I look at the little girl in front of me. Her brown hair is straight and full of filth. Her eyes observe me with a mixture of fear and curiosity. The dirt sticks to her cheeks and clothes. She doesn't say a thing but just stands there and waits for me to move out of the shadows. I guess she is about five, maybe a bit older. "Hello, little lady," I start silently and she tilts her head.
"Are you an angel?" she asks bluntly.
"Why do you think that?" I want to know irritated.
"My sister told me about you. Are you?" she asks and I smile.
"Henriette told you that?" Her eyes widen at my words.
"You know her, so it is you?" she whispers and it is then when I can see that she tries to stay strong but tears start to float down her cheeks.
"Why are you crying?" I step in front of her and kneel down to face her. "Hm?" I want to know and she sobs.
"Henry said... she said..." she gasps for air and I lay down my hands on her shoulders.
"Shhh... calm down, everything's okay," I console her and she fights back the tears. Brave little girl. I take out a necklace with a pendant. "I brought you a present," I say while taking one of her hands and lay it down there.
Her small fingers open the pendant to take a look inside. I take it back to place it safely around her neck. "You know what?" I say and my eyes start to gleam. Her hazel eyes inspect my face and I can nearly see her wondering why my eyes seem to be different now.
"I'm not an angel, your sister... she knows what I really am, but you are a clever girl too, aren't you?" I ask and she nods. "Are you also a brave one?" she waits a few moments before wiping off the tears. "Yes, you are, Nora," she looks at me trying not to start crying again.
"I'm a demon," I say silently but can see the tears coming back before I can keep on talking. "Are you afraid?" I want to know and she only nods all tensed up. Leaning my head to the right I look at her as if I'm thinking hard.
"I'm not sure that I'm allowed to tell you a secret, but Henry told you about angels already, right?" She nods again clutching her hands around the little pendant I gave her.
"You are the angel, Nora. Henry wanted me to believe in angels and here you stand. Do you know how to prove that?" I caught her curiosity.
"You are far stronger than me," I whisper with my hand next to my mouth and she still eyes me without saying anything. I guess I will need to show her, to break the ice. Shifting around my feet I sit down in front of her with my feet crossed.
"Show me your hand," but she doesn't move. I guess she is truly related to Henry. Slowly reaching out I take her hand and drag her softly to touch my shoulder. "Try it. Push me," she takes back her hand shyly first but the longer I smile at her the more I can see her gathering some courage.
After a few more moments she reaches out her hand to give me a little push on my shoulder. Immediately I let myself fall back and lying on the floor with my arms widespread. She giggles for a moment but as I don't move anymore, she becomes silent again.
It's so easy to make children happy for a short moment, no matter what else is happening around. "Mister?" she then asks insecurely. I can hear her walk around to take a look at my face. Keeping my eyes closed I wait for her further reactions.
She is walking around once more before I can feel the small hands trying to push up my head a bit. That's the moment I open one of my eyes and out of shock my head slips out of her hands and hits the floor. Hurrying to get away from me, I can nearly see Henry in her features.
I sit up rubbing the back of my head. "Ouch," I say and she looks at me.
"I'm sorry," a silent whisper and I have to smile.
"Don't be sorry for being strong, little angel." She even reacts the same way Henry would.
"Will you tell Henry to come and visit me soon?" she all of a sudden wants to know and I don't really know what to answer. Thinking for a moment there is a chance she understands my words.
"Nora, your sister is one of the bravest angels I've ever seen. She was so brave as to show me the light in life. God had called her back to protect heaven again," I try to explain and she only nods sadly.
"That doesn't mean she isn't watching over you. She always did, didn't she?" I assume and can see her starting to shiver. I can't stand the sadness in her eyes. I killed Henry, I really shouldn't be the one to be here, but there is nobody left to take care of her.
I found the address of the orphanage on my account sheet from the Frog. I'm sure that Henriette was visiting her as often as she could but because of my first misstep I kept her captive and unknowingly also away from Nora.
Breaking into the orphanage was easy and taking a look at the books to find a McDonnelly wasn't hard either. The house is old and not very secure; the lady who runs it should take more care of the building – and the kids. I saw how much she
got from Henry, and finding Nora and the other children, under those circumstances, doesn't explain where the money goes to.
I'm not even sure that she lives here on her own or she maybe only locks the children in at night. Identifying Nora out of all those girls here wasn't easy though. I managed to get her into the hallway and out of the sleeping room with a trick. There are about twenty more girls who could have been her. It was her scent and her eyes that made me assume who she is.
"She gave me one more thing for you, little angel," I say and Nora looks hesitantly at my face as I open my arms. "She told me that, as the demon I am, I can act as a vessel and if you feel lonely and want to hug her, you are allowed to hug me and she will know."
Nora's eyes grow wide before she nearly stumbles over her own feet to get to me and squeeze my chest. I know it's a bad trick, but I remember very well that a kid needs someone to trust and it was the most honest story I could think of.
