"I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I'm going to be is incomplete"
-Backstreet Boys
*
A part of me still couldn't accept my real feelings for Toby. Maybe it was my fear, maybe my logical mind, I had no idea, but I felt so unsure about myself and the situation. We were friends, and this could have changed everything... especially because I didn't know whether he felt the same way or not, regardless of what Felicity - or my heart - said.
As the weeks passed, the two of us went back to work and restarted our daily lives as much normally as possible. I stayed in touch with Sebastian and we actually met a couple of times to have a drink after work, but I hadn't heard from Toby yet. Sebastian told me that he would hardly come to their office but was apparently very busy, he even had long meetings with Mr. Pierce himself.
"Only God knows what they're plotting" Sebastian had commented once.
I kept on painting and most of my artworks included starry skies, representing Toby's eyes full of stars. Whatever I was feeling, he was my biggest inspiration and my art couldn't be stopped by such things as disappointment, sadness and anger... actually, while my positive feelings were the ones creating the ideas in my mind, pushing me to fulfil them, these darker feelings gave energy to my hand, moved my arm and chose the colors to use. By mid September, my bedroom was fool of canvases!
"You should try and sell some of them" Felicity suggested, examining a small canvas picturing a pink and orange dusk.
"I need to create a website for that" I mumbled, cleaning my brushes. "I'll ask Sebastian to help me."
"I'd love to buy this for Christine's birthday" Felicity added. Christine was her four-year-old niece, Ben's daughter. She looked at me. "How much is it?"
I shrugged. "I... have no idea" I laughed. "You buy substantial take away food for dinner and we are good. What do you think?"
"Deal" Felicity agreed and we high-fived.
My mobile phone rang and I took it out of my jeans pocket. I gasped. It was Toby.
Felicity saw the display, looked at me, gave me a smile of encouragement and got out of my room, closing the door behind her.
I took a deep breath, sat on my bed and I answered the call. "Hello?"
"Hi" his soft voice replied. "What's up?"
"I'm fine" I breathed. "What about you? It's been so long..."
"Yeah" he said. "I'm sorry, I--"
"You have been busy, I know" I interrupted, not without a little bit of sarcasm.
He sighed. "I hoped I could make up for that. Would you like to come over for a tea?"
I glanced at the clock on my night table. It was 2 o'clock. "Okay, just give me the time to take the bus."
"I have got a car now. Picking you up in one hour, okay?"
***
Toby pulled over in front of my house building. His car was black, big, looking extremely expensive and new. Once that I got inside I found out it also smelled like new.
I looked at Toby, almost holding my breath. His hair was pulled behind his ears, he was wearing sunglasses and a green t-shirt with short sleeves that showed a big black star tattoo. He smiled, but I couldn't say how deep that smile really was, because Toby was one of those persons who fully smiled only using their eyes too, which were invisible to me at the moment. As much invisible as many other things about him, about us, that, before that night in his house, I hadn't suspected they could even exist.
"Hey" he said, touching lightly my arm. "It's good to see you."
I simply smiled, trying to see through his sunglasses, but when I realized that his eyes would have hopelessly remained hidden, I gave up and looked away.
We had small talk during the ride and I couldn't look at him again all along. When we arrived, I noticed that his house was in better conditions than the first and last time I had visited it. Bags and boxes were still around, but the walls were filled with pictures and pieces of design and now there was furniture too.
"Wow" I commented. "You have made giant strides with your relocation!"
Toby removed his sunglasses and dropped them on the kitchen counter. "Thank you" he said. "I'm slowing managing to make this place look exactly the way I planned." He leaned against that counter and looked at me, I automatically took a step back, overwhelmed by the weight of his look. "So, there was something you wanted to show me, right?"
I froze for a moment, before realizing he was talking about my artworks. "Oh" I murmured, taking my mobile phone out of my purse. "Yes, here it is."
He got closer to me and I shivered a little bit when I felt his heat. I nervously opened the pictures I had taken of all my artworks and showed them to him. He grabbed my phone and, like Sebastian, scrolled through the images with eyes wide open in amazement.
"Let me guess" he smiled, "is this what you did last summer to be proud of yourself?" I nodded. "Lily, you are incredibly talented!"
"Really?" I was beyond happy and touched to hear this compliment. "Thank you."
He kept on scrolling through the pictures, stopping a longer time every now and then to observe some, until he raised his head and looked at me. "I am really impressed" he whispered. "You should keep pursuing your creativity."
My eyes locked with his amber ones, trying to find the stars in them. "I found a reason to do so" I breathed.
