*Please forgive any mistakes... this has not been edited at all :S
All day Penny's been acting strange, and though I can't put my finger on the exact reason, somehow I've been getting a strange vibe. The two of us had spent the whole day with Clarice and Dillon at the pool and it wasn't until we volunteered to run to the store for some snacks that I realized something was off.
It'd been subtle at first. She'd lean in a little too close to speak to me, or brush her fingers against mine to draw my attention to her, or laugh a little too forcefully at my awful attempts at a joke. Sure, I thought it was strange at the time, but I didn't really notice it until we left the pool and were finally alone. Suddenly everything shifted. The distance between us grew, the silence between us thickened, and the smiles disappeared.
None of these observations settled well in my gut. All this time I'd been working to paint Penny in a better light. I'd strived to see the good in her. I blinded myself to the possibilities of her being a manipulative backstabber. But today I couldn't deny it any longer. Penny was using me. I could feel it. She was only pursuing me so she could mark me as a conquest. Her flirty show in front of our friends only solidified the truth about her. She didn't care who she wounded as long as she came out on top.
As we walked through the grocery store, I couldn't help the burning disgust at the back of my throat. She'd known how I'd felt about her—he'd known how Clarice felt about me—and still, she'd pushed her way into my life because she knew I'd let her. She knew that in my emotional state, I wouldn't be able to reject her.
Rubbing my hand over my thigh, I let my fingers graze the lifeless, cold contraption that now imitates my lower leg. Was I a charity case to her? She'd pursued me out of pity because she'd known that I liked her? Or did she view me as something new and fresh? The troubled one-legged guy in need of affection?
The more I dwell on everything I've noticed today, the angrier I become. How could I have been so stupid? I flaunted Penny around in front of Clarice—the kindest, most compassionate girl I've ever known—and pushed Lynn away even though she'd done nothing but offer me support in the form of blatant honesty. The kind of honesty I needed. It's just too bad I was too stubborn to heed anything she said.
I see it now, though. Clarice and Lynn were right. Penny isn't the girl I'd hoped she was. She's not the girl she'd pretended to be. All our years of friendship and I'd never seen the truth.
"What are you so deep in thought about over there?" Penny suddenly asks, breaking me away from my bitter thoughts.
When I see the worry flash across her face, I know I've done a lousy job of concealing my disgust. Her chin jolts back, her brows dipping in concern as she takes in my expression. Softening my gaze, I offer her a poor attempt of a smile and then shrug before turning my attention back toward the road.
We're about ten minutes away from the pool but this weight on my chest is begging to be acknowledged. I refuse to be used any longer. It's time to man up. I need to stop making decisions based off my emotions and start using my head.
Offering Penny a quick glance, I rub a thumb along my jaw before answering. "What is this?" I ask, using my finger to motion between the two of us. "What are we?"
"Uh..." Her eyes widen marginally as she flounders for a response. "I don't know." Pause. "What do you want us to be?"
"Do you like me?" I ask, bulldozing over her question with one of my own. "I mean, really like me?"
"Um—"
"See," I laugh as I shake my head in regret, my brows lifted in bafflement, "you don't even know how to answer that question, which is an answer in and of itself."
"What do you want me to say, Jamie?" she asks, her words both pleading and defensive at the same time.
"The truth would be nice," I tell her, shooting her a stern glance. "Penny, if you're just using me, please be straight with me."
"I'm not—" Her voice catches and she glances down at her fingers where they lay clasped in her lap before squaring her shoulders and leveling her gaze at me. "Look, I'm sorry, okay? When you told me you liked me, I figured it wouldn't hurt to give us a chance and then I realized that, yes, I do enjoy hanging out with you. I liked the idea of us being something more." She heaves a deep sigh, and then a sly smile lifts a corner of her lips. "Besides, the kisses were worth it."
I'm dumbfounded for a whole five seconds before I manage to find my words. Is this just a game to her? Who admits something like that to someone they feel nothing for?
"That's it?" I challenge. "You led me on and broke Clarice's trust simply because you liked the idea of us being something more?"
"No," she admits timidly after a few moments and I find myself completely enthralled by the frustratingly defensive tone in Penny's voice.
"I'm just gonna be completely honest right now, okay?" she finally says without even the faintest glimmer of shame. "The truth is, none of this was about anyone but us. I wasn't trying to hurt people. I was simply having some fun." She shrugs like that explanation alone should be acceptable. "I loved the looks of desire that you'd direct at me. I liked knowing that I affected you."
