Nineteen
It was something of an oddity standing before a mirror and not being able to recognize the person staring back at me. One of those moments that you read in fairytales of princesses and the lucky girls who get to become them. But I wasn't a princess, and if my life was any evidence, I was far from lucky.
The gown spilled around me in a rippling sea of dark crimson, gold diamonds encrusted on the bottom in the pattern of intricate swirls and arches left to shimmer and sparkle in the candlelight. Mrs. Potter, ever the motherly figure, had lathered me in shampoos and helped to clean myself up. My hair was left to tumble over my bare shoulders and down my back in thick, dark curls that grazed the small of my back. Back in Kinnot, looking like a girl never truly came up on my list of priorities. It wasn't on any list. The only things that mattered were my brothers and how we would make it to the next day. Maybe Bromm had been right. Perhaps I did need a life.
The great grandfather clock chimed, nine thunderous echoes bouncing off the walls of my room. Beast's room, I reminded myself. Not mine. Time had been all too eager to pass and skip to the main event, a part two I was excited and terrified to find out. My pulse raced a bit faster just beneath my skin.
A pair of solid gold heels sat in front of the door, waiting for their share of attention. I hesitated at the threshold. Unsurprisingly, I'd never worn heels— ever. I never cared about fashion; I only made sure that my feet wouldn't freeze and break off. How I would manage to walk in them and not fall flat on my face made my throat tighten.
A knock sounded at the door, making my heart flip inside its cage. I snatched up the shoes and jammed my feet into them, sighing at the comfort and size. Lumea truly was brilliant.
"It's nine o'clock," Hendric's voice boomed on the other side. "Are you ready in there?"
I paused, feeling my heartbeat thrum in my temples. I slid my feet along the floor. "Don't laugh, okay?"
"Okay."
"Promise?"
He chuckled. "Pinky."
I sucked in a breath and opened the door.
His shoulders turned to face me, brown eyes widening and his goofy smile faltering into a stunned look. "Ada, you..." A short burst of breath escaped him.
My cheeks burned. I lifted my foot and edged toward him. My ankle gave out almost immediately. I toppled forward, tripping on the cloth of my dress and falling faster. His hands clamped down on my arms and wrenched me upright inches before I met the ground. I dusted myself off and stood straight. "I'm good, I'm good."
He smiled. He held out his arm for me to take. He waited for me to steady myself before he spoke. His footsteps kissed the stone floors with gentle whispers; meanwhile, mine sounded like someone bashing a hammer against glass with every footfall. I caught him hiding his snorts and dug my elbow into his side.
"So," he drawled, "how was your day with Lumea?"
I smiled. "Dazzling is the word I would use, I guess. It's the first time I've seen so many people in one place. There's so much to do here and nobody looks at you like they're wishing for your name to be drawn as a sacrifice." I shuddered. "They're happy."
I caught him nod. "Can you believe that we're actually here? All those years of listening to Papa go on and on about this place and now— here we are. The scavenging for money, the hunts at the crack of dawn just to sell the furs— all of it, Ada. And now we're here." He blew out a breath of disbelief. "We got out of there."
I kept quiet, but his words sparked something inside me, a new realization that had never dawned on me until this moment. All throughout our entire childhoods, Papa had praised the city for all its glory and fortune, even though he'd never seen it himself. He'd filled our heads with senseless dreams of a place where we didn't have to cower from the shadows and isolate ourselves from the other villagers. Mama had never believed any of it. She doubted there even was a city over the mountains, but here we were, standing in one of the biggest homes in the city, dressed like kings and queens— alive.
I did it, I thought in utter astonishment. I kept my promise.
We arrived at the tall doors of the ballroom. Hendric pushed them open before I could reconsider turning back. Music instantly flooded my ears, light gleaming off the extravagant crystal chandeliers. Strands of blue and gold flowers wrapped around each of the marble columns throughout the room that glistened with beams of red and white, the floor rippling in the refracted light like a bed of gold. Stars shimmered over our heads, the moon smiling down at us through the glass of the atrium. I gasped in awe. An orchestra stood in the far left of the ballroom, raised on a small dais with thin curtains of sparkling white clouding them. The men and women playing paused their music and glanced at the two of us entering, taking to their knees in gentle bows. Hendric and I acknowledged them in return.
