not edited
— shemomedjamo —
(v) to continue eating past the point of being full because the food simply just tastes so good
origin ; georgian
february twenty fifth
We hold hands as we stand before mama's graves, my dad and I that is, and he starts a quiet prayer. He landed back in Florida only three hours ago and now here we are at nine am in the cemetery, decked out in all black. Today was another gloomy and melancholic day, it was dark, drizzly, cloudy. It didn't feel right at all, I had an unsettling feeling in my stomach and it bothered me to no end.
We stayed for a while, just in each other's presence, with my dad's arm over my shoulder as we both just looked down on my mom's headstone. He was relatively quiet and I didn't push him to talk to me. For now, I just hoped being here would be enough for him.
§
After my father deemed what was enough time spent at the graveyard, - though I knew he was just on the verge of tears and refused to cry in front his daughter - he drove me to Phoenix's before going his own way. And being the bloody workaholic he is, I knew he was going to his office. He'd go and look over paperwork endlessly like his life depended on it.
Though I had an eerily unsettling feeling inside me all day, I didn't think much of it - I believed it was just because it was February and that in itself is a dark time for me. So it came as more than a surprise, perhaps it was one of the most grandest shocks of my life, right after my mom, when Phoenix burst into the living room from the kitchen, eyes wide, pale faced. Immediately my smile dropped and all the happiness left my face. Something was amiss. He looked completely out of place, out of breath, amongst the rest of us being crowded in the living room, fooling around, playing a round of charades.
Which was ironic enough since my whole life is a charade it seems.
But when his eyes locked with mine, I saw more than just the overlying panic. I saw the sorrow, sadness, and desperation for me not to lose myself. And absolutely nothing could prepare me for what his words would be.
"A-Adrianna, it's your dad.
"He's dead."
My entire world came crashing down. I had no control over myself as I collapsed to the ground, sobbing and covering my face with my hands. My body went numb and I-I just didn't know what to think. Immediately, every single memory I've ever had with my father raced through my mind and I was going into overdrive. All the memories I have with him, from the moment when I was able to retain information, to this morning as I watched him near a breakdown. They all came crouching around me, trying to calm me down, but I was uncontrollable. I cried until I was hyperventilating. Until I had to sit up to catch my breath. I pulled my knees to my chest and cried painfully loud, looking down and refusing to meet their eyes. I was in shock, that much I knew, and I just did not know how to, what to do. He couldn't be dead, he was alive and healthy this morning.
"Ahhh," I cried, cradling my head in my hand as I felt a piercing stab. They all tried talking to me, I kept shaking my head, what words were I to say after hearing that? Until Phoenix came by my side. Until Phoenix picked me up in his arms and carried me away from the crew saying, 'you'll all talk to her later.' He took us to his room and he positioned us so he was up against the headboard and I was straddling his lap. I had no doubt my eyes were bloodshot and tumid, and that my face was blood red, but as I looked up to meet Phoenix's eyes, his cold and guarded aura was gone. He looked at me with tenderness and sincerity as he brushed a strand of hair out of my face and placed it behind my ear. The tears were unstoppable and though I tried to smile at him, it was nothing short of weak and wobbly.
"Adrianna, I'm so sorry," he said softly with a frown, "Your father was an honourable man."
Just hearing him say those words sent me into another loud sob. Already, the words 'Adrianna... your dad... dead' were on a repeating loop in my head. I lowered my head in my hands and furiously shook my head.
"H-he can't be dead, w-we were a-at the ce-cemetery this mor-morning," I cried and my voice came out muffled and scratchy. I was the downright definition of miserable.
He slowly pried my hands away from my face and tilted my chin up so our eyes would meet again. "Adrianna," he frowned deeply. And that hurt me. It hurt me because such a frown didn't belong on his beautiful face.
"Phoenix," I let out another cry as my eyes clouded over with fresh tears. I felt like I was being choked. Suffocated. Burned. And I think, the most painful part was reliving every single moment I'd ever share with my dad from the very start all in my head.
"Adrianna, talk to me," the boy I was currently situated on top of pleaded. He looked at a loss for both words and actions. He didn't know what to say, what to do. I wouldn't either.
"My father can't be dead," I whispered.
"Chérie, he died in a car accident," he whispered back. My eyes widened and next, I felt the most agonizing feeling I'd ever felt. It was really as if someone was choking me, strangling me, slowly ending my life. Something cut right through me, pierced right through my insides and I felt as though my soul was slowly being taken away from me. Oh my god. He was taken just the same way as mom.
