CHAPTER THIRTY ONE
Harry’s silent and is still looking at the ground and I just stand, trying to quiet my sobs to small sniffles and hope that I haven’t screwed everything up.
“I’m sorry.” I whisper, my lip quivering because I just want Harry to look at me, “I—I just thought you should know, I know you don’t feel the same but—” Harry cuts me off in the middle and I look up to him hopefully.
“Violet.” He says, coming back into the flat and looking down at me, “Are you crazy?”
And then I just can’t stop the tears because I knew he didn’t feel the same and I messed it all up.
“I’m sorry.” I sob, “I thought you could fix this I…” I trail off, not knowing how to finish.
Luckily Harry does for me. “Violet!” He says again, this time more urgent, “I meant are you crazy, thinking I didn’t love you?” I look back up, my mouth falling open on it’s own accord, “Violet, I love you—so much!”
“Y-You do?” I question, not being able to believe that this isn’t some dream, “I mean, you don’t have to say it just because I did, I understand.”
Harry just chuckles and takes a step towards me, “I’m saying it because I mean it.” He says, and then laughs in disbelief, “God, I wish I could kiss you right now.”
I bite my lip, looking up at him with expectant eyes, “I think—I mean,” I shake my head, trying to stay calm, “I think you should.” I say, my stomach turning.
Harry gives me a questioning look, and I kind of feel flustered, “What do you mean?” He asks, unsure, “Violet, I could like, hurt you.”
“And that’s a risk I’m willing to take,” I say, a nervous smile on my face, “Trust me, okay?” I ask, looking at Harry’s eyes for any type of regret or negative reaction, “Trust me.”
He takes a shuddery breath, “Okay.” Harry whispers, licking his lips slowly. He nods and then wipes away at the tears in his eyes and on his cheeks, smiling softly. He then slowly takes a deep breath and leans in, looking into my eyes calmly, searching for any sort of regret. I nod, smiling slowly and then closing the space in between us.
But it’s not anything normal, of course, because I don’t fall through him and Harry’s head doesn’t go straight through mine. I feel Harry’s lips on mine and I can softly reach out and touch his face. Harry feels it, too, evidently, when he lets out a surprised laugh and wraps his arms around me and I feel warm, laughing and smiling while also crying and kissing Harry.
His lips taste like cinnamon and it maybe metaphoric happiness because you can’t taste happiness but kissing Harry is happiness to me, so I count it.
I pull back, beaming at Harry, and sucking in a huge breath of air, closing my eyes and letting in the feel of oxygen coursing through my lungs.
Harry puts a hand over his mouth, letting out a happy chuckle again and I open my eyes slowly. “Violet!” He says excitedly, “You look—You have…” He shakes his head, then takes my hands in his, softly running his fingers over my knuckles before bringing them up to my face, beaming and crying.
I gasp as I look to see my hands changing from an ugly grey to a pale tan. I look down to see color flowing throughout my body from the blue denim of my old jeans to the dark brown in my hair. I don’t even think before jumping into Harry’s arms, hugging and holding on to him tightly, intent on never letting him leave. My legs wrap around his waist and my face in the crook of his neck laughing with joy.
He wraps his arms around me again and I feel his tears falling down into my hair.
I pull away from his neck, wiping the tears from his cheeks because I can finally touch and I can finally feel, and right now I feel overjoyed and warm and encompassed entirely by Harry.
“Harry,” I exclaim happily, “I’m—I’m human again!”
He nods, crying again before leaning forward and kissing me again, his soft lips moving in an urgent motion against mine. I try to match the pace and all and I try to like, kiss well, but I mean, I’m not very good at it and it’s hard and frustrating and it probably feels like kissing a robot for Harry.
Harry pulls away from my lips, and dammit, I knew I was pitiful. “What’s wrong, Vi?” He asks, running his hand through my hair to get it out of my eyes.
“I’m just – not very good at kissing and like, this is really big and it’s bugging me.” I say, shaking my head at the ground.
Harry walks over and sits down on the couch with me in his lap, running a soothing hand up and down my back. He pulls my head away from his chest to look me in the eyes, “You’re perfect, okay? And I’d kiss you if you were the worst kisser in the world—which you’re not—or the best, it makes no difference to me because I’m kissing you.” He says sincerely, pecking my cheek after for good measure.