I rub my hand down my face and then pinch the bridge of my nose, closing my eyes as I struggle to understand her logic.
"Do you hear yourself?" I mutter, dropping my hand from my face and turning accusing eyes in her direction. My words aren't harsh because I'm honestly just too confused and awestruck by her admission to sound rude. "We've been friends for years and I always knew you could be a bit self-centered at times, but this? This is borderline cruel. You played me and you trampled over Clarice's feelings just for the fun of it. That's not right, Penny."
My thoughts instantly drift to Lynn and the pain I probably put her through by pursuing Penny. I feel like a hypocrite. Though it was never my intention to hurt Lynn, I'm sure the words that I let slip on occasion are no less painful.
Guilt smirks at me from the folds of mistakes winding themselves through my gut and I drop my gaze to my lap as I wait for Penny to respond.
"Oh, believe me," she says, "I know. I know I'm messed up and selfish." She laughs a loud, dry laugh that draws my attention to her and I watch as she drops her head back against the headrest and stares up at the ceiling of my car. "I've tried to be more aware sometimes, but it's like I'm physically incapable of changing myself. I'm dangerously competitive."
"To the point of competing for something you don't even want?" I ask, eyeing her quizzically. I can actually feel the judgement radiating from my eyes, but she doesn't seem affected.
She smirks, offering a lazy shrug as she answers with a simple, "guess so."
Silence hangs around us the rest of the way back to the pool, but my thoughts are loud and chaotic. As much as I appreciate her honesty, I can't help but feel deceived. It's like I never actually knew the girl beside me. The girl I called my friend for years. How could she so successfully disguise her true qualities?
Or did she?
From talking to my other friends, it seems they've all been aware of her darker side from the beginning. It's only been me who was in denial. I noticed aspects about her that I didn't like, but I'd shake it off by telling myself she was having a bad day or that she didn't realize how her actions were affecting others. And she was always really good at overshadowing the bad with a moment of glorious perfection. She'd say something brutal and then follow it up with a smile that erased away the harshness of her words.
She was always sarcastic, sometimes to the extent that it'd come off as mean. It never occurred to me that others might not understand her sarcasm, and might interpret her words as something completely different. Now though, I'm realizing that it wasn't them interpreting her incorrectly... it was me. I'd tell myself she was joking, but now I'm not so sure. It seems I've been a blind idiot for years.
Making a left-hand turn into the public pool parking lot, I pull the vehicle into a free space and shut off the engine before turning in my seat to face Penny. Her attention snaps towards me, a sympathetic smile on her face. It's almost like she pities me in this moment. She sees that I'm only just now registering who she really is and she feels sorry that it's taken me this long to grow a brain.
"Penny," I say, my voice softer even though it still holds the same level of seriousness. "I'm done with this." I breathe out a heavy sigh. "I like you. I really do. But I can't be in a relationship with someone who's so willing to step on her own friends just to get attention. That's not how friendship works and you've got to admit, you haven't been much of a friend to any of us by acting this way."
Her eyes narrow as she scans my features and then she nods, successfully ending our conversation. Her lack of response speaks volumes. It's her way of being stubborn. She sees what I'm saying and probably even agrees with me, but her smile is her way of telling me that I'm basically screaming into the wind. My words are lost in the current, never fully reaching her ears and it's all because she has no desire to change who she is.
"Welp," she breathes, slapping her hands against her thighs in finality. "It was fun while it lasted, huh?"
Her careless attitude is the last straw, tipping my anger to the boiling point. I can't even pretend to agree or muster up an argument because I know it'd be in vain. So instead, I swing my door open and leave her staring after me through the windshield. I have nothing to say to her anymore.
I feel the dull ache of an emotion I'd rather not acknowledge as it births beneath my chest. My lungs suddenly feel tight and cold, leaving my breathing ragged and shallow. I clear my throat, pushing back my disappointment as I let my heavy feet carry me forward.
I can hear Penny's car door shut behind me, but I've already passed through the gates and into the pool area. I see Clarice and Dillon chatting in the deep end, both of them with their chests pressed against the tiled wall as they rest their forearms on the edge of the pool. They both turn their attention to me when they hear me approach and I force a smile to my lips.
"Where're the goodies?" Clarice asks when she sees my empty hands.
I glance in Penny's direction as she struts toward us with a bag dangling from her hand and tilt my head in her direction. "She's got them."
