid on his back. The (e/c) eyed girls head rested upon his chest, the sound of his synthetic heart lulling her to sleep.
"Don't ever leave me Simon... please" her hands tightened on his shirt, her face buried in the fabric.
"I won't, not ever."
•••
"He doesn't talk to me anymore"
"What did I do wrong?"
"Lesli? Please... what did I do wrong. Why did he leave like that..."
•••
"You lied to me Simon..."
her hand gripped her shirt tightly, Luna whining at her side.
"You lied...."