"Mama," I cried softly. I was losing all emotion, becoming numb to no end, I was meeting my breaking point. Phoenix instantly wrapped him arms around me and pulled me flush against his chest, "I'm sorry," his voice cracked. My soft cries became full on sobs once again and I wasn't sure how much else I'd be able to handle. This wasn't fair. I had no other family besides my dad; I was lonely alone now.
"Adrianna, you need to talk to me, please," Phoenix begged while I shook my head. My head throbbed as it rushed with blood and I recalled all sorts of memories, ones locked all the way in the back of my mind and ones that were more recent.
"I-I, I don't know what to say?" I cried, becoming confused, "M-my dad is dead," I whisper all wobbly, "He died the same way my mama did," I mutter.
"What's going on in that pretty head of yours," his voice a whisper.
"I-I just have all these memories rushing through my mind that I shared with my dad, and now memories of mom are resurfacing."
"My dad's dead," the words fall out of my mouth unintentionally and sound like the ghost of the words itself. I didn't know how to handle this, clearly, and I wasn't sure I'd be able to. I was barely able to keep myself alive after my mother, what's to happen with my father. At my mother's funeral, I'd barely gotten out three words of my eulogy - that happened to be three pages - she'd made me promise I'd write when her time would come before I blacked out on stage. And after that, it was all downhill, blacking out and fainting almost every other day, losing my appetite completely, it was wonders really that I was still alive.
I buried my mom at the age of fifteen, here I was three years later, burying my father at eighteen. I buried both of my parents before I'd even graduated high school. Before I got my degrees in college. Before I got married and had a family of my own.
The last part of my thoughts was now on incessant repeat and I began crying harder. My father had made one of his few wishes for me very clear and now he was gone before it could come true. He wanted grandkids and now he wouldn't get that. And the thought of it only caused me to cry relentlessly because I realised now, when I had kids, they wouldn't have grandparents from my side.
"Adrianna, whoa, slow down," he gently brushed away my tears, "What are you thinking?"
"M-my dad," I said quietly, "He had many wishes for me as his daughter.
"However, he made one very clear as of recently. He wanted grandkids. And now I wouldn't be able to give him that," I cried, probably soaking Phoenix's shirt by now.
"You're wrong, amour. You'll give him that, in spirit. He's probably in heaven right now, with your mom. They're maybe having the time of their lives being brought together. And most certainly, if I know how dramatic your father is, he's probably laughing his head off at you right now. And he probably has the urge to tell you off," Phoenix chuckles, "You're a bloody mess my dear and your father and your mother would not like it. They wouldn't want you crying your heart away forever because they'd want you to continue in life. And they're both in your heart, all your accomplishments are their greatest happiness. They're watching you, silently guiding you, you just won't feel it, you won't always know it, cara.
"And believe me, love, I will always be here to fix your broken pieces and help you let go," he smiled crookedly.
I wasn't sure what it was about him, but he had the ability to make me feel happier, he even elicited a small, genuine smile from me. My tears had stilled and though it seemed my emotions had taken a drastic turn, having a clear contrast, I didn't care. I'd mourn and grieve for my father - and my mother all over again - but I'd much rather be smiling than a crying mess. And I knew deep down in my heart, they wouldn't want to see their daughter a crying mess either. So we'll leave the crying mess for the funeral.
"Now, would you like me to take you to the hospital, amore?" He asked with a rough Italian accent and I nod my head furiously.
§
We were on our way to papa's office for apparently there was a pretty big meeting with papa and his colleagues. And of course they all bothered papa until he agreed to bring me along. Though my seven year old self was far too clumsy and boisterous to be in an office for three hours with fifteen business men, they all found me entertaining and I deemed as what would keep them from falling asleep.
"Take care of our baby, my love," mama said to papa as she kissed me and buckled me in the car seat.
"With all my being, zolotse," papa regarded her, smiling warmly, his eyes crinkling in the corners.
"Don't miss mama too much, zvezda moya," mama placed one last lingering kiss on my cheek before pulling away and closing the car door.
"Be careful driving, Colten," mama said sternly to papa before they came together in a kiss.
"We're only driving an hour and a half away to Sausalito, baby, we'll be fine," he chuckled as they pulled away and he came to me. He tugged on my buckles, making sure they were secure, "Ready solnyshko?" I nodded my head enthusiastically.
