Castle heard the second her breathing got too heavy to be normal. He couldn't help but feel a little proud at that. She was comfortable with him talking, so comfortable in fact that she'd fallen asleep to his voice. He didn't mind at all, in fact he kept on telling her the things that had happened, just in case she would wake up. Besides he couldn't help but love hearing her breathing, she sounded so peaceful and he couldn't wait to see her. Butterflies kept bubbling up in his belly. She'd finally called. It hadn't exactly seemed like it was her intentions but she had called. First when he'd seen her name on his display he considered for one second to ignore her, just let her feel the abandonment he'd felt after not hearing from her not even once, but then his heart had skipped a beat. What if she was hurt? What if the reason she was calling him was because she was in danger? What if this was his last chance of hearing her alive? So, he'd answered. At first he'd gotten more and more worried when she didn't say anything, but once she had his relief was immediate. Though he hadn't really understood her first sentence. What was she sorry about, calling him? Something else? Then she'd started crying and that's when he got really worried, Beckett never cried. It wasn't until she'd said that she lied that he'd started connecting it all to her shooting. Did she mean she remembered? Was that why she was crying? What she was apologizing for? She'd also sounded angry. Well, not angry with him, he knew how that sounded.So, he wondered who she was angry with. He hoped he was going to figure out soon enough, hoped they could talk, really talk. But first he'd make sure she actually felt comfortable having him there. Pulling up at the last road to the cabin he tried calling out her name, wanted to wake her up so she wouldn't get frightened by him coming up the parking.
"Castle?"
Her voice was only a mumble, disoriented, sleepy, and he so wished he could see her face. He could only imagine how adorable non-like Beckett she must look, she'd look more like Kate.
"I'm coming up to the cabin in five minutes," he said with a gentle voice, hoping she wouldn't be panicked about him coming.
"Here?" she yawned and he choked the chuckle before it could slip past his lips.
"Yeah, you called me, remember?" he kept his voice low, gentle.
"Eh, yeah, where're you now?" she mumbled and he felt his lips pull up in a smile as he watched the cabin come into view.
"Pulling up at your drive now."
He heard some shuffling along with a mumbling 'ow' and when he looked up he suddenly saw her appearing from the corner of the porch. He chuckled at the way her hair stood out in some places.
"Hanging up now," he stated as he clicked the button in the wheel to close the call.
He rolled the car into a parking spot and shut off the engine, taking a last glance at her before jumping out he saw her arms crossed under her chest, carefully hugging her body. As he jumped out he hoped to god she hadn't changed her mind about letting him drive to her. He didn't care about taking his bag, didn't want to trespass by looking like he had expected to be sleeping over. Slowly he steered his steps towards the porch, towards her. The closer he got the harder his heart was pounding, and she looked absolutely beautiful. She looked vulnerable, yes, and didn't really resemble the strong, hard minded detective he knew, but god she was beautiful anyway.
"Hi," he said, insecurities imbedded in his voice, and stopped a few feet in front of her, not daring to step any closer.
Kate bit her lip, couldn't believe he had actually driven all the way out there to her. Did that prove he was still... that he felt the same way he'd said he did those months ago? Then again, he shouldn't have come. She would most likely only hurt him more, and if not her then maybe the sniper would get to him and god she could not let that happen.
"I... I shouldn't have called," she mumbled without thinking and she saw his whole face go pale. He slowly started backing away and she immediately saw the hurt all over his face, the disappointment. "No, nononononono," she held out one of her hands, as if she was trying to halt him with a stop sign. "I don-Castle!"
She bolted forward when his feet continued to carry him backwards. One would've thought she'd known every bump in the porch she'd visited every summer for fifteen years of her life, but apparently she'd forgotten that one bump and now she was falling. One second she was falling to the ground, letting go of a small surprised yelp, the next she felt his arms under her armpits, pulling her upright.
"Easy, Kate, easy," he chanted and she found herself starting to cry, no matter how much she tried to stop it she just couldn't.
