not edited
— m å n g a t a —
(n) the road like reflection of the moon on the water; sometimes indirectly translated as "moon path," or "moon river"
origin ; swedish
"Adri, babygirl, I know were both still mourning and grieving mom, but things are also slowly returning back to normal. Even though you're still a mess my dear," he gave me a look. A look I'd become all too familiar with - it was broken and desperate look, his way of calling out to me that he just wanted me to talk to him. But I had yet to figure out how to do that.
"But there's something I wanted to ask you," he looked a bit apprehensive.
"Sure, what is it, dad?"
"At every gala, charity event, dinner, and whatever else, you'd always find my arm around your mother's waist," he smiled wistfully.
"There's this one event this weekend at the Bohemian Loft. It's a gala and dinner and it's supposed to be my first appearance to one of these events since the death of my Alessandra," he frowned as he said mama's name.
"And Adri, this is asking a lot from you, my daughter, but I would love it if you went with me. But if you don't want to go, that okay too. I don't you to think I'm forcing you to go, with your father," he snorted, "But I'd really like you come with and-"
"Dad, I'll go," I stifled my laughs. My father was the literal definition of nervous right now and I was having a bit of a hard time trying not to laugh. He narrowed his eyes and scoffed, crossing his arms over his chest, "And here I was, thinking I was making such a nice gesture."
"And here I was, thinking my father, the drama queen, was gone," I retort sarcastically, "But yes, papa, of course I'll go with you." A face splitting smile took over his face and his eyes glinted with happiness.
And that is how I found myself, two days later after giving that answer, being dragged around the mall by my dad in search of an outfit for the gala that was tomorrow. He was playing stubborn, not allowing me to buy anything whatsoever and shutting down any argument I presented immediately, pulling out his wallet. We'd gotten my dress, - a taupe blush colored long sleeved maxi dress with delicate sequin and tulle skirt - and my jewellery, - long line modern bar threading earrings and a simple Italian rope chain. Lastly, we had to get my shoes and it was a literal war between my father and I.
"How about those," he pointed skeptically at a pair of shoes. I turned my head and my eyes widened - they were stilettos and looked to be about five inches.
"I'm really reconsidering my answer dad," I mutter.
"No, no, no, wait Adri, how about those?" I looked to find him pointing at what looked like three inch pumps. Don't tell me fifteen year olds actually walk in that.
"I think I have a fresh pair of white converse at home," I whine.
"You know, sometimes, I wonder back to what I was like when I was a child and it's just a distant memory, but then I realise, 'oh wait, I have you,' he said blankly and I burst out laughing.
"Adrianna," he whined, waving his hand over to the millions of shoes. I shrugged and looked at my fingers.
"Adrianna, oh my god."
"Adrianna!"
I jolted awake and lurched forward so that I was now sitting up in my bed. I was uncomfortably drenched in sweat, whimpering in pain, and I could not breathe. I was struggling to catch my breathe, fighting myself even, just to breathe. I began whimpering, feeling tears slide down my cheeks as I felt an unbearable pain in my chest. Phoenix sat before me, his hand grasping my shoulder in a tight hold. His eyes were frantic, wide with worry while my eyes widened from our close proximity.
And then I started crying.
He pulled me flush against his chest and rocked us back and forth. It couldn't have been any later than three in the morning. It had become a silent pact between us, I guess? I lost track of time, it didn't exist for me as days went by, moulding into weeks since my father's funeral. Throughout the past weeks, there were many times I'd woken up startled and drenched in sweat from dreams of memories I had with my dad and my mom. And every time, Phoenix had pulled me out of it and right into his arms. I wished this was all a dream.
Things were okay I guess since I fainted at papa's funeral. Well, it was far better than the time of mama's. I was surrounded completely by the gang and they were always occupying my mind with thoughts of now. Lately, you'd never catch me walking without any of them, though most times I'd spent with Phoenix. And I hadn't had anymore episodes of fainting; hell, I hadn't lost myself. I hadn't become blank, numb, emotionless; they all made sure of that. I wasn't given the chance to succumb to the darkness that wanted to consume me, to become a shell of a person that I could've become if they hadn't given me their attention. I always hated being the spotlight, the centre of attention, but for once, I don't think I could've been anymore thankful.
"What's got you thinking so hard, love?" Phoenix whispered in my ear.
I said nothing in return as I let my eyes wander around the beach bedroom of the Worthington's mansion. His words after I'd woken up from fainting at papa's funeral ringing clearly in my head.