"Yay, yay, yay," Clarice sings playfully as she quickly pushes herself out of the pool and half tiptoes, half runs her way to where Penny is.
The pool snack bar carries a variety of chips and sweets, but it's pretty pathetic, which is why Penny and I were sent to gather the real goods.
Turning back to Dillon, I find his eyes on me already and I know I've been caught.
"What's up with you?" he questions, scrunching his brow in concern as he reads the anger and hurt that I've tried so hard to hide out of view within the crevices of my smile.
I groan, letting my shoulders drop and my face slacken. "Penny," I grumble, taking a seat on the ground in front of Dillon. It's tricky to lower myself with my fake leg, but I eventually manage.
"Lover's quarrel?" he asks, and though he'd normally find humor in the use of such phrasing, right now he looks serious—almost regretful.
"You could say that," I tell him. "I got a good glimpse of her true self today and I didn't like what I saw." I drop my head down to watch a small ant as it meanders its way across the tiled ground and then tilt my head back up with a questioning dip in my brows. "Why didn't you ever warn me against her? You're the all-knowing Mr. Dillon Cruz. How could you have not known about her?"
Dillon grunts as he pushes himself out of the pool and then scoots himself along the edge until he's angled diagonally from me with one leg dangling in the water. His eyes find mine and he smiles. It's Dillon's signature smile. The one filled with warmth and wisdom—as if he's got all the answers to every question, and yet, he hides his brilliance with a cloak of humility.
"I knew," he tells me, his brows tilted in sympathy. "But I knew how you felt about her. I couldn't just step in and demand you tone down your emotions."
"Yeah, but you never even hinted at the fact that I should stay clear of anything but friendship."
"True," he nods. "Because I knew it wouldn't work. It was something you needed to experience. Had I warned you away from her, your stubbornness would have pushed you closer to her while leaving you resentful towards me."
I want to say something in response, but for the second time today, I find myself speechless. With Penny, it had been because I couldn't find a response to the absurdity of her words, but with Dillon, it's because I know there's no argument to be had. He's right... as always. I needed to experience Penny's darker side for myself or I never would have believed it existed.
"Thanks, man," I say, even though thankfulness is the last emotion I'm feeling at the moment.
I know I'll be grateful later, but right now I'm feeling cheated. Penny had been that girl I'd wanted for so long and then I finally got her but she turned out to be everything I disliked in a person. That's not a realization that a person can just absorb and move on from. I feel like I've just lost someone special to me. The Penny I thought I knew doesn't even exist and that hope of building a bond with her has withered away.
When Clarice and Penny finally make their way over to Dillon and I, our conversation is forced to end. We spend another two hours at the pool, me sitting in a lounge chair while the others jump in and out of the water as they dodge each other's playful splashes and attempts at being dunked.
I'm already dreading the end of the day because I know I'll have to take Penny home. We'd come here together—back when I'd idolized her for being the girl of my dreams—and now we'd leave together as near strangers. Odd how just one moment can alter a person's entire perspective.
When the day does finally come to an end and I have to take Penny home, I make sure to take all the shortest routes there and blast the music to avoid making useless conversation. I know it's childish, but I'm ticked and I'm finding pleasure in rubbing that fact in her face.
"Would you mind coming in with me?" Penny asks once I've pulled to a stop in front of her house. "I've got a couple of your sweatshirts that I need to give back to you."
I blink at her, stunned that she's inviting me inside. Penny's always been tight-lipped about her home life. So much so that she's never even invited Clarice into her house. The fact that she's asking me inside now is baffling.
"Nobody's home," she tells me. "So I'll just run in really quick and grab them. You can just wait at the door if you want."
"Okay," I nod, unlatching my seatbelt and reaching for the door handle.
I'm curious about her home, so rather than linger outside the front door, I step inside and let my eyes sweep over her small living room while she escapes down the side hallway and through a door at the end. There's nothing unusual about her home. It seems pleasant enough, though slightly rundown. The furniture is old and the walls are covered in a floral wallpaper that's yellowing with age, but other than that, the place is tidy and clean.
I hear a car pull into the driveway and I peer out the bay window to see a man and woman exiting their vehicle and making their way toward the house. In all the years I've known Penny, I've actually never met her parents, but that's who I assume they are.
Just as they open the front door, Penny comes down the hallway and I watch in pure fascination as her body freezes in place. A look of wild terror passes over her face before she shakes it off and continues toward me.
When the couple spots me, they too freeze as confusion makes an appearance on both their faces.