He kept his arms around her, held her close, and she felt herself break down even more. The hurt that she'd once again laid on him along with the pull of her scars when tripping was too great. It overwhelmed her with emotions and she couldn't stop the tears or the sobs from escaping into the open. His arms tightened and his lips found her hair, hushing her in an attempt at soothing her. Somewhere in her mind she wondered if this was how he soothed Alexis when she was a kid and had hurt herself. Hesitantly she let her arms go around him, her face finding the crop of his neck fit perfectly.
"'M sorry, 'm so sorry." Her mumbles where muffled in his neck but she was sure he could hear her anyway, she was too close to his ear for him not to hear. "Didn't mean to... not good to you. I hurt you," she sobbed and she was just waiting for him to push her away, to keep walking away from her because there was no way he wanted to stay now that he'd seen how broken she was. No way he still loved her.
He sighed, his hot breath a small wind to her hair and she couldn't control her body, the shiver going down her spine entirely because of him.
"Come on, let's sit down," he mumbled in her hair and started pulling her with him as he moved towards the couch on the porch, the same one she'd fallen asleep in while listening to his voice.
To her surprise he sat down and pulled her down to sit right next to him, his arm landing with a secure embrace around her shoulders to cuddle her into his side. She knew this wasn't a good idea, to get a feel of what could've been if it were not for her broken parts, because he shouldn't be with her. He deserved so much better than her.
"Shh, take your time, then tell me everything," he whispered and she did.
She took the time she needed to calm down, her sobs turning into sniffs which soon led to silence. Well, not complete silence, they could still hear each other's breathing as clear as day.
"You were right. I hide in relationships with men I don't love, and the one man I do... I hurt." She had to pause to take another deep breath. "People around me dies, Castle. Either that or they get hurt. I hurt them. I've got a wall, inside me, and I never let anyone in, never let anyone break it down. That's why I run every time it gets real, gets too close. It's why I never let my relationships go too far. The wall-" she had to pause again, opening up was really taking a pull on her. To her surprise Castle sat still, silent, listening to her words like they were some sweet melody, and she wondered how he hadn't left yet. "It's been there since my mom... I never wanted to hurt like that again. Only I never knew that by protecting myself, I could hurt others. I never thought anyone could ever really fall in love with me, never thought anyone could see my damaged goods and still stay with me. And, I'm even more broken now," she only whispered the last part.
They stayed quiet for what felt like an eternity. Kate was letting silent tears roll down her cheeks, she was just waiting for the moment he would leave. Waiting for him to push her away from his comfortable body and walk to his car, drive away to never talk to her ever again. She didn't dare pull away enough to search his eyes, his perfect blues, scared that would result in him leaving sooner. And so she closed her eyes, seeing his in the back of her mind. He'd always looked at her in a way that made her heart skip a beat. He laid his eyes on her like no one else had ever done, like no one else ever would. He'd seen her break down, in her apartment, only days before everything went to hell, and even then he'd looked at her like that. At least until she'd seen the hurt, the anger it had triggered because she supposedly didn't care about what the case did to the people who loved her. She'd put him on the spot there, asked what about him, but he hadn't told her then. He'd, out of respect of her and the wall he knew nothing about, refused to tell her he loved her. But when she laid there on the grass, a bullet inside her, he had told her. He'd told her he loved her because he wanted to give her something to fight for, and he had no idea how that had been the only thing she'd managed to hold on to. His declaration of love had been the one thing that kept her fighting. And she'd driven him away the first thing she did when she woke up, he didn't love her anymore. He shouldn't love her anymore.
"I do."
His strong voice broke the silence and she immediately opened her eyes wide. No matter how much she wanted to stay close to him she pulled away to look at him. His eyes were set on hers, his blues looking at her the way only he could.
"What?" she whimpered out the shock, the confusing evident in her eyes and face.
"I love you. I could never stop loving you because of the things you've gone through." He paused before his gaze turned even softer. "If anything it only makes you stronger. You're extraordinary."
Her eyes was watering again and she was too surprised to react when his hand landed on her cheek, wiping away the tears before they could go too far down.