"Ada!" a tiny voice cried. I turned.
Kenji loped toward us dressed in a suit of his very own. His jacket was of dark blue wool with silver embellishments on the front that twined in wisps of fleurs and spirals. He flashed us a toothy grin, his cheeks swollen with laughter. "You look funny in a dress," he said with a giggle. Hendric snickered beside me. I gave him another sharp jab.
"She looks beautiful."
We jumped at the sound of the voice behind us. Lumea's sparkling heels clicked on the ground as she floated toward us. Her dress of pure midnight blue forced my jaw to the floor in awe. The hem sparkled with white dust that reminded me of a fresh blanket of snow on a dark night. Her white hair streamed down her shoulders in wavy tresses, half parted and braided on the side of her face. A small gasp brushed my ears. I glanced at Hendric beside me and watched his jaw slowly fall. The way he watched her made my breath hitch.
She stopped just short of us, her ruby red lips parting into a grand smile. She took my hand in hers and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "You look amazing."
"So do you," I croaked, clearing my throat to find my voice. "Lumea, this is beautiful." I turned in circle to take in the rest of the room. The ballroom was a quaint size, much smaller than one the in the other palace, but it was still breathtaking. "You didn't have to do all of this."
Hendric laughed. "We know."
Kenji giggled. "It's your birthday, Ada. We love you." He slipped his hand in to mine. "You kept your promise."
Hendric stepped toward me, taking Kenji's hand in his. "You kept us safe. And that's more than we could ever ask." He moved closer. I felt Kenji slide away and saw him stand next to Lumea. Hendric took my hands in his. "As your big brother, I think I reserve the right to the first dance." He didn't give me time to protest. He lifted my hand and guided me out onto the floor. I stumbled after him, my feet crying in uncertainty in the heels. The orchestra switched to a new song, a gentle tune that brought a fresh wave of tears to my eyes. His eyes glistened just as mine did. "You have no idea how much I missed you."
I released a shaky laugh. "I think I do."
He smirked. "I planned to go up there, you know. I was going to go up there and demand that you come back with us. I didn't care if they stopped giving me medicine or that they were being nice. They had my baby sister up there all alone and I had no idea what they were doing to you." His hand tightened around mine. "I was so scared that they— that he was torturing you or... touching you."
My feet froze in place. His toes crunched down on mine. I jumped with a startled yelp, my cheeks turning a bright red. He murmured a quick apology, oblivious to the minor heart attack he'd almost given me. Memories of Beast's touch still burned along my skin, how he'd held me in the storm last night and this morning in the carriage. I shook my head to clear away the thoughts. "He's not so bad. Not anymore, at least."
His face fell into a blank look of confusion. "What does that mean?"
I shrugged. "He's actually kind of... sweet in a way." His face screwed tightly in disgust. "I know, it's crazy. But think about it. The last time I saw you, you were coughing up blood and could barely stay awake. You were so sick and now look at you. You're dancing instead of dying. Look at what's he done for you, Hendric."
I regretted the words as soon as they left my mouth. His face contorted in anger. He dropped my hand as if it were on fire. "That monster has done nothing but keep you prisoner and you're defending him?" He scoffed. "I wonder what else he's done for my sister."
I glared at him. "How about feed me, clothe me, protect me. He saved my life, Hendric. Doesn't that count for anything?" I took a step back. "You know, for someone who put so much effort into making sure this was a happy birthday, you're starting to ruin it." I gathered up my dress and spun on my heel, careful not to move too quickly in my retreat.
Fingers latched around my arm. "Ada, wait—" But I wrenched myself out of his grip.