We stood like that, eyes to eyes, heavily breathing in silence, for the longest time, until Toby looked away and gave me my phone back. He took a deep breath and put his hands in his pockets. "Well, would you like to take the tea to go and have a walk together in the Shepherd's Bush Market? It's an amazing sunny day."
I blinked, a bit taken aback of this proposal. But I managed to regain control in a few seconds. "Oh, yes, why not?"
He grinned, grabbed his sunglasses and guided me to the front door. I stopped when I caught something at the corner of my eye, I turned my head in that direction and I found myself looking at a big framed picture of Toby with a little boy around the age of four or five in his arms. He looked just like him, the same eyes and smile, although his hair was of a lighter brown than Toby's. My heart skipped a beat for how much cute he was.
"Is that your son?" I asked, getting closer to observe the photo better.
"Yes" he replied. "It's the most recent photo I have got of the two of us together. We took it last time I visited him in the US."
"He looks so much like you" I commented. "What's his name?"
"Robert." He pronounced it like it was music, with love. "After my father. He doesn't look like me, he looks and talks and behaves like him, I swear." He sighed. "Sometimes I believe that my father returned to life through him to give us a second chance."
I looked at him and smiled. "You miss both of them very much, don't you? Your father and Robert."
Toby swallowed, looking quite sad. "Maybe I haven't been a good son, but I'm working hard on being a good father."
I faced him and took his hand. "I'm sure that Little Robert knows and is happy with it."
"Thank you" he breathed, his fingers intertwining with mine.
I would have loved to stay like this forever, but, once again, he looked away and left my hand to unlock the door and let me out.
It was indeed a beautiful day and we headed to the Shepherd's Bush Market enjoying the sun and the voices and sounds that filled the streets. Toby was still hidden behind his sunglasses, but I guessed it was just because of the brightness all around us, that was quite uncommon in England, even in summertime.
We bought our tea to go and entered the market a few minutes later. Drinking the tea was quite an useful distraction for me, as I was still nervous. I wouldn't dare to say a word unless Toby spoke first, so we eventually fell in another round of small talk while walking by the shops and the stands.
"So, what are your working on that it's keeping you this busy lately?" I asked, admiring some colored fabrics displayed on a stand.
"Well, we... I am basically creating a big project that would change the concept of Mr. Pierce's designs forever. We've had a couple of long meetings about this, but I have the impression that he isn't interested."
"It sounds like something really big" I commented. An idea popped into my mind. "You should talk about it to Sebastian. Maybe he could convince Mr. Pierce to give you a chance. He trusts him so much."
Toby glanced at me and took a sip of tea. "Sebastian and I haven't exchanged a word ever since your accident, Lily."
"Come on!" I exclaimed. "This is so ridiculous! I am fine, you two are long-time best friends and there's not a real reason to cut ties!"
"He said--"
"I know what he said" I interrupted. "But sometimes people don't mean what they say, in these cases. I'm sure you can relate."
In my mind, I heard Sebastian's voice saying "Toby is the best man I ever met. Of course I miss him." It was enough for me to hope that the two of them loved each other enough to fix their friendship.
He sighed, finished his tea and threw the empty paper cup in the nearest trash. I did the same. "You are right" he said, hands in his pockets again. "I will follow your advice and talk to him." He cleared his voice. "I know you guys recently hung out together."
I frowned, wondering who could have ever seen us outside the office building and told him. "Yes we did, actually" I replied, toneless. "We cleared up that we can be just friends and moved on. We are much happier and more comfortable with each other now."
Toby stopped walking and I, already a few steps ahead of him, turned around to see him looking at me with no sunglasses covering his eyes. "So are you two just friends now?" he asked.
I nodded. "I care about Sebastian very much" I said, facing him, my heart pounding. "I may have loved him once, but my memory loss changed me. The person I am now doesn't have the same feelings as before... and will never have them in the future."
I tried to say with my eyes what my mouth just left unsaid. We stood like that for a long time, one in front of the other, in silence, surrounded by passers-by, sounds and smells of the market. I didn't know if Toby ever understood the meaning of my words, because he just wore his sunglasses again, smiled, took me by the hand and said "Come on, I want to show you a place you will love to see!"
I had no time to react promptly, because he literally pulled me in the middle of the crowded street and dragged me with such an enthusiasm that reminded me of a little boy in an amusement park. I stepped on multiple people's toes and hit as many shoulders, I repeated "I'm sorry" countless times until we stopped.
