We head to dinner after a few more hours of training. Shawn and Trish talk about what they learned, and then end up racing each other to the cafeteria. Beast and I are left laughing. Well, he is laughing, I'm smiling at their childish ways. There's still a long walk to the cafeteria, and that means a walk alone with Beast. Great.
"How do you do it?" He asks me.
"What?" I respond softly.
"You ability, how does it work?" I look at him confused, and he pulls his hands out of his pockets and he tries to explain his question. "You can react to things so quickly, is your power like an instinct base one?" I nod, because it's somewhat true. My eyesight is second nature to me. "Is it like a sensing kind of thing?" I smile and nod. "Can you just tell me?" I shake my head, I like the way he looks when he's guessing. His brown eyes look alive with thoughts. "Come on, why not tell me?"
"I can't trust you."
"Can't trust me?" he jokingly scoffs, "I do recall saving you from a crazy gunman and a violent jerk."
"True, but I can't trust someone when I don't even know their name," I say with a smile. I'm surprised at the length and smoothness I'm talking at. This doesn't happen often, especially with a guy.
"My name is Beast," he claims.
"What's your real name?"
He stops, "How about a deal, I'll tell you my name if you tell me your power."
"Sound fair, you first."
He smile and says, "I asked you first."
I smile, "Come on, don't be such a child."
"I'm older than you."
I pause and let the memory of when I first told someone else my ability. It was my first friend. We knew each other from school, and she and I were really close for two years. It's actually a funny story how we first met, but I'll tell that later if I ever get the time. Long story short, I told her I had an ability.
She never spoke to me again. Why would she? I was a freak. I still am.
When John found out about how I lost my friend, he wouldn't let me hear the end of it. He called me names I don't even want to remember as he beat me that night.
"Zoe?" Beast leans down to make eye contact with me. I look down again and back away. "Everything okay?" He takes a small step forward, but I back up quickly.
"Sorry..." I turn around blinking away my tears -another habit credited to my stepfather- and I walk away.
"Zoe," Beast grabs my wrist tightly to keep me from walking away. I struggle to get my wrist from his grip. "Zoe, you can talk to me."
"Let go," I say, too frightened to say anything else.
He releases his grip and steps away, "Sorry I didn't mean..."
I nod my head, and turn my back to him. Holding my wrist, I walk away.
Someone opens the training room door gently. It's been about fifteen minutes, and I was hoping none of them would come in to find me. They are wasting their dinner time, and for me? It's not worth it, I'm not someone they should think about. "Zoe? You in here?"
I recognize Trish's voice, but I don't say anything. She must have a feeling I'm here, because she walks in and looks around. She spots my shoe in the area I'm sitting.
"Zoe," she says softly. She walks over and sits beside me, not too close, but not too far. I curl my legs up in front of me, and hold the wrist Beast grabbed. It was already sore from Flame, now it's just annoying me with pain. Trish says, "He doesn't know his own strength. You shouldn't blame him." He left finger marks where he grabbed my wrist, but I try to not show Trish. I know she'll get worried and she'll want to have my wrist looked at. "He didn't mean to hurt you, I promise."
"I know," I say softly. I guess me warming up to my group would be harder than I wanted it to be.
"Why'd you run away then? He feels really bad, and he's really sorry."
"I know."
Trish scoots towards me, "Can I ask you a question?" I nod my head and she turns to face me, "Why are you scared of him? Of Flame, of people? Why don't you speak up when you need to?"
I tense up and bring my knees closer into my chest than they already are. I don't like it when people ask personal questions. Why can't they leave me alone?
"Zoe, I consider you my friend. I want to get closer to you. So does Beast, and Shawn. But we can't unless you tell us what happened in your past."
I don't want to be closer. Closer means more pain in the long run. If I'm close to someone, then that means they know my past, and they can use it against me. I don't want close. "Can't we just leave the past in the past?"
"No, not this time. Please, just share and then we can lock it away once you're done."
"I'd really rather leave it locked away right now," I stand and start to walk to the door.
"Zoe, if it's something you are embarrassed about..."
I look back at her incredulously. What is she referring too?
"Whatever it is, we won't judge. We'll look at you the same," Trish stands, "Zoe please, we just want to help."
"Help?" I ask.
"Yes, you share your story, and we'll-"
"You'll help," I laugh, "What exactly can you do? There's nothing. You can't change the past, so just leave it." I say sharply, then immediately regret it. I've never spoken to someone like that, it's disrespectful. I start to apologize but Trish cuts me off.
"Zoe it's obviously not just the past," Trish stands. I look at her to continue, "You relive it constantly. Don't think I haven't noticed all the nightmares you've had every night. All of them end with you crying. Every time someone gets physically close to you, you tense up like they're going to hurt you." Trish moves to me, "Stop saying it's in the past, because you know it isn't."
I look away not wanting to talk anymore. Trish's words get harsher with every sentence. I know she just cares for me, but she's failing to realize I don't connect to care. It isn't an area I'm familiar with, and don't think I ever will be. I turn around again and continue to walk to the door.
