Louis wakes up sweating, he feels something hot next to him and he asks himself why the hell did he covered himself last night with the sheets, since it's not usual from him. Otherwise the other mornings, he feels happy, weirdly happy even. Something is out but he wants to keep it this way even if he feels his mouth dry and desperately needs a glass of water.
He tries to move from his place, to stretch himself but the body wrapped around his chest doesn't allow him to. He looks at the side and sees Harry with his eyes shut, long eyelashes gently touching his cheek bones, lips parted, long hair resting on his chest, he's sweating as well and his cheeks are a bit rosy. Louis gives with himself smiling with the sight and doesn't hesitate on caressing his temple and giving a kiss on top of Harry's head.
When he sees Harry moving he panics and silently prays for the boy staying asleep because he has the feeling that he had one of those dreams again because he's with a morning boner and fuck, no, Harry is right next to him. But the curly boy only adjust himself on his best friend's body and groans a bit, brushing their skins together.
That's when Louis freezes and opens his eyes widely in shock. He feels something hard on his leg as well and he is sure his cock isn't that big. That's Harry's. Harry is fucking naked, wrapped around him. He is fucking naked in the same bed, with his best friend and both have a boner.
"What the hell." He whispers and tries his best to sit up on the bed, making Harry pulling away from him. He's literally in panic, confused and he never wanted to get the hell out of the bed in the morning so bad. That's really weird for Louis, especially when he has Harry cuddling with him the way he is. These times he just wants to stay in bed all day holding his life in his arms.
His life.
"Oh my god," Louis is fighting with himself. He has his heart racing and he takes his hands to his forehead and pulls his hair out, trying to catch his breathe. "Holy shit." He can only say sentences like this.
His hands slide down to his face and he rubs his cheeks hardly. "What the hell did I do?" he looks down at the peaceful boy and it doesn't make him less anxious because Louis has this thing of examining Harry's face to the little detail and that not only makes him adore his best friend even more that also makes him notice the hickey exposed on Harry's neck.
That's it. Louis remembers and that's why he's hard right in the morning. It wasn't a dream and he drugged his best friend. He drugged his best friend and then he fucked him senseless like he always wanted. Louis took Harry's virginity and that won't make Harry happy. No, fuck, he just lost his virginity to his supposed straight best friend with who supposedly has a platonic relationship. This is so messed up.
Did I hurt him? Louis thinks. He doesn't see Harry having lube around in the house so he went deep and dry on Harry.
Of course Louis wanted to be Harry's first. God, if he wanted... But before fucking him hard – or let Harry fucking him – like he dreamt about, he wanted to make love to him. He wanted it to be gentle, tender and filled with passion. Maybe he would take Harry to a nice restaurant, to their first date, – because no, they never went on a date, of course not – then they would take a walk on the moonlight and just afterwards Louis would bring Harry home – or even to a nice and sophisticated hotel – light some candles, put on those calm, relaxing songs that Harry likes to hear while bathing, serve some champagne and spread roses – better, daisies – around the big bed full of pillows. Cliché, but Louis knows Harry would love it. He'd offer it to Harry, would make it perfect for him.
But it's not like Louis had ever thought that he would ever go this far with Harry. They're best friends and best friends only. Harry made it clear that they can't. More like he doesn't want to. They never talked about that day, when Louis made it clear that he wanted Harry to kiss him and he denied it and even if they should have, Louis knew how the conversation would went to.
What is he even thinking, years ago he had sure he was straight and for Harry he still is and now he is thinking that way about his best friend. His best friend. That would screw their friendship and Harry doesn't deserve it. Louis doesn't want it.
He stands up from bed and walks around the room to find his underwear. It's not here. So he opens Harry's drawer and takes a pair of clean briefs to put it on. He's shaking and his whole body hurts, which confirms a lot. His memory is blurry but he had done drugs many times so it's not like the whole night had disappeared from his mind. Much the otherwise, he has too many images and he can't pull them away. He has to, otherwise, he will fall in love with them. Will want them to stay.
He walks around the room with his legs trembling, talking to himself, calling himself names, pulling his hair out, feeling the tears by the anxiety filling his eyes and he even lets out a sob coming from his lips. He gives big steps now, causing his pinkie toe hit the leg from Harry's desk.