Lumea's blue eyes appeared in front of me before I could take another step, her hands extended as she pleaded me to stay. She opened her mouth. The music abruptly stopped and a shiver ran down my spine at the familiar feeling of a certain pair of eyes on me. I turned toward the doors, expecting to find his silver gaze burning into me, but they were still both closed.
A throat cleared behind me.
I stiffened. Lumea backed away, her arms tightly locked around my brother as she retreated, leaving me alone in the middle of the room. Forcing myself to swallow and ignore the chills that erupted on my skin, I urged my frozen feet to face him. My eyes were instantly entranced on his suit— solid black with gold embroidery on the cuffs and lapels, the buttons reflecting the light from the chandeliers. A red daylily swept from his pocket, the gold stars of the petals matching his suit perfectly. My mouth dried. I lifted my gaze.
I never thought that it was possible to see the harsh strength of iron melt into something so soft, but his eyes did just that as he watched me. They were brighter tonight than I'd ever seen them and it made my pulse race and my blood rush in my ears, blocking out the slow tempo of the music as it picked up again. His pink lips curved into a calm smile.
For several long, anxiety-ridden minutes, neither of us spoke. Our eyes pored over each other, mine committing the sharp angles and planes of his face to memory, counting every eyelash and losing track when he moved closer and starting all over again. I couldn't get enough of him. The storm of emotions swirling inside my body both excited and terrified me. I didn't want to feel this way about him— about anyone, for that matter— but here I was, my resolve crumbling at the sight of him. And it appeared that his was doing the same.
Finally, I found my voice and took a step back. "Hi," I whispered quietly. Silence drifted between us and I feared he hadn't heard me over the music. I opened my mouth to speak again.
He cut me off with a grin. "Hi," he said softly, his voice filled with light laughter. But he didn't say anything more. Instead, he extended his hand out to me. My entire body had dissolved into a fit of tremors. I hesitantly slipped my hand in his, my feelings of unease washing away at his touch. His fingers wrapped around mine, tugging me farther out into the center of the ballroom. His arm moved around my waist, gently pulling me closer until our bodies pressed together. He guided us into the first step of a dance.
I froze in place. "I— I don't know how," I mumbled impishly.
His smile only grew. "Then it's a good thing I'm an excellent teacher." He pulled me impossibly closer, pressing me tighter against him in a way that made my breath catch. Setting me down on his toes, he tore his gaze away from me and stared ahead at the dais. The orchestra broke off into a different, slower melody. "Ready?" he asked me.
I swallowed. "What if I fall?"
He laughed, the sound making my stomach clench. His heart hammered against his chest, mine racing to meet his new pulse. "Then we'll fall together." I stared up at him. The corner of his mouth twitched. "But I'll catch you first."
And then we were dancing.
His feet moved in time to the music, mine moving on top of his as he swept us around the ballroom. A rush of warm thrills stirred in my stomach. I let out a giddy laugh as he stepped, effectively carrying me with him. His eyes never left my face. The music swelled louder and faster, and Beast was quick to pick up on it. He spun me under his arm and swept me back in, lifting me off my feet to put me back down on top of his, gathering me closer and closer each time. His scent of cold winter and mint washed over me and settled my jittery nerves. With each step of his I felt myself relax further and further into his embrace, my smile growing wider and his eyes burning brighter. He was careful not to move too quick but not too slow, always the perfect rhythm and in time with the song's tempo, and the longer we danced the more I felt something inside me build.
From the corner of my eye, I saw Lumea pull Hendric out to dance. Walking through the doors, Coggington guided Mrs. Potter out as well, Kenji and Kip rocking where they stood near one of the columns.
After so many spins and a whirlwind of moving about the room, the music slowed to a deep, sad tune that let the exhaustion set into my bones. I leaned forward and pressed my cheek to Beast's chest, closing my eyes and listening to his heart beat just under me. It raced surprisingly fast, and I didn't think it was because of the dancing.
"I never told you how stunning you look," Beast whispered in my ear. I stared up at him. "You're breathtaking."
