I had always disliked my math class. Alphabetical order, snarky class clowns sprinkled across the room just close enough to cause trouble at a moments notice; the annoying kid who sat in front of me who just couldn't seem to get a clue.
"How come you never put my calculator back for me at the end of class? I put yours back that one time," annoying kid asked. Yeah, he was definitely one of the reasons.
"I never asked you to do that, you took it while I wasn't paying attention," I said. His carp fish lips pulled into an amused smile.
"Am I getting on your nerves?"
"Yes, so if you could pay attention to the lesson so I don't have to explain it to you later that'd be great."
He chuckled and turned back in his seat. I felt the pressure of anger well up inside me and I let out a heavy sigh. Nothing I did or said to this kid would ever get him to stop. I usually don't give into his annoying ploys to aggravate me, but for some reason today, I felt on edge.
There was a feeling inside me, something that was on the tip of my tongue that I just couldn't taste. It was almost... like a void.
"And now before I pass out the worksheet today, which I might add I'm giving you the whole weekend to do," Mrs. Colby said from the front of the room, "I would like to tell you that your partnered projects have been graded and are in the system." Anger threw a punch inside my chest.
"Finally, it's been like a month since we turned those in," a girl behind me said to her friend beside her.
"Only took one Christmas break and then some," The friend said before they laughed softly.
Mrs. Colby talked while she handed out the worksheets, licking her finger every few pages to pass down the rows. I couldn't help but frown in disgust. Annoying kid passed me mine and I set my mind to solving equations. Exponents, combining like terms, everything that had my mind off of everyone around me and just on the work.
As I neared the last few problems the bell rang. Without a care about organization I slipped the worksheet and my notes into my backpack and zipped it up. I stood and pulled my backpack over my shoulder, grabbing my calculator and putting it back in its plastic case when another got shoved into my field of vision. I looked up to see annoying kids face, a playfully disgusting smile on his lips.
"Fuck off Deacon," I said as I walked away and tossed my calculator into the basket before walking out.
_____
"You really told him to fuck off?" my friend Josh asked. I nodded with a smile as we walked into the noisy school parking lot.
"Yeah, maybe I should have said a lot more, but knowing him he'd either throw a punch or make math class more of a hell than it already is."
"You could always just drop out of school like that dude Mark did," he said. I chuckled and stopped as a car drove past.
"At least I won't be leaving a two hundred point project for someone else to complete and fail on."
We walked again and music blared from a persons car. "Was the grade really that bad?" I looked at his face and noticed how the tip of his nose was red from the cold.
I looked away when his dark blue eyes met mine.
"It's only a c, but that'll bring my grade down more than it'll help it. "
"Sorry about that man. If only your partner could have waited just a bit longer."
"Yeah," was all I said in response. We neared his tan truck and we stopped walking.
"Hey, do you remember that promise you made me a while back?"
"To never eat ketchup by itself in your presence again?" I asked. He laughed and then messed with this short blonde hair.
"Come on man, you know what I'm talking about. The double date?" My smile dropped and I groaned.
"That was forever ago," I said.
"It was only a few weeks, and it only took so long because Kathy got the flu!"
"Eh, I don't know I'm just not really up for it." He snaked his arm over my shoulder and pulled me into his side.
"Lighten up Liam, I'm doing this for you. You've been off since your accident, and I know all you really need is some sweet sweet lovin' to get you back on your feet." I laughed and pushed him off.
"I have not been off," I scoffed.
"We barely talked after it, and not once did we hang out. I left you flowers in the hospital dude!"
"Again, thank you."
"You know what I think is happening?"
"What detective Moore?" I asked as I hugged myself against the cold.
"You're putting on a face. There's no way you can go acting like you did and then all of the sudden everything is alright."
"Everything is alright," I said.
"If it is then come have dinner with me and some beautiful ladies and enjoy life! It's January; new year new us!"
"I do enjoy life," I said.
"I didn't notice between not going out with your friends and staying at home to watch TV all day."
"I went to that movie with you and the group right before school started up again."
He shook his head and crossed his arms. "It's not good enough," he said. He put his hands together and made a begging expression.
"Ugh fine, but the restaurant better be good," I gave in.
"Yes! I know just the place. Pick you up tonight at seven?"