"So that's it?" I stop, "I spill my guts to you and you can't even respond?"
Spilling your guts to me? Talking about your feelings towards me isn't close to telling the story of my freaking life, Trish. The insecurity levels aren't jumping distance, their different islands with miles in between. I move to open the door when it opens from the other side.
"Trish are you in here? Was Zo-" Beast rushes in and runs into me. I fall back and gasp. He hit my shoulder hard. "Zoe, I'm...crap...I'm sorry."
I get up and rush out. I hear him calling to me but I don't look back.
As the voices fade, my footsteps become the only thing I can hear other than my sniffling. Crying is not worth it. The sniffling just gets so annoying.
I wipe my blurry eyes and accidentally run into someone. I'm about to apologize when I realize I didn't actually bump into him.
I went through him. I look up and see he's staring at me. "What, you one of the few that felt my presence?"
I look at him confused.
"Ooooooo, I'm the mysterious cold spot in the hallwayyyyy," he says mimicking a ghost.
"Excuse me?"
He backs up, "You-you can hear me?"
"And see you, that's not normal?"
He smiles, "Hi, oh my gosh, I'm Marcus." He waves.
"Zoey," I say, determined to have one person call me by my real name.
"This is crazy, even the best sensors could hardly even locate me," He seems genuinely happy.
"Who are you exactly?"
"Oh, I'm the compound ghost," He laughs, "Looks like my power of healing worked too well."
"You're a ghost?"
"Yes, the only one you'll probably ever meet," He smiles again, like he's proud he's ignored by everyone.
"Well it was nice meeting you but-"
"Is everything okay?"
"Excuse me?"
"You have tears running down your cheeks. I would help but I not good with solid things."
I wipe them quickly and say softly, "Sorry, I just want to be alone right now."
"Alright, whatever works for you. I roam these halls frequently, so if you ever want an imaginary friend, I'm here."
I smile at his silly offer. "Thank, Marcus." He nods and starts to walk silently away. "Wait," I find myself saying. He looks back, "You must be incredibly bored, not having anyone to talk to. I'm not much of a talker, but I'd sure love to have something get my mind off of..." I trail off not really knowing what to say.
He smiles brightly for a slightly transparent person. "You want company?" I nod. He disappears then reappears beside me. "I'm rusty, but I've been dreaming of company for years."
We start walking and I ask, "How old are you?"
"Well, I go by the age I died at, sixteen. That's the year my life stopped, so I don't think I ever got mentally older, or physically I guess."
I nod, "How'd you die? If that's not like a personal question."
"Raven squad attacked mine on a mission. I was the only causality, but they didn't know I was still there...just not living. I came home with them and no one could see me. I was the sensor in my group, so I figured if I went to the other sensing people, one of them could feel me."
"None did?"
"Nope, not a single one," he's face darkens, like he's reliving the memory. "After a year or so, I ran into a new Omega trainee. She turned around and looked right at me telling me it was rude to walk through people. I realize then she could hear me, see me, talk to me. I was beyond happy."
"Who was this?" I ask already knowing who.
"She went by the name Jen at the time. She was younger, thirteen or fourteen. We talked a lot throughout the years. When she graduated and became a trainer she started going by the name 'Vision' since her ability was in her eyesight. She was amazing, I mean try being able to see someone's ability flowing in their body."
I laugh.
"She was really nice to. She always would let me sit in on her training. After all the kids left we would talk for hours." He looks down. "She was my best friend as far as I was concerned."
"What happened to her?"
"I think you know," He looks at me with a sad smile.
"How would I know?"
"I'm guessing she was your mother?" I stop walking. "Come on I'm dead, not stupid. She was the only one to see me, and now here comes you, one other that can see me. Plus she mentioned a daughter in one conversation we had."
"She mentioned me?"
"Yeah, I don't really remember the context of the conversation, just that she mentioned a daughter she had one night after all her students left for dinner." We continue walking.
"I was only five when she died. All I remember is her long brown hair, and her living green eyes."
"You may not have her hair," he says as he point to my bleach blonde, almost white hair that's in a tight bun on my head, "but you have her eyes." I smile looking down, "Oh, and her smile." I laugh.
"Zoe? Hello! Zoe?" Trish's voice rings in the halls.
"Zoe?" Marcus turns to me, "You said your name was Zoey."
"My group decided that the 'y' didn't matter. My name here is apparently Zoe, but I want it to be Zoey. That's why I told you that."
"Well Zoe...y, you should know that this isn't your past. You should consider this place a new start, a new beginning. Your past name is Zoey, but here you are known as Zoe." Marcus winks, "You should get back to your friends, they seem worried."
"Thanks Marcus," I say, actually meaning it for the first time in awhile.
"I'll see you around," He waves then disappears.
"Zoe! There you are," Trish stops in the hallway behind me. "Who were you talking to?"
