September 22, 2014 [date received]
September 15, 2014 [date sent]
Just a few more book to add to the collection. I won't go into detail.
I hope school is well.
Will update you soon on the tour.
-Ashton
The vague length of this letter was not even worth my time. I shoved the letter - note - in the first book and placed the six books on the shelf. I wasn't going to bother looking through the books and finding out what they were about. It was Monday, so fuck books.
Throughout my clothing construction class, I got no sewing work done. I sorted out my sewing kit and listened to Noelle talk about whatever was on her mind. She wanted to know what California was like because she had never been and she wanted to know if my brother would ever consider leaving Sofia, for her.
In English class, I tried to listen attentively to the professor talk about Edgar Allan Poe's writing style, but I was more interested in drawing circles in my notebook.
My last class of the day was canceled and that was much to my relief. Curling up under the sheets in bed was coming to me like an unhealthy craving.
And I craved the act even more when Jet stopped me outside the school building wanting to talk.
"Everything good?" Her army green messenger back was crossing her body like the first day I met her. "Noelle said you were really off in clothing con..."
"Monday Blues." I only shrugged. "I'll see you around, Jet." I gave her a tight smile before I walked off.
Steer clear of Jet - check
Maybe I wasn't the greatest person in the world, but I had tried to stay away from being confronted by her since I returned.
-
At seven o'clock in the evening, right on dot, Noelle showed up. She texted me that she needed to talk to someone and I couldn't say no, I wanted company tonight as I was feeling extra lonely. Noelle was not that bad on her own. She took some time to get used to, but she was actually fun to hang around with. She didn't constantly criticize everything like Jet. Only because the girl probably couldn't function even to have an opinion of her own.
"Hi." Noelle had both her hands full. "I'm glad I have the right room."
"Here are some flowers for your dining room table and a picture frame." Noelle handed me the gifts and I let her pass through. "My parents told me to never show up to a person's house for the first time empty-handed."
"Well, thanks for the flowers and picture frame," I set the vase of daisies in the center of the dining table. The yellow really brightened the place with the dark colored furniture I owned. "It's really sweet of you to bring something."
The picture frame traveled with me to the couch and I set it on the coffee table. I began to think about the picture I'd put in the frame. Maybe one of me and my parents. That would be nice. "So, what did you need to talk about?"
"Jet." So, if Jet couldn't get to me, she was going to send Noelle to do her dirty work. Why was I always surprised by the things people did? I wanted to look off in the distance and give a narrow-eyed look to the invisible camera filming me like I was on The Office.
"What about her?" I tucked my legs under me, hugging one of the decorative pillows from the couch.
"There are somethings you don't know about her, somethings that I just learned about her..." Noelle was already flustered by whatever she was planning to spill. She was so flustered, that it made me want to talk to Jet instead. "She's tried to tell you herself, but she gets the idea that you want nothing to do with her."
Well, good. I was happy she thought that. No one wanted an over-opinionated bitch in their life.
"Is she like a murderer or something?"
Noelle's eyes widened, giving a good sight of her blue irises, "No! It's nothing extreme, just something you should know..." She braided and unbraided her hair many times during this "talk."
"Okay..." I picked at the tag on the pillow so bad it was starting to fall off.
"She, well, goes for both teams. She gives herself options... she-"
"She's bisexual." I cut her off.
Noelle let out a long breath, "Yes."
"And why would that be a problem for me?"
"Jet has feelings for you. She talks about you a lot, it's really annoying. She doesn't really like Ashton too much because she feels he's in the way of you and her having something... I don't know..."
I did feel relieved that I was getting questions answered by someone. Noelle hadn't faked explosive diarrhea to get out of answering anything. "I'm flattered, I think? But I don't see Jet in that way." From a personal view, I didn't see anything wrong with Jet's preference. More power to her, but why me? I was me.
"Yeah, I figured." At least Noelle was on the same page as I.
