// you lined me up //
// across the room //
// two falling sparks, one willing fool //
// and i, i always knew //
// that i would love you from afar //
// it shouldn't come as a surprise //
// what i'm feeling, what i'm feeling now //
// it shouldn't come as a surprise //
// she's got darling (dazzling) eyes //
from afar - vance joy
::
It's not what Camila wants.
She knows she's been in love with Lauren since she felt the weight of the other woman pressed up against her side, breath tickling the side of her neck as Lauren snored lightly, sand prickling and itching her legs and arms, body strained and stiff from holding the both of them sitting upright in the sand the night they met.
That's the starting point. There are other times where Camila feels herself falling deeper—when Lauren hugs her first thing in the morning when she sleeps over, Lauren kissing her cheek as she leaves for work, Lauren bringing her lunch when she's hasn't got her paycheck yet.
And then there's Lauren's smile, crinkling her eyes and her bunny teeth peaking out from underneath her lips. Her laugh—head thrown back and wide, bubbling over her lips like badly shaken champagne. And her eyes—god, don't get started on her eyes.
They're so open and responsive, exposing Lauren in a way that may seem guarded but when Camila looks harder, she'll see the feelings swimming in Lauren's eyes.
So when she doesn't object when Lauren says she's happy with the way things are, it's because she sees the way Lauren sags against the couch, relief flooding her bones, making her pliant enough for gravity to wear her down—hears the sigh that comes deep from herself and eyes smiling softly up at her.
She hears the hesitance and the worry evaporate from that one sigh—feels the way Lauren is utterly relieved.
It's sad.
But she's in love with Lauren and maybe hurting is part of that.
::
She's stuck in another song. Camila has a vibe down, a song humming at the back of her head, begging to be made. Camila hears Dinah running up and down the halls, preparing for another date with Normani, when she feels her headphones yanked from the top of her head.
"What the—"
"Have you seen my VS lingerie?" Dinah asks, towel flapping behind her as she rummages through Camila's room.
"Wait, what—"
"Have," the blonde interrupts, eyes-crazed looking and panicked at the same time. ", you seen my VS lingerie?"
"Lacy, pushes up your tits real nice?" Lauren's voice drifts from somewhere deep in the apartment, making Dinah race outside to Camila's door screaming a yeah, that one that's probably heard by everyone three floors both up and down. "In the dryer, I was just about to put them in your room!"
"Thanks, Lauser!" Dinah then looks at Camila, smirking. "Girl even does our laundry, you should keep her around," Dinah winks, already causing another hurricane inside their apartment as she races to get ready.
Camila shakes her head, stretching in her chair before closing the file she's been working on, padding barefoot towards the living room where Lauren's got a laptop in front of her and a few papers scattered around.
"Hey," she greets, squeezing herself on the space between Lauren and the couch, hands kneading on the other woman's shoulders. ", didn't know you came over."
"Yeah, well," Lauren says, tossing another pile of paper on top of her laptop, sinking back towards Camila. "You're so into your work. I didn't want to disturb you."
Something struck Camila, humming under her breath for a bit, Lauren humming along to the melody she's got going on. "Can you write into you down on paper? I need to get back on that later."
"Oh, another song? You know you've never let me hear—"
"Hey, Camren, I'll be eating, I mean meeting Mani downstairs." Dinah laughs at herself, pulling on heels and reeking of sexual energy. "You better behave yourselves, yah hear?" And then she's out the door, heels resounding down the hall as she struts.
Lauren laughs, turning around from in between Camila's legs, straddling the other woman. "Whenever I think I've got Dinah's personality down, she always throws me off and surprises me." Her fingers laced behind Camila's nape, scratching lightly at the soft hair scattered there.
"Yeah, well, that's Dinah for you," Camila breathes out, hands grasping Lauren's hips lightly, thumbs resting against the hollow of her hip bones. "I'd rather not talk about my best friend now, though."
