Prompt: "I was listening to 'Sorry' by Halsey and it made me remember of season 4 of Castle. So I was thinking could u do a oneshot based on this music?" Thank you for this prompt Melissa, hope you enjoyed my version of your prompt!
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She'd looked up at him, his eyes so filled with hope and she'd known she didn't deserve that. Just known he shouldn't be anywhere near her. And so she'd lied. She didn't remember. She didn't remember him telling her he loved her. She didn't remember anything other than the gunshot. Everything had gone black. The hope he'd shown when he came into her hospital room had disappeared, and she'd felt her heart ache from something other than the wound. But all hope hadn't been lost and she hadn't really been able to meet his eyes. Couldn't look at him when she knew his blues were looking at her with that same love stricken gaze she'd first then realized was real. She wondered what he'd thought, and she could see the last small hope disappear when she'd said she needed time, that she'd call. She wondered if he deep down knew she wouldn't.
Sitting on the porch of the family cabin she'd fled to she thought back to what she'd done, she'd done that quite a lot. Looking back. During the whole two months she'd been gone now. He'd texted her once, asking if she was okay, and she hadn't answered. He'd managed to go one month without contacting her, and once he'd gotten up courage to do so she hadn't even given him one word back. Two months had passed by since she broke his heart and she was really questioning her actions. She regretted it. She wanted to tell him, but it had gone two months now since the shooting and she didn't dare text or call him. What if he wouldn't forgive her? What if he wouldn't answer? What if he hated her?
"You okay?" Jim Beckett, her dad, asked coming out the door.
"I'm fine, dad," Kate mumbled, for what must've been the millionth time in the two months they'd spent together.
Her dad had taken time off work, wanted to be there for her while she healed, and in the beginning she'd been kind of grateful for it. It had been a hard first couple weeks just staying afloat. But now, she just hated seeing the way his face curled every time she happened to show she was hurting. True, she hated it in the beginning as well but once she was alert enough to see it even when he tried hiding it she had suggested he didn't need to be there anymore, that she was healed enough to take care of herself. No need for him to take out time from work when she could manage on her own. Of course he'd brushed it off, said there was no place he'd rather be, and she believed him. She could see he needed to be close to her in order to stay afloat himself.
"You sure? Looked like you were in pretty deep thought."
Kate looked at him, the gray in his hair having turned even more visible after her shooting. His eyes kept telling her she could talk to him, didn't need to shut down, and she had to look away. Gazing towards the lake in front of them she shook her head.
"I just keep thinking about him."
"Castle?"
She hadn't told him. Hadn't shared the one secret she was dying to get rid off. The one secret she wished she hadn't kept. Glancing to him she could see he didn't seem surprised by her reveal.
"Yeah. Castle."
"Why don't you give him a call?" the suggestion had her eyes meeting his with a sharpness she hadn't intended, and she could see her father staring back at her with gentle blue eyes. Blue eyes that made her think about another pair of blues she could drown in if she had just let down that damn wall inside her.
"I can't, dad. I just... can't."
She felt her eyes start to tear up and she looked at the lake again, trying her best to keep the tears from falling.
"Why is that, Katie?"
Taking deep breaths she suddenly found herself sobbing. It didn't take long before her dad sat down beside her, putting an arm around her shoulders and she didn't fight it. She leaned into his shoulder and sobbed, like she'd done so many times as a kid.
"I was mean. I hurt him. He must hate me."
Her confession was just a whisper. A whisper through the sobs and she was sure the only one hearing her was her father and the wind. She felt his hand rubbing her arm in comfort, gently hugging her as tight as he dared considering her chest wound.
"He doesn't hate you," he whispered into her hair as he kissed her head. "He loves you."
His statement had her pull away and look at him with wide eyes. "You know?" her voice was small and trembling, filled with the sorrow she felt. Had he told her dad? Had he told everyone after that moment in the cemetery? Had he told them what he told her?
"It's obvious from the way he looks at you, and by the way you look at him I'd say you're as in love with him as he is with you," her dad said and Kate felt her jaw fall down.
Was it that obvious? Her father had only met the writer a couple times. Which wasn't enough times to know. It shouldn't be enough times to know. It had been like two or three times?! And one of them had been during the funeral of her captain. The day it all went to hell. The day she'd been shot in the chest. The day the writer had confessed his love for her.