"Do svidaniya mама!" I exclaim in our family's mother tongue as dad started the engine.
I was told I was practically a genius for my age. At the age of seven, I was given a chance to skip a grade, but mama turned it down. I could easily pick and choose what I wanted to learn - not that I minded, I loved learning - and know it in through my head. I had the ability to retain any and all things I chose to.
Papa played our favourite band, Arctic Monkeys, before pulling out the driveway. And then we were on our way with mama's figure becoming smaller and smaller.
An hour and a half later, we were walking the streets of Sausalito on our way to papa's office. I was bubbling with excitement, jumping up and down as we walked. The sun was shining, there was a light breeze, I was dressed in a black and white chevron patterned jumpsuit, window shopping as we passed the shops. Until I suddenly stopped, causing my father's movements to come to a halt. My eyes widened seeing a really pretty stationary set in the window of a bookstore.
"Do you want it, dochen'ka?"
I looked at my father with wide eyes and shook my head frantically, "No, it's okay," I said with a smile. I really didn't want papa to spend too much on me and that set looked very expensive. He looked at me with uncertainty in his eyes, but nodded nonetheless.
Two hours later, I'm sitting in Azrael's lap while they're all talking business. I was getting restless on my father's lap and a frown was etched on my face from his tight hold. Until Azrael subtly showed he candy he had hidden in his suit pocket. Azrael was, as far as I'd known, one of my father's closest and most trusted men. They called each other brothers and he was like an uncle to me. So I pleaded with papa to let him let me go to Azrael and now here I was. But not even a bag of skittles could keep me awake as I tried my hardest not to fall asleep. It wasn't weird being surrounded by all these men in suits, my father highly believed I'd grow up take his place as CEO in his company, Vasiliev and Co. But my mama and I begged to differ. Of all fifteen men sitting in the room, I knew all their names and they were all family to me in some way. However, sitting in this room, hearing them all speaking relentlessly about money and chains of hotels and restaurants was the most boring thing ever.
The meeting looked like it was finally over and I was more than happy to leave. But my father had other plans apparently, so it looked like I'd be stuck here for longer.
"Azrael, watch my baby for me, I need to do something," my father sounded demanding.
"Your child is safe me," Azrael scoffed, as if it was the stupidest thing my dad did sounding like he didn't trust Azrael and it made me laugh. My dad was out the door before another word could be exchanged and I was left with Azrael. He picked me up and walked us out of the conference room and into his office, leaving the rest of the guys behind. In his office, I situated myself in one of the swivel chairs in front his desk while he took a seat behind his desk.
"Little Adri," he sighed, "I love your father to death, he's a great man, but hearing him speak as if he's a preacher can really make anyone fall asleep," and a small giggle leaves my mouth as he pours himself some whiskey? Scotch? Whatever is it papa drinks.
We had a long staring contest before he broke it off, "Wanna read some Brontë baby girl?" I nod happily, clapping my hands together and run over to his desk. He hoisted me on top his desk and pulled out a copy of Jane Eyre. I scream excitedly as his flips through the novel to the page we stopped at last time.
We made it a few pages along before papa barged in Azrael's office, eyes wide and frantic but softening at the sight of us.
"I told you your daughter is in good hands," I look to see Azrael smirking. Papa cursed him in Russian before walking over to us and pulling me in his arms.
"Please do stop reading that book, the two of you," Papa's eyes flickered between Azrael and I, "I think I've seen you read only about a thousand times," he sighed.
I giggle, "Bye Azrael!" And out were my father and I.
Getting into the car, dad buckled me in and my eyes flickered to the seat beside me. And there lay the stationary set I had my eye on earlier. I loved my papa so much and I felt tears in my eyes.
"You're the best papa," came my small, choked up voice.
"Adrianna," he smiled lovingly at me.
"Adrianna," a hand gripped my shoulder, shaking my frantically. My eyes snap open and dart over to Phoenix who was seated in the driver's seat.
"What the hell happened," I muttered, immediately bringing up my hand to cover my eyes. It was too fucking bright for me and my contacts are bitching about.
"You were dreaming, I think?" Phoenix looked a bit confused, "You fell asleep on the way to the hospital, but we're here now," he whispered the last part.
"I-I just relived a memory of my father and I," I said softly, "But let's go in," I added, unbuckling my belt. Why the fuck did that feel so real?
