⏺First Impression
• Title
- Siguro ine-expect mo na 'to pero sasabihin ko pa rin. Your title is too long for me. I'm the type of reader na hindi matandain lalo na kapag mahaba ang title, maybe may maaalala ako pero few words lang. As you can see, may mga readers na katulad ko at kung gusto mong matandaan ng readers ang title ng story mo, you should consider picking a title na hindi ganoon kahaba. Yes pasadong pasado sa uniqueness and appropriateness, that's the strength of your title. I'm not encouraging you to change your title, why? Well based on experience, title is one of the hardest part in making a novel or a story and I can see that it's complimenting the traits of your characters especially Clyde's. I'm just sharing my positive and negative insights about this one, so I hope you don't mind.
• Blurb
- Typical blurb. However, I like how you balanced everything on that part. Hindi nabulgar ang pinaka-plot, which is good. Maganda rin 'yong last line sa blurb, panghatak kumbaga. Keep it up.
• Book Cover
- I really don't have a problem with your cover. Ang aesthetic and unique nga ng dating para sa akin. Medyo crowded nga lang 'yong placing ng title dahil mahaba.
• Prologue
- Hmm, since nahila ako ng blurb mo I was expecting some more enticing scenes or unexpected scenes. But don't get me wrong, noong binasa ko ang part na 'yon, of course I got curious but not to extent na babasahin ko agad 'yong chapter one. I don't know but I felt like the whole chapter lacked on emotion? I mean, nandoon sila sa funeral because they were guilty pero hindi ko masyadong feel 'yon kay Beaumont. Yes, nandoon 'yong inner thoughts niya pero nakulangan siguro small details. Like for example, if Beaumont felt annoyed and guilty that time, maybe you can include some small actions like fidgeting of fingers, furrowing of brow and such to show that he was restless and annoyed that time.
⏺Plot
• Relevance to the Genre
- At first, nagtataka talaga ako bakit general fiction?? Kasi noong una tingin ko mas swak siya sa teen fic kasi iyon ang binibigay na vibe ng story mo. But it's more than that, habang nagpo-progress ang story I knew this is going to be interesting. I mean, the fact na sinama mo 'yong AIDS issue sa story with a mix of romance, slice of life, coming of age etc., is what makes your story relevant to your chosen genre.
• Flow/Transition of Scenes
- Yes, mabagal ang flow ng story, usually ang boring for me pero your story is an exception. I like how you spark your readers' attention by slowly giving a piece of information little by little. Kasi roon sila mas lalong magtatanong, maguguluhan and eventually they'll keep on reading until the end. So I'm very satisfied sa flow/transitions sa story mo although it took a couple of chapters bago mo ni-reveal 'yong flashbacks which I'm really looking forward to know, nakaka-torture teh.
• Conflict (Internal/External)
- Present ang internal at external conflict for both of your main characters. These conflicts really added spice to your story lalo na 'yong inner conflicts ni Beau to pursue Clyde because of Holly... and of course as you said she is the life and blood of the story, she really is. I would like to commend you for including the AIDS issue in your story, siguro isa ito sa tatatak sa akin kapag maaalala ko ang story mo. Not everyone will attempt to include this in their own story, usually they'll go for the cliché ones, alam mo 'yon? Iyong mga sakit na common sa isang story, pero hey people, don't get me wrong here. I'm not invalidating other conditions it's just that it's rare to see someone raising an awareness for other people to see through his or her story. Dahil katulad nga sa nangyari sa character mo, madaling mahusgahan ang mga taong may ganitong kondisyon. So I really love everything about your conflicts and you have your own ideas sa story, keep it up.
• Reactions/Comments for every Chapter (Optional)
- The best ang scene 32!! Although hindi deep kiss ang nangyari, still kiniliti 'yong sistema ko. And of course the following chapters wherein we get to know Steve, ramdam ko sakit niya teh.
- I also want to say na sobrang laman ng flashback chapters, nasagot niya halos lahat ng question ko.
⏺ Technical Issues
• Grammar
- Hindi sumakit ang ulo ko sa pagbabasa, I really enjoyed it. Halatang mahilig ka magbasa which is your advantage because we can only learn how to write if we know how to read.
• Punctuations
- About your dialogue tags and action beats, I noticed na madalas mong mapagpalit 'yong commas and periods for each. I know you are very much aware of the differences between the two, but I just want to share what I've read. According sa mga nababasa kong guidelines, a dialogue tag refers to which character is speaking while an action beat is what the character does (Gerth, 2016) *ayern may pag-cite na lol*.
- In dialogue tags, it is always followed by a comma except for one case. I'll elaborate these different cases. While in action tags it will always be followed by a period.
FIRST CASE: Dialogue + Dialogue Tag
example: "Pero, marami kang maaabalang sasakyan," she said (lowercase if pronouns ang gamit such as she and he pero syempre capital kapag proper nouns)
SECOND CASE: Dialogue Tag + Dialogue
example: She said, "Pero marami kang maaabalang sasakyan." (always use a comma after the dialogue tag and before the opening quotation mark)
THIRD CASE: Dialogue + Dialogue tag w/ a comma+ Dialogue (meaning na sa gitna siya ng isang buong sentence/dialogue)
example: "What?" bulalas ni Steve, " kaibigan mo na siya?" (ang hirap i-explain basta ganto format hehe)
FOURTH CASE: Dialogue + Dialogue tag w/ a period +Dialogue (same with the third case, punctuation and capitalization lang naiba)
example: "Yes," she answered flatly. "You know what, Beau. I think Clyde feels comfortable around you."