"Adrianna, you have to move in with us. I don't want you by yourself, étoile filante."
And that's how I found myself comfortably situated in this coral and teal bedroom, across the hall from Phoenix. It was no dream.
§
later that day
We were laughing together and I found myself wanting to stay in the moment forever. The way he looked at me, the way he held me with my chest against his back and his back against the his bed as we were situated on the floor in his room. We were - well, I was - sharing small memories I had with my parents while he laughed at my expense.
"Hold on, I'm going to the washroom," Phoenix said when we calmed down and I moved off him. Just as he shut the door to his en suite, I heard his phone go off on the floor next to me. I hadn't exactly meant to look at it and intrude in his life, I guess, but once my eyes fell on it, it's like I couldn't help myself but read it as my chest began burning.
Infinity Summers; hey babe!
Infinity Summers; we're meeting tonight right?
Holy shit. So he does have a girlfriend! Or he's with her in some way, right? How stupid was it of me to actually think for a second Phoenix could care about me - hell! - even love me. Tears pricked at my eyes, but I kept them at bay and got up, leaving his phone on the ground and sitting on his bed. I busied myself with my phone and when he came back out, our eyes met instantly and he smiled. I smiled back, weakly. He took long strides towards me and took a seat next to me and of course, I could not help the goddamn butterflies.
"I think I'm going to grab a water and go for a run," I said and got up. It was the least suspicious thing I could think to say - given the time, five fifteen in the evening - because I go for a run everyday at this time. He pulled on my wrist and pulled me until I fell back on his lap.
"Don't leave," he murmured against my skin with a frown, "Everything okay?"
"Just anxious is all," I whisper. It wasn't a complete lie, being close to him made my anxiety shoot to the clouds. With that, I got up and walked out of his room into mine. I changed into black and pink track shorts, a navy tank top and grab my phone and earpods, making my way to the kitchen to grab an Evian water bottle. The rest of the gang is there, lost in their own worlds and I keep quiet as I walk out the kitchen and front door.
An hour and a half later, I've ran seven miles effortlessly and I'm sticky and drenched in sweat as I step through the front door of the mansion. Everyone's in the living room and suddenly I feel out of place being here, Phoenix was talking on his phone, smiling and laughing. I felt like crying again. Pyper and Talon were sitting together - at a safe distance - talking and laughing. Blake, Marl, and Judah were standing in the kitchen, each knocking back a beer and fooling around. Slowly, I felt myself slipping from whatever emotions I'd been holding onto. And so I became emotionless. I blanked out, fucked my anxiety, and forgot everything.
"Adrianna!" I hear Pyper exclaim happily, but I barely caught onto it.
"Adrianna?" Her voice becomes distant, "Oh no no no," her voice is faint and worried. Suddenly, being emotionless was the last thing on my mind as all my anxiety I was desperately trying to push away hits me in full force. In a flash of a second, Phoenix is standing close to me. So is Judah. I was going to breakdown. They both reach out a hand to me and I shake my head and bite down on my lip hard enough to draw blood. I literally could not breathe. As soon as Phoenix had a hold on my wrist, I was able to speak. Breakdown.
"No," I cry out, pulling away and running to my room. I locked the door and slid against my bed to the floor. I pulled my knees to my chest and put my head down. I felt pain, confusion, and most of all, broken. I cry. I just cry and cry.
Somehow I managed to dial Adrian's number. If only he would pick up. After a few more rings, he picks up.
"Hey Adri."
"A-Adrian," I cry helplessly.
"Adrianna, what happened," concern laces his voice.
"Phoenix," I breathed out, "I loved being with him, being in his arms, his presence, but I think he's with someone. Why do I keep having these false expectations and hurting myself? Why do I choose to torture myself like this?"
"Adrianna," he said sadly.
"And I don't know what to do. Every time I look at him, I feel the butterflies, but I want to cry. And lately, all I've been feeling is over anxious and just lost," I continue crying.
"Adrianna, you are way too overwhelmed. For now, please go sleep and rest, you need to clear your head. Call me tomorrow and we will talk. But right now, you need to focus on yourself. And maybe, I'll even catch a flight there okay?"
"Okay," I murmur tiredly. We both knew what would come tomorrow when I called him.
§
Getting up this morning, my eyes were red and puffy and my face was dry. I changed out of my running clothes and went to bed at seven fucking o clock and tossed and turned until twelve before I drifted to sleep. God, I'm really miserable. I felt anxious and tired, despite actually sleeping, and drained emotionally. I woke up various times through the night crying with my mind racing with thoughts. The one thing that wouldn't leave my mind was 'why did Phoenix have such an effect on me?' But the more I thought about it, the more I realised, that Phoenix, well he was just truly and utterly perfect. In my head.