"Shit," he curses due the pain and the noise it makes. He brings his foot up and massages the toe with his fingers not giving the attention to the book that fell on the floor, just yet. He looks at the bed nervously to be faced with still a sleepy naked boy under the sheets. Beautiful.
Finally, he grabs the book from the floor, leaving something fall from between the pages. He groans and crouches himself one more time to catch it. Although, he stops looking at the little thing on the floor. It's a dry daisy. It's small and Louis grabs it delicately in fear that it might break. He examines it and wow, he is almost sure that's one of the flowers he gave Harry when they first meet. And he smiles. He smiles, because if that's the flower then he just wants to wake Harry up to hug and kiss him to tell him without words how much he loves him.
He looks at the book he has in hands and asks himself why the hell Harry saved the flower in here. Then it hits him. He knows this book. I mean, it's not a book, is Harry's journal. It looks old but it makes it look pretty. There are lots of pages out of place and others that he is sure that don't belong to the book, so it's very full and big. The cover is light brown, it has some words inked in black, a paper stuck with tape in a familiar hand writing. Louis' hand writing. It says: Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. And he remembers the day he found that poem somewhere, or maybe it was even his mother who said it to him and he wrote it down to give to Harry because it reminded Louis him.
There is also two pictures glued on the cover. One of their cat, Daisy, and the other is Harry and Louis, eight years ago. It was their first taken picture where they're playing with the leaves. Louis can't believe the things Harry made him do.
He sits on the floor now, without strength on his legs to pull himself up again and rests his back against the desk he hit before. He never, ever looked inside Harry's journal. Harry only showed him once and even then, it was Louis who pecked to see Harry drawing the Christmas tree Louis had gave him. So he thinks, not twice, but thrice before opening it, because if Harry never showed him it, it means that he doesn't want Louis to see. Which pains Louis a little because they're supposed to be one person and the fact that Louis knows nothing about the secrets Harry keeps in this journal, makes him a bit down. But it's okay, it's healthy having this secret.
The secret that won't be for so long because Louis can't let this go now. It's been years and now that he has the opportunity to he needs to peck. Just one page. Okay maybe two, that won't hurt, because the first ones are probably when Harry was seven so it's probably doodles and scribbles.
So he looks up one more time at the sleepy boy and turns his attention to the piece of art he has in hands. When he opens it, the first thing he sees is one card and he knows this card. It's the one he gave Harry for Valentine's Day. God that was the stupidest thing he had ever done but is glad that Harry kept it. He goes through the first pages to find draws Harry had done and now he knows what Harry did while they were together when they were kids. It's just drawings of what was around them and more daisies and flowers.
There's a moment when he flips a page to the other that he sees a lot of development on the writing and drawings. He remembers that they reached a time when Harry would give all his attention to Louis and he wouldn't bring this journal with him anymore. That was when Louis knew Harry was truly comfortable around him.
Then he reads a description about some smells, texture and even feelings and Louis didn't notice, but that was the description about what and how Harry felt when they had their first kiss.
He makes his best to keep the tickets and coupons in place after flipping the pages. When Louis not-so-accidently reads the words written on the beginning of the page he has sure he had heard them before.
I love your smile, especially when I'm the reason of it.
You are my favourite person in the world so don't you dare to leave me, I love you so much.
And then the note at the end [I followed those words and that made me wake up from life.]
So Harry was listening to him while he was sleeping in that hospital's bed. So Louis had no reasons to feel relieved after thinking Harry didn't hear his desperate words.
He kept skipping pages and reading the things he's sure he had said to Harry before.
You belong here. You belong here with me. I want you here, I want you okay.
I'd like to say you're like a petal of a flower. Delicate, beautiful and wanted. I know the petals from flowers always fall but you know what? I'm going to be there to catch you and save you. Because I just want to keep you
And I have you. That's enough.
Be with me always.
Promise.
And Louis is smiling till now, reading all these words he once had said with honesty and speaking with his heart. He can't even believe that Harry had memorised them to write it down, he knew his best friend had a good capacity to memorise things but he never imagined he was using this gift for this.
However, Louis' smile vanishes while flipping some pages. He dares to read a few but tears start streaming down his face and falling down on the paper. It is painful reading the things Harry wrote through the days when he didn't have Louis. The days Louis decided not to be by his side, without noticing and he is seeing it on the words Harry had written how down he was feeling, the angst is being felt by Louis now and it is as if he is watching the moment Harry was giving up.