::
"Off," Camila says, voice rough, pushing Lauren away from where she was perched on Camila's lap, the movie playing in the background long forgotten. Lauren is out of her shirt the same time Camila turns the TV volume down, enjoying the pale skin silhouetted by the movie's lights.
Camila busies herself with taking off Lauren's bra, pulling the other woman closer to her lap, her face in eye level with Lauren's pale breasts—
"Laur?" Normani's voice rings out through the apartment as the door opens, keys jiggling and dropping against the ceramic hand for Normani and Lauren's keys by the front door. "Are you home?" The unmistakable tap of Normani's heels resounds through the hallway, Lauren leaping out of Camila's lap so fast and snatching her shirt before pulling it over her head. Camila has her back stuck to the couch, trying to calm her beating heart at how close they are to both getting caught and having sex.
"I'm—" Lauren catches her words, eyes straying to Camila's as she tries to fix her hair. "—we're at the living room."
Normani's heads pop in just as Camila reassures Lauren that yes, baby, you're hair's all good. "Oh, hey Mila, didn't know you came over," it ends in a question.
"Oh, yeah. Things got stressful at the studio with the new production and all so I got out early." Camila fidgets with her feet, choking on air as she notices Lauren's discarded bra under the coffee table. "So we're chilling with, uhm," she squints at the screen, completely forgetting what movie they watched in the first place. ", Easy A, yeah."
Normani stares at them both for a beat, before shaking her head infinitesimally. "Alright, I'll go change then we can decide on dinner. You're staying, right, Mila?"
And when Normani makes an off-handed comment about don't leave your bras lying around the apartment Lo, it's embarrassing for guests, she doesn't bother to hide her smirk when the two Latinas choke on their noodles.
::
They had sex in the dark.
With sheets smelling a less like Camila and more of them. It has been in the past few months.
It makes Camila think back to a demo she made a month back during her lunch break called In The Dark. That song is the innocence of wanting to know someone deeper when they're bone-tired, raw from the day's exhaustion, when there's no one to impress. When a person's run down to their purest form and honest.
This is the opposite compared to that.
Camila rolls on top of Lauren, panting directly against another mouth and another pair of hungry lips, swollen and bruised from being bitten too much. A hand travels down soft skin, forgoing taking of any clothes, as she touches Lauren inside her sleep shorts.
This feels a lot like too many pushed aside feelings in favor of not having to talk about what matters and what's obvious.
"Inside," Lauren gasps out, head pressing further into the pillows as her back arches from the not enough pressure of Camila's finger teasing around her clit.
This feels a whole lot like lying instead.
"You know how it is, baby," Camila says, willing her eyes to adjust, wanting to see how debauched Lauren looks at the moment. She stops moving, Lauren's whine of frustration ringing in her ears in sick satisfaction. "Come on, Lo." She says, dipping her finger down where Lauren's hot, wet, and dripping. "Beg."
Lauren goes still, hands fumbling for purchase on Camila's shoulders, back arching and pressing up against the firmness of Camila's body on top of hers. "Please," she begs directly against Camila's lips. The wind gets knocked out of Lauren's lungs, screaming silently the moment Camila thrusts one finger inside her, immediately wanting another one. "More, please, I need more, I need—"
The words—the desperation in Lauren's voice is a strong enough visual for Camila to put another finger against Lauren's fluttering entrance, Camila moaning at the obscene sound of Lauren sucking her fingers inside, green eyes hiding behind tightly closed eyelids, whining as hands wanders and looks for something to hold on to.
"That good?" There's a faint sound of the bed creaking, moving in time with how they move, and Camila has to kiss Lauren when she doesn't reply to her question, noting the way the other woman's mouth is unmoving against hers, stuck in a perfect o and a silent scream, back bowed tightly, relaxing as she lets out a breath.
The moment stretches on for eternity and a few seconds, suspended in heated breaths and hardly bitten lips to keep words they can't mean spill out.