"Only if you promise to pick me up before them," I said, already walking away from his truck.
"Will do. Say hi to Trish for me," he said. I waved lazily while still facing away and towards the car. Trish was already waiting inside, typing away at her phone as I opened the door.
"Hurry and close the door, I just got it warm in here," she said. I climbed in and shut the door, the heat blasting and burning away the frigid cold. She finished her message and put her phone down. "DJ for me, I don't feel like looking for a song."
"Yes Ma'am," I said. I picked up and scrolled through her music while she backed out. I finally decided on chandelier by Sia and put the phone down. She immediately began singing, our car joining the queue looking to exit the parking lot.
"You have any plans tonight?" I asked. She blew a raspberry and inched the car forward.
"So far not much, maybe I'll invite Sabrina over. Why, whats up?"
"Nothing, just curious," I said. Her eyes glanced at my face and a smile broke out.
I shot a confused expression her way. "What?"
She chuckled and pulled a few feet up before stopping behind the white truck in front of us. "What plans with Josh are you trying to get out of now?"
"Ugh," I threw my head back against the head rest, "a double date I agreed to when I was young and stupid."
"What's wrong with a double date? Is your date awful?" she asked. I shrugged and put my head straight, looking as other students took advantage of the slow line and crossed in front of us.
"That's the thing, I don't know."
The line moved and we neared the exit, Trish hitting the left blinker. "She could be the most amazing girl you ever met."
"Doubtful," I said looking out the window as people stopped to chat before getting into their cars. "and its not like its even about that, I just... don't feel like going out."
I heard her sigh and I turned to look at her. "What, Trish? What did I say?"
She shook her head and dropped her hands from the wheel, the line stopped so that cars from the main road could pass by.
"I just don't get it. You have never felt more distant than you have since you flipped my car, which I get can be traumatizing, but at the same time doesn't make sense. You should be afraid of cars or something, not the people in your life. What happened? I feel like I'm missing pieces."
Her eyes tried to meet mine, but I couldn't hold the intensity of her inquisitive gaze and moved my sight to the teacher beckoning cars to go as he held a hand up to our lane.
"Honestly?" I asked.
"Of course," she said. A pressure weighted down on my shoulder as her hand touched me; begging for answers in exchange for comfort. I forced my gaze to her and a nothingness resonated inside of me.
"It wasn't the crash that made me feel like this, its something else. Something that I can't obtain. Even now I know I should be feeling something, but it's blocked."
She paused.
"I don't understand, what are you trying to say?" she asked softly. I shrugged.
"It's like you said, missing pieces. But they're not lost, just misplaced on the board. Hiding under a pile of others that look just like it."
She chuckled nervously, a quick smile there and then gone again. "I-I don't know what that means." My shoulder was relieved of her touch as she planted her hands on the wheel, the man now beckoning us to go.
"You asked, I explained." A group of people laughed loudly as they walked past us.
"So what? Is that some way of saying you're depressed?" The truck in front of us disappeared as it turned right.
"If that's what you think it is, I really don't know," I said as we turned left, " I know sadness, Trish. I know the feeling of grief and absence." I turned to look at her. "We both do."
She didn't say anything as we drove slowly.
"I try to remember certain things about my accident and nothing seems clear. There's a wall of fuzzy memory for a little bit, but then it's clear from a day I wake up and everything is memorable and just like its supposed to be. Doesn't that seem weird to you? Does it make any sense?"
We neared the end of the street and we stopped at a stop sign.
"No, not really," she said flatly. "But," she checked the intersecting roads before moving the car forward, "If you're feeling this way, there's got to be a reason."
"There usually is, but where this is coming from... I don't know." I sighed and leaned back into my seat, crossing my arms.
"If it gets worse, you'll tell me right?" she asked. She risked a longer glance than usual from the road and looked at me.
"Yeah," I mumbled.
"You better, Liam. I can't have my annoying little brother crap out on me now after all we've survived through together," she said as her hand reached over and pinched my arm.
I hit it away and let out a chuckle. "Okay okay I get it. Now take your hand back before we get into it with a parked car, our insurance can only cover so much."
"I guess I'll keep it from falling apart so you can use it tonight."