I'd like to believe, and I tried to make myself believe, that other people aren't medicine. Because they can make to you the total opposite. They can throw poisoning at you and you can look fine on the outside, but you're dying on the inside and you won't have any warn up call telling you that your time is coming.
I don't know what I did. I just wished he could look at me the same way he looked two months ago. That he even looked at me, but if I think this way, I'm going to use his eyes as medicine to me and that will only make me drown on a pool of lies and words that would make me fall in love with life.
Even though they say that time heals all wounds, my scars will always be here and I can't forget what happened. I can't forget how I felt.
It scares me sometimes the emptiness I see in my eyes when I don't have anyone to fill it.
Louis cleans his face with his bare arm and sniffs a bit to control his breathe. He can literally feel the struggle, the pain Harry was handling and for much he wants Harry to always tell him how he feels, this time was better if he didn't know a thing. So he flips more and more pages and he wished the sad pages from this journal would be less.
For as long as I can, as long as you want me to. I'll hold you as long as the stars are above you.
You're kind of fucked up yes... but in a cool way. And you're full of the loudest secrets no one's ever heard but I am here to listen to them.
A sentence catches his attention when is underlined with all the strength Harry could put on a pen.
You promise you won't cut again, you promise you'll talk to me instead?
And right next to it there's promise written in capital letters and circled. And that makes Louis feel a bit better again because hell, Harry listens to him so attentively and Louis knows he won't ever break any promise. Ever.
Louis sees drawings again and for the first time he sees another colour besides black ink. There's blue, a mixed of several blues even and Louis looks at the drawing in awe. He can't fucking believe that his best friend had drawn his eyes, lovely coloured and made in a beautiful and realistic shape. In any language it would be a struggle to make a sentence exactly what Louis is feeling.
When Louis flips the pages it goes more forward than he actually pretends. There's two pages glued on the others and he sees squares before each sentence. There are some filled with a check and others that are still in blank. He reads at the beginning the title together let's... so he begins to read it all.
Slipt a milk-shake, check. Which makes Louis laugh because only Harry would remind himself to write this down
Go to the aquarium, blank. And fuck, Louis wants Harry to tick this as well.
Take a nap, check. He laughs again.
Get matching outfits, check. Is Harry even real?
Ride a Ferris wheel, blank.
Buy matching bracelets, blank.
Go on a road trip, blank. And Louis' heart beats fast while reading this because, hell yes he's going to make it for Harry.
Make breakfast, check.
Write each other letters, check. And Louis wants to do it again because when they first did it, they were like twelve, thirteen and they were across the street, in each sidewalk in front of their houses, writing stupid things on papers to fold it and put on the mail box of the other. It was stupid but it felt right and kind, because even if at the same moment they'd read it and smile to the other from the place they were and write a response and give to the other right away, it was the sweetest thing ever.
Get in trouble, blank. Well maybe that's going to have a tick soon after last night, Louis thinks.
Go to the beach, blank. But Louis promised he'd take Harry to the beach once and he will make it.
Go to a theme park, blank.
Sing together, check.
Build a blanket fort, check.
Stargaze, blank.
Go to the zoo, blank.
Pick out each other's outfits, check. Louis asks himself where the hell Harry had come with these ideas and why he never told Louis about them.
Go tanning, blank. Somehow, this one makes Louis shiver in a way it shouldn't because the vision of him and Harry laid down on the sand, feeling the hot sun on their skin, Harry shirtless next to him, probably a bit wet makes him want that hard. God, hard.
Have a Harry Potter marathon, check.
Watch fireworks, blank.
Fall asleep on the phone, check.
Go camping, blank. Louis would truly love going camping with Harry...
Get ice-cream, check.
Read a book, check.
Take a bubble bath, blank. This one makes Louis way too confused and he doesn't even want to question and think about it.
Go on a run, check.
Have a paint war, blank.
Slow dance, blank. God, Louis wants it.
Share popcorn at the movies, check.
Go on a classy-ass date, blank. What?
Kiss in the rain, blank.
"What?" Now he says out loud and with the shock he hits with his head on the desk making more noise. He even forgets about the rest of the list and the journal, rubbing the back of his head hardly.
"Lou?" He hears a morning voice coming from the bed and he nervously gives his attention to the sleepy boy, trying to hide the journal discreetly on his side. "What are you doing?" He swears Harry's voice sounds like when he was thirteen and was talking with Louis in that hospital's bed and sounded weak and like a little kid.