"Oh, fuck," Lauren finally says, the last syllable stretched high as it melts into a moan, muttering please please fuck Camz please over and over again.
And then they're quiet. Lauren coming down from her high and Camila humming a melody against Lauren's cheek, lips pressed against pale skin, heartbeats slowing down as the early morning stretches on.
Camila makes a song out of Lauren's heartbeat pressed up against hers.
They don't talk about what it could mean, but they do it again.
::
A heavy beat keeps on pounding—the club wall against Lauren's back, the back of her head from way too much alcohol, and down on her cunt, Camila pressing her hips flush against the wall as she kisses her way under Lauren's bunched up dress.
It's Dinah's birthday, the hot heat of the summer sticking on their backs and laughter from slurring mouths gets carried into the breeze as they stumbled through this—third—bar of the night.
When everyone's loose and uninhibited from all the drinking and dancing, Camila hooks her arm around Lauren's waist, pressing closer to her and dangerous lips pressed against her ear.
"I want to taste you."
And that's when they ended up in a dark corridor, the bathroom just a few paces away from them from the corner, people coming and going, their voices and noise thrumming with the white noise Lauren hears in her head, heady with the feeling of Camila lapping at the skin of her inner thighs.
There's a whisper of keep your voice down and an assurance from Camila that I've been in this club lots of times before and no one's coming around here.
Lauren swallows down a bitter bile rising from her throat at that, disregarding the sudden jealousy that rushed through her veins.
For the year she has known Camila, she hasn't seen the younger woman date anyone, much less bring someone home from a club. They've been stuck at the hip for the better part since they met, and Lauren wonders just when's the recent Camila's been fooling around with someone else.
A broad lick from her lips takes her back to the present, head thudding backwards to the wall. She feels the bass of the music pounding against her skull, and she pretends that it's just her heart following the music's beat when she sees a glimpse of Camila's eyes, all soft and in awe, chin and lips shiny from Lauren.
For all the things Lauren can't catch on, she's always caught the soft look Camila gives her.
But the light is gone before she can look more closely and they kiss in the dark.
::
Lauren slips inside an apartment that's not hers, Camila smiling at her sleepily from where the other woman's leaning on the wall near the door. She tugs Camila to her room, the younger woman yawning behind a hand as the door to Camila's door clicks close, the lock resounding through the room.
"Hi," Lauren whispers, kissing Camila's cheek as she takes off her jacket, revealing her pajamas of sweatpants and a statement tee with lady lover stamped on. "You've been asleep all day, just how tiring was that new album you worked on?" Lauren asks, but was met with Camila's retreating back and a loud yawn.
Camila's already laying back on the bed, pulling the covers aside so Lauren can snuggle up beside her. She doesn't flinch when Lauren's cold legs tangle up with hers, pulling the other woman close so that they're noses are touching, breathing in one another and making a tiny world in between the two of them.
"Sleep," Camila says, voice laden with sleep, eyelids already fluttering close. Lauren can count how many eyelashes are brushing softly against soft cheeks, and if she took a moment to look more closely, there's the palpable love thrumming in Camila's veins. All for Lauren.
But she's closing her own eyes, already halfway to dreaming about the woman laying in bed beside her, set to give her a pleasant sleep but also to be forgotten as soon as she wakes up.
::
Lauren opens her eyes, feeling incredibly well rested, but the room's still dark. She feels Camila's breath fanning hot across the back of her neck, the other woman stirring as she moves to face her.
"Mm, morning, princess," rough voice presses out, Camila curling her arm tighter against Lauren, nosing against her widow's peak as she places small kisses there. "It's a little bit too early to be up, Lo."
Lauren's quiet, pressing forward to press a kiss against Camila's lips.
It's nothing than meeting of two lips, closed and soft, pliant from sleep. But then they start moving, still just lips, moving slowly against each other that feels a bit like the world slowly rotating, getting closer to the sun, getting warmer and hotter by the second.