I can't deny that I enjoy it, too. It feels okay to experience the sadness inside me with her. That little girl doesn't judge me, but just shares the loss of someone important. I can't prevent the memories to come up and just hold Nora.
***
I ram my fangs into the last victim this night. I will need to find another village after this one and give them all what they earn. Death and pain. I decided a few years ago to accept my demons after nearly going crazy trying to control it.
It took me quite a while to figure out what it means to be that creature Gwendolyn created. It didn't help with the initial problem, but that doesn't matter anymore. There is nothing besides the blood that counts. Even though I would like to know what happened and why she left me, it wouldn't change a thing. I pushed myself to find my boundaries but in the end, I only found out that none of the townspeople can cope with my existence.
Letting go of the limp body in my arms I step out of the house and into the night, not even caring about my dirty clothes. The jute fabric clinches to my upper body. I take a deep breath of the clear night air as I all of a sudden see a moving shadow.
Am I hallucinating again? I saw Gwen several times in the last few years but this is somehow different. I think I can smell her. Her curves and the ginger hair emerge from the fog that has formed in front of the houses. She is not alone, I can hear someone crying.
"Killian?" she asks softly and I can't move as I see what she is holding in her arms. "Look there little one, we found him," she points at me before stroking along the cheek of the baby in her arms. It's still crying and I don't know what is going on.
"How did you find me?" is all I can manage to ask. All the pain is wiped away as the sound of my name resonates in my head. I love her, no matter what she did to me. She came back. She came back to find me. That's enough.
"I followed the butchered villages and towns. You really shouldn't be so greedy or they'll find you while daytime and burn you. Come here, I want to introduce you to someone,"
she beams and I can't even control my feet that started to move to get closer to her anyway.
"Where have you been, Gwen?"
"I found our son, Killian," she says without really answering my question and I stare at her. I'm not even close to being able to become a father and I'm not sure how she could become a mother in that condition we are in.
She strokes along my cheek before nearly forcing the baby into my arms. I never had a baby in my arms before and I'm still dunked in blood. "His name is Tobias," she smiles.
What is happening here? "I told you we will have a family, didn't I? I'm sorry that I'm a bit late," she says waiting for my reaction, but I'm too shocked. I can't even decide if I want to look into her face or at the baby.
She all of a sudden starts to laugh out loud. "Oh Killian, just tell me that you love me already," and I do as she wants.
"I love you, Gwendolyn."
***
Holding Nora still tight after a few minutes I start to explain further. "I will need to go now, but I will send a lady to you. Her hair is made of fire, but don't be afraid, she won't harm you. I can't promise that she will take you with her, but I will make sure you are safe. Henriette gave me clear instructions, and who I am to not follow an angel's orders?" I close my eyes for a few more moments. That's harder than I thought.
I try to get up, but she won't let go of me. She is silently crying and I sigh. "Little Angel? Did you hear me? I can't stay here, demons are creatures of the night," I try to explain while pushing her away from me. Wiping over her cheeks to dry the tears I look deeply into her eyes.
"Tell nobody about me or the lady, okay? It's a secret," I tell her and she holds the pendant I gave her tightly but nods. "Good girl," I say softly stroking her head.
It breaks my heart that I need to leave her alone again, but I can't help her now. It's safer where she is – I just hope that the lady with the fiery hair won't turn my plans into ashes. I'm running out of ideas on how to fix things.
Basically, there is no way to fix it anymore; Henry is dead. All I can do is to make sure to do damage control. I have to hurry to get back to the headquarters in time before the sun rises.
Standing at the main entrance I take a look back to feel that prickle on my skin. It's a warning. The sun is coming and bringing some light into the dark. Sometimes this will bring more pain than people think; the darkness is like a mother hiding the cruelty from those she tries to protect.
Turning around, the guards of the dayshift close the doors behind me, and I take out another cigarette. My whole body aches and I feel numb as I stand at Tristan's door - again.
It's always the same door, but I have the feeling that this damn door saw more of my true emotions than every other person. I try to get myself together as my head starts to spin. It's not the time to show weakness. This is only the beginning of what will come. I need to be strong.
I knock and Tristan is already waiting for me, leaning at his writing desk. His eyes are cold and his brows are furrowed. I know what he wants from me, but I can't give it to him. No matter how much his look is drilling into mine and no matter how much this will hurt. I only take a stance. Looking into his face and eyes I keep my wall up. I don't know what to tell him, but I know what I won't tell him.
***
I look at him, waiting for his defense. He needs to tell me what happened in that room. "So, here we are," I say and he nods. "Tell me what happened, Ethan," I order and he looks me in the eye. How can he be so calm? He ruined that interior completely, something must have happened.
"Henriette died," he finally says and I push myself away from the writing desk.
"I saw that. Tell me what happened before," I build up in front of him, but that never really impressed him much. It's no difference now.
