Chapter 14: Tobias – Discussion
Anna's office is as small as everything else in this place, with the ceiling I can barely stand under and the walls far too tight around me. I try to keep my eyes focused only on furniture and people, to distract from the claustrophobia, but it still feels like I'm in a coffin buried deep underground.
There are only three chairs in the room, and Amar gestures us toward them before taking up a spot along the wall and leaning comfortably into it. Amar has always had a way of looking at ease wherever he is.
For a long moment, we sit and look at each other, Anna behind the desk and me and Tris facing her. I'm reminded uncomfortably of being across from Jeanine in a small Abnegation office a thousand years ago, except that Anna doesn't look hostile. Her expression is much harder to read than that.
Finally, she laces her hands on the desk in front of her and says, "We've been waiting sixty years for someone to do that."
"You've contained your enthusiasm well," Tris states flatly, and I barely bite back my laugh in time.
Anna smiles a little, but ruefully. "It's a bit...complicated. Our odds of succeeding are suddenly much higher than we could have hoped, and I'm truly glad of that. But at the same time, if I could have picked anyone in the city for this task, it certainly wouldn't have been my granddaughter or Marcus' son."
I do laugh now. "Are you trying to claim you're all worried about us? Because I don't think you even met Tris until a few days ago, and Marcus has never cared about me in his life."
She's silent for a moment. There seems to be genuine sadness in her voice when she answers. "Very well, we'll start there." Her eyes turn to Tris. "There's a reason I never had the chance to know you....
"I had a son who was three years older than your mother. He was Divergent too, before any of us realized how dangerous that was. He chose to remain in Dauntless to be with us, but he never made it through initiation. They claimed it was suicide, as they've claimed about so many others.... My husband wouldn't let it go. He kept pushing and pushing for the truth, and then he turned up dead too."
She pauses, pushing back from the desk and running her hands up her arms as if seeking a comforting touch. "That's when I decided to go into leadership. I thought perhaps I could find out what really happened and hold someone accountable, or at least protect others. Especially my daughter.
"Erudite was experimenting with the aptitude test at the time, and I was able to get an advance copy of it. I used it to pre-test Natalie, and when her results were obviously Divergent, I erased them and let her retry until she could pick any faction she wanted. It left a suspicious trail, though, and I knew she'd never be safe in Dauntless, so I told her to pick any other faction and make sure her test showed it as her aptitude. She chose Abnegation, and then I had to play the role of abandoned Dauntless leader, and she had to act like she had turned her back on me completely. Faction before blood, after all...
"So, no, I never got to meet you or Caleb until now, or your father at all, and I barely saw Natalie after that. It was a steep price to pay, but at least she lived that extra time. She got to raise her children – and she didn't have to see them die like I did. I'd make the same choice again."
For a moment, it's so quiet I can hear the catch in Anna's throat as she breathes and can hear Tris swallowing hard. Finally, Tris asks, "Did she think you were dead? Like everyone else did?"
"No," Anna says emphatically, an expression of revulsion on her face. "I would never have done that to her." But then her eyes flick to Amar, and I suspect she feels her words were too strong. She clears her throat and continues, "I suppose I had an advantage over the others in that regard. After a certain age, you're forced to leave Dauntless anyway, and no one looks closely at where you go. When I left the city, everyone just assumed I had joined the factionless. And that in turn allowed me to sneak back in easily whenever we needed."
Tris nods, clearly believing the explanation. I do too, for that matter. There would be no benefit to faking your death when it's so easy not to. It makes me wonder again why my mother really faked hers. She's given multiple explanations, but none of them ring true.
The silence stretches on, and I look back at Anna to find that she's looking at me, her mouth set in an unpleasant line. She sounds wary as she says, "I won't claim to know the extent of the bad feelings between you and Marcus. I've heard bits in the last year, between Jeanine's articles and what came out of Candor, but I've heard too many false rumors in my life to trust third-hand information. What I primarily know of you both is from my interaction with Marcus as a fellow leader – inside the city and here." She pauses and then adds, "For what it's worth, I've always heard him speak of you proudly."
The statement floors me. I know Marcus puts on a good act as a caring father; it's how he convinces everyone that I'm the liar and he's the innocent victim. But I've always seen him do it by presenting me as damaged, as someone with deep problems who needs extra guidance and patience. I can't even imagine him acting proud of me.
The silence stretches, but I have no words to respond, and Anna seems to be waiting. After a long time, Amar answers for me. "I'm going to go with Four on this one, speaking as the person who ran his simulations." He and Anna stare at each other, and her mouth turns down in a sour expression as she finally nods in agreement. My stomach twists at the reminder that Amar knows my deepest fears, but I try to tell myself it's better if Anna knows the truth. Someone in her position shouldn't trust Marcus.
We sit in awkward silence for another moment, and then Tris clears her throat and asks, "What exactly do you need us to do?"
Anna seems glad of the question. "What I told you at the group meeting is true," she begins, "but not complete. You're right that this group has been adding Suggestibility Serum to the city's water since the beginning. There were two goals in doing that. The first was to develop a large population of people who are resistant to the serum, in order to have an army who can fight if needed. The second was to come up with someone who can manipulate the Control Computer at a whole new level.