I feel my face flush, and I hide back in the crook of his neck, “What—What about Elizabeth?” I whisper quietly into his skin, half-hoping he doesn’t hear it.
“What?” He asks like it’s critical, “What do you mean, ‘What about Elizabeth?’ babe.” He says, stroking down my back again.
“I-I mean, she’s probably more enjoyable to like, I don’t know, kiss.” I say insecurely, which is kind of bugging me because I feel shaky and afraid like this but I just want to be better than Elizabeth and good for Harry and it’s not working out.
Harry shakes his head vigorously, moving my body so that I’m now looking up at him. I bite my lip, nervous like the idiot I am. “Elizabeth is not you, Vi.” He says, softly cupping my cheek, “I love you.”
I smile and nod, feeling much batter after hearing that. “And I love you.”
Apparently that’s all Harry needs, because again he’s leaning down to kiss me, softly and gently. Like he’s showing me exactly what to do, and I’m absolutely beaming internally, but I don’t do it in reality in fear of messing this up.
Harry slowly strokes down my side, laying me back to lie on the couch and I panic on the inside but continue to keep up with Harry’s pace.
He gently runs his tongue across my lip and I remember Alfie sometimes doing that and that means like, open your mouth more or something—but like, why am I thinking about Alfie right now.
So I do just that, opening my mouth slightly and Harry’s tongue slides into my mouth, running across my teeth. I kind of panic again, but like, good panic, I think. But, I just really don’t know what to do because I haven’t kissed anyone in like, five years and kissing was the least of my worries during those five years.
Luckily (but also kind of unluckily) Harry pulls back, breathing heavily. I open my eyes slowly to see him grinning down at me.
“Did you like that?” He asks, smiling dopily.
And is that literally the stupidest question in the world. “Of course I liked it.” I say bluntly and not even joking at all, “I really like it, like, favorite thing to do now. Kissing you.” The words just kind of tumble out of my mouth, but I’m too happy to care that much.
Harry grins again, “Oh, really?” He asks amused. I nod, smiling softly, “You wanna try it again?”
Instead of nodding, I just lean forward again. We kiss forever, it feels like, but it’s nice and quite lovely, just memorizing the feel of his lips and softly running my hands through his soft hair like I’ve wanted to do for what feels like forever.
And most of the time while I’m kissing him, I have no idea what to do, but now I think I have a good enough idea on what I should do.
So I pull back and look Harry in the eyes, him looking at me questionably. “I love you.” I say, and Harry laughs, shaking his head.
“I love you, too.”
“No, no, listen.” I say seriously. Harry nods and leans back, looking back at me with a fixed expression, “I love you and I—I trust you.” I say, breathing evenly to try and stay calm.
Harry just nods, his eyebrows furrowed, but then he understands, his lips forming into an ‘O’ and his eyebrows raising very high on his forehead. He opens and closes his mouth before licking his lips, but not saying anything
And then I really panic, because maybe Harry doesn’t want that, maybe he’s not ready for that.
“It’s just,” I start, shaking my head, “You know, we’ve known each other for a while, it’s not like some, casual thing or whatever.”
Harry’s head snaps up and he shakes it forcefully, “No, babe, I didn’t mean to act surprised I was just,” He pauses, scratching his head, “I meant it like, I know how much that means to you and I just want you to be sure.” I nod as he pauses again, “I mean I was surprised you asked me, you know? I feel, I don't know, honored or something.”
“Well don’t say it like that.” I laugh, brushing a few curls off his forehead, “It’s not like you’re being asked by the queen or something it’s just,” I make a hand motion that Harry laughs at, “Like, swiping the v-card.” I say awkwardly, making the credit-card-swipe motion with hands. “My v-card?” I add nervously.
Harry lets his elbows fall free from under him, and he lay on top of me, his head on my stomach as his body rumbles with laughter.
“Harry, stop, this is serious!” I say, but end up laughing at the end, too.
He rests his head on his hands again, smiling in an attempt to hold back laughter, “I’m sorry.” But then his whole demeanor changes and he says softly, “I mean, it’d be the same for like, me, you know.”
I stay silent, looking at him very surprised and doing a very pitiful job of covering it up. It’s just that I thought Elizabeth and him maybe did some things—the thing—and Harry’s really attractive and probably has anybody falling at his feet to be with him. So, like, it’s a bit of a surprise.