"I had no idea that you could paint" Toby said, pulling me towards himself, away from the crowd. "Otherwise I would have brought you here a while sooner."
He indicated the nearest store... which was a paint shop. Still holding my hand, he pulled me inside the shop and we were welcomed by a nice elderly man who seemed to have already met Toby before.
"Mr. Reynolds! It's so good to see you!" he said, shaking Toby's hand over his desk. "If you came here for your order--"
"No, it's not for that, Mr. Ross, thanks. I brought here my friend" he indicated me with his free hand "to show her your shop. She is a talented painter, you know."
"Oh, quite marvellous!" Mr. Ross exclaimed, smiling. "You are very welcome here, my dear. Feel free to have a look around. I'd be honored if a friend of Mr. Reynolds will choose my items for their art."
"Thank you" I smiled.
"I'll show you around" Toby said.
He left my hand, making me feel a bit lost, but he was still by my side, enthusiastically showing me the shelves filled with all kind of paints, brushes, canvases and such. When I told him that I actually graduated in Art and that I loved using watercolors, he even asked me for advices, because he believed that they could be useful for his new projects. "I'm an architect, but sometimes I realize I need the eyes of a true artist to see the whole picture better" he stated. "By the way, I think that you should try pastels too." He handed me a box of an excellent brand of pastels. "Judging from the kind of artworks you make, I think you'd be satisfied with what they are capable to do."
"Thank you" I said, putting the box in my small cart. I cleared my throat. "Toby, why did you take me here?" I had to ask this, because I couldn't help to feel quite uncomfortable. And I just couldn't accept to feel this way with Toby.
He seemed not impressed with my question, though. "Oh, this is the best paint shop in London" he said, examining some brushes. "Imagine something you need for your artistic projects and they have it for sure, or at least they can get it for you." He noticed that I still didn't understand and stopped. "After seeing your artworks, I thought this was the right place to take you to, that's all."
"Okay" I whispered, unable to look at him. I knew that there was something more, something he wouldn't tell me.
"I needed to make amend for having been a crappy friend to you lately, Lily" he explained. "You know that my priority will always be to make you happy."
I glanced at him and, still doubtful, all I could respond was "I know. Now I think I'll go to pay for this stuff." I lifted the cart to indicate the items inside.
"Oh" he said. "Of course."
We went back to the shop entrance and chatted with Mr. Ross as he prepared my items for the payment. Then, Toby's mobile phone rang.
"I have to take this" he said to me. "I'll be back in five minutes."
He rushed outside to pick up the call. Two minutes later I paid, thanked and said goodbye to Mr. Ross. I went outside with my bag full of new tools to create my art.
I looked around, but Toby was nowhere to be seen. The market was really crowded now and it was hard to spot someone in particular there. After a couple minutes of light panic, my eyes finally caught the sight of a green t-shirt down the street. There he was. I started walking towards him, wondering why he should have gone so far away to answer the phone. Then I stopped dead when I noticed that, in fact, he was neither talking on the phone nor alone.
A blonde woman wearing a long floral white sundress and golden high heels was laughing together with Toby under the bright sun. Seconds later, she took a step towards him, wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him. He kissed her back smiling, sunglasses on, his hands on her waist. It didn't look like a first kiss. There was intimacy.
The world around me suddenly came to a stop, becoming silent, and my mouth was the only thing that seemed capable to move. When I pronounced a name from nowhere, a voice in my head was telling me that it belonged to someone I didn't know I had forgotten.
"Amanda..."
Something violently exploded inside of me and I fell to my knees in pain, struggling to breathe.
My eyes, still fixed on Toby and Amanda kissing, became intermittently blind and my mind started to show me images. Images of me, of Toby, of Sebastian, of Felicity, of Amanda. Scenes from a life I thought I had forgotten for good, feelings of the past, feelings I still was feeling, all mixed together. I was remembering everything. Every word, every smile, every kiss, every thought. Forgotten memories and new memories were overwhelming me like a waterfall, leaving me breathless, cold and kind of broken.
I didn't know how long I stayed down on my knees in the middle of the street, looking lost and armed, but when I regained lucidity, there was a small crowd of people around me, asking if I was alright and helping me to stand up. I looked at them without actually seeing them, still trying hard to breathe normally, unable to speak.
The waterfall of memories had stopped and in my mind everything was in place now. But the feeling of being cold and broken intensified so much that it became painful. I clearly remembered that when my head had hit the edge of the fountain I had thought that it was the sharpest pain ever.
I was so wrong.
I burst into tears and ran away, leaving the bag full of artistic items on the pavement.