Heat rose to my cheeks, but there was still one question that had me perplexed. For two months, I'd been within close proximity of him and hardly ever out of his sight. Then today, he disappeared from mine and I found I was working myself into a loop of where he'd gone. I gripped his hand a bit tighter and dropped my head to his chest again. "Where did you go?"
He looked over the top of my head. I could sense him debating his answer and testing it in his head. "I had some... issues to settle here, both with the estate and with myself," he said somewhat hesitantly. He sighed, tightening his arm around my waist. "There were things that I needed to finish here. Like decorating, for instance."
"You did all this?"
He laughed. "I had to make up for this morning in some way. I stormed out like a child."
I smiled. "You never wished me a happy birthday, either."
He paused. "No, I don't think I did."
His arm fell away from my hips, his hand capturing mine and helping me down from his feet. The moment our bodies were pulled apart I longed to have him back, to have his warmth wrapped around me again. I pushed the thought away. Remember why you're here, I chastised myself, but even I didn't know why. Looking around at the others, he gave a short nod and began to lead us away from under the chandelier, walking in strong strides toward the columns. He pushed open a door and hurried to pull me through it.
"Where are we going?"
He flashed me a nervous smile over his shoulder. "You'll see."
Oh, how I hated those words.
In the great hall, he pushed open another door. Cold gusts of wind engulfed us, my body instantly breaking out into convulsing shivers. I gripped onto his hand harder, my feet freezing in their place. All around us, the tall stone walls of the palace loomed pale white against the midnight sky. A single tree stood in the center of a courtyard, its limbs covered in thick blankets of sparkling snow, ice-covered vines draping around a singular stone bench. The leaves hadn't fallen despite the chill, adding a touch of mystery to an already secret garden. He walked us under the tree to sit on the bench.
Beast released my hand and stripped off his jacket, wrapping me in it and doing up the buttons as he had done so many times before. There was something so intimate in the way he took his time, his fingers trailing along the lapels as he lifted them to protect my neck from the cold. His silver eyes glistened in the moonlight, a tenderness underneath the iron that I had never expected to see from him. His warm breath caressed my cold cheeks, the heat growing almost unbearable as he leaned closer. My stomach gave an unexpected flip. His tongue swept out to lick along his lips as he spoke, so soft I barely heard him over the thundering of my own heartbeat. "Happy birthday, Adaira." The tip of his nose grazed mine, sending a pulse of shock down my spine. I sucked in a breath. His lips grazed my corner of my mouth.
My heart lurched forward. I closed my eyes, squeezing out a tear.
Then I turned my face away, rising to my feet to step away from him. I gripped onto the skirts of my dress with every ounce of strength I had, my arms shaking with the force. Tears ran down my cheeks. I couldn't figure out how to stop them.
Neither of us spoke for a moment. Then he cleared his throat, his voice strained when he spoke. "I'm sorry, I thought... I'm sorry, Adaira. I was mistaken."
I snorted, wiping more tears from my eyes. "No, you weren't. And that's the problem." Facing him, I could see the confusion on his face as he watched me pace back and forth.
His jaw clenched tighter. "Why is that a problem?"
Truthfully, I didn't even know myself. Standing there wrapped up inside his arms, so close and so gentle, it hit me with the intensity of being dropped into ice water: I didn't want to hide anymore. For the first time in my life, I didn't want to be anywhere else. I was exactly where I wanted to be— with Beast. I melted at his touch, lost my breath at the sight of him. I wanted him.
And that was the problem.
For as long as I could remember, I cried at the thought of being sucked up into the sacrifice. I'd stayed in the light so the shadows of monsters could never find me. Papa had filled our heads with his dreams of getting to the city that I never realized I didn't have a dream of my own— until now.
Being here in the city wasn't my dream— being with Beast was.
Then why does this feel like a nightmare?
I'd always told myself that I would never want a man other than my brothers. They were all I needed in this world, but now it wasn't enough. I'd always needed the light to keep the shadows at bay. But now I craved the dark.