I took a bit of a long shower and completely freshened myself. By the end of my little makeover, I believed I looked beautiful with whatever strength I had left in me. Dressed in a black with metallic silver pineapples jumpsuit, I was about to put on my Arctic Monkeys vinyl when there was a knock on my door. God, I hadn't left my room since yesterday evening. I opened the door to reveal Phoenix and there he stood in all his glory, dressed in black jeans and a black leather jacket with his hair swept to one side and his Raybans perched on his head.
"Hey beautiful," he said nonchalantly. What he didn't know - and probably would never - was that his words affected me more than anything.
"Hi," I simply stated.
"We're going out in an hour, just you and I. I have some place to show you, okay?" What the fuck, I thought, how the hell can he just show up at my bedroom door and say we're going out in an hour? What the hell do I do? Decisions, decisions.
"Okay, yeah," came out of my mouth before I could think. Oh for fuck sake!
"Great," he said, "Meet me outside by my car, yeah?"
"Okay," I said softly. Talking to Phoenix felt weird, my voice sounded foreign and distant. He walked off and I realised I had nothing to do within the next hour so I grabbed my phone and made my way to the kitchen for breakfast. Marl, Talon, Blake, Pyper, and Judah was there, but they were all quiet. I made waffles and felt all their eyes on me. Just peachy, I thought sarcastically. I spread cream cheese and drizzled syrup on the waffled before taking a seat on the bar stool by the island counter. I didn't want to feel so blank, but it just came too naturally to me. I lurked through my phone for missed calls and texts and just as I was about to bite into the waffle, he entered the room. I felt his eerie presence and for me, the entire atmosphere changed. Everything became tense and my anxiety skyrocketed once again.
"Where were you last night?" Judah asked.
"Out," was Phoenix's reply.
"Where the hell is out?" Judah challenged.
"That is none of your business," Phoenix's voice was a deadly tone, eerily low. Judah scoffed and all this time I hadn't once looked in any of their directions. I wasn't even mad, I just felt irritated. And that, I didn't know why either.
« T H I R D P E R S O N »
Driving down the freeway with Phoenix,Adrianna's thoughts consumed her. She didn't even realise the soft music he had playing; her thoughts alone were driving her over the edge.
"Everything okay, Adrianna?" He asked, his voice richly deep.
"Nothing's wrong," she states nonchalantly.
"Adrianna," his voice turned soft, but she shook my head and looked over at him. He was already looking at her, so she just smiled and then turned to look back out the window. He took her hand in his and laced their hands together and it took everything in her not to break down and cry. She felt as though her hands felt perfect in his, but he's with someone, she thought. The car ride to wherever they were going was silent, save for the silent Bach sonata he had playing. And then they pulled up to the building that looked much like a warehouse. It was perfect for pictures, definitely quality save for tumblr - *insert the smile of only an aesthetic girl*.
Then somehow, the though crossed her mind that Phoenix could murder her. Well, he is a gang leader, isn't he. Lovely, she thought.
"We're here," he murmured. He looked calm and collected and he wore a beautiful smile. Adrianna didn't move or say anything much, there wasn't much to say anyways. Phoenix got out and came to her side, opening the door for her. He held out his hand for her to take and she took it, but her moves were timid. She wasn't too sure how to act around him. He led her through the warehouse to a door in the very back that would lead them outside.
"Ready beautiful?" She nodded her head yes for she didn't think she'd be able to speak with the fact that he called her beautiful. He opened the door, leading them right to floral and botanical garden, hideout even. Flowers, plants, vines were all around, the sky was partially covered by a vine roof, and in the very middle of the hideout was a little butterfly iron bench. He pulled them in the direction of the bench and pulled her down on his lap.
"Th-this is beautiful," she whisper, completely amazed.
He had a look of love in his eyes while he spoke, "My mother, she always brought me here. She always made me tell her everything I was thinking, it was kind of our secret, I doubt my brothers and sister, even my father, knew about this place. We'd spend hours here.
"And so, I thought you'd like it," he finished a bit more nervously. She shook her head and looked at him over her shoulder, "I don't." He looked surprised before hurt starting taking over his features.