"You see, the NUSA government relies on repetition to get their message across. They transmit the same type of information every day, and they reinforce it through schools, through televised broadcasts, through interviews with people in government, and through thousands of subtle messages that everyone is exposed to all the time.
"It's not easy to counter that. Even if we managed to take over the government, the people would revolt against us, because they're brainwashed to think their current government is perfect. We'd have to send a new message to them every day for years, or even decades, before we could get them to think differently, and obviously we'd never get the chance to do that.
"No, what we need is to send such a strong message that it changes what people think in one fell swoop. That's something no one has ever been able to do before, so the government doesn't have good defenses against it. But it's something my mother and the others who founded the city thought about a lot.
"They recognized that we all listen to some people more than to others – to natural leaders and people with a very strong will. And the serum enhances those pathways through the brain, making us listen to those people even more. They also realized that some people can work the Control Computer better than others; it took some time for them to figure out what traits affected that, but once they got the hang of it, they knew it was theoretically possible to...breed...someone who was extraordinarily persuasive and who could work the Control Computer particularly well. They built the city around developing that combination. It took four generations, but here you are right when we need you most."
She stops, and it's clear from her expression that she doesn't expect us to react well. But I'm not particularly shocked. It was always obvious to me that the faction system limited our choices, including the choice of who to marry, and it's not like I've ever thought highly of people in general. Hearing that we were in a breeding program doesn't change much for me.
Tris, on the other hand, looks considerably angrier. "You manipulated everything about our lives for generations, so tell me – just how are you any different from the people you're trying to stop?"
Anna sighs. "I understand your anger. I felt the same way when the rebels first recruited me. Keep in mind that I'd been in the city my entire life – which was a lot longer than yours so far – and it was all I knew, so of course I was furious at the deception. But I've seen what life is like out there, and there's a big difference.
"They have millions of people living in virtual slavery, deprived of basic choices and unable even to think freely. They live in poverty, serving the few thousand people who run everything. And there's almost no escape. As best we can tell, about three percent of the population is naturally resistant to the serum, but the vast majority of them are killed before they can make their way to one of our camps. We get a handful of people a year, and the rest die."
For a moment, she closes her eyes. "When you see the reality out there, you'll understand. It is far worse than the lies in Chicago – far worse. And we have just one more chance to stop it..."
"One...more?" I ask. "So, you have tried before?"
This time, Amar answers. "Of course. They didn't just sit around waiting for sixty years." He grins. "They worked with the other rebel groups to try anything and everything they could come up with, but with no success. So, now we're down to the last try. Personally, I find it kind of fitting that it's the one our founders planned all along."
I mull that for a moment and then ask, "Is the plan to get us to the government's Control Computer or to try to hack into the connection they use and broadcast a message from somewhere else?"
Amar answers again. "We'll have to get to their computer. We've tried the hacking route ad nauseam, with a stunning lack of success. The government is just too alert to that risk."
I nod. "Do you know where the computer is?"
"Not with a hundred percent certainty," Anna says. "But we have information we feel is reliable that should get us close. We'll have to find it from there."
"Roughly where is it?" Tris asks.
Anna responds, "Over seven hundred miles away, in a huge city called Philadelphia. I'm not going to kid you – it will be a long, dangerous trip, and it will get more dangerous the closer we get. Particularly since the government will be expecting us to do something as they close in on Chicago."
Amar chips in, "But we don't think they're expecting this particular attack. It's too different from what we've done before. Plus, they've never seen anyone like you." He smiles. "And I doubt they've imagined the idea you could exist. Our thought is to use multiple groups to attack simultaneously in ways they expect, and then try to sneak you safely in between those."
I find myself nodding in agreement. It's a reasonable plan, or at least the start of one, and I'm tempted to say that. But then I remember agreeing to work with the factionless without talking to Tris privately first. She had legitimate objections, if I'd taken the time to listen....
"Okay," I state, "but right now, it's late, and I'm hungry. Give us some time to discuss it, and we'll talk more tomorrow."
"Of course," Anna answers immediately. "But please don't mention any details to the others. Very few people know just what we're planning, and the mission will be far safer if we can keep it that way."
"Can we talk with our friends?" Tris asks tightly. She doesn't like being told to keep secrets.
"The ones who are going with you will need some details," Anna answers. "But keep in mind that they're not as resistant as you are. If they know too much and they're captured...."
I don't let her finish the sentence. We all know where that thought leads. "Fair enough," I say firmly. "We'll exercise discretion."
"Good," Anna says. "Now, let's get you some food." Smiling a little, she adds, "I'm afraid we don't have hamburgers or Dauntless cake, but we can find something."
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There's no one left in the cafeteria by the time we get there, so we sit together at a table and eat canned food. It's unappealing, but by now I'm starving, so I wolf it down anyway. This room seems to be the largest in the bomb shelter, but it still feels stifling. I can't let go of the feeling that the ceiling will collapse on us at any moment.
Amar keeps watching me, and I know he realizes how much the tight space bothers me. I hate having people know my fears, but I try to remind myself that I know Tris' and Christina's and Uriah's the same way Amar knows mine. It's the nature of being a Dauntless instructor.