They break apart, resting foreheads against each other, Lauren's eyes still closed as she feels Camila's leave small pecks against her flushed cheeks.
Camila rolls them, settling her weight firm against the gentle curves of Lauren's body under hers. Lauren feels fingers combing stray hair back, hears the faint hum of the air-condition, and then Camila speaks.
"Look at me, Lo," she says, hips slotting in between Lauren's. She does nothing, the weight of her pressed against Lauren lets the heat in between them rise up slightly. "Come on, baby, please?"
Lauren opens her eyes at that, instantly meeting Camila's eyes and she feels her stomach tingle, thankful for the slow grind of Camila's hips, distracting her as their eyes meet. "There you are," Camila says around a soft grin, looking a whole lot relaxed and—
(Lauren thinks she's seen that look before.)
"Camz."
It's unexpected and Lauren doesn't remember when Camila's hands snaked down her body, but there's an unmistakable press of Camila's fingers against her, rubbing slowly and using her hips as a leverage.
"Yes, baby?" A warm palm slides up and bunches her shirt low against her collarbone, nipples exposed and peaked as air blew around the room. There are fingers deftly pulling apart the drawstring of her sweatpants, being pushed down her hips as Camila settles more firmly against her, also naked from the waist down.
They kiss slowly, hot breath panting against each other, painting red marks down sides and backs.
Time flows and stops with each pass of exploring fingertips leaves embers of passion, licking at exposed skin and burning them both alive from the inside out.
"Fuck," the word falls off of Lauren's mouth, spurring Camila on, biting at Lauren's shoulder, nose pressed against a throbbing pulse. "Just—inside me, please, Camz, I need it. I need—" Lauren's voice is high, breathless, and begging; almost reverent in her plea.
And then Camila complies, thrusting two fingers inside Lauren at once, eyes locked with the tight expression on Lauren's face. Camila startles when she feels Lauren's hands fumbling its way into her shorts, pushing her underwear aside and mimicking both the pace and number of fingers.
Camila moans, unexpected and wanton, making her fall more heavily against Lauren, her hips driving her fingers deeper into Lauren and the older woman hurries to do the same.
It's downright erotic. Camila's pace falters as she tries to ride Lauren's fingers, but her current position and constant rocking of hips adds to the mounting pleasure Lauren can feel at the base of her stomach, crawling and rising—crashing and ebbing like waves being pulled of shore as a tsunami forms.
"Fuck, Lo, baby you're fucking me so good—" the last syllable stretches, Camila whining high to the ceiling as Lauren sucks on her neck, sloppy and messy and an accurate representation of them. They both shudder, full-bodied and wrecked, as an orgasm unexpectedly crashes against Camila. "Look at me, princess, look at what—mm fuck—you're doing to me—"
Their eyes meet and—
(There's that look again, soft and in awe, and Lauren figures it out.
It's how Camila's been looking at her all the time and she wonders just how long Camila's been in love with her.)
Her sudden realization throws Lauren in shock—
And then there's pounding at the door.
::
Beyoncé 6:03AM
mami
u up?
**mani
Normami 6:05AM
now i am u bitch
it's so early wtf babe?
i swear imma get a momma kink for how often u typo
Beyoncé 6:05AM
1 didnt know that gets u goin ;))
2 ur r00d
3 if u slept over, then u can hear for yourself
thAT OUR BFFS R BUMPIN UGLIES RN
damn
never heard mila this loud before
Normami 6:07AM
no further comment, your honor
and
????????
laur was literally here last night?????
Beyoncé 6:07AM
oh yeah sure
sO WHO TF IS THE LO BITCH MILA'S BEEN SCREAMING???
-_-
i know lo's voice in case u didnt knoe
sounds like crazy sex to me
Normami 6:08AM
fuck im wide awake now
do they know you're there?