I think it was a given that I'd breakdown holding my father's cold and lifeless hand, however I really didn't think I'd come to the point of sputtering incoherents and sounding like an unstable mess. But here I was. Phoenix immediately came by my side, wrapped his arm around my waist and pulling me against his body as one of my hands held one of dad's and the my other was brought up to my mouth to somewhat silence myself. My cries were painfully loud and ugly and I couldn't care. Seeing my dad lay lifeless, pale, and dead brought back everything I'd felt when it was my mom in his place three years ago. And it just so happened to be February too. Everything bad happens in February.
"Adrianna," Phoenix whispered and I just shook my head, turning to bury my face in his shirt, ultimately soaking it.
§
The current day is Friday and it's my father's funeral.
I was dressed in yet another black lace dress with black stockings and black pumps. I was really getting tired of this colour. I had on a black hat as well with a veil, and pearl jewellery to complement the outfit. I was standing under a tree, surrounded by the gang along with Hunt. Phoenix's eyes were burning through me, but I refused to meet his gaze as I looked around the graveyard at everyone gathered here for my father.
Sad thing is, none of them were family, these were all colleagues and friends that knew of or about my father. I had no family, literally. I don't really think I had a family apart from mama and papa growing up; the closest thing I had was Hunter and his mom and dad. I know my mom was an only child, but her parents died before I born and my dad, well his mom died giving birth to him while his dad passed away when I was about three or four years old. Other than that, I didn't know about any other existing family I had.
The ladies and gentlemen - because that's what they were; all older people dressed in business attire - took their seats and became quiet, not even a murmur to be heard. I took this as my sign to walk over to the little stage we set up next to my father's coffin.
"I'll walk with you, Adri," Hunter muttered and linked his arm with mine. He helped me step on the platform before leaving me to sit with his parents in the front row. Time to read my father's eulogy and god I hope I don't breakdown like I did at mama's.
"'Death leaves a pain nobody can heal, but the love leaves a memory no one can steal,'" is how I started off.
"Just wanted to put that out there, if you'd like to make something more of it, do enlighten me, if not, well," I trail off and smile widely, looking up from my papers. It was a bit humorous, thankfully, causing them to all laugh lightly.
"My father was an honourable man," I stated, my eyes locking with Phoenix, "He has an unbelievable amount of accomplishments on his shoulders and he succeeded great heights.
"As a father, he was my first love, he will always be and he gave me everything as a father. And though he had dreams of his only daughter being the heiress to the company he built from the ground up, he supported her even if she didn't want that for herself.
"In fact, I'm following right into my mother's footsteps, wanting, dreaming to become an english professor and author. I think it came as a grand surprise to my father when I told him that recently, but he said this, "Chérie, you have the position of a CEO in a company and make billions, but it won't matter if you are not happy." And I took that to heart. See the thing with my father and I, we saw eye to eye on practically everything. I remember times when my mother used to scoff in our faces and tell us, "My god, Colten when you're not around, our babygirl replaces you completely," and she'd shake her head. We agreed on everything, my dad and I, liked the same things, and hated the same things with a bloody passion. And the one thing that I am unbelievably proud to share with my father is our ability be blunt and straightforward, once we're through with someone, we're through. And you better believe it.
"Outside of the business world, Colten Vasiliev was known as a loving and caring father that gave his girls the world in his hands. But inside the business world? I knew my father was a coldhearted and brooding man. When he wanted something, he got it, stopping at nothing to make sure it was his. He fought to no end for something he'd want. He was admirable, freakishly intelligent, and he was skilfully clever, there wasn't really a way around him."
I continued speaking endlessly, speaking about my father's everything. Until I was nearing the end of the eulogy I wrote. I was now reading deep memories that were buried in the back of my mind and my eyes were clouding over with tears. I heard Phoenix yell my name and that's when I broke down. I can't do this, my mind was screaming. Phoenix caught me in time just as I about to collapse to the ground. Together, he moulded out bodies as one, my back up against his chest, and kept me stable enough to keep speaking into the microphone. But I was far gone from finishing the eulogy, I could barely hold myself upright and together.
"Adrianna, baby, breathe," Phoenix whispered soothingly in my ear, "Relax and breathe for me, my love."
Something inside of me just gave into him and he fixed me. I was breathing and slowly got control over myself again, but my tears were falling relentlessly and I was now apologising to everyone profusely. This is a literal repeat of mama's funeral.
I think I disappointed both mama and papa.
I turned my head into his chest, crying and feeling my chest tighten. I hated this feeling, I hated myself. He took over the microphone, muttering a few words out of respect for my father and just held me as I stood crying. "I'm sorry mama and papa," I whisper almost inaudibly at the sky.