After we finish eating, Amar walks us down a hallway. He places a hand on my shoulder and says quietly, "All the rooms are small, but you can pick between the dorm and a private room. The dorm is bigger but filled with bunk beds, so there's not much visible space there."
For a second, I close my eyes, trying to will away the sense of everything pressing into me. My honest choice would be to get out of this bomb shelter entirely, as fast as possible, but that's not an option. And if I have to choose between being crammed in a room with other people – possibly Peter and Caleb among them – or being alone with Tris, that's an easy choice.
"We'll take the private room," I say. Amar nods and leads us further up the hallway.
I almost regret the decision when we walk into the room. It essentially consists of a bed, with inches of walking room around it in a space that's probably only five feet by seven. I try not to shiver.
It's all I can do to kick my shoes off and sit on the end of the bed. I face toward the longest direction, trying to fool myself into thinking the room is bigger than it is, but of course it doesn't work.
Tris climbs onto the bed, sitting cross-legged in front of me, and takes my hand in hers. "You're not going to get any sleep at all, are you?" she asks.
"I don't see how." I can hear the tension in my voice.
She thinks about that and then speaks in the teasing voice she uses sometimes. "It sure seems like it should be easier to avoid your fears than this, given how few of them you have."
A strangled laugh comes out of me. "It has been quite the day, hasn't it? Climbing between buildings and talking about Marcus while planning a mission that endangers you...while trapped inside a tiny space.... I actually tried to wake myself up earlier, in case this was really all a simulation."
She smiles. "Didn't work, huh?"
I gesture at the walls with my free hand. "Apparently, I've moved into my fear landscape." But my eyes focus on her, and I add, "At least you're here. So, how bad can it be?"
"Well," she says softly, "if we really were in your fear landscape, I'd tell you to breathe with me." She takes the hand she's holding and presses it over her heart, adding, "and to feel my heartbeat." Her pulse travels through my palm, and my own matches it. I remember back to the day I showed her my fear landscape, before it changed – before she was in it. I try to push away other thoughts and focus on that day, on how it felt to wrap my arms around her and hold her close in such a forbidden way.
"That was the first time I realized you liked me," I say, running a strand of her hair between my fingers and looking into those eyes I love so much. "When your heart was racing and you said it had nothing to do with the box." The beginning of a smile tugs at my mouth.
"Yes, well, I think I enjoyed that moment a lot more than you did," she says with a little laugh.
"I was terrified," I admit, "and not just because of the box. But part of me definitely enjoyed it too." My fingers caress her cheek and begin tracing her jawline gently, trailing down her neck. "That's the only time I ever overcame that obstacle by feeling happy." I remember the joy I felt when I knew she was lying about why her heart was racing, when I suddenly felt certain that she liked me. As it did that day, the feeling makes the walls start to draw apart.
I lean forward and kiss her slowly. "This is what I really wanted to do then," I murmur, my lips still on hers. "Actually, for a long time before that."
"I would have been fine with that," she says a bit breathlessly.
"Really? So, when I stood behind you on the Ferris wheel, it would have been okay to do this?" And I kiss the corner of her jaw, and along her ear, and down her neck. She sighs with pleasure.
My fingers slide down her spine and splay across her lower back as I kiss her again, pressing her gently back onto the bed. "And in the training room, when I told you to keep tension here, I could have done this?" I slip my other hand under her shirt, pressing it to her bare stomach. Her breath catches.
I've almost forgotten the walls now. "Because I liked you for a very long time, you know," I whisper as I pull her shirt up and work it off her, my lips finding each of the birds tattooed on her collarbone. I don't know how she always manages to smell so incredible.
Her voice is husky as she says, "I liked you for a long time, too. From the beginning, really. I just...assumed you wouldn't be interested."
The words bother me, as it always bothers me when she doubts herself. I pull back enough to look into her eyes again and say, "I wish you could see yourself more accurately. If you saw through my eyes, you'd know how amazing you are." I kiss her on the forehead and the tip of her nose and her lips. "Smart, and brave, and gorgeous, and...perfect."
She laughs. "You're the only one who sees me that way."
"I most definitely am not. I've seen the way other people look at you...." I almost start naming them, but then I realize that most of them are dead, and it seems better not to go there. Instead, I add, "But I love that you only look back at me that way." Her smile deepens.
I press my lips to her neck again and then move them slowly down her body as my fingers wander where they will. "You know, there's a reason I stare at you so much." I kiss right between her breasts. "And why I've never been able to keep my hands off you." My palms shape themselves to her hips. "And I guarantee you that no one else makes me feel this way." My breathing is harder now and I'm not even aware of the walls anymore. I'm thinking about last night and how it felt to be with Tris like that.
"Well, that's good," she murmurs. "Because you're the only one I want this way."
My fingers find the button on her pants at the same time her hands slide under my shirt, and then we're undressing each other slowly, savoring every movement of skin against skin. I wonder how it will compare with the last time, filled with closeness and indescribable new sensations but also with some pain and awkwardness. But as it turns out, it's not very much like that.
It's far better.