Note: Bold words are corrections. Also refer to: https://sandragerth.com/how-to-punctuate-dialogue-tags-and-action-beats-correctly/
• Structure
- Spacing, may isang particular chapter (Scene 2) na nahilo ako kasi walang spacing. Minsan we need to put spaces between our paragraphs for the sake of our readers, may nahihilo or mahihiluhin na tulad ko.
- Inappropriate use of word, isa lang naman 'tong napansin ko pero mas maiging mabanggit ko na rin for future revisions. Kindly refer to this screenshot, nakuha ko 'yan sa Scene 1 wherein POV ni Beau... I don't know pero ang conyo ng dating kapag ganiyan, conyo ba si Beau??? Rich kid oo pero ang off lang talaga nung word na "magstudy" for me, I mean 'yon lang pero why not gawing tagalog kung tagalog lang at english naman kung english lang.
- Another one. Scene 2 ko siya nakuha, suggest ko lang na i-reconstruct mo 'yong highlighted na sentence dito sa screenshot if you'll edit your story.
- Last one, 'di naman siya nakaaapekto sa buong story but just a small suggestion of mine. You can remove the hearts emoticon which serve as your separator of scenes, para sa akin kasi, the capitalized greco state university was already indicating the next scene.
⏺ Characterization/Settings
• Point of View
- I want to commend your choice of POV. Bagay na bagay siya sa takbo ng story at sobrang smooth ng transition from Clyde's POV to Beau's POV. Gamay mo ang paggamit ng ganitong klase ng pov na hindi lahat ng manunulat ay kaya so I want to compliment you for that.
•Characterization and Character Developments
Overall Comment: Very evident ang character development dahil siguro may touch ng coming of age genre ang story mo especially for your main characters. Your characters were established very well. You can write their emotion into words and naparamdam mo 'yong struggles ng bawat karakter pero medyo lacking sa pag-describe sa mukha ng bawat characters. Even though, okay na rin at some point because I used their distinct traits/characteristics to imagine their face and their physique.
Characters:
⚫ Beaumont- Noong nabasa ko 'yong flashback chapters, in fairness nag-mature ang character. Sa kaniya ko pinaka nakita ang character development. At 'yong pagbibigay niya ng kilig hindi excessive, hindi rin corny and 'yong ninja moves halatang experienced eh. You gave solid justice sa character by giving us those flashback chapters.
⚫ Clyde- I love how you shaped her character, it's either you're into classic films talaga or you really are passionate about your story that you researched details very well. Although hindi ko kilala mostly lahat ng karakter na binabanggit ni Clyde sa mga classic films such as Jim Stark, I can tell that you are well prepared for this character. Also, I like her wholesome attitude, ibang iba sa mga tipikal na babaeng karakter sa mga wattpad stories.
⚫ Holly- Ang tagal bago ma-introduce ng character niya! I really anticipated her kasi they (characters) just keep on giving a little hint yet they always leave me hanging when I crave for more information about her. She really is the life and blood, na sa kaniya rin ang conflict so I think it's a good timing na medyo matagal-tagal bago mo siya inintroduce, napabasa ako hanggang sa dulo.
⚫Steve- Ako lang yata ang nag-akalang tamang sidekick lang ang character na ito, pero hindi, hindi ko inasahang may koneksyon siya maging kay Holly. This character really touched my heart the most, I mean swak na swak ang mga salitang pinakawalan mo sa POV niya sa mga nangyayari sa karakter niya. Lahat nakaka-relate and his impact ay maikukumpara sa second-lead syndrome, ganoon ang impact ni Steve sa akin. Ewan ko lang sa iba ha.
⚫Thomas- Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gusto nito sa buhay, ang effective niya grabe, mababasa ko lang pangalan niya sa story naiimbyerna ako.
⚫Nick- Hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin ma-process mga nangyari sa kaniya. It's really sad, nawala si Holly, shet nawala rin 'yong (supposedly) baby niya and he's diagnosed with AIDS. Ano pang mas sasaklap??? I wonder kung sasabihin ba ni Steve sa susunod na chapters ang tungkol sa baby nila ni Holly?
• Show vs Tell
- There's no doubt, show syempre. Hindi ko na pahahabain pa ang explanation.
⏺ Overall Impression/Message/Rating
Rate: 9.5
Every part of your story aligns perfectly. Flaws sa plot? I think wala. I'm glad to know that you are one of the few authors who have passion in writing. You are prepared, halos lahat ng posibleng loophole sa iyong plot ay na-cover mo. Marami kasi ngayong sumusugod sa gera na walang bala and they ended up deleting their story. So, kudos to you and to your passion and talent in writing. I want you to finish this story, it's one of your masterpiece. If ever na may nakaligtaan akong concern mo, don't hesitate to ask. On the other hand, I sincerely apologise for the very late critique. I didn't know that my life outside could be so demanding for the past months that it left me with so little time for leisure.
[YOU MUST ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS AS PART OF YOUR PAYMENTS]
• How was the critique for your story?
(very satisfying, satisfying, unsatisfying)
• Did it matched your expectations?
• What are your recommendations to improve the critiques?
• What can you say about your critic?
THANK YOU FOR ANSWERING THESE QUESTIONS! IT WILL SURELY HELP THE CRITIC TO IMPROVE MORE 💖- kangseul (19|05|29)