Noelle left some time before ten at night. After I concluded I'd talk to Jet myself and sort this out, Noelle and I watched television. We bonded over being reality TV obsessed. Noelle was a person we all had to give a chance to because they ended up being a lot less worse than you originally thought. It was amazing what a person could prove to you.
-
September 23, 2014 [date received]
September 16, 2014 [date sent]
Hello,
I'm writing this letter because sleepless nights have become a regular thing for me since that day you walked away. I can't sleep because I have a guilty conscious. I can't sleep because I don't have you. I can't sleep because we aren't talking and I don't think we will be talking the day you receive this letter.
I miss you, you know? I sit in and listen to your phone calls with Luke just so I can hear your voice. You sound so happy without me and it feels like I'm getting stabbed repeatedly in the heart with a pole. Last night, I dreamt about you, about us. Everything was okay, we were okay. We were very much in love, but then I woke up to reality. I remember you mentioning that you have dreams like that sometimes. Everything is wrong in waking life, you dream about the perfect life and you wake up to be disappointed by the fact that you were just dreaming. I finally understand what you were saying and it sucks because I woke up and reached over for you and you weren't there. That's when it hit me that it was a dream. I have not slept since and I do not want to sleep if my dreams are betraying me.
Not talking to you everyday is weird. I think humans should not have the capability to get used to something when it can be taken away from you, it ruins us. Maybe that was the plan for us all, to try to ruin us and only the strongest make it out alive and successful and happy. It's a convincing argument.
Here's the part of this letter that I do not want to write, but I have to tell you somehow. I can't do this over the phone or through text, I can't even bring myself to go to your doorstep and tell you in person, I am that ashamed.
Sarah had bought tickets to one of the shows in Chicago, that was cool with me because she's a fan of One Direction as well, I wasn't going to stop her, but it didn't make sense for her to go to a Chicago date when we had plenty near Los Angeles. I tried to not think anything of it until the night after the show. Someone invited her to go clubbing with us, I kept my distance I promise. But a few drinks later, I was in the bathroom with her and we were making out. It's not something I would've done if I was sober. I'm so sorry Talia...
The last thing I remember is taking Sarah back to the hotel we were staying at and we moved our make out session to the bed. Then clothes were flying and I was running blank on what happened after that the next morning. The hickeys on my neck and chest confirmed what I didn't want to be confirmed.
That's why I have a guilty conscious, that's why I did not reach out to you for quite some time.
To make matters worse, Sarah also showed up to the Pasadena show, ready for round two. That was the same night of Xander's party, I didn't show up because I gave in, Talia. I don't know what she would have done to me if I didn't let things happen. I wasn't just going to show up to the party with another girl's scent on me. How would that look to your family?
I'm so ashamed of myself, T.
I hope this answers your questions. I will no longer bother you with letters, packages, calls, texts, etc. This is for the better. I've hurt you, I've ruined what we had, and I'm truly sorry. But things will be better this way, you will be happy and I will learn to be happy...
We loved with a love that was more than love...
Wishing you the best,
Ashton
If there was a letter I didn't want to receive, it was this one. I crumbled the paper in my hand and dropped it to the floor. Did he really believe this was for the better? We were each other's light, the thing that helped the other get through the day. Was everything ending in a simple letter? It was a sad thought to know I wouldn't get the chance of a face-to-face conversation and figure out why.
My next question was, how did the paparazzi know about this before myself?
Why was I always left out of the loop?
I didn't grasp I was crying until I felt the tip of my nose tingling and my eyes stinging with tears. I was crying convulsively that I had already ruined my make up for the day.
I checked the time and I was already forty minutes late to my first class, so I made an adult decision to give myself the day off. I would not survive a Tuesday at this rate.
I swapped my jeans and blouse for sweatpants and a comfortable v-neck shirt. I didn't bother to toss off all the pillows from my bed when I went to pull the sheets down. Some pillows fell to the floor and others scattered the bed. At least I had pillows in my life. They were useful.
I felt like I was being drowned in a pool of loneliness or I intentionally swam to the deep end and couldn't get out now. And everyone I needed was out of my reach.