A little girl was running in the street, dressing dark green boots of plastic, cover with mud, this boots were dirty; also dressing a yellow and wet coat, was raining. The girl, while she was running, spill tears out of her eyes, her eyes were red of it. When she arrive a park, she just sit down of an old apple tree, that practically have no more leaves.
She just see the sky, but in her look, seems like seeing the sky was something that calm her of all the pain that she hide inside, and all the suffering that she pass for. “I remember when with my biggest sister we where playing who can find forms in the clouds” she says, in a voice that seems that were of other person, a happy one, one that enjoy her life, that appreciate the life that she have. “But this enjoyable moment cannot be real for me anymore” she said in a depress tone, the girl sigh.
I was followed her all the way here. I don't like see people depressed, and I wouldn't be stand hiding back of a tree seem something that seems like a private moment to her, must be better talk to her and try to console her. I always believe that demonstrate that you are supporting a person, made them have strengths to don't give up, that just believe in a person, can give enough strength to do something to that person.
I come close, closer and closer, and while I was walking step by step, I was thinking in which words can be perfect to start a conversation with her.
“You seem decayed” I say it, when I was in front of her. I believe that I take a good decision in choose the words, because now I have her attention, and she don't tell me to go away, she was only see me like if finally someone notice that she is broken in all the years since she born.
“I don't see you coming” she tell me while she pass her fingers to her cheek and clean her tears softly, so softly, like if she was a doll mading of cristal, that can broke with a minimum touch.
“I always have the capacity in be in places and anyone realize that I am in there” I see while I turn my face to see the sky. “I do not understand why you're surprise” I admit.
“I do not know, I think… Well, I believe, that just because you don't appear so much now” She tell me.
“Well you are right” I admit. “A long time don't see, ah’’
“I was busy’’
“Yeah, sure’’ she tell me skeptically while she turn her eyes to me. For I can appreciate her rage to me. Her eyes reveal all that she feel, not only rage, sadness, anger, ire, madness, and something else, that I could not describe “Just admit it’’ she says with a tone of voice that can reveal how much tired she is about it, like she want to overcome me, like she want to attack me; while she moves and make a sound with her teeth, giving other characteristic that can reveal, not so deeply, what she feels. “You no longer care about me’’
“T-that's don’t true’’ I feel so anger to myself when she say that, probably that's why I can feel my face a little warm, probably red for anger. And my voice, I don't know why, heard like broken, like if I interrupt myself, like I was trying to avoid the words, avoid the truth... But like finally my brain defeat my tongue.
“That something very rare’’ she says with a voice a little extrange, with a tone of voice that I can notice that represent her disbelief of what happen.
“Wha-what you mean?’’ I say again, but, again, like interrupting myself. What happen to me?, is something that I'd like to ask to my conscience. I don't know why since I say that I care about her this conversation turns discomfort to me; and this form of talking, is starting to bother me a lot.
“You babble’’ she conclude, unbelieving again, in her face one could see how incredulous she was about this situation, “Something very rare for “I am so precise when I talk’’ she says while she mimicked me, my voice to be precise.
“I dont’’ I say raising my voice, something very, very rare. And again, I feel my face warm.
“Dont lie to me’’ she says with a voice a little rare, soft, sweet, not calm, but not excited, some attractive. I cannot find a word to describe that. However, something that desperate me is how much uncomfortable I feel right now. She was so close to me, more close than she normally do. I do not know if she realize that, but my red and warm face, especially my cheeks, can reveal how I feel. Especially, the smile that she put, like she want to demonstrate that with her smile and her look can control me, that want to conquer me, like if she want to win something, like she want to reveal that she knows me better than myself. Whatever could it be, she have confidence. I decided, was a playful smile.
“A-Ah’’I don’t know why I can’t talk now, is like my tongue freeze, like all my body freeze, I don’t believe that I can't move my body now; my brain say put her apart or tell her how you fell, but just my body don't respond. I feel like could be, uncomfortable?; no that's not the word that I am searching for; need to be other word, a word that mean something like clumsy and embarrassed. I feel clumsy because I always treat her with respect, we have confidence in each other, but if i say to her that she is put me uncomform now, she would take her like if I don't like her. I know because she never let someone the why of the things; and that my reason of not telling her, made me feel dumb. And embarrassed, for right now, she is so close to me, and I feel rare, like if I want to escape, but something in me, made me feel like I want to stay right there.
Her eyes were intently watching me, something that make me feel very rare. If one time we remember and talk about this moment, probably I never mencion how much stupid I feel right now, I feel lost, I do not know what her action is, I do not know what she's doing, I do not know what I need to do, and it makes me feel like a clumsy and stupid child.
“We-we ca-can change our theme of our conversation. I-I prefer ta-talk about other stuff ’’ I tell her, again, like interrupting myself; I need to admit it, she is right and I am not for the first time, I am babble.
“Of what you want to talk about?’’ she turn back; now not so closer to me, she ask calmy, like always, like she don't care, like she don't see how her acts do to someone. She is always like that, I know. Since I know her when we were just in elementary school, she is rude to all, she hate stereotypes and girls with dress and make up, girls that seems female. She always says that he don't like that things because take away woman independance. And she don't care if people think that she is weird, or she is exaggerating or just that she is rude without any real reason; don't care if people think that is crazy or out of control, she just want to say what she think, even if can hurt someone. And because I am the only one that talk to her, that is always with her, and defend her; always when she do something bad the teachers or the principal call me also, like i was her mom. They want me there to defend her, because when she is mad, she really don't want to talk, and she is stubborn; it's like a trial, the complainant is the people against her that tell the teacher or the principal that she do something bad and I am the lawyer of her. She is always trying to demonstrate that she is independent. But sometimes, only because I am with her, people think that is more like a famous person and I am the bodyguard. But I know that she is not bad, she is like that because she don't have anyone to guide her.