"I love it," her voice was faint, angelic even. And he wanted absolutely nothing more than to kiss her and call her his. But of course, he'd never tell her that. Phoenix wanted a lot of things with Adrianna, he wanted forever with her, he wanted to bring her the world in his hands, but again, of course she'd never know that. He couldn't bring himself to ever speak about his feelings. What she'd also never know was that she was the first girl, first person - aside from his mom - that he'd ever share this place with. He'd never tell her these things.
They spent a few hours more in the garden sanctuary before deciding to head back home.
Once again, Adrianna found herself not knowing what to say around Phoenix, so she stayed quiet and lost in her own mind. She stared at the pretty horizon, unknowingly losing her mind.
"Adrianna," he stated out of nowhere.
"Mhm?" She hummed back
"You're beyond quiet. What's wrong?"
"What's not wrong," she shot back. She felt such a mix of emotions, such a turn of them. She saw out of the corner of her eyes, his jaw ticked.
"Adrianna, what the hell happened?"
"I saw what I had to see," she murmured.
"What the fuck are you talking about?" Oh great, he was angry, she thought bitterly, he can go to hell. He has absolutely nothing to be angry about.
"I saw what I had to see," she said louder through gritted teeth as they pulled into the driveway.
"What are you talking about," he asked with a glint in his eye.
"Oh don't play stupid Phoenix," she projected her voice, hoping it wouldn't crack, "You know what I'm talking about."
"You're talking about the texts aren't you? From Infinity," he laughed maliciously.
"You figured it out," she shot sarcastically, "Aren't you smart?"
"You're funny Adrianna. Did you really think I liked you?" He scoffed, "I would never like you, you mean absolutely nothing to me," his voice was eerily low.
"What the fuck Phoenix?!" She yelled. Hurt was quickly taking over her features and he knew he was far done for now. But he'd have to keep playing the game wouldn't he?
"The only reason I'm even in Paradise Creek is to watch you as I promised your father I would let nothing happen to you. You have any idea how many people want you in their hands? I'm just protecting you, keeping you alive. You are literally no one to me." He watched as the tears burned her eyes, but she did good of keeping them in. He regretted every word coming from his mouth, but he couldn't stop. He hated the way she was making him feel.
But at the end of the day, he was only a boy in love with a girl. And what do they do when they're in love? They hurt the her.
And so, more bullshit came out his mouth before he could think, "I don't care the slightest for you. I'm only doing this for your father." That was probably the biggest lie he'd ever told in his life, his mother would yell at him if she knew how badly he was hurting this girl. He was doing it for her father, but not just because of that. He was sticking around because he was in love with her, he wanted her more than anything. But he was also protecting her. Her father had many rivals, all that would go at any cost to have Adrianna in their hands, and even though he promised her father, he promised himself he'd let himself die before anyone laid a hand on her.
"You're a fucking asshole, Phoenix," she laughed bitterly. She wanted to cry so bad, but she held them in. It became something she'd mastered very well, "I hope you go to hell," she said in a sardonic whisper, lowering her eyes. He felt that all the way in his heart, but knew deep down he deserved it. She had a quick change of attitude and he picked up on it, she became emotionless, and this time there was clearly no going back for her.
He laughed, completely losing his senses, and what he said next made her finally breakdown completely, "You are just a bitch, Adrianna," he all but sneered. She felt it pierce right through her heart.
"Fuck off," she screamed through her tears and ran out the car. God, I fucked myself, he thought.
She ran to the front door, to her luck it was open and everyone was there in the living room, but she couldn't care less. She took off in the direction of her bedroom and locked her door.
What the hell just happened? I don't think I've ever been this lost, she thought miserably as she put on her Arctic Monkeys vinyl and sat on the floor against her bed. She had her head in her hands and she cried relentlessly. The last thing he said to her ran through her mind like a broken cassette on repeat; it brought her right back to the night she'd overdosed.
What the hell was I even doing anymore?
All Adrianna could think about in the moment was how much she hated Phoenix fucking Worthington and how anxious she was.
She undressed herself and took another shower - a long one in which she got lost in her thoughts; once she got out, she threw on one of Adrian's sweatshirts and boxers she'd stolen before changing the vinyl to Beethoven and laying on her bed. She stared at the ceiling and thought, it's true when they say the darker the night, the deeper your thoughts. But that wasn't exactly the case right now, the late afternoon was just dark and gloomy and maybe that's why her thoughts were so cavernous.
next day
« A D R I A N N A ' S P O V »
I remember crying before falling victim to the sleep that wanted to consume me and now here I was waking up the my ringing phone and vinyl still turning.
