Spencer's POV
We had been a couple dates since our first one. Each one I fall more and more in love with him. My day's were consumed with me either thinking about him or being with him. I couldn't get enough of him. It was still strange when I thought of Adam... I still loved him too. And there would always be a part of me that will.
"Hey you," I said setting the flowers down at Adam's grave. "I really miss you."
I was sure he already knew the whole story with Toby. I wonder what he thought when he was looking down on me? Was he angry? No. Probably not. That wasn't who he was. "I wanted to thank you. You saved me after my accident. I don't think I would have been able to get through it without you. And I also want to thank you for... Bringing me to Toby. In some way I feel like it was you that brought me to him."
I stood up, "I love you Adam. And I miss you everyday." I placed one hand on his grave stone before heading back to my car. I wanted to go see Toby, but I wanted to surprise him.
When I pulled into his driveway I saw his car so I knew he was home. I walked up to the door and rang the doorbell and waited for him to answer.
He opened the door. "Spencer?" He smiled. "What are you doing here?" His face changed.
"I wanted to surprise you," I smiled before taking a step towards him and kissing him.
"Well I'm glad," he looked behind him. He was acting really strange.
"Did I come at a bad time?" My smile faded.
"Umm..." he looked side to side. "Kind of."
"Oh I'm sorry," I took a step back. "I'll... come back another time."
I could tell he felt bad, "Well... I don't want you to go. It's just..."
"What?" Why was he acting so weird? Did our last date not go as well as I thought? Was someone inside? Was there another woman in his life? "Toby..." I tried again.
"I've got things to do," he scratched the back of his head. "I can't do anything right now."
"Ok," I gave him a weird look.
"Daddy!" I heard a voice from inside. "Where are you?" I heard it get closer.
Toby looked back, then back at me. He gulped and his face looked... terrified.
I could see her now. She looked up at Toby. She tugged on his pants. He picked her up, and then she looked at me... Her brown long curls cascaded down her back. Her big brown eyes mirrored mine. We both just stared at each other with the same confused looks on our face.
She looked at Toby, "Is that...?"
Toby nodded his head at her.
She looked back at me, "mom?"
Mom? What? How did she even know I existed? I've never even met her before. What the hell is this? It's like one secret after another. Why did he keep this from me. I finally opened my mouth to say something, "I need a minute," I backed away and practically ran.
I crumbled to the ground in his front yard and sobbed. I felt a mix of shock, sadness and happiness. I was obviously shocked to find out I had a daughter who was about 4 or 5. Second... I was sad because I missed out on so much of her life. And if only someone would have told me, I could've been there for her. And there was a part of me that was happy. She was my daughter for crying out loud. No matter how screwed up the situation was... Seeing your daughter for the first time, it's like... This incredibly, overwhelming feeling of love flows through you.
I suddenly felt a pair of arms on mine. He was crouched down in front of me. "Spencer, I'm sorry."
"How could you not tell me?!" I yelled shoving his hands off me.
"I didn't know how!" He looked at me worried.
"You should have just told me! No matter what the consequences. I deserved to know!" I yelled.
"I know, I'm sorry! But I had to think about Hayden too. Our house is filled with pictures of you. She always asked me when you were coming back and I told her you never were. How was I going to explain this to her?" He looked lost. Like he truly had no idea what he was going to do.
"Were you ever going to tell me?" I tried wiping the tears away.
"Of course," he grabbed my hands. "I was just waiting for a good time. You and I were just beginning again and... I was afraid."
"Of what?" I asked.
"Of how you would react. What if you took off? Not wanting to see her or me again."
"I wouldn't do that," I sniffled. "I love you too much to take off. Plus... She's my daughter, I couldn't do that."
He pulled me in for a hug. "It was so hard for me Spence... Did you see her? She looks just like you. Everyday when I thought you were dead, I had to look into those brown eyes. And all I could see was you."
"What's she like?" I asked, burring my face into his shoulder.