Harry rubs his eyes with his knuckles, almost like a kitten and Louis stops a bit to look at his best friend in fond. He tries to hold himself with his elbow, looking at Louis with semi opened eyes and with the sheets covering only below his waist and WOW. What an image, Harry looks so beautiful, his brunette curls going wildly all the ways, lips so plump, eyes so green and the light from the window hitting his shinning and soft skin.
"How did-How did we end up here last night?" Harry asks yawning and at the end curving his lips to smile at Louis, now looking at him properly.
"I don't-"
"Have you been crying?" His smile fades and he looks concerned now "Lou?"
Louis quickly passes his hands through his whole face, cleaning the possible tears created by the words he read previously. "No I was just," He chuckles to hide the nerves he is feeling right now and how his heart is beating so fast by listening to Harry's question. He doesn't know how they got in Harry's room last night either and he doesn't know if he wants to. He remembers too much already and Harry probably does too. He just needs a few minutes to wake up for real. "I hurt myself in the desk and... yawned. You know when I yawn I slip some tears." He jokes and prepares himself to stand up. He carefully takes the journal with him and places it on the desk, always facing his back at Harry.
"You sure you're okay?" Harry raises his eyebrow when looks at his best friend walking towards the bed, next to him.
"Yes, I'm sure." He smiles, but Louis' smile can't convince Harry. It can't convince anyone, he's so worried, so nervous right now that anything can hide it.
"Lou," Harry starts moving to approach Louis, taking the sheets with him – still not questioning himself why the heck he is naked – and then he just groans. He groans right in the first movement, in pain. And Louis knows he is sore. "Ah, god." He shuts his eyes trying his best to move "My whole body hurts," and in places where it shouldn't, he thinks "And why am I–" he starts, now finally referring to the fact of being naked. "Oh." Then he gets it and remembers. It comes blurry.
Louis' head drops and suddenly his own legs start to be interesting "I'm sorry." He whispers and Harry listens to it and thank god Louis isn't looking at his face right now. He looks so shocked, scared even "I'm so fucking sorry." Harry says nothing just keeps looking at his best friend with the realization that he lost his virginity with him and holy hell. "I didn't–It wasn't supposed," he sighs. What is he going to say? What does Harry wants to hear? "Do you–Do you wanna talk about it?" and god, Louis finds the courage to look at Harry
"I–We should, right?" Harry says stuttering. He's so fucking nervous and Louis just wants to hug his naked body and listen to Harry's voice saying that it's okay. It's always okay. They're best friends. But hell, they can't use this excuse now and how old are they?
Louis takes his hands to his face again and groans "We should." He answers "But I don't know wha-"
"It's okay." He hears and stops right away. He freezes. This morning is just a continuation of his dream from last night, for sure.
Harry bites his bottom lip and looks down, playing with the sheets, incapable to look at Louis right now. And Louis is glad he does it because he can't look at Harry as well but he also can't move. "It's okay Louis."
"Wh-What?" He stammers and he's sure if he wasn't sat he'd fall on the floor because of his shaken legs.
"It's okay, I mean..." Harry sighs "It's not okay but, it's done," He chuckles but Louis feels more like he's going to cry "there's no way back Louis and I don't know. Don't apologize. Because if you do, I need to as well. I'm sorry, god... that was crazy." He chuckles again and Louis wished he could shut him up by their lips pressed against each other. But he can't. "That was..." he scratches the back of his neck "Well, at least I lost my virginity with you." He laughs again, nervously. Christ, he is so nervous and Louis can see his hands shaking while he plays with the sheets with his fingers. "And I'm not going to be a virgin with eighteen years old. And I won't lose my virginity drunk with a stranger when I'm thirty years old." He jokes really trying to hide his discomfort
"Oh, Harry!" and Louis knows what he is feeling but he laughs a bit along his best friend just to make everything easier. But it doesn't. Harry stops laughing from a moment to another, dropping his face and expression again and he takes a deep, long and noisily sigh.