“Is that okay?” He asks, biting his bottom lip. And, really, Harry has a tendency of asking truly stupid questions.
“Of course it’s okay, you twat.” I say, lightly smacking the side of his head. He giggles like the little kid he is, “It’s just—a surprise, is all.”
His eyebrows furrow together, “Really?” He asks, “I give off non-virgin vibes?” He says jokingly.
“Well, Elizabeth does.” I say before I can think about it, and it’s kind of rude, in a way. I don’t know if him and Elizabeth are still together or where all of this stuff stands.
“Wait,” I say, closing my eyes and rubbing my temples, “Shit, what about Elizabeth, your girlfriend.” I say, wriggling to get out from under Harry and then tucking my knees up to my chest. Harry gives me a sad look but sits up as well.
“Violet I told you Elizabeth isn’t you—” He says but I’m still upset about it.
“This is serious, though, Harry.” I say, rubbing at my eyes to keep the tears from falling down again because I need to stop crying and I need to get this all out. “This isn’t a kiss, this is—this is sex, this is important to me.” I think about it all over again, going over it again in my head and I just shake my head, getting up to stand, “You know what, never mind, I can’t do this.” I say, breathing irregularly.
“No, Violet listen,” Harry pleads, but I shake my head, trying to regain my breath. “Violet, please.”
“Harry, you have a girlfriend!” I say like it’s new information, “And not less than an hour ago we were arguing about that same girlfriend and not too long ago you were going to leave me for that girlfriend!”
Harry looks at his hands guiltily, and I love him so much and I want to kiss him, but it’s not that simple to me.
I swallow and blink rapidly, trying to stay calm, “And I just told you that I hated you, and you told me that you feel like you have to babysit me, and you told me I’m the problem and…” I can’t go on because I feel my lungs clench and I just focus on taking steady breaths for a while.
Harry takes this as a good time to talk.
“Violet, I can explain,” He says, and I nod absentmindedly—mostly to myself—and Harry continues, “Elizabeth, she was a, replacement?” He says questioningly, like that’s not the right world.
“A replacement?” I question annoyed, “A replacement for what? Me?” Harry fish mouths, opening and closing his mouth but forming no words, “You dated her for over a month, flaunted your relationship in my face anytime you could, made-out with her in front of me—all as a replacement for me?”
Harry shrugs and I hit my palm against my forehead in exasperation and stumble to sit down on the armrest of the couch. This was a bad idea; we should have talked first, not acted immediately.
“Well, God, Violet.” Harry says exasperatedly, “I didn’t know what else to do, I was falling in love with a ghost. Violet, you weren’t even alive! I couldn’t do anything about it either, and everyday as I saw you more and more, I just kept falling deeper and deeper and I didn’t know what to do, I was going crazy!” He exclaims, his eyes starting to turn glassy. I scoot down to sit next to him again, slowly running a soothing hand over his thigh.
“I mean, I thought the world of you—I still do, of course—but I mean, I just thought you were the most amazing person, ghost, whatever I’d ever laid eyes on, and then I realized I couldn’t have you and it crushed me.” He explains, wiping his nose with his sleeve, “So, I met Elizabeth and had this horrible idea that maybe if I could get you to be jealous of her, you’d fancy me, too.”
“That is a pretty shit idea.” I muse, but then shrug and look at Harry with a soft smile, “But, hey, it worked.”
“Yeah.” He whispers, offering a small smile as well, “I guess it did.”
I scoot over a little more, cautiously tucking my head into the crook of his neck. I feel his soft lips gently press against my scalp and I let out a content sigh. “I’m sorry.” I say.
Harry doesn’t move, just rests his head on top of mine and quietly whispers, “What for, love?”
I shrug, staring at the back wall. “For saying all of those things to you and for, I don’t know, like, being a bitch in general.”
He snorts, and shakes his head, his hair tickling my scalp as he does so. “If anyone should be apologizing, it’s me.” He says, running his long fingers up and down my side, “For over a month I did my best to make you feel horrible. I shoved my relationship, my friends, my job, my life—all of it—in your face when I knew you couldn’t have any of that. It wasn’t fair at all and I was a complete dick to you.”