"She's smart like you. Shy like me. She can be pretty goofy and just like her mom she had me in love with her from the moment I met her." He kissed my temple a couple of times. "Do you want to meet her?"
I thought about it for a minute. I shook my head yes.
He peeled me away from his body and wiped the tears from my face. "She won't want to see you upset. She loves you. She has this picture of you and she sleeps with it every night."
"Are you trying to make me cry again?" My eyes filled with tears.
"Sorry," he smiled. "Come on, she's waiting inside."
I took a deep breath as he opened the door. She peered around the corner, hesitant. But she slowly walked towards me. I kneeled down so I could look her in the eyes. "Hi," my voice cracked.
She didn't speak she just opened her arms and hugged me. I couldn't help it. I lost it. I held her tight and sobbed.
"I've been waiting for you," she said into my shoulder.
"I know baby," I kissed the top of her head. It was strange how close I already felt to her. There was no awkwardness. I pulled away from her looking at her again. "You look just like me. You have your dads lips though," I smiled.
"And I'm strong like daddy," she flexed her tiny muscles.
"You are!" I laughed. "I can tell you were raised by a man your whole life." I laughed looking at her hair. I brushed it back. "We're going to have to teach daddy how to pin back these beautiful curls so they aren't always hanging in your face."
"Yeah, Emily does that for me when she comes over," she laughed.
"Emily?" I suddenly had a sinking feeling. Someone else was raising my child and keeping my husband 'company' while I was gone.
"Yeah she's daddy's friend," Hayden shrugged her shoulders.
"Friend?" I looked up at Toby.
"She's just a friend," he rolled his eyes at me.
"Really?" I raised my eyebrows.
"Yes," he knelt down beside me. "She likes women," he whispered in my ear.
"Oh," I smiled relieved.
"I have to go potty," she said dashing to the bathroom.
We both laughed and stood up at the same time. "I want us to be a family," I blurted out.
"What?" He turned to me.
"I want to live here and wake up to my husband and my daughter every morning," I admitted.
"Spence... we should slow down," he disapproved.
"Why? I love you. And I need her in my life now."
"We shouldn't rush this. It could get ugly if we do. I'm not saying you can't see her whenever you want. And I'm not saying we can't be together. But I think we need to ease into it," he swept the hair from my face.
I frowned, "But I want to be a family. All three of us."
"Believe me, so do I. But... You might regret it one day. I just want you to be happy and comfortable," he rubbed his thumb on my hands.
"She's my daughter Toby," I was getting angry with him.
"I know. We can make arrangements," he assured me. "Why don't we write down our work schedules and we can make something work."
"Ok," I sighed.
He pulled me over to the living room and we sat down. He found paper and a pen, "Alright what days do you work?"
"Monday through Friday 9-5," I laughed.
He looked at me, "What are you doing by the way? I never asked."
"Oddly enough I am a psychiatrist," I laughed.
He laughed with me, "I might have to start coming to you."
"Anytime," I smiled. "So I already know your schedule. You work Sunday through Wednesday 7-7. So what's the plan?"
"How about... You can have her Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. I'll have her Wednesday and Thursday. And then Friday she normally stays the night at Emily's so that can be our day. Just the two of us. And then Saturday it can be the three of us all day."
"Sounds perfect," I smiled at him. "Do you think... She's going to like me? Do you think she'll be scared staying at a strangers house?"
"You aren't a stranger to her," he assured me. "Like I said she acts like you never left. She has conversations with the pictures of you on the wall," he paused for a second. "She's not crazy I swear."
I laughed, "No, that's cute." I sighed, "I just want her to like me."
"You don't have to worry about that," he rubbed my back. "Come here," he pulled me in for a kiss. It felt so good to have the comfort of his lips on mine.
I heard a little voice clear her throat. "Daddy? Can I show mommy my room?"
It was strange to hear her refer to me as mommy, but it was nice at the same time. "I would love to."