“Do you remember that one day you tell me that you promise yourself that you never want to be marry with a guy because you don’t want that people believe that you depend on him?.’’
She seem surprisingly, her eyes demonstrate it; probably because was 8 years ago. But then she smile, her teeths seems like pearls, so brilliant, that could made someone blind only for seeing it for a second. I smile too, only for thinking in it; was a funny thought, because, always when she smile, I am intently watching her, like I can't turn around and see other stuff; and if she really could made people blind only for see her smiling, I would be blind a long time ago. “Yeah, I remember’’ she says, laughing a little.
“I can ask you another question?’’ I say and she shake her head up to down, telling me yes; her eyes were intently watching me, putting all her attention to me; I think she get that this question was so important to me. “Why always, you suffer a lot, you sometimes cry, I saw you, but you still stand?’’
She see me surprisingly again, but then her face reflect calm and conformity. A new fact of her, she never lie or try to avoid the true. Not with me.
“Really, that’s the question?’’ she saying unbelief “I was thinking that was something else’’ she admit it.
“But you know the answer of it." She said smilinh, but that smile piece for piece starting to disapear "This smile is just fake, empty, without feelings; that just hide the sadness, depression and remorse that I felt and I am going to still feeling all my life.’’ When she say the last part, she just turn away; I know that she want to cry, but I know that also only she do it when something make her remembering, in a symbolic form, not for mentioned it; and I also know that she don’t like that I see her crying so much, and when she does, and I saw her, she feel like she fail.
“Something else’’ I say, and she see me back with the same look again “ When I listen you about talking about your family, that your mother kill herself and your father is drunk everyday, and… The-the thing; you say that you don't need love, that you don't need anyone; but, you always want that I am with you, by your side. “Please explain me. I really don't get it, I really don't understand.’’I was wanted to ask her since the first time that I see her crying, to ask her that question, the question, and finally, I did.
I see for her eyes, that really, this time, a question about her take her for surprise.
“Ah. I-I’’ she babble.
I conclude, that this time, not was like other times, that just a little surprise and then she calm herself and then with all the normality of the word she answer me. Not this time, now she was nervous, that this time she care about what happened to her. I know that she say me the true all the time, but, I now seeing her, I starting to believe that even if you know so, but so much about a person, sometimes things can surprise you.
“The thing is, that, as my smile, this part of my personality, that just don't care about what happen around me, is also fake; I care about my father, I care about my mother, and I care about my sister. I care about how was my life, how I was living, how I was; was starting to falling down, and my heart broke into million of pieces step by step. I care about how the things were getting to bad to worse; that one things was following by other things that would end to destroy how I was and who I was. A little girl, innocent like others, that just want to play and was blind, a little girl that just don't care what happen around because do not understand. A girl that one day need to open the eyes and see the world how really is in a so fast way, see how unfair is the world, see how unhappy is the people, see how people destroy the others, without anyone that could can be by her side’’
“Medi, just stop talk...’’
“Let me finish!’’ she scream, so loud, that seems like the spirit go out to her body. Her tears, were falling off her eyes; but the rare thing, is while she cry, she was smiling, probably a fake smile.
“But, when I know you, a person that is not like the others, a person that is going to be always by your side, supporting you, listen to what you want to say, a person that care about you, a person that want that you be okay. I knew that you were going to be the only person that I can trust. That made me help to forget of the past and be happy in my present. That made me forget that I had to shoot my sister for protect me to be killed by her, or that was I was believing in that moment. That made me forget that my mother then of it killed herself, and my father because the only thing that want is forget consume drugs all the time and treat me like trash. Because as he says, it’s all my fault, I ruin my life and their lives, the lives of the people that supposed need to love me.
“When I see you, I see my sister, Liberi. A person that was always with me, always supporting me, make me laugh, calm me, defend me, listen what I want to say, solace me in the worst moments.’’ She still with a biggest smile; but with the last things that she says, I realize that is not a fake smile, was a real one, she was happy because; even if is not my work always be with her, by her side, if I don't need to, I always there.
“I know what you would thinking, that you realize that this is not a fake smile.’’ She says pointing her mouth. “And my tears, are empty, are not for sadness, are for happiness’’. “And something that I do not believe that you realize yet. I really don't see you as my sister; I choose the wrong words. You are like my sister, treat me similar. But what I really feel.. i-is not the same. I need to admit’’ her last sentence, made me feel like my heart would explode, I think that I could know what she refers to. I do not know if I need to be happy, worried, mad, sad. The only thing that I know is that my conscience and brain always know before me; and I smile.
“With you I feel all the things that I say before. With you by my side, I have strength enough to still continuing in my way; with you by my side, I have someone to trust; with you by my side, I have someone that I going to pray to god for never lose; with you by my side, I have someone that believe in me; with you by my side, I don’t going to be alone; with you by my side, I have someone that is going to worry and care about me; with you by my side, I am going to have a person that clean my tears when I cry; with you by my side, my tears are empty; with you by my side, I can forget my pain; with you by my side, my life have a meaning again; with you by my side, I can love again’’.