"But... I hurt you, I-I'm not good at-you shouldn't- I don't deserve you," she stumbled across her words, didn't know which thought to say first, didn't know what to say to make him understand he could be in danger if he stayed with her.
"I still love you, Kate. It's not something that will just disappear," he said and when she was about to say it would if he just let her go he added, "it's too deep. I've never felt like this."
She looked down, biting her lower lip as she tried not to cry again. His thumb stroke her cheek, wiping away the tear that managed to escape, and continued stroking in a calming manner. Without really meaning to she leaned into his touch, it was the most comforting one she'd been close to, except for her dad then but that was a different kind of comfort.
"But it could get you killed," she mumbled through her barely parted lips, not really wanting to put it out there but needing him to know so he could run before it was too late.
"I don't care, besides, we're partners. You protect me, I protect you."
She shook her head, "That's not your job, you didn't sign up for this, I did."
"I did sign, remember?" he said and she looked at him with narrowed and confused eyes, her mouth slightly open in question. His voice suddenly dropped a tone or two as if he was trying to impersonate anyone. "'Mr. Castle, be advised, if you get injured following Detective Beckett to research your next novel, you cannot sue the city. If you get shot, you cannot sue the city. If you get killed,' well, my lifeless remains cannot sue the city," he quoted and she gaped at him.
"You remember that word for word?"
He shrugged his shoulders. "Of course! It was one of the first moments I had with you,"
"Anyway, I'm the one with the gun."
"Not at the moment. You won't get it back until you're back at work," he said with a small flicker of pride in his eyes and she would so shoot whoever told him that. "Anyway, I won't go anywhere, unless you convince me you don't feel the same for me, or doesn't want me as your partner anymore." His blue eyes reeled her in and kept her there, waiting for her to either lie again or tell the truth they both knew. Because of course he knew already, she wouldn't be this worked up and broken for hurting him if it wasn't.
"I..." she bit her lip, looking into those soft eyes she wished she could drown in them every day. "I c-can't say it, not yet. I'm too..." she took a small break in order to draw in a short breath to be able to let go of the last word on the exhale, "broken."
He shook his head with the gentle eyes of his landing on her with a small, reassuring upturn of his lips. "That's all I need to hear right now. I'll wait, I'll give you time," his tone was a soothing one now and she felt her insides warm up.
She didn't hesitate to lean her head back to his shoulder, feeling his warm hand around her shoulders and she snuggled closer into him. His scent was so much better than she thought it would and it immediately calmed the fear in her heart. The fear of him getting hurt. She was still worried but right now all she wanted to do was being close to him, that was probably the reason she'd called him in the first place. She needed his comfort. She needed him.
"Thanks, Rick."
He shifted a little, as if he was surprised by her. If it was her thanking him or her using his first name she had no clue. "Always, Kate."
She smiled at that, smiled at the promise the two of them kept only between them. They sat in silence for a long time, looking out at the lake, and Kate started to wonder if she shouldn't offer dinner soon but at the same time she was way too comfortable for wanting to move from his side. It felt so good to finally succumb to the embrace of her partner, finally having releasing the truth. It was also reassuring to hear him confirm his feelings once again. When she'd woken up she hadn't really believed him, had never really thought someone could fall in love with her for real. She'd been broken long before the gun shot, she'd been broken since the day she and her dad came home to see detective Raglan standing at their doorstep.
"How are you? Does it hurt much?" he broke the silence, though she could hear he was hesitant and didn't really want to disturb the beautiful silence.
"Sometimes," she answered honestly. "I mean, it's getting better, but it still pulls in my scar. And nights are the worst due to the cold that comes with some rainy days. I have nightmares too, so I don't really get that much sleep." It all just came rushing out, a big relief entering her body, as if a big burden had been lifted from her shoulders. She hadn't realized she'd needed to tell anyone about it all. Sure, she'd told her dad, but not too much since she didn't want to worry him. She didn't want him to fall back into old, bad habits.
