I am currently at Safeway while waiting for Jasper because I was been waiting for him for an hour. I checked my wristwatch a few times, and at last, he arrived. He's late. I saw him walking towards me while smiling.
''What are we going to do?'' He says.
''Get some grocery carts,'' I announced.
We immediately headed to the large storage racks and started roamed about what we could buy for the victims.
''Tissue paper,'' I say, and picked up over the rack.
I saw that he was also shopping and what he could buy, and handed a shaving cream. I glared him a look.
''No, this is mine.'' He said self-justifying.
''Do you shave? But you don't have any single strip of hair grow to your upper lip,'' I exclaimed.
''I need to shave my private part you know,'' He was cocksure, and make a half-smile, raised my eyebrows, and eyes looking to the side.
''Sometimes you were disrelish,'' I say disgustedly.
''We're turning to adults now. At least we learn how to handle our proper hygiene.'' He muttered, and got some Irish spring soaps and placed them on the grocery cart.
I took out some corned beef, sees the packaging while we were still inside the Safeway and still shopping and with Jasper.
''What could be better to buy tuna or corned beef?'' I say hand out the canned goods.
''Maybe corned beef has more saturated (bad) fat than chicken, uhm you know saturated and trans fats can raise your blood cholesterol and make heart disease worse, though fish actually have a health benefit.'' He shrugs off his shoulders.
We went to the cashier to pay and Jasper and I went out after getting what we bought. We got up in his car and he placed the grocery bags in the backseat. He read the receipt, and check the ones we bought and took out the Trolli from my jacket's pocket. He was surprised because the Trolli was not in the receipt.
He glared a look.
''Did you steal that?'' He groaned.
''There is nothing wrong with that, we bought something from them anyway,'' I say and saw him smirked.
''I can't believe you.'' He sounds disappointed. ''What if they caught us?''
''I know where their CCTV cameras are located, and I know I will not be noticed. They will not get lose anything if I take a little of their goods.'' I'll spell out while he's upset and I told him to switched on the engine before any could trace us.
Jasper started driving and I offered him the candy I had stolen earlier.
''This is what I like about Trolli with consistency, it does not change the taste, it is still delicious,'' I mumbled, leaning my head against the front seat.
''Come on, just try it,'' I say bothering him. He shakes his head as he keeps refusing.
''Hey, what are you doing?!''He irritatingly smugs.
What I did is to feed him the candy while he was driving. He didn't have the chance to squirm out.
''It tastes good right?'' I asked.
''Don't be pesky. I am driving, okay?''
My eyes were leering at him.
''You know what you're a naysayer.'' I groaned.
''Don't know how Storm tolerates you.'' He mumbled.
''Well, he's like my fucking father.''
''I know world shows indignant to you, but did you not notice that it has a brighter side?'' Jasper gazes at the road sternly.
Suddenly I threw the candy out of the window I had stolen earlier with another pack that I had not yet opened. His forehead furrowed, and he looked disappointed.
''Okay, I've got it.'' I raised both hands as I surrender, succumb to his actions.
We arrived at the school and found Merrick and Bradford standing around, the rest of us were there to pack relief supplies and donations, and the science club was assigned to lead that. I quickly got out of his car and carried the groceries we had bought earlier. We met Mrs. Everleigh in the hallway and I walked away from them to go to my locker. Jasper then helped me pack the goods we would distribute to the victims of the massive wildfire in Greenbay.
''Did you know that my dad used to donate our old clothes to retirement home during Christmas?'' He began.
''It is not obvious that you love charities, should I donate my old clothes sent by my mom that I did not even use and just stocked at home,'' I looked at him emphatically.
''Until the packing, you are still together, Embry might be jealous of that,'' Bradford stated.
''Just shut up there!'' I rolled my eyes. ''And do your own things.''
Jasper just shook his head because he talks gibberish. Merrick handed us bottled water, ''Thanks.''
Suddenly Jasper's phone rang and he quickly took it out of his pocket and answered and walked away from my seat. I saw Embry talking to him and perhaps occupied myself and Merrick helped me catch the other relief supplies to be included in the eco-bags which going to be donated tomorrow.
A week after, I am taking a shower, and I was about to leave the bathroom when Jasper hit my eye so I was able to turn around. My body was wrapped in a towel, and I quickly covered the front part of my body as if someone could see.
''I'm sorry for intruding, your door was open and I thought Storm was here.'' He mumbled, motioning his left elbow against the wind.
I was just stunned as he saw me wrapped in a towel as Storm came out of the kitchen and saw me standing from in front of him. My hair is still wet, and my body is soaked with water from the bathroom.
''Don't you know the word private space?'' I groaned, inducing my irritability.
''I didn't mean to think you finished taking a bath.'' Storm delineates while keeping a glaring look at Jasper.