I nod, staying quiet before moving to sit so that I’m looking at him, “Yeah, you did.” I say, and I mean, I forgive him for it and all, but I’m not going to go on about how I love him, and that, since I love him, he can do anything to me and I’ll forgive him because that’s not true.
So I just shrug and then slap him really hard across his cheek. “It’s okay now.”
I watch as he winces and rubs his reddened cheek with his hand gently, then turns to look back at me with a pained expression, “I suppose I deserved that.”
“Yeah, you did.” I say because I’ve wanted to punch him in the face the last month or so and look, I slapped him. “You probably deserve this, too.” I add, then slap him again, but on the other cheek, of course.
His reaction is the same, and this time when he turns back to me, he says, “Damn, you’re pretty strong.”
I hold in a laugh and just smile fondly at him. “Yeah, don’t mess with me again.” I say, lightly hitting his leg.
He laughs, then takes my hands in his and runs his fingers lightly over my knuckles. He looks me straight into my eyes and says, “I am truly sorry.” He runs his hand gently down my cheek and smiles softly, “Can I kiss you?” He whispers lightly.
I grin, biting my lip to try and contain my elation. So I just nod and he laughs and leans to peck my lips once, twice, three times before leaning back and pressing a kiss to the end of my nose.
I giggle and fall forward, pushing Harry down and falling on top of him. He beams, running a hand through my long, tangled hair and I lean down and press a long, gentle kiss to his lips. No urgency or pressing, just simple and loving.
I pull back and gently tug at a curl at the top of his head. “You know,” I muse, looking at him thoughtfully, “I really wasn’t lying when I said kissing you is my favorite thing to do.”
He smiles, “Really?” He asks, and I nod lazily, resting my chin on my palm and my elbow at the top of his chest, “What did I have to go up against?”
I smile and pretend to be in deep thought, “Well, it’s right next to eating cookie dough, reading, and sleeping next to you.”
He smirks cheekily and says, “I can bet you a lot of money that sleeping with me is better.”
I raise my eyebrows and give him a sly smile, “Oh really?” I say and he nods, biting his bottom lip, which—is really hot, and he needs to stop. “I’ll have to hold you to it.”
He looks like he’s about to say something more on the subject but I jut put my finger over his mouth and say, “Let’s just cuddle for now.” I drop down and lay on his chest, wrapping my arms him and planting a soft kiss over his heart.
“You finally have the chance to leave the flat and do whatever you want to, and you’d rather just stay here and lay with me?” He asks, a little confused, but fondly all the same.
“Of course.” I mumble, my eyelids beginning to get heavy, “I could lay with you forever.”
His body rumbles with a breathy laugh. “Just laying with me, doing nothing else?” He asks in a testing way.
I tighten my arms around him and say, “Cuddling, too, of course.” I look up at him too see him smiling softly down at me. I press a chaste kiss to his lips. “Kissing, too, maybe.” I joke, winking at him and he laughs lightly again.
He slowly rubs down my back and stops at the curve of my waist, “You know what else we can do while laying down…” He trails off, grabbing my butt and I laugh hitting his chest.
“Shut up, H,” I say, shaking my head while looking up at him and moving his hand back to rest on my back, “We can wait a little longer, I think.” I say. He smiles and nods, looking down at me. “Sorry if you were wanting to, like right now I just—”
He quickly shakes his head, a swift way to get me to stop talking. “No, Violet, we can wait as long as you’d like. Only until you’re ready, okay?” He says and I nod, smiling, “Hell, I’d wait a lifetime if I had to. Just for you.” He smiles, and caresses my cheek with his soft hand.
“Because you love me and I love you.”
FIN
[LMAO THAT’S THE END I DIDN’T REALLY WARN YOU GUYS AHAHA HERE YOU GO AND WHAT A CLICHÉ ENDING GROSS GROSS GROSS]
[ok but on a like, a more serious note imma say a few loving words to all yall reading this ight here we go:
thank you so much for reading and voting and commenting and supporting me through this whole story. To be honest, when I started writing this my goal was to at least get a thousand reads aND LOOK WHAT YOU GUYS DID LIKE HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS ARE LITERALLY SO AWESOME GAH.
I loved all of the poems and banners and pictures and covers and overall, all the support and I just want to thank you all. You guys make me so happy and all your comments and opinions always make me laugh (‘:
SO IN CONCLUSION: y’all are groovy dudes and I love you all aw aw.]