"I drank," he replies dryly and I can't help but slap his stupid face. He inhales sharply and a line of blood drools down from his lip. I can see that he has his eyes closed for a few more moments than necessary and it takes another few for him to look back into my face.
I feel sorry, but at the same time helpless. I don't know what to believe and why he is acting the way he does. How can I find out if he is not telling me anything? What if he finally decided that he doesn't need to follow any kind of rules anymore?
It was hard work to show him that my rules are meant to help and support a sense of togetherness in a society full of hungry and blood-thirsty people. Right now, he shouldn't shake things up even more, but help me bringing things back to order.
"You know that she trusted you, right? I had a long talk with Erwin," I inform him and he nods. A sad smile sneaks on his face. "He told me about the fracture you gave Henry," I grind my teeth as he keeps on waiting for me to continue. He should tell me that not the other way round.
"He told me for how long he was taking care for Henry and for how long he was treating her wounds already," my eyes start to glow. His silence makes me angry. "Do you want to tell me something?" I give him a chance to answer before I continue. Nothing.
"I couldn't believe what I heard from Erwin," I start to wander around in front of him. "I told him that all of this must be a mistake because you didn't even mention it with a single word."
Taking off my jacket I rub my neck. "Then I told myself,
that there must be a really good reason why you didn't tell me about it but all scenarios I could think of made no sense. If you would have loved her, you wouldn't have killed her and if you would have used her for drinking only you wouldn't have to hide it. But who knows?"
I can't hide my disappointment about the whole relationship he had with that girl. "I wanted one thing, Ethan. One! That was honesty and what do I get from you? Silence. That's it. Do I mean so little to you after all?" hissing the words against the writing desk to not look into Ethan's face right now.
"What do you think will happen now?" I try to keep my tone down but have to adjust after nearly shouting the last question. I would like to hug and beat him at the same time.
My rules are simple and easy to follow. Why isn't he able to follow them? What did that poor girl do to him, that she earns such treatment? I remember the shy blush when I first kissed him. Did my feelings let me go blind? I invested so much in this already, in so many ways...
"Tristan..." he all of a sudden says my name softly. I turn around and see him taking out a handkerchief to wipe off the blood of his lip. Is it still bleeding or did I slap him so hard?
"Tristan, I don't know why you are so shocked. I did worse since we met," I can't believe he just said that.
"Are you serious?" I want to know but he just keeps on looking at me. "You kicked our laws with feet and your only defense is that you've done worse before?" I narrow my eyes and can see him tensing up.
He is waiting for me to beat him and I know he wouldn't fight back. Not the way he is looking at me right now. He wants to get beaten, but I won't do that. I want to know what he is hiding and do not give him an easy way out. The fact that he tries to get that treatment from me tells me that there is more to it.
I sigh, before getting to hug him. He tenses up even more but then realizes that I don't intend to hurt him.
"You stupid fool," I can't keep the cursing in. "I know that you are hiding something and I will find out sooner or later. Better sooner and better by you telling me. Trust me," I whisper into his ear before running my nose along his neck. He pushes me away before I can place a kiss there.
His eyes are glowing and I'm not sure what is going on. I should be the one who is upset, but it's him standing there all tensed up and ready to start a fight.
***
That was close. I can't risk that he drinks from me.
"I trust you, but do you still trust me?" I finally ask and Tristan looks at me confused before growling out silently.
"What a stupid question. Of course, I do," he finally says and I'm pretty sure he doesn't. He still thinks I was lying about Doctor Nowak's death and he also assumes that I just killed Henry, because I could.
"But I need the truth, Ethan, if it's not for the sake of following orders of your lord, then at least as a friend. Give me something I can build upon! Give me something to believe in."
Believing includes not knowing. If I tell him he knows and doesn't believe in it. Doesn't he see that? On the other hand, I think I should give him something to think about to let go of the topic with Henry.
"Her name was Gwendolyn. She taught me that there is nothing to believe in but one's self," I can nearly see the anger creeping up his throat, but he is not like me. Tristan can control it.
"This has nothing to do with this case," he says dangerously silent and I decide to shut up again. As he realizes that, he waves his hand at me. "You may leave now," he says cold and I can feel my heart sink. Stay strong, Ethan. I have to bite my lip but nod, before turning around to leave.
I made it back to my room, but not without taking some essentials with me. Sitting down in front of my bed I open the bottle of whiskey to take a heavy gulp. I wonder if it will help me to get rid of Henry's taste in my mouth.
I feel dirty and ashamed of my own doing. There is no way my stupid head allows me to sleep today but I need to try. The real victim of all that is Nora, Henriette's little sister in that hellhole of an orphanage. I keep on smoking and drinking while I try to figure out how to tell Celeste. How to convince her to help me out the way I picture it.
My head spins, not only because of the booze. Oh, Henriette, why did we need to end up like that? Why can't I just be wrong once?