"Look," her dad got her attention back on him, "I know you don't let people in since Johanna... since your mom was killed, but somehow that boy has been with you from the beginning and like it or not but I know you let him in further than anyone else. You told me how you despised him in the beginning, remember? But I could also see in your eyes how refreshing it was to have a challenge, I could slowly see a light that was taken from you that cold night return in your eyes. And at that funeral... I saw the way you looked at him, the way you two looked at each other."
Kate felt her cheeks blush, felt her tears go down the warmth.
"And, I never told you this, but in the waiting room I could see he was hurting as much as I was, if not more. Especially after that Josh said it was all his fault," he mumbled the last part and she felt her heart skip a beat.
"What?" she whimpered, her voice so small.
Her dad nodded and she felt her heart break. Castle had thought it was his fault? He'd thought it was his fault she was laying on the operating table, dying by a bullet that had pierced her chest. And you just left him. Her tears were unstoppable and her father pulled her into his embrace again, slowly rocking her body in a try at comfort. Eventually she fell asleep, the exhausting from the new information knocking her out along with the sobs.
Jim continued rocking his little girl even after her sobs stopped and her breathing turned into a deep one, indicating she was out. He continued kissing her head a little now and then. He hated seeing his baby girl hurting, but he also knew this was something that had bothered her for the two months they'd been here. It had surprised him when she told him what was on her mind, especially considering the topic on her mind had been the writer. She'd never been clear on what she thought about her partner, but even after the first time she'd told him about the shadow he had known there would be something more. And when he'd seen them together? It all reminded him of his own marriage, and he knew Castle was in love with her the first time he talked to him. He knew the two shared feelings for each other but none of them had been willing to admit it. Sighing he looked out over the lake, wondered if he should or shouldn't contact the writer. He didn't want to upset his daughter, but at the same time he couldn't continue watching her being so miserable. He decided he'd wait a little while longer because maybe, just maybe, she'd changed her mind after their conversation. But first he'd let her sleep a while longer, maybe she'd sleep better now after opening up.
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Jim had gotten a call the day after she'd let him in on her thoughts. His boss had told them they had an emergency and if he wanted to keep his job he needed to come back. At first Jim had been very unreasonable, said he couldn't just leave his daughter when she still wasn't fully recovered, but Kate had managed to talk him back into it. She'd told him she didn't want to be the reason he lost his job, and that she was recovered enough to take care of herself. She didn't need him anymore to go shopping for example, didn't need him to be able to drive the short distance to the store, she could do that by herself now and besides, she needed the training. After arguing about it he had conceded, knew his daughter had the same stamina her mother did. He'd called back to his work and said he was on his way, that he'd be able to start the next day. When saying goodbye he had been very clear to her that he'd drive back to her in a heartbeat if she needed him, made her promise to call if she needed him.
She didn't need him, she told herself she didn't need him. But oh god was it empty without his presence. Already the day after he'd gone she'd woken up with the same nightmares she'd thought she'd gotten rid off in the beginning. The same nightmares that involved her partner being fast enough and taken the bullet for her. The same nightmares where her almost lover was killed right before her eyes. It'd gotten so bad she'd woken up with sweat covering her body, her heart aching like it had with the bullet piercing through it. It had taken her a full hour to get her breathing back to normal, yet she refused to call her dad. It had been the same way, every morning, for a week before she couldn't handle it any longer. She didn't feel safe, she thought she would but she didn't. And those damn nightmares, they got through to her, made her worry about her former partner. Was he alright? Had they gone after him when they hadn't found her? Did he hate her? She missed him. Missed the way he'd always been able to make her smile no matter how irritated she was with him. Sitting back at the porch again, after yet another panic attack she'd thought she'd left behind, she had pulled up his contact info on her phone. Jumping in and out of the contact app to also look at all those photos he'd taken with her phone when she had been in the bathroom or gone to get a new pen or whenever she'd left him alone at her desk for more than five minutes. He'd taken some serious, some completely foolish pictures, and she'd saved the best ones. At the time she'd thought of keeping them as a blackmail kinda thing if he ever got out of line, but now she was grateful as some of them were the only thing bringing a small smile to her face. God, she missed him. Pulling up his contact info again she let her thumb hover over his number, but she had no intention of actually calling. She was too scared he'd decline her call, or, worse, hang up on her before she could even begin her apology. Two months, one week and three days. That's how long it'd gone since they spoke last, since she told him to give her space, told him she didn't remember. She'd been mean. Lied to him. Hurt him.