I peered at an older woman walking a brown Pomeranian. "Josh is actually going to take me. Besides, I'm sure Dad doesn't want me behind the wheel of another vehicle for as long as I live."
"What? Riding in the same car for a double date? I'm imaging two separate make outs in the one row seats and I'm honestly weirded out that you would want to do that."
"I don't think I'll be making out with anyone since I'm not going."
"Oh come on, Liam! Just go and be with your friend and a couple of cute girls. At the very best you'll walk away having had some fun."
I rolled my eyes and turned up the music, the song now played by some alternative rock band. She reached for the volume and turned it back down.
"Don't use my own playlist against me when I'm trying to talk you into being a social human being."
"Not interested," I said, roughly turning the volume knob and the music practically blasting. She hit the knob and the music stopped altogether.
"What are even the plans? Movie? Bowling?" she asked.
"Some dinner at some restaurant somewhere across town."
"Then go for the food at least. Hell, just order food, eat your meal, and then leave!"
"That would be more rude than me not going," I said frustratedly.
"Not if you bring me leftovers," she said. I looked at her, a smirk on her lips and her eyebrows raised. I couldn't help but smile.
"You're terrible," I laughed. She shrugged with a soft laugh and reached for the volume.
"I'm always a whore for free food," she joked as she turned up the music. "Now let me enjoy my music for real this time."
I rolled my eyes as she pressed the skip button until she reached her favorite song.
"There's nothing else we could possibly listen to?" I asked. She shook her head.
"Nope, Fergalicious is me and I'm... Fergalicious definition make them boys go locooooooo," she sang.
"Jesus," I grumbled.
"Deal with it little bro, my car my songs."
"I never thought I'd say that I miss riding the school bus," I fake whined. She turned the music up louder to drown out my complaints. It worked as I felt like keeping to myself anyways. We pulled up to the house one Beyonce song later and I gladly escaped the confines of her torture and embraced the comfort of my sunlight bedroom. I threw down my backpack and jacket before plopping down belly first on my unmade bed, then pushing each shoe off with a foot lazily. I retrieved my phone from my back pocket and rested my head on my arm as I turned it on.
I scrolled through feeds and liked posts, soon losing interest as my eyes got heavy and paragraphs were too complex to comprehend. I yawned and checked the time. Three o'clock.
"I've got four hours... I'll just wake up at six thirty," I told myself. I quickly set a timer on my phone and clicked it off before tossing it aside and turning on to my back. While I yawned again I unbuckled my pants and kicked them off. I reached to my right and grabbed my comforter.
I covered myself and let my eyes close shut, a sigh of comfort leaving me. The sounds of Trish walking around the house became white noise, and soon white noise became no noise.
Trish. Laughter. Heat blowing into my face as we combat the winter chill on the way to school. Her hand touches my arm and I grab it. The hot air condenses into warm liquid that trickles down my face.
"I miss her so much," I say as we stand at the locked gate.
"We can come back tomorrow," she says.
"But she needs me now," I whisper at the dimly lit cemetery.
"Tomorrow Liam," she scolds. I let go of her hand and grab the rusted white bars.
"Please Mama, come back!"
"Liam," her voice cracks. Her hands drop softly on my shoulders and I let my head fall against the cold metal. My body shakes with sobs as I let her pull me away. "It's time to go home." I look up at her face, her touch gone as I see her at a distance.
She's terrified, a look of horror in her eyes as I cough in pain.
"I'll fucking kill you," I growl. My tears turn heavier and hit the ground in large red puddles, running out as cold seeps in.
"No witnesses," a sinister voice whispers.
"Its going to be okay, just hold on, Liam."
"No, Mark..."
My eyes opened to my dimly lit ceiling. I looked around, feelings of dread and sadness ebbing away.
"Mark?" I asked myself aloud, confused. I sat up and wiped at my eyes, stopping in shock and pulling my hands away wet.
I jumped when my phone played my alarm sound loudly and I quickly shuffled through my blankets to find it. I grabbed my phone and grimaced at the bright light that assaulted my eyes. I silenced the alarm and tossed my phone aside, groaning then wiping the rest of the moisture from my eyes. I pushed my blanket off of me and made my way to the shower.