"Adrianna?" A rich voice came from beside Phoenix and I. I turned my head just the slightest bit to see Azrael.
I offered him a weak smile and he opened his arms for me to which I openly walked into, accepting his hold.
"You'll be okay, Little Adri," he smiled ruefully and hearing the nickname he had given me so many years ago elicited a bubbly laugh from me as I wiped away some tears.
His face changed in a more serious look, "But, I will always be around, Adrianna and I've always promised your father you were in good hands with me. Your father and I were like brothers, so I suppose that'd make you my niece, even if it's not blood related. I'm always going to protect you my dear," he smiled a small smile. I saw the worry lines on his face more prominently than before and I wondered just how many people my father's death was taking a toll on.
"Also, I have something, well some things that I was told were to be given to you," Azrael said, reaching into his suit's inside pocket. He pulled out a glimmering gold key and an envelope.
"Adrianna Vasiliev, this key is the key to your father's, your family's company. It is in your name and you have all power over it to do as you please," he handed me the key as my bottom lip quivered. I didn't actually think my dad would leave his company to my name.
"And this envelope, I wasn't told anything except, 'Azrael, when my time comes, give this to my beloved daughter. Watch over her too, she's my precious baby and please, you two need stop reading that bloody book, Jane Eyre or else you'll go crazy. And I really don't want my daughter to get into an affair with someone twenty years older than her,' and he gave me a pointed look," Azrael finished, rolling his eyes. Meanwhile, my mess of a self cried and laughed harder, "Did my dad really say that Azrael?"
"Does it look like I'm joking?" He scoffed.
"Oh, this is so rich," I nearly praised. My father housed many of the stupidest ideas and concepts in my life. My god dad.
"What was rich was his face when he told me that," Azrael laughed in disbelief.
"He's dead and still manages to make me question his sanity," I mutter. But apparently it wasn't quiet enough because the crowd standing before me all burst into laughter at that too. Oops.
My eyes were fixated on the gold key I was holding and for some reason it felt as if it weighed a tonne in my hand.
"H-Hunter," I call for my bestfriend. He had a look of surprise on his face as he made his way onto the platform and Azrael walked down. Phoenix had me back in his embrace, his arm wrapped tightly around my waist and I was grateful.
"Adrianna?" Hunter looked at me confusedly.
"Hunter," I started somberly, "Our fathers have always worked hand in hand with each other. Our families have always been one with each other, we're literally brother and sister. I love you Hunter and you know, very well, that I trust you wholeheartedly, hell I could say my own life. Our fathers, they built their companies from the ground up, they built their own success, they made a name for themselves and became the biggest multi-billionaire's right now. And our mothers? They grew up together, went to school with our fathers together, they were best friends. Our parents were high school sweethearts. And now here we are, despite our mothers wishes," I let out a small chuckle, "Just two best friends.
"Which is why, I am wholly and utterly handing over the key to my company, Vasiliev + Co." Hunter's jaw dropped and everyone that was here in this moment for my father gasped, completely taken aback. Even Phoenix behind me muttered 'what the fuck?' I knew what I was doing though, it was the right thing to do with no other way around. Right now, I doubt I could even step foot in any of my father's business without breaking down. But a small part of me knew that I'd be ready to be the heiress he always wanted me to be - I just needed time. No one needed to know that though. Not yet.
"Now, I'm not saying it's yours forever, but I am leaving the company in your hands right now. There might come a day I want it back, but right now, I am clearly in no way meant for the business world. I can't handle that responsibility, at least not yet. So for now, I'm exclusively giving you the key, literally, to what my father's company holds. You have all access, whether you step foot into any of my father's buildings, that's your choice. And if you decide just hold onto this key and leave the company alone, then that's okay too.
"But that being said, my father's company will not whither," I was surprised how confident my voice sounded, "Because in a few months, if I'm ready to show my face in the business world, I will make sure my father's company thrives more than it's ever done before, I'll go at any length to make my papa proud. And if I'm not ready, then I guess I'll hand this company over to you for good, Hunter." I look at his astonished face and took his hand in mine, dropping the gold key in his palm and then turning to face the gaping faces.
I couldn't even think, I could barely even process what Hunter was saying next to me before I felt my head spin and the world turn dark.
I was being far too strong for far too long at the worst time.
———
adrianna vasiliev the ceo anyone?