It dawns on me, I was actually talking to someone like a normal person. Okay yeah, he might have been a ghost that hadn't talked to anyone in a little under ten years, but still. That's big for me. I never would have done that at home. Maybe this place is a new beginning for me. Maybe the name Zoe is just growing on me. "No one, just thinking out loud."
"Hey, we have got to talk."
"I know, I'm sorry."
Trish takes a step back, "Sorry? Zoe, I understand that the past is painful to remember, but you have to share it. You need to overcome it, not lock it away."
"I need to let the past be the past, Trish. I'll get over it in my own way." I walk by her, not wanting to get into this argument again. Marcus got me in a good mood and now Trish is killing it.
"You don't have to go through it alone!" She yells.
I continue walking.
"Zoe?"
I turn a hallway.
"Zoey!"
I stop.
She catches up to me. "Never walk away from me." I turn around, suddenly feeling a memory coming back. One night I didn't want to be a punching bag. I just walked away, and he said those same exact words, except with his fist helping him prove his point.
I cross my arms, trying to hide the shaking in my hands. "How were you raised?"
"Excuse me?"
"I'm sure you probably had a good mom, yes? A nice, hard working father?" Trish's shocked expression is followed by a nod. "Whenever you had a problem, you would always go to them, and you guys would have heart to hearts, and cry on each other's shoulder. You guys would go through it together, am I correct?"
"Well yeah, but every family-"
"Every family, Trish. Every family had each other's back."
She scoffs, "So what, you saying you didn't have a family? Everyone does! They help you through things because they love you. How come you don't know that?"
I put my hands up in a sarcastic apology way, "I'm sorry, I never really understood the sense of family you're talking about."
"And why's that?"
"Because—" I catch myself before I say something I'll regret. My life story will not be shared in a stupid heart to heart. "Forget it."
"Forget it? Try taking your own advice!" Trish yells at me.
"Well you aren't making that easy for me," I say my voice a little raised.
"Oh it's my fault you can't forget?"
"This is a new start for me, Trish. I don't want to go back to what my life was, because I don't think it's considered a life. I have a better chance at fitting in if you just forget with me."
Trish laughs, "No."
"No?"
"No, I'm not going to let you burry these memories like that."
"Well there's the difference in how we were raised."
"What?"
"You were taught to express yourself, to talk. You were raised to fight when someone insults you. You were-"
"Stop telling me my life story!" Trish yells harshly. "Yeah my life seems good, but there were are some bad memories. My father worked so much that he forgot about me. Since I'm a single child, things get lonely. And my mother always stressed the goal for learning my abilities. That's why I was sent here. She doesn't care about me, she cares about my powers. Well you know what?" Trish is bitter, and she has no right, "I don't care about her. She lost my love when she sent me here."
At least your mother is alive! I yell mentally inside my head. No matter how much I want to scream at Trish for not appreciating the life she has, I won't. Deep down I understand that for her, that's the worse she's experienced. Her mother was there to tell her how to work on her powers, but that's all she focused on. I guess that would get annoying. She knew who her father was, and she couldn't change that. At least for me I can dream up the hero I always thought he was. I don't have that limitation. It's a different kind of loneliness when you have a sibling and they leave you, but I'm sure the constant feeling of being alone probably has it's effects.
Trish looks down, "You're just going to stand there and zone out?" she scoffs, "I just told you a little of my story, why can't you tell me some of yours?"
I look at her, "I'm sorry you were raised in a family that didn't appreciate you, I know how that feels but-"
"You know how that feels? Really? I'm sure you are probably just faking this. You must have had a perfect life, with a wonderful mom that loved you for you." Trish bitterly continues, "I think you probably had a dad that would come home and-" beat me? "give you the biggest smile and run and give you a hug. He probably was tall and handsome and just a great guy overall-" I wouldn't know "and you just don't want to admit that. You're just a snotty little brat. You have no right to talk to me like you had it worse," Trish tenses and adds, "I wish you weren't even in our group!"
She rushes at me and pushes me to the ground. She towers over me with a tight fist. She connects just before Beast rips her off me. He pushes her away from me and Trish runs off. Shawn, who just appears behind Beast runs after her. Beast looks at me and says, "Are you okay?"
"Fine."
"Sorry, she can get like that. She doesn't mean it—"
"It's fine, we all have our emotional outbursts." I say rubbing my cheek a little. I'm surprised I only got away with one punch. Beast throws out a hand and helps me up.
"Sure, like your shell can ever crack."
"It's been tested before."
"That person must have been annoying," Beast tries to joke around. I smile with my lips closed and Beast walks to me. "Listen," his voice lowers, "I understand your view in wanting the past to be in the past. I won't ask you, and I'll tell the other two. Just so it's out there, you can talk to us whenever you feel you can. No rush, no pressure. We're here, just please see that."
"I do, thanks."
"Well, I've got to go calm Trish down, again sorry for what she said... and did." He gently touches my shoulder and smiles kindly.
I wave it off as he runs away. I didn't flinch when he touched me, not even a little.