I glanced at the two of them then left for the room to get dressed.
''You're ready for the donation drive?'' He asked and shifting his head to Jasper. ''Can you just go with Sanders, I'm just busy with the packages. I still need to pick up some deliveries.''
I just looked at Jasper and he nodded at a sedate pace.
There are moments in your life, that even if you regret it you can never bring back what happened most of them are the painful ones, there's no rewind, nor replay. I kept trusting Jasper whatever he wanted to share with me, the most cherished ambitions that I knew only Murry would ruin. Being selfish is a big thing for me, it proves how important it is to live that you are your own opponent. I know that being selfish can hurt and that my life ruined by my own past.
I watched Jasper intently while driving, with that part of myself that made me doubt how comfortable I was with him. He is probably the only person who besides knowing who I am is the person I will not judge. I know I prefer to keep an eye on him secretly and as we pass the trees by the side of the road. I slightly leaned part of my head from the front seat while traveling to Greenbay. I still have enough ability to mingle with the victims of the massive wildfire, to fill their broken hopes with joy to hear their intricate stories, how wildfire destroyed their place.
Little did I know that I had fallen asleep at the time of the trip, I slowly opened my lid, and saw Jasper from the car window. He just looked at me without a word coming out of his mouth. I slowly stretched my resting body and opened the car door and we reached Greenbay. There came an old man in his forties who seemed to be talking to Jasper but I did not know what they were talking about. When I got out of the car, the man noticed me.
'' I am Charlie, I am happy that your school donated for the massive wildfire. There is so much sadness among the people living here, how come some of the houses were dismantled, we called it to the officials but now we haven't received any answer from them.'' He says.
I smiled sadly in sympathy.
After we had dinner, I stood outside the evacuees and the cold breeze touched my skin. Charlie offered us a cabin to stay for tonight. I saw from a distance the mother taking care of her child that was devastated by the massive wildfire where they lived. I noticed a few steps of the foot approaching me.
''Charlie's wife was looking for you earlier, I've been looking for you somewhere.'' He says.
I heard his voice but I did not look back, there are some parts of myself that I should not look at him. I hugged my arms and he stood up from beside me. I entered the cabin late and left him there, I looked tired on the trip. Stared up to the ceiling and I can't sleep, I'm lying next to Jasper. I turned my head slightly as I looked at him. I did not expect to be able to sleep with Jasper that night. The cabin is small, and there are some parts with wood rot, because of fungi growth, which in turn causes the wood's fibers to deteriorate. I wrapped myself in the blanket that Charlie's wife had given me earlier, while my back is drooping on the floor layered by thin bedsheets.
I woke up and noticed the light from the cabin, I turned around and there was no Jasper lying next to me. Got up and went out of the cabin, and saw the evacuees queuing for the prepared breakfast. Charlie greeted me and I smiled. I saw Charlie's wife and Jasper helping out with breakfast for the victims. I noticed that he looked at the part I was standing on. A little girl approached me.
''I want a waffle, they don't have a waffle.'' Then she held my hand.
I bent my knees then talked to the child.
''Let me next time I bring you. How many do you want?''
''I want a lot of waffles, especially the ones with a strawberry sauce that my Dad makes.'' She mumbled, and I pinched her cheek.
The woman came over, I think I was talking to her daughter.
''I'm sorry Miss to my daughter Betty, she's being rowdy sometimes.'' She took Betty's hand, and bring it somewhere.
I smiled sparingly, as they head out Jasper walked in my direction.
''It looks like that Greenbay community likes you,'' I say.
''I really like helping others.'' He stated.
''Because you like charities,'' I chuckled, which seems obvious I should know.
We shared the soup while sitting at the tent and sitting across his table.
''Do you know I made this soup, my mom taught me the recipe when she was still alive.'' He began.
I could taste the taste of the soup as he began to speak.
''I think you are like your mom, you love charities and generous to others,'' I mumbled.
''I told Charlie we were leaving soon, Charlie and I will just fix something, then we can leave.'' He added.
Jasper and I got in the car and said goodbye to Charlie. Before we left, my phone rang and Murry called. But I turned it off and did not answer the call. Jasper wondered who was calling.
''It's Murry,'' I replied in an indisposed manner.
''Jago runs away to his home, and no one knows where he is.'' Riggs began when it's Monday in Northwood.
''Did you ask his brother?'' I say.
''Maybe this is about the case of Dario's death and his uncle who is suspect in the crime.'' He announced.
Jago's disappearance spread throughout the school, there are missing posters scattered to let him know he is missing. Their attention in the search had gone ashtray. Jago was suddenly ignored in the news. There are strange doubts, even Mrs. Everleigh but I wondered even more and searched for why Jago disappeared. A few days later, word spread that Jago had committed suicide and his body was found by the river.
