I wake up, in a frenzy of emotions. I feel the tension in the air and it's more than I can bear. I try to do the worksheets left from yesterday, but the disturbance I've been feeling has broken through. "No, things will turn around! No, no! You're wrong this time! Last time this happened the patient died three days later! We need to act now or that little girl is going to go down hill, and fast!" I hear Zoey yell. I have a feeling they're talking about me, but I wait out the feeling of fear and anger. It might not be related to me. Then Zoey and Dr. Ken come in, arguing.
I look back and forth between them, unsure of what to say or do. "W-what's going on?" I ask. Then Dr. Ken turns to me on his heels. "Your stupid nurse says you have a rare cancer, while I know that you have Lukemia that has presented in it's original form and looked similar to Lymphoma. Ignore everything she says. You'll be fine. She doesn't know what she's talking about. I know everything and she knows nothing!" Dr. Ken explains. "Zoey isn't stupid and I'd like to know what she thinks is wrong with me." I defend. Zoey smiles and comes closer to me. "I think you have a very rare blood and bone cancer that manifests in the chest and spreads rapidly. It's often mistaken for Lukemia at first, for it's presence in the blood, but a little later, it presents itself as Lymphoma while remaining in the blood. The only thing is, it's so rare, very few people've heard of it. I have and I recognize all the symptoms. Who do you want to believe?" Zoey explains, pulling out all of her knowledge and proffesionalism.
I feel a pit drop into my stomach. "You. It sounds familar to what I've experienced and the least Dr. Ken could do is consider the diagnosis and do a few more tests, whatever it takes, I don't care. I just want to survive and if I have to do the most random things to figure this out, I will." I say. Dr. Ken groans and submits to what we've said. "We'll do chest x-rays, blood work, CT scans, MRIs, spinal taps, bone marrow tests, we'll analyze several tissue and fluid samples and we'll have our answer to what's really wrong." Dr. Ken says. I bite my lip and nod. Zoey laughs nervously and they both leave to put in orders for all the tests I need. I don't know what I've gotten myself into, but if this is what I'm diagnosed with, I could still have a chance. If I do have this cancer, then I've been getting the wrong treatment all this time and it's just been allowing it all to develop and manefest into the worst thing possible, terminal cancer.
The whole day is a whirlwind of confusing tests and arguing between my care team. It's so confusing and I'm not sure what to think. I transferred here to get better care and less drama, but everything I thought I knew is falling apart at the seams! Zoey and Christine all seem harsher and a lot ruder, but they all have good reason. I think I'm getting good at sensing disturbances and problems because I knew that things were going to go horribly wrong today. I'm getting good at that, but it still catches me by suprise even when I know somethng's about to happen even if I don't know what's actually going to happen. I feel bad for leaving the hosptial and the one person who's been there for me all along. I can't do this to her. She was there for me and I pushed her away. I'm going to transfer back. If I'm going to die, I want to do it around someone who has cared the whole time.
"Dr. Ken, I demand to be transferred back to where I was in the first place. I can't deal with everyone here and I have no one. Let me go back....now!" I say sharply. He gives in and I'm transferred back, but not before he writes down all the results of my tests. I hate the long ride, but I'm glad to be back under the care of the people who've always tried to do what's best for me. I was placed back into my old room and my stuff was put right back where it belongs. Things have happened in the month I've been gone. Penelope came back, Selina was depromoted, then repromoted, Dr. Baker was fired, someone came in to replace her, Amber quit, and things seem to be back on track. It's shocking that so much could happen in thirty days!
I was greeted by Penelope and the new doctor, who's name I still don't know. I smile and greet them all genuinely. I'm glad to be back even if it's not what's best for my cancer. I'm left alone to settle in for a few hours before Selina comes in to do my new intravenous line. "Hey Jasmine." she mutters. "Hi." I say back. She seems disconnected and different. "What's wrong?" I ask softly. "What're you talking about?" she questions me suspicously, desperately trying to take attention off of her. "I'm talking about you not being bubbly, perky, or happy. It's just so...different. I know you well enough to know that there's something wrong. Even after we've been apart a month, I know that there is really something wrong." I answer. She shakes her head, but she's smiling.
"Nothing to worry about. It's just a little stress. Now, can we focus on you and this needle that needs to go in your vein?" she answers. I nod. She quickly does that IV and leaves me alone to think about what she means. She's so confusing. If she really was stressed she would have said that when I asked. I know things are different, but are they really that different? Why am I questioning her? Why did she act so off focus and different? When will she be back to herself? Did I do something to cause this?
I'm not going to question her in my head anymore, next time she comes in my room, I'm going to ask her my questions and get some answers. That might happen a little before I'm ready, though. "Jasmine, how're you doing?" Selina asks quickly, still distracted and seemingly distraught. "No, I need to talk to you, now." I answer. She steps in and closes the door. "Why are things so different? Why are you so off focus and different? Did I do something wrong?" I ask. "Things aren't different, it's just today. I'm off focus for reasons you don't need to know about. It has nothing to do with you!" Selina says quickly. "Whatever." I mumble. She seems slightly taken aback, but I don't care, the way she's been acting, she deserves to have her feelings hurt!