"Yay!" She grabbed me by the hand and pulled me up the stairs. We went down the hallway passing a few doors on the way. We entered the last room on the left. She opened it. It was painted purple with white flower details. There were several pictures on the wall. Starting on the left it was a picture of the three of us when she was born. As you went down the line Hayden was getting older, and eventually I was no longer in the pictures. It was just her and Toby. It made me shiver just thinking about how sad it was.
"This is my princess bed," she jumped up on it. "Here are all my stuffed animals I sleep with, and the picture of you," she showed me. "Over here is my closet full with my school clothes and my dress up clothes!" She had a tiny lisp that made me smile.
After she finished her grand tour Toby knelt down next to her. "How do you feel about going to mommy's house tonight and spending a few nights with her, just the two of you?"
She smiled up at me, "Can I?"
"Of course," I smiled at her.
"Go grab your princess suitcase, you left it downstairs," Toby told her.
"Ok!" She skipped out of the room.
"Toby! I don't know if I'm ready! I don't have anything at my house. I don't even know what to do? I need you!" I panicked.
"You will do fine," he laughed at me. "If you need anything you can call me. You know where I live and you know where I work. You will do amazing! You had the best mother instincts from the second she was born. You taught me so much," he pulled me in for a hug. "Besides she's pretty easy to please."
I squeezed him tighter, "I'm scared."
"Don't be," he kissed the top of my head. "It's going to be weird being away from her that long."
"Toby..." I frowned. "I'm sorry. Do you want me to wait a week?"
"No," he shook his head. "She's waited long enough for this moment."
"Just hold me for a little longer," I frowned.
Once Hayden came back, we helped her pack her stuff. We made sure to bring a lot of toys so she wouldn't get bored.
"Why can't mommy just stay here?" Hayden asked Toby. "She used to live here when I was a baby."
I gave Toby the I told you so look. He just rolled his eyes at me, "Maybe someday. Just not right now." He stood up and pulled out a DVD from her TV. "She falls asleep to this every night. If we forget it she won't go to bed."
"Good thing you remembered," I laughed.
"Ok, can we go now?" Hayden asked impatiently.
"Yes, we can," I smiled. I carried her suitcase while she carried her stuffed animals. I paused when I saw Toby's bedroom. Or rather our bedroom. It hit me instantly. It was so small I wasn't sure if it was real. It was an image of Toby and Hayden when she was about 3 or 4 months old. He was making her giggle laying in bed.
"Spence, you ok?" Toby asked.
"I remembered something," I whispered to him.
At first he looked shocked, but then he smiled. "What was it?"
"It was you and Hayden when she was a baby. It lasted maybe three seconds," I smiled. Maybe it would slowly start coming back to me.
"Are you coming?" Hayden yelled from downstairs.
Toby and I laughed and then headed downstairs. He helped me carry the stuff to the car along with her car seat (she was still underweight to be without one). It looked more like a booster seat. He strapped her in, "I love you baby." He kissed her, "I'll see you in a few days."
"Ok bye daddy, I love you!" she waved.
He shut the door and then handed me a card. "This is her daycare. It has a preschool program, it's great. You can bring her there while you are at work. Just drop her off there on Wednesday morning and I will pick her up on my way home from work. I know the lady so she lets me pick her up pretty late. She has a daughter, her and Hayden are best friends." He placed his hands on my waist. "Anyways, I guess I'll see you in six days."
I frowned, "that feels so far away."
"I'll call you every night. How does that sound?" He smiled.
"Better," I smiled back.
"Call me if you need anything," he reminded me. He leaned in and kissed me. It lasted extra long, knowing how long we would be apart. "I love you," he kissed my forehead.
"I love you too," I kissed him one last time. "I'll call you once she falls asleep to let you know how it goes." I said opening my car door.
"You two have fun," he said closing my door once I was in.
I waved as I pulled out of his driveway.