Beyoncé 6:10AM
probs not, mila was sleeping when i came home
maybe she woke up after i slept
slr
lol
kafdkjladkfjlkdsf
Normami 6:11AM
Dinah Jane Hansen
what did you do?
Beyoncé 6:12AM
well
i need my sleep
and they sound like they aint stopping till it's noon
so
i opened my door loudly, drank some water
Normami 6:13AM
and?????
Beyoncé 6:13AM
i may or may not have banged at mila's door and told them to shut up
Normami 6:14AM
ohmygod
it's so fucking early for this
Beyoncé added Ally Hernandez
Beyoncé changed Ally Henandez's nickname to Smallz
Smallz 6:15AM
language
and what?
mani has a mommy kink?
Normami 6:16AM
out of ALL things
u notice THAT?????
Beyoncé 6:17AM
lol bah felicia
::
It's quiet.
There's a faint line of sunlight peeking through Camila's curtains, bouncing off Lauren's bare skin in a way that makes Camila want to caress the skin and leave bruising kisses at the same time.
The moment she reaches out a hand, that's when Camila realizes just how far Lauren is from her.
"Lo?" Camila's hoarse voice breaks the silence, the distance of the sheets between them feels a lot like a barrier than a few inches. She wants to reach out, wants to know what was going through Lauren's mind before Dinah knocked and—
"How long have you been in love with me?" Green eyes are trained on the sheets, Camila watching as Lauren's knuckles turns white as her fists clench and the fabric gets caught in between shaking hands.
She wills every moisture starting to collect at the corner of her eyes to be at her mouth instead, wishing for something other than the taste of Lauren on her tongue. Camila thinks she'll prefer the salty sting of her tears to numb away the feeling of wanting to break; thinks it'll be better to just keep everything inside.
"A little longer than a while now," is what she says anyway.
Lauren looks up at that, taking a shuddering breath as if she's dragging the whole universe inside of her, tugs her shirt down and the sheets up to her chest, curling farther away from Camila and then—
"Why?"
The universe exploded in just one word.
Camila laughs. She's been asking that same question to herself for months now. And even if with all the time in the world, she doesn't think she'll think of a good enough reason other than I just am.
She tells that to Lauren, watching as the tips of Lauren's ears get red and a flush creeps down her neck.
"You can't do that! We agreed to be friends—to not let this change us and, and," Lauren stammers, white noise prickling at the back of her head and tears stinging her eyes, tripping over her words. ", you're just in love with me because we're having sex!"
Camila bristles. She pulls at her side of the blanket and turns her head away from Lauren. "We both know that it's just not that." She breathes in, tries not to shake when she meets Lauren's eyes. "I'm in love with you, Lo."
Maybe Camila shouldn't have been brave.
Maybe she didn't take that breath to gather courage to meet Lauren's eyes.
Because now she saw the exact moment tears rolled down the same cheeks she whispered good night to lovingly the night before, sees the exact moment Lauren's eyes shut down and turned away from hers.
She wished she spared herself the sight of watching Lauren leave.
::
Beyoncé 6:47AM
so
i just heard them kind of screaming
Normami 6:50AM
we've already established that they're fucking, babe
Ally 6:51AM
laNgUAge
it's too early fo you kids
Beyoncé 6:52AM
nonononono
like fighting scream
uh
so i think lo just left...?
::
She doesn't run after Lauren, doesn't pull her back and say I'm sorry for saying that, please don't leave.
The words stay on her tongue.
And she watches Lauren go.
Because for all the things Camila regrets, especially to staying just friends, she'll never regret loving Lauren.
She's in love with Lauren and maybe hurting too much is a part of that.
::
im SO sorry for being MIA and if you're following me here on wattpad, you'll know that i've been having summer training for my college pep squad that consists of 12 hours of work out/training and between that and resting, squeezing in time to write has been hard and inspiration has been at an all time low lately, so please be patient with me. thankyou for reading xx