"Hi mom. Hi dad," Penny greets, coming to a stop in front of me.
"Who's this?" Mrs. Andrews asks, her eyes scrutinizing me even as her thin lips lift into a smile.
"Jamie," Penny answers quickly as she extends her sweater-filled arms out toward me. I take the items from her before turning to offer a greeting of my own to Penny's parents.
"It's nice to meet you both," I say, receiving a silent nod of acknowledgement from Mr. Andrews.
"And you," the woman agrees, her gaze swinging to Penny for the first time since she and her husband stepped through the door. "This your boyfriend?"
It's not the question that bothers me, but the way she asks it. It's as if the very concept of Penny having a boyfriend is almost shocking to her own mother.
"No," she mumbles, dropping her eyes to the floor as she shuffles her feet. For a moment I'm mesmerized by Penny's meek demeanor. She's typically the bold type. The one not afraid to voice her opinion.
"Figures," her mom chuckles, and though the sound is joyous and warm, the implication of her single-word response is like a punch to the gut. "Maybe if you worked a little harder to impress men, you'd be able to manage a catch like him," she goes on to say, her gaze finding mine as she winks.
My eyes narrow slightly at Mrs. Anderson's bold statement. There's nothing flirty about her behavior. Instead, it feels like she's sharing a secret with me. She wants me to agree with her and laugh it off. But the fact that she just insulted her own daughter rubs me the wrong way and I find myself defending her.
"Are you kidding?" I laugh, making my voice light and playful. "From my perspective, Penny's the real catch."
"Oh?"
I've managed to gain Mrs. Anderson's full attention now. She's clearly surprised by my blatant disagreement with her, and almost appears humored by the fact that I might find her daughter worthy of anyone's attention. Penny won't even glance my direction, her shoulders slumped as she fights to keep her composure. I can see the hurt etched into her face though and it doesn't seem as though my words of encouragement have done anything to help.
I glance behind Mrs. Anderson, hoping to get some backup from Penny's father, but he's fully engaged on his phone. I don't think he's even heard a single word of our conversation.
"Well," Mrs. Anderson says, leaning in toward me and lowering her voice to a whisper. "Get to know her a little better and you might change your mind."
I can only stare in complete horror as I let those words sink in. I've heard of parent's degrading their children. I knew people like this existed. But never have I witnessed such shameless disrespect. I can't—and won't—tolerate it.
"Mrs. Anderson," I say, dropping the faux smile from my lips and replacing it with a blank expression. "It seems to me that you'd actually be the one experiencing a change of heart if you got to know your own daughter."
I'm horrified by the honest words that leave my lips, but I've been through so much in the past few months that I feel as though opportunities can not be waisted. Had I just accepted Mrs. Anderson's words and left without defending my friend, I would have regretted it, and I refuse to live with regret any longer. As much as I don't condone Penny's manipulative side, she's not all bad. Maybe if Mrs. Anderson put a little more effort into respecting her own kid, Penny wouldn't feel the need to fight for affection using deception.
The look on Mrs. Anderson's face is comical. I can almost bet my life on the fact that she's probably never had someone stand up to her before. Even her husband has chosen to hide behind his phone rather than stick up for his own flesh and blood.
It's abuse, really. A form of neglect. Penny lives in a world where she's been pushed into a dark corner of constant submission toward her mother. She can't even be herself around the woman because she's too afraid of being rejected.
For the first time, I'm seeing why Penny is the way that she is. She yearns to be accepted and loved. She craves for the one thing she lacks at home: adoration. She aches for people to see something beautiful in her and the moment that happens, she latches onto that affection and sucks it dry. And, like her mother, she'll tread over others in order to feel important and respected, because school is the only place she's managed to find any respect... even if that respect is built from fear. Unfortunately, I don't think she quite understands that a respect based on fear is no respect at all.
I hold Mrs. Anderson's gaze for a moment longer before offering a full smile. Then, before she can muster up a response, I turn to Penny.
"I'll see you later," I tell her, squeezing her forearm as she gazes at me in stupefied admiration. "Thanks for the sweaters. And again," I say, turning my attention back toward Penny's mom, "nice meeting you." Then I wink—just like she had to me when she'd thought she had the upper hand—and walk out the front door without a backward glance.
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So, chapters will probably be a bit longer from here on out. Hope you don't mind. :p
Anyway, thoughts on Penny? Do you guys kinda feel for her or do you just find her stupid and annoying and bleh! ?