Uneasiness and confusion kept me anchored to the hot water, my mind tumbling and tripping on itself to find answers. My dreams were already forgotten, but what kept me stumped was the emotional turmoil that remained. And the most confusing factor of all?
"Mark," I whispered to myself, tendrils of water trickling down my limbs and silencing me as they hit the tub. I let out a deep breath and leaned my head back into the water. Why would he be attached to a dream that had me crying? Maybe he just happened to be there? I tried to remember the dream, but I was hit with a mental wall. Great, I thought to myself, we're back to this.
I faced the faucet and leaned down to turn off the water. With a squeak from the knobs the water stopped flowing and I stood, pushing the shower curtain back and stepping out. I took a white towel from the rack above the toilet and dried my body and hair before wrapping it around my waist. I moved towards the counter and grabbed my deodorant and applied it, the perfumed smell strong. Wiping the steam off the mirror and being satisfied with my wet reflection I exited the bathroom and got dressed. Faded blue jeans, t-shirt, solid grey hoodie, boots, and a few squirts of cologne and I was ready. I grabbed my phone from the bed and my wallet from the jeans I slipped off earlier and I was out the door. Coming down the stairs I could hear a sports announcer from the living room.
I headed towards the couch, my father's head visible. I rested my arms against the back of the couch and whistled as a football player got tackled.
"You missed most of the game," Dad said not looking away from the screen.
"Sorry, I was busy with lots of homework and studying, you know how it is," I said. He chuckled and turned his head towards me.
"Psychology have you studying your dreams or something?" he asked. I grinned sheepishly and looked at the players on the screen.
"Yep, it requires me to sleep heavily in order to get the right data," I joked.
With a smile he turned back to the screen. "You headed somewhere?"
"Yeah," I said standing up straight, "Josh and I are going to a restaurant across town."
"Will there be girls there?" he asked. I ran my fingers through my damp hair and sighed.
"There might be, why do you ask?"
He let out a snort and looked at me. "You're a teenage boy, wherever you go there's bound to be a girl looking to ruin your life."
"Oh not this again," I groaned. He held up his hands in defense.
"I'm just saying son, all it takes is one mistake and you've got a responsibility to a baby that you shouldn't have to care for so young."
"Dad, I'm not stupid," I said.
"You don't have to be stupid, just eager and careless. So if you get to a point with a girl where you want to take that next step then--" he was interrupted as a knock pounded at the door.
"Sorry Dad," I said as I bounded towards at my escape, "looks like I have to go during this totally important and not gross conversation."
"Don't be silly," he said as I opened the door to Josh and practically bumped into him in order to leave, "wrap your willy!" I closed the door as quickly as I could.
"Did he just say what I think he just said?" Josh asked with an awkward smile. I sighed and walked past him to his truck.
"Can't keep them waiting," I said. I heard him speed up behind me until he was next to me and put an arm around my neck.
"Tonight is the night that our dreams come true, my friend."
"I don't even know this other girl," I said.
He pulled me into him and hooted loudly into the shaded sky. "Do you feel the luck in the air?! I'm destined to have a wonderful time with the lovely Kathy tonight and you with her friend."
I rolled my eyes as he continued to squish me. "If you like her so much you should have just gone a date with her alone."
"And have you miss out on this spectacular evening? It's like you don't even know me. Now," he said as he released me, "it turns out we're actually meeting them there, so we need to be there before them so when they get there it looks like we've been waiting for a while. Got it Mr. Lonely?"
"Yeah yeah," I rounded the front of his truck to the passenger side, "seem like we've been there waiting forever so that they seem like," I opened the door and climbed in "terrible dates for taking so long," I said. We shut our doors and he scoffed.
"It's not going to seem like that," he said. He put the keys in the ignition but didn't turn them. "Wait, will it really?" he turned to me and I chuckled.
"Don't worry about it, we can get there a little but not too early."
"Just enough to order drinks?" he asked.
"Sure," I said, buckling my seatbelt, "now c'mon, if we get there too early we can wait in the car."
He turned the key and then buckled himself. "Good, can't make them seem like that."
"Nope," I agreed; amused.
He shifted gears and began backing out. "Kathy could never be a bad date anyways..." he mumbled under his breath. I laughed lightly and looked out the window at the street lit scenery.
If only I could feel the luck in the air.