"Beckett?" his voice had her jumping in her seat, pulling at her scar, and she stared down at her phone. "Hello? Beckett?" Her thumb must've touched his number after all. "Are you there? Are you okay? Kate!?"
Realizing what she'd done she quickly puts the phone to her ear. "I... I-ah, sorry," she had to force the words out of her mouth, still too shocked to really believe she'd called him.
She could hear him sigh with relief. "Thank god," she heard him mumble and she felt her heart strain against her chest. He'd been worried. He wouldn't be worried unless he still... right? "Are you okay?"
"I-I'm fine," she got out and shit, she was crying. When had the tears even gotten to her eyes?
"What happened? You sure?"
It was so good to hear his voice and she couldn't stop the sobs from leaving her lips. Didn't matter how hard she tried to bite her lip and clench her jaw tight. "No," she sobbed. "I'm sorry, Castle. I'm so s-sorry."
"It's okay, Kate, it's okay," he tried to calm her down and she hated that tone in his voice, it sounded so pained.
As if by simply hearing her cry hurt him. And why did I call him?! She didn't want to hurt him more than she already had. She didn't want him to hurt.
"No, it's not," her voice broke, her sobs slowly stopping with the anger she felt towards herself. "I hurt you. I hurt you. I lied to you. I..." shouldn't have called you.
He went silent and she wondered for a slight moment if he had indeed hung up on her. Might as well have, she wasn't worth him. But then she could hear his breaths, and she laid down on the small outdoors couch she had been sitting on, she curled into a small ball, hugging her aching chest as she kept the phone in a tight grip to her ear.
"Are you alone?" he suddenly asked, and she felt her lip quivering.
"Yeah, my dad left about a week ago for work," she told him through broken voice.
"Do you need company?"
His voice was gentle, concerned, and she didn't deserve him, she really didn't.
"I don't know if that's a good idea?" It came out more as a question than as a statement.
"Okay then, what do you want? Do you want company? Do you want me to drive out to you?" he asked and she was a little taken back by that.
Did he know where she was? Did he know she wasn't at her apartment? "You know where I am?" she asked and she could almost see him silently cursing himself.
"Yeah," he sighed out. "I asked the others if they had heard anything from you, and they told me you probably was at your dad's cabin. Seeing how I went by your apartment, only to check if you were there," he defended himself before she could scold him, not that she'd intended to, "and it was completely dark I figured they must be right."
"Okay," she said and she heard him take in a sharp breath, holding it. "I want the company." I want you.
She could hear his sudden movement through the phone and she wondered if he was running around his loft to collect his things.
"Do you want to hang up?" he suddenly asked and she shook her head before she remembered he couldn't see her.
"No, unless you need to focus on your driving," she let out.
"Nope, I'm good," he said and she could hear the smile he was wearing.
They didn't talk much, she mostly listened to him as he breathed and scribbled down a note for Alexis and Martha, at least that's what she supposed he was doing when she heard a pen to paper, and it wasn't until she heard the slam of his car door that she opened her mouth again.
"How have you been?"
She could see the way he would shrug his shoulders before he answered. "I've been good, considering."
"Yeah..."
"But I'm better now, I'm glad you called."
Her cheeks burnt, and she wondered how he could evoke a blush without even trying. She was starting to get tired again, so damn tired these days. It was hell not getting the sleep she needed due to those damn nightmares.
"Tell me what's new?"
"About the case?" he asked and she wrinkled her nose. Ew, god no.
"About life. I don't want to talk about the case."
"Ah, got it," he said before he started telling her about what had been going on the last few months.
It didn't certainly always have to do with him, or them, but he told her every new thing that had happened in the city they live in. About her boys and her best friend. Also told her about the new captain, how captain Victoria 'Iron' Gates had kicked him out because there was no place for a civilian in her precinct. Kate had chuckled at that, at him being thrown out, but then grumbled about how she already didn't like the sound of her new boss. Castle had continued telling her about how their coffee spot had gotten a makeover compared to how it looked before and Kate was slowly falling asleep to the sound of his voice, the voice she'd missed so much more than she thought was possible. The same voice that had told her he loved her.
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A/N: So, there'll be four chapters of this one and I know it goes a little off the prompt after chapter 2, but it was hard for me to stop writing. Managed to keep it to four chapters though, so hope you enjoyed the first chapter and will enjoy the other three as well! I will publish the next chapters Wednesday, Saturday and Monday if nothing comes between me and the publishing these next few days. Love ya, xxxx