"Mmm," he hummed, thinking for a few seconds before he said, "I have them too... the nightmares, I mean."
She hummed too, she could definitely understand that. He'd watched her die right in front of his eyes, had seen the life leave her eyes. "I'm sorry about that, you never should've been in the crosshairs."
There was a small pause, as if he was debating wether to answer her comment or not. She heard him take a deep breath before he opened his mouth. "It's not me I dream being hurt."
She bit her lip, "Yeah, I know, it's often not me in my dreams either." She felt his eyes land on her at her confession and it surprised her when his lips were suddenly in her hair, kissing her in a small comfortable manner. "We should probably eat, 'cause you're staying, right?"
"If I'm allowed," he said with a small hesitation in his voice.
"Definitely."
It took them another five minutes of complete silence before any of them made any indications of moving. Once they did though it was Kate standing first, reaching out her hand towards her partner for him to take. She was the one to lead him into the cabin, she excused herself for the small mess all over the place and when she opened the fridge she excused how little food they had. Castle said it was alright, that he didn't care if they so much as ate toast. Which in the end was the only thing Kate could really make with the small pain she had in her chest, and she was very determined not to let him, who was her guest, make the dinner. She actually shooed him out of the kitchen because he kept trying to help her, and if it hadn't been for the situation of him having missed her for two months and the fact that her scar pulled, he would've laughed at her persistence. Instead he decided to go snooping around, he figured she hadn't thought of that risk when she shooed him out and he was so going to take advantage of it. He started with the living room, looking around for the whole of it before going to the bookshelves on the walls to look at the pictures standing in frames. Most of the pictures seemed to be taken before her mother died which, to his delight, showed off her as a younger girl. There was pictures of her in a toddler form, chasing bubbles and he couldn't stop the chuckle at how happy and innocent she looked. There was another when she must've been eight years old, her big grin missing two teeth as she was dressed into a pirate. He could only imagine her stubborn little self saying there was no way she'd be a princess because she was a whole lot tougher than one. He skimmed through more pictures, some of her alone and some of her with her parents, some he even suspected was of her with her grandparents. He stopped at what looked to be one of the last family pictures taken before the trio turned into a duo. He carefully picked up the frame, looking at how happy the three people looked, how at peace they were, none of them knowing they'd soon be ripped of their happiness. It was Kate before that sad glimpse entered her beautiful hazel-green eyes. He fought the water that suddenly invaded his own blues, a small tear fighting back to slowly glide down his cheek.
"It was taken two weeks before she died."
He jumped at the sound of her voice, hadn't heard her walking into the living room, and turned around to look at her. Her own eyes were glittering with the liquid of her own, but her lips were pulled up into a small smile.
"My aunt took that picture at one of the family gatherings we used to have before it all crashed. We had just gotten the news about one of my oldest cousins being pregnant and mom kept teasing me and dad how it would've been great to have a little one in our family soon too. Dad cringed at the thought of me getting pregnant, I was still his little girl and according to him I was too young at nineteen, which I obviously agreed with. Mom kept teasing me though, saying she would love to meet her grandkids one day, she said she didn't want me to wait for too long," her voice choked up as he saw the tears once again leave her eyes. "We all laughed at it when we came home, because of course mom understood I was too young, but it was just..."
He waited for her to continue but once she covered her mouth and nose with her hand in order to get her tears in check, looking up at the ceiling, he understood she wouldn't.
"It was a family moment," he ended for her instead and she met his eyes, nodding.
"And now she'll never meet... she'll never get the chance to see me pregnant, or even see me walk down the aisle," she said with a thick voice and he couldn't stay away anymore.
He put the frame back to its place on the bookshelf and took the few steps in between them in order to hold out his arms in an offer. To his delight she didn't even hesitate this time, just stepped into his arms and let him hug her.
"She will though, wherever she is, she'll watch over you."
He felt her hands grip his shirt at his spine and she nodded as she hugged him harder, tighter. They stood like that for a few minutes, until Kate remembered the toast that waited for them in the kitchen.