She finishes what she was doing and leaves, without saying another word. I feel a little guilty for what I said, but she's been off all day and I don't have the emotional support I need. I pull out my sketch pad and draw. It's what I usually do when I'm upset, but lately I've been so busy and everyone has been so strict and attentive I haven't had any time to draw like I've wanted to. It feels so good to have a pencil back in my hand. I just love to run it across the paper to make the most fantastic drawings. It's a talent I didn't know I had. I pick up paints and start to paint, in dark monotone colors. I let my colors reflect my mood and right now I feel lonely and annoyed. It's a rose with cuts that are bleeding with several petals falling off. It's the best thing I've ever done. I pin it on the wall and I close my eyes, to block out this cruel world I don't want to be a part of anymore. It's just all too much. I'm sick, alone, and down. I'm stuck in a rut. Everyone says young cancer patients are 'so strong', but I'm not strong. I'm sick of trying to be strong. I feel weak. I can't stay strong anymore. I don't see what makes us so strong, we all have such awful break downs that our care team try to prevent, but fail miserably. It's from staying strong for too long. We just want a normal life, but we can't have it.
Then there is a frenzy of people in my room. "The test results say you have a very rare childhood cancer. We're sorry we didn't catch it sooner. We think it's stage two to three and I know things aren't easy for you. You've had your first dip and rise. We think the next dip will be any day now. We need to regroup and figure out how to treat this." Penelope says. I nod, but I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. I can't believe all this time nobody picked up on this. As soon as all the people finish reviewing the tests with me, what they plan to do, and meeting my doctor everyone rushes out. I am left alone to process everything. I'm only alone for a few more hours when three people come in my room.
"What?" I ask not bothering to open my eyes. "We're going to try a clinical trial that has been tested and if it treats this it's the last thing we can do considering that nomal chemo didn't work. Alright? Good. I'll be right back." Selina says. "Whatever." I mumble, not really listening to what she said. Then she comes back in...with Penelope....and my doctor. "What is it?" I say, sitting up. "I just told you." Selina says. "I didn't listen." I mumble, laying back down and turning away. "Sit up and listen to what we have to say...and do." my doctor, Dr. Cornelius, says. I turn and look at the three people standing by my bed. "Okay, we'll try this trial and see how it goes. It's a series of injections and pills. You take both at the same time of day on the same day, four times a day. I'll leave you alone with your nurses, so they can give you the medicine." Dr. Cornelius says. I groan and look at the other people left. "Okay, Penelope how do you want to do this?" Selina asks. Penelope shrugs and grabs a prescription box. She takes out two pills and a vial of the drug that I'm supposed to be trying.
"Oh my gosh, what are you doing to me?" I groan. "Trying to cure you, now give me your arm." Selina says hurriedly. "Ugh." I say as I let her take my arm in her hand. Penelope hands her the large syringe with a starter dose of the medicine. "Oh, no! No, no, no!!! Don't come near me with that murder weapon! I want to be cured, not killed by a giant needle!!" I yell, panicked. "Woah, woah! Jasmine, calm down. Nothing's going to go wrong! Just relax and let us do our work! Close your eyes and relax." Selina says soothingly. "Tell me before you do it." I say before I close my eyes. "Now." Selina says as I feel a deep pain in my arm. "Ouch, take it out! Take it! I said take it!" I cry. "Almost done. Just relax your muscle and stay calm. Relax, relax, relax." Penelope says quietly. I find her hand and start squeezing it.
I feel so much panic and I just want to...run away. I pull away. "Selina, switch places. You're too sweet to do this and you're better at calming her down." Penelope snaps. "Fine." Selina says bitterly. "Jasmine, you already know what's about to happen, so why don't you tell about the drawing you're working on." Selina says as she picks up my sketch pad. "Don't touch my sketch pad!" I say as I take it from her. "Sure thing." she says as I flip it open to my newest drawing. "Wow, it's....dark." Selina says. "I felt upset because of how you acted that one day you wouldn't tell me what was bothering and I spent four hours doing this. Do you like it?" I ask. Selina nods and I feel Penelope stab me. "Draw another one." Selina says as she hands my pencil. I start to draw a meadow. "That's good. How long have you been drawing?" Selina asks, keeping my mind off the pain in arm. "About four months." I say. Selina looks shocked. "You have a true gift!" she says. I blush and keep listening to her as she looks through my drawings.
"I think we have a child prodigy on our hands." Selina tells Penelope as I feel a bandage put on my arm. Penelope nods and smiles. "Take these and we'll be out your hair." Penelope says as she hands me the pills and a glass of water. I take the pills and cough as they go down. "Good girl. See you in eight hours." Selina says as she puts the medicine in a cabinet. I roll over and massage my arm, it's sore. I fall asleep, thinking about what they said about my drawings. I don't do it for attention or because I'm good. It's an expression of how I feel and it shows everything that has happened. I have only drawn about 16 weeks. Who could be good at 16 weeks of drawing and not even trying to be good? I'm not a prodigy, I'm just someone who expresses pain artistically.