I'm not going to edit any of this. I'm typing things as they pop into my head so you all can see my thinking process
This isn't actually an awkward moment...but it's connected. I can't sleep. I can never sleep easily. I stay up, wallowing in all of these thoughts, feeling so terrible about myself until I'm so tired I just pass out. I'm indecisive about things...especially important decisions.
I can't just say what I'm thinking...I have to think it through first, and then talk about it. I want to jab pencils into my head because I feel like an idiot for waiting to say or do so many things. Night time is the worst time for me. I don't know what it is, but I have all these negative thoughts...weird thoughts...more...creepy-ish thoughts that I probably shouldn't be having at this age *looks around suspiciously*
But anyway, I really don't like night time that much. I like staying up on my computer because it's a distraction. I needed the distraction or I don't know what I'd do. There's so many things I just want to
go out and do or say...but I can't because I'm worried of what would happen...but not anymore.
Night time still isn't a good time for me...I still go kinda...crazy in ways I can't really go into or explain clearly, but it's not as bad. I'm not as anxious. I'm braver. I'm more aware of things now. I'm not so oblivous to feelings anymore.
And now I'm wishing for someone to read this...but at the same time, I don't want him to. I'm nervous that he'll think.. No...I'm not nervous about it. I'm alright now. I'm fine. I want him to see it. I really do.
Please don't think I'm too crazy :P
anyway, I'd be lying if I said I'm not uncertain about a few things...but it's barely there anymore. I've become more understanding, more patient. I kept going on and on about how this was so hard...but it's not. the fear is making it hard, the worry, the doubts. They didn't matter. They shouldn't exist. I have nothing to worry about. I'm okay. Everything will work out....
I'm not as afraid anymore. It does and will get better. It just takes time. It'll only be a matter of time before everything starts falling into place.
And I also still feel anxiety about things...but on the bright side, I haven't gotten an anxiety attack in over three weeks. I need to look on the bright side more. :)
* * *
sorry that this isn't as humorous as you might have expected. But to those who think like this, you're not the only one, ok? I think like this all the time, and it used to be so much worse.
And never feel bad about talking about your problems. I used to be so afraid that people would think that I'm seeking attention, or over exaggerating, or I don't have a reason to be upset, or that I'm annoying them...don't think that. Sometimes all we need is someone to listen, to know that someone cares. And keeping it to yourself will only make things worse. At least, that's my experience with that. I'm starting to sleep a little better each day, and you know what? we're going to have our bad days. Things won't stay perfect, but when they do go bad, they'll go back to good, and they'll be better than before. Things won't always go our way, and we just have to accept that, and hope for the best another time. We are going to be awkward sometimes, embarrass ourselves. It's going to happen. We will get nervous...but it'll get better. It will. I can't promise it'll get better right away...but I know that it will. And that's all that matters.
alright, I've rambled on long enough I think. Maybe I'll actually get some sleep tonight. :)