"Hello," I answered in a tired voice.
"Adrianna!" Adrian's voice answered. Shit, I never called him yesterday.
"Oh, can I call you back in fifteen? I haven't gotten up yet," my voice was scratchy.
"Yes and I'm holding you to that," he replied, but his voice was far too serious for my liking.
I got up from bed, turning off the vinyl and pulled on a pair of joggers before going to the bathroom to brush my teeth. Once I was done, I went back in my room to my dresser and opened the bottom drawer. My breathing became heavy as I pulled out the bag that held all my pills. This shit caused so much in my life already, what's next?
Walking with my phone and the bag of bottles in my hand, I left my room for the kitchen. The gang was there, surprisingly even Phoenix was too. They were in the middle of a conversation when they suddenly stopped and I felt all their heads snap in my direction. I didn't acknowledge them.
I set - more like threw - the bag of bottles on the counter and I could make out at the side of my eyes all their jaws dropping.
"Wh-what are you planning to do with those," Pyper asked rather nervously.
"Don't worry about it," I snap, "You wouldn't care," I mutter. My eyes flickered up to meet hers and she looked scared. What for? I wouldn't know. Clearly, this isn't me talking.
"Adrianna, what are you talking about?" Marlowe asked. I was about to answer but my phone went off and of course it's Adrian.
"Adrian!"
"You said fifteen minutes Adrianna," he deadpanned.
"What the hell? I said fifteen... Oh wait it's sixteen," I chuckle nervously, putting him on speaker as I filled a bowl with pita bread.
"Exactly, that's what I thought.
"Whatever. How are you feeling?"
"I'm definitely not myself, that's for sure," I mutter.
"You brought out the pills didn't you," he uttered under his breath.
"I hardly even think I'm in my right state of mind right now."
"Adrianna, what the hell is going on?" He all but demanded.
"Oh, I don't know," I said rhetorically, "Maybe I'm all alone. Maybe I should be dead," my bottom lip quivered. This wasn't me, this wasn't me, this wasn't me, a voice in my head chanted, but another voice was fighting it. And it was stronger.
"You know, someone called me bitch yesterday," I whisper, "And they said it with so much passion, it burned right through my heart. And you know the first thing that came to my mind?"
"The night you overdosed," Adrian breathed out.
"Ding, ding, ding!
"That is exactly what went through my mind before I took those pills and collapsed. My mind was screaming that I was a bitch. And a worthless slut," I snickered, "Because Axel made me feel that way when he did what he did in the locker room only a few days before.
"And obviously, my mind is always a raging war, so I believed what that voice was saying in my head. Actually, it is kinda funny if you ask me because come to think of it, I am still a virgin," I said quietly and took a seat on the couch.
"I don't know, Adrian, maybe it would be better if I wasn't here. I don't think I have much to live for, mama's gone, so is papa. I wanted to grow up an bet a better version of myself, but it looks like I'm far too ruined for it.
"I think I've lost my mind.
"I feel like it's me against the world," I cried softly, "That my every move is being watched and one wrong move and everyone would hate me.
"Not that everyone doesn't already. I'm sick and fucking tired of this, whatever this is," I breathed in for the first time in a while and realized how all over the place I sounded. This wasn't me. No, this isn't me. Never would I find myself saying things like this.
"Holy fuck," I whisper.
"You realised, haven't you," Adrian's calm voice came through the phone.
"Well, shit," I whisper, my fingertips touching my lips, "I had another episode."
"Let's do this again, love.
"How are you feeling?"
"No," I let out a strangled cry, "How could I let myself get this out of control," I cry helplessly as a pair of arms wrap around me. I look to see Talon and he looks at me knowingly, "I know what you're going through, I get these episodes too," he whispered in my ear. When these episodes hit me, my mind would completely blank out and shut down and I'd just become a whole different person. It put me at my weakest. I cried my heart out - to Talon and Adrian - feeling weak and vulnerable.
"Mom and dad would hate me. I can't believe I just said all that," I said exasperatedly.
"Adrianna, shut the fuck up, okay," Adrian snapped.
"They wouldn't hate you, no one hates you babygirl, I can't ever tell you that enough can I," he sighed.
"Adrianna, you've had only a few of these relapses where you completely shut down, it's okay. Adri, you heard the doctors, this is how you are, you can't control it," he said sadly.
"I miss them, I wish it was all a dream.
"I want one thing Adrian and that's my parents."
———
suffice to say, adrianna will be okie and this is the end of the sad feels :) for now ;)