"Fuck, babe, come here." Louis says noticing how stressed and tensed Harry is right now and otherwise his words, it's him who crawls beside Harry and wraps his arms around Harry's warm body. He presses him against his chest and places a kiss on top of his head "I'm sorry, it's okay." He starts rocking his body along with Harry and this way he isn't only comforting Harry but is also comforting himself. "It's okay, right? We're best friends, remember." He says slapping himself mentally. Why does he had to say it like he said when they first kissed? It's pathetic
"Yeah... Best friends." Harry whispers and god his voice. His voice isn't okay.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought the pot I should have just thrown it away and not even ask you if you wanted it. God, I'm so stupid, I'm sorry if I hurt you I'm sorry if I-" he stops his rambling right there when was going to say I'm sorry if I liked it. That's the last thing he has to say. Not even the last, it doesn't even belong to the list.
"Don't put all the blame on you," Harry raises his head from Louis' chest and looks properly at Louis. God, what are they even going to be after this? Louis can't lose Harry, they can't change because of this. "it's my fault too, it just... wow, it's just wow Louis and I don't know how to feel about all of this. Jesus, you were my first," he panics "and you're my best friend and you're straight and you had a girlfriend before and I just feel so-"
"You're just saying shit," Louis interrupts his best friend "what do you even mean about me having a girlfriends before? Do you think I fucked her when we had sixteen? Hell Harry, you were my first too and you don't see me-"
"I what?" Harry almost shouts and looks shocked at Louis
"God, you do really thought I wasn't a virgin. So you kinda offended me previously, what's the deal about being a virgin at eighteen hum?" He mocks this time, damn he needs to let this go, they need to be okay even if they have to talk about it. They can't let this change anything, even if it's going to be marked on Louis like the kiss did, he'll handle it for Harry. For his friendship.
"I thought–Jesus, I didn't know..." he passes his finger through his hair, being stuck in a lock of hair that he takes advantage of it to untangle it. "Good to know," he says out of sudden "I mean, it's not like–it just-"
"Harry, please, you need to calm down."
Harry nods and breathes again "I'm sorry then. That your first time had to be with me while well... being straight and that stuff."
"Shit Harry, stop saying that I'm straight." Louis literally groans and let's himself fall in the mattress, throwing his arm above his forehead and looking at the ceiling.
Harry frowns "But isn't that what you-"
"I don't know. I don't fucking know what I am. Maybe I'm gay, maybe I'm bi, maybe I'm nothing even. I don't know, I don't care I just-" he sighs in frustration. What the hell is he saying? He is just making all worst
"You what?"
"Oh god," he hides his face with his hands again "forget it. Shit. Let's not talk about it. Let's not..." if Louis could have any super power he'd chose going back in time because that would be so useful for him. For their friendship. Because if he didn't have these memories, these things that are making his feelings growing up like this, like they shouldn't, he wouldn't feel the need to forget about things he should but that he just wants to relive. He wants to kiss Harry endlessly till he can't breathe anymore, he wants to make love to him every day, he wants to feel Harry naked next to him every morning for the rest of his life. He wants to spend his whole life with Harry and he hopes he can do it. He's not too young to think this way when he has a person like Harry beside him from who feels this way. This strong way.
"Okay," he hears Harry "Okay Lou." He feels the bed moving which makes him think that Harry is laying down next to him again.
So there's silence now. Lots and lots of silence and Louis is kind of glad for it because there's a lot of noise in his head right now. He hates himself for not having the ability to control his body like he wished and should, to control his mind. Someone is controlling all of this in his turn and he has a clue that must be Harry.
"Erm, Harry?" He hears himself some minutes later. He feels Harry's gaze on him but doesn't dare to look back "I forgot to tell you–to give you, your birthday present." He says after thinking and thinking about the better way to tell it to Harry. So he does the same ways he always ends up doing after thinking too much, he's direct. "So... we're leaving tomorrow to Liverpool."
~*~
»» Ahhh crappy chapter i know. but be attentive to Harry's journal is REALLY important to the whole story. Also, i'm posting new books and i'd love if you checked it ^-^ first is "yellow cab" and i'm soon posting another one (it's called "Safe Heaven" i can already tell you that), they're "coming soon" but i'm really excited for them. they're short stories so i'm still going to work on this one and giving it more attention.
My last book "Say Something" has reached +70k and i hope it'll reach 100k tbh. and i'm still receiving notifications of people voting it, it's insane , i'm so proud of myself for reaching that goal!! i love you guys, so i'm gonna start again with the goals in this one ahh but still keeping two updates per week
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