I was at school and Merrick suddenly tumble into my way.
''You! You are the reason my brother committed suicide, he would not do that if it were not for you! He chose you more than our family. Who else will die next?!'' Merrick makes a scene and Jasper hovered.
''Hey, Merrick stop.'' Jasper tries to pacify his temper while students gossip.
''I have not done anything wrong, Merrick, it's his decision of killing himself.'' I groaned.
Merricks face showing too unlikely to be believed an unbelievable excuse.
''Don't make us naive Sanders, and your juvenile delinquent schemes!'' He announced, stared at me in daggers.
''It is not my fault that he chose to take his life,'' I say.
Merrick rolled his eyes, and he let go from the students and stomping his arms to stoppage the scene. He left annoyed and I suddenly gasped and Jasper approached me to calm down. It feels like I was sending out great waves of nastiness. I still can't believe his accusations against me, the hurtful words he uttered.
I was in the hallway and I saw Jasper approaching me but I ignored him. I just don't want to talk to anyone, I want to be alone, I'm fucked up. I feel like a ghost in a world of paper dolls. I am the ghost in my own machine. I am a ghost running through time and space, looking, always looking in the blackness for a sacred spark. And all this world becomes noise, a distraction from my task to find the one - the one who went alone into the dark. For should all he be is a fragment of fire, barely a cinder, it matters not, because I will become a river of gasoline. There is a silence to my soul; I fall leaves under frost. I feel the chill in my blood, coldness bringing the synapses of my brain to a standstill. Part of it is a pain, yet one I can endure, one I can sleep through night after night without the anesthesia of false hope.
Perhaps the road toward heaven feels like hell. Because I can tell you I never felt more empty in mind, body, or soul, never so bereft of any comfort. I have felt so worthless or disposable, never so wretched and cold. For hours I would have no emotion, only an urge to move fast; then all at once, I'd be on the floor, shaking with grief that bled from my bones. The emptiness is always there; I consider myself decent at hiding it, masking it with normal human emotions. No one is going to ask me why I'm smiling. It hides everywhere, this emptiness.
I attended the funeral as I knew I would be a gate crasher, a few steps closer to the cremated ashes, and a view of the funeral urn. Merrick stared at me in daggers, but his friends suppressed him from making the scene. But I left straight away and didn't stay for long hours. I feel too heavy, the guilt sat not on my chest but inside my brain. What I had done I could not un-do, could make amends in subtle ways. Guilt is my bitch, I don't share my pains, but I own them, and they make me stronger.
I was in the room all night, I did not want to go out and socialize with people, I was lazy to get up. it was as if half of my body had died. I also forgot that I have class. Took a deep breath as I thought deeply, because of me my friends are doomed, after Dario died Jago was next. Who will be damned next? I'm afraid I'm endangering the lives of my friends.
Am I cursed? Or maybe everything Murry thinks is right about me. My insides died slowly in the toxicity, needing no more than a spark to set it ablaze. The fire burnt me out so badly there was nothing left but a shell, an outline of a person. I wanted to be perfect so much, even as a little kid, and it kills me that I wasn't. I wanted to follow Murry from my earliest memories and I still strayed. So though it's hard to move past my mistakes, I own them, hold them as my own.
One second passed. Two seconds passed. Three seconds passed. Guilt was eating and pestering me. A fire burned in my mind and throat. Remorse hit me like a sledgehammer. I could feel daggers aiming at me from within the crowd. There are times my brain fries up. It's no excuse I know; I own my behavior. I try to help, try to be good, and then a trigger is flicked.
I placed my headphones to my ears, but before I had a chance to put the playlist, I felt tears well up in my eyes, feeling too heavy as I blamed myself for that moment. I know they blame me for what happened, it looks like I have no reasons to live, I just want to die and to vanished the pulse that gives me breathing.
I just woke up with someone caressing my head, I saw Murry, how many hours did I sleep?
''I do not know how long I have not been closer to you like this.'' He began. ''I'm sorry for everything, I know I blamed you for what happened to our family.'' I saw Murry crying.
It was the first time I had seen Murry cry.
''I just don't know where I will pour my resentment, and I blame you all.'' He announced as I listen to his unscramble grounds.
Tears still stream down to his cheeks. I'm not used to seeing him like this, it's unusual.
''I remember when your mom found at the storehouse, she was abused, torn into pieces. I was so helpless at that time. She feels scared, ashamed, and alone, and her flashbacks. Catherine's world doesn't feel like a safe place anymore. She doesn't trust others even me. What's worse is they don't believe it, they said your mom is victim-blaming.'' He says.
I sat up from lying down and hugged him. I felt his felt pain.