START AT THE END
RUEN
Straining my ears in the club's blaring music, I kept looking for her among the crowd. Still, I couldn't find her; finally deciding she must have gone out, I made my way out of the club too.
I dialed her number and wished she would pick up. I counted each ring: one, two, three until the line went dead. She did not answer my call and I wasn't surprised for even before; she was not one who would answer on the first ring.
Unwanted thoughts barged right trough my head as I tried again. One minute she was drinking, making jokes, and laughing beside me. Then, at the next breath, she put her drink down, got up, and left and did not even bother saying where she was going. Again, I find myself wondering and waiting.
Desperate to confirm that she hadn't left me without a word and a ride home, I made my way to the parking lot to look for her car.
The car was there, but the person I was looking for was not. I walked towards her car to check if she was in it or nearby. When I got closer, I heard two people talking. In the poorly lit parking lot, I had trouble telling if the other woman was indeed my girlfriend.
The headlights of a passing car illuminated the faces of the couple. The moment they did not remain a mystery, my heart received a blow.
Lub dub... lub dub... lub dub...
I found it hard to breathe, and the air remained trapped in my throat. For there, just a few cars from where I was hiding, stood the woman I love together with someone else.
With the woman, she 'loved'?
'Loved'?
Scratch that!
She was with the woman she loves.
She never stopped.
She still loved her.
Should I have just turned away or should I have looked? Self-preservation told me to walk away, but the masochist in me screamed for me to look. I debated against myself and lost. The masochist won over. I braced myself and peeked.
Thud!
Believe me when I thought that maybe—I would have fared better had I walked away. Although my mind tried to deny the scene in front of me, it wouldn't change the reality that shattered me. They were passionately kissing.
Lub dub... lub dub... lub dub...
Not wanting to see more than what I already witnessed, I quietly made my way out of the parking lot. Silently and quickly my feet would carry me, I half walked–half ran back to the entrance of the club.
Lub dub... lub dub... lub dub...
I re-entered the club and walked back to where our companions were. Pretending I was okay was my mission for the remainder of the night. I eased my way back into the group's conversation and joined their easy banter.
Then my vicious mind has started to turn its wheels against me and shouted in its loudest everything that I have long been trying not to hear, not dared to admit and not wanted to accept. I was an intruder, an extra. They were all her friends and not mine.
"Oh, she's back."
I took a long gulp of the drink I was holding before I looked to where she was. She smiled, waved back, and started to make her way to our table—right then and there, my heart started to crack.
She was so beautiful. Her eyes twinkled, and her dimples showed whenever she smiles. I couldn't believe I was so lucky to have been with her for over a year and a half.
Pin!
'No!'
My Pin!
'Not anymore!'
Mine!
'Never was!'
The voice of negativity spoke in full volume, gone off, and lodged a bullet right in my heart.
She sat beside me, "Hey! Miss me?"
"Every second," I said.
A friend beside her pulled her close and said something I could not make out and all the while pointing at her lips.
Then the laughter started.
"Wow, you both left us here to make out outside, didn't you?" Someone from across the table said.
'Make out'?
Yes, she did but not with me!
I just smiled and pulled Pin's face close. Finally, seeing the lipstick smudge at the corner below her lower lip, I began wiping the offending color off her with my bare fingers as gently as my cold shaking hands would allow me.
If they were my friends, they would have known that I was never one to either wear lipstick or heavy make-up for that matter. However, they were–not my friends. They would not know.
If truly Pin loved me, she would not be killing me with eyes twinkling with happiness and smiling at me with lips pressed against someone else's.
Oh, how these lips mocked me.
These lips lying and cheating lips kissed another!
To silence that voice, I removed my fingers, and then my lips claimed hers. Everyone at the table teased and cheered. Those lips that were warm and seeking minutes ago in the parking lot pressed closed and immobile against mine.
'She's imagining kissing her!'
I opened my eyes as she was closing hers. She started kissing me back like the way she must have kissed her.
'I'm not her!'
"Get a room you, guys," said her friend.
I pulled away not because of what she said but because I could no longer bear the thought of Pin thinking of another woman as she was kissing me.
'Stand in!'
My mind was just as cruel as those soft and pliant lips of yours, Pin.
I let my hands fall from her face and smiled at her and everyone else. I took my drink off the table and brought it to my lips.
'Such dirty lying lips!'
'Disinfect!'
I had to, so I chugged the cold stinging mug of beer down my throat.
'Yes, disinfect!'
She laughed and joked with her friends as if she did not do anything to undermine me and diminish my place in her heart—like nothing out of the ordinary happened.
If only you cared, Pin. If you cared, then you would have known that I've drunk much more than my limit.
I laughed and smiled with her and her friends as if I was not figuratively, and literally, dying before them.
I drew her close and asked her if we could go home early.
"Why? The fun's just getting started?" she said.
"Yeah, please don't be a party-pooper, Ruen," added one of her friends.
I looked at Pin, but she just laughed so, I laughed as well. The night drew on, and I was on my seventh or eighth beer—I have lost count. She and her friends merrily chatted, teased each other, and joked around, clearly having a great night.
By the time I finished my drink, she again excused herself. While she went to the ladies' room, I stood to take a call outside.
"Where are you, Ruen? What's with the noise?"
"Hello, Mim... I'm in a club. Why are you calling?"
"I'm in town. I just called in to—wait, what did you just say? You're in a club?"
"Yeah, I'm with my—"
"Did you drink?" Mim sounded alarmed. "How many have you had?"
"Seven? Eight, I suppose."
"Damn! You're not even allowed to drink." She was mad.