Now, I craved Beast.
"Adaira?"
I looked up through a haze of tears to find his silver eyes still waiting for my answer, but I didn't have one ready to give. My feet pedaled back in the snow. "I don't know," I whispered, my voice a ghost in the wind. I walked on unsteady feet under the tree, tangling my hand in a frozen vine. "I'm scared."
He frowned, lowering his hands down to his sides. "Of what?"
"You," I confessed quietly. His eyes dropped to the ground. "But now I'm scared of me too and... Beast, I don't want to feel any of this. But I do and I don't know what to do."
His lips twitched. "I think I do."
Suddenly, he was towering over me, letting our bodies melt into each other. His hands cupped the sides of my face, lowering his closer so that he paused, waiting. I squeezed my eyes shut. This time I wouldn't pull back. This time I wouldn't hide.
His fingers lifted my chin, the warm pad of his thumb trailing along my throat and sparking a fire that burned like ice under my skin. I fisted his shirt in my hands, crumpling and nearly ruining the fabric, but I didn't care. My entire body was keenly aware of how much I wanted him, my blood growing sluggish in my veins and my body beginning to quake for a new reason. His mouth hovered over mine, barely touching in gentle whispers, parted and allowing his warm breath to drift against my skin. His eyes never left my face, watching my reactions to his touch as I melted in his hands. I pressed myself closer, standing higher on my toes to meet him. His hand shifted along my neck. "Your skin, it's... it's addicting."
I knew the feeling all too well. When his fingers slowly stopped trailing my neck, I yearned for more— I needed more.
"You and me," he said, his breath grazing my cheek and sending shivers down my spine. "We belong together, Adaira." The ball of his thumb lifted my chin higher, turning my face away from his. Before I could cry out a protest, his lips descended on my neck.
My knees buckled out from under me. His arm snapped around my waist and heaved me upright again, holding me so tightly against him that I could feel his own heart racing in rhythm with mine. His mouth devoured my throat, pressing simmering kisses to my jaw and cheeks— everywhere but the place I wanted— no, needed— him to. I tightened my grip on him, feeling more tears slip down my cheeks. His fingers wiped them away. He kissed the corners of my eyes and down my temple, his breaths husky and labored in my ear. My back pressed against the tree, his hand still cupping my cheek. "Adaira..."
I lifted my heavy eyelids to meet his gaze, the silver a bright gray now. I tugged his body closer to mine. My eyes dropped to his mouth, soft and warm and too far away. Swallowing a nervous breath, I nodded.
He leaned his forehead against mine, panting with his eyes closed. "Wait," he panted. "I can't..."
I tilted my head higher, desperate to feel his mouth against mine. My entire body had been swallowed up with the need for him to touch me, explore more than just what his eyes could see. I needed him more than I needed my own heart to beat. I shook my head, licking my lips. "Beast... please." Somewhere in the distance, I could hear the wind howling and whispering hushed words, the smell of winter wrapped up in the man before me. I lifted my hand to palm his cheek, feeling the shaved stubble scratch against my skin. I traced his bottom lip with my finger, winding my way to the nape of his neck and into his hair. I tugged gently on the thick strands and pulled him closer. I closed my eyes and inched toward him.
A shrieking cry split the air above us. Beast wrenched himself away and snapped his head up to the sky. A pang throbbed in my chest as I watched him go still. Cold air rushed to cool down my steaming face and cover the flushed color. My stomach turned in on itself.
I collapsed down onto the cold stone bench, struggling to reel back in the emotions that had nearly crushed me. My head pounded with the pain of disappointment. I'd been so ready to give in, so much so that the feeling of him tearing away from me made my head spin with rejection. Is this what Gabriel felt all those times I shot down his proposals?
I sighed. This better be important, I thought grumpily. "Is everything—?"
"We have to go," he said darkly. "Now."
I lifted my head. "What?"
But he was already gone.