"I know. It's just—"
"Where are you? I'm taking you home," that was no question.
Not hearing the rest of what Mim had to say, I ran back inside the club in search of the comfort room as two others were about to walk out of the farthest two stalls. I ran inside the nearest one, closed the door, and vomited my insides out on the toilet bowl.
"Tell me, Pin. Are you and Prim going to get back together again?"
Prim—so that's her name.
"I don't know," replied a voice, I know very well that was yours, Pin.
"What about Ruen?"
'Yeah, what about me, Pin?'
"I don't know," you said.
'You don't know?'
"Do you love her?"
'Did you ever love me, Pin?'
In your silence, a resounding 'No' echoed in my ears.
"Do you still love Prim?"
'Well, you still do. Didn't you, Pin?'
"Yes."
'Yes!'
'You said it without hesitation.'
I clutched my chest as if it would hold out the pain.
'Why, Pin?'
A minute passed as the outside has quietened then I dared to venture out of the cubicle. Good thing you and your friend have already left. I looked at myself in the mirror and did not like what I saw—pale-faced and how disheveled and crooked my bun hair looked. I took my glasses off, washed my face, and dried it with paper towels.
I should never have drunk so much. Now, I feel like everything around me is spinning, and I'm finding it hard to breathe.
Lub dub... lub dub... lub dub...
I let my long hair down and combed it. I always wore it in a bun because I find my waist-length hair too messy and distracting. However, today, just for tonight, I would leave it down. I unbuttoned my dark blue cardigan, folded the sleeves, and unbuttoned my white blouse.
Lub dub... lub dub... lub dub...
It was getting difficult to breathe.
Pin texted me so I had to hurry out because we were going to leave first. She was already waiting by the car. There were five other messages from Mim, too so, I started typing a reply, sent it, and exited the room.
Lub dub... lub dub... lub dub...
I felt my heart is starting to give out. I was finding it too difficult to breathe as I made my way to the parking lot. I couldn't even walk straight. Walking and half-stumbling as I walked towards her car, I congratulated myself for that mini win. I held the handle, opened the passenger door, and sat exhausted at the effort. Pin started the car and waited for me to close the door and buckle up.
However, my hand, so was the rest of my body, was too numb to even move. Pin leaned over me to close the car door and fasten my seat belt for me so we could go.
The ride from the club to the main road was quiet. It was quiet save from the noisy voices in my head and the dying out beatings of my intoxicated heart. I was trying hard to keep breathing in and out—in and out. Being inside a moving vehicle didn't help.
She finally asked, "Are you ok?"
"I've felt worse," I said.
"You don't usually drink." It was a statement, not a question. Something someone usually said to fill the silence so I did not reply. I was too tired and too sick to shrug.
Did you even care, Pin?
You ended me in three easy careless ways tonight.
One ...
When I saw you holding and kissing someone else, you wounded me.
Two ...
With your silence back there, you leveled me.
Three ...
When you said 'yes', you ended me.
We were close to my house my I unexpectedly said, "I love you, Pin."
As Pin was parking in front of my home, I saw Mim carrying my luggage towards her car, which was across Pin's.
"Let's break up," I said as she turned her car's engine off.
One!
"What?" She asked.
For the wound caused when you held and kissed someone else...
"Let's break up" I repeated though I knew she clearly heard me the first time. For the first time in a very long time, I finally got her to really stop and look at me. I was proud.
Two!
"I—I don't under—" she stammered and stopped.
For throwing my love away... for throwing me away when you chose not to speak...
She looked at me dumbfounded and at a loss for words. I stepped out of the car as she did the same. Her gaze never left me as I walked to her side. For a year and a half, this has been a record-breaking moment. I finally got her to look at me as if she's seeing me for the first time.
I raised my hand to her face and pulled her down. Pin stood taller than I did. With her heels on and even if I had her bending closer, I still had to stand on tipped toes as I pulled her in for a long and gentle kiss.
I opened my eyes and saw her lovely eyes looking back at me. It felt good knowing she had her eyes open. It meant she was not imagining kissing Prim.
Look at me, Pin.
I pulled away as she straightened up. Still, her confused eyes locked on mine but her lips were downturned in sadness.
"Don't—" She tried to speak again.
"Let's break up, Pin," I said with a smile.
Three.
"No!" She screamed.
For the finishing blow delivered—when you said 'Yes'
"Ruen!" Mim called me from across the lot.
This was when Pin finally noticed her. She looked at Mim holding a smaller bag and looked back at me. I smiled at her and turned to where Mim was.
Walking towards my friend with wobbly legs and blurry vision, I fought against my heart that feels as if it's about to give out. Mim put the bag at the back, closed the door, and opened the passenger door for me. She walked to the driver's side as I made my way to the open door. In the span of seconds, I couldn't tell, but Pin stood in front of me as I held on to the car door.
"Stay with me," pleadingly, she said.
"Please stay."
"Why?" I asked.
"I... I..."
'Say you love me...'
"What?" I wanted her to make me stay.
'Tell me you love me, please!'
"I... Ruen..."
'Say it!'
'Even if it's a lie, I'll take it and never leave.'
"Please stay," she repeated as she held my hand.
I smiled and wriggled free from her grasp. I got inside the car, closed the door, and locked it. I whispered, "Too bad you can't even lie and say you love me."
Mim closed the windows, looked at me, and reached for my face. Feeling how cold I was, she turned the heater on.
"You're too pale and cold. We have to get you to the nearest hospital." My reliable Mim was always taking care of me.
I smiled and closed my eyes. Finally, I slumped against my seat and allowed myself to feel the pain in my chest.
"Not even the doctor will be able to do any good to me right now."