"Someone has changed me, something has saved me
Now this is who I am
Although I was blinded, my heart let me find that
Truth makes a better man"
-The Calling
*
Sebastian called me asking if I we could meet in Budleigh Salterton the following week before he left for Calais. At first, I said no, I had no intention to listen to him talking shit about Toby and begging me to be his girlfriend again. But he later convinced me to say yes. In spite of my disapproval of his behaviour, there was definitely something pushing me to care for him, maybe the feelings I once had for him.
He was about to arrive, I was waiting for him on the terrace, drinking ice tea and sketching on a pad. Felicity and Sherlock were at the beach, hopefully having fun in the water together.
"Hey, Lily" his voice came.
I turned around and when I saw him I found myself smiling. He looked as handsome as ever.
"Sebastian!"
I got up and gently wrapped my arms around his neck. He was surprised but, when he hugged me back, I felt his arms and hands touching me like I was the porcelain doll Mrs. Clara/Mrs. Jennings believed that I was. His grip was also strong and protective, saying "I love you" out loud.
"You look great!" he smiled, looking at me from head to toe.
"Thank you!" I made him sit down with me. "Would you like something to drink? It must have been a long trip from London!"
Sebastian nodded, stopped one of the waitresses and ordered a soda, that was served to him one minute later.
"It's nice here" he commented, then sighed, deciding that the time for small talk was up. "Lily, forgive me for my behaviour of last time we met. I was just very angry and upset--"
He couldn't prevent himself from apologizing all the time, it seemed.
I shook my head and touched his arm. "I understand, Sebastian. There's no need to apologize."
Sebastian glanced at me. "Your accident has literally turned my world upside down..."
"Yeah, I can see what you mean."
His hazel eyes widened, like he just realized he had said something wrong. "I don't mean that mine was a worse experience than yours, of course. It was a terrible accident for you and I still can't forgive myself for having let it happen."
"I don't remember the way you were before my accident, but I can tell that you have been the one affected the most by it. I partially lost my memory, but you lost me... all of me... it's so heartbreaking."
"Yeah, it's true." Sebastian briefly smiled and took a sip of his soda. "Have I ever told you that I changed when I met you?" he whispered. "I used to be so uncaring. All I could think about were my job, my cars and... my collection of beautiful women."
"Oh" I breathed, quite surprised. "So you were one of those guys..."
He nodded. "I was literally obsessed with my ambitions and women. My last girlfriend, Natalie, dumped me because I wouldn't marry her."
"Why wouldn't you?"
He shrugged. "I wasn't ready to commit myself to only one person. I just couldn't picture myself doing it. I was not anything like Toby, you know." Those words sent shivers down my spine, but I didn't comment or even blink. "And... I might have cheated on Natalie... and all my ex-girlfriends... once or twice." He cleared his throat, embarrassed. "Something that I'm not proud of at all."
My eyes narrowed. "Did you cheat on me too, by any chance?"
"No" he immediately replied. "You were different. My feelings for you were different. You really changed me."
I drank my ice tea, that was now warming under the hot sun. "I'm curious to know how I did it."
Sebastian took a deep breath and sat back. "Maybe it was the way you looked at me. Like you were seeing a man better than I thought I could ever be. I suddenly found myself wanting to be that man for you. To make you proud of me. It sounds crazy, I know..."
I glanced at my sketchpad, instantly realizing what Sebastian was talking about. You just crave to be the best version of yourself not to disappoint someone you care about.
Sebastian interrupted my thoughts asking "What's that?", pointing at the pad.
"I was making some sketches" I replied, taking it in my hands. "I recently started drawing and painting again."
"Can I see it?"
I handed it to him and he scrolled through its pages, contemplating every sketch in astonishment. "Wow" he commented after a while. "Little did I know that you were so talented in drawing, Lily."
"Let's say that I have been hiding it for a long time" I shrugged.
"I love your sketches" he said, giving me the pad back. "I'm looking forward to see more from you."
"You will" I smiled. "Very soon."
***
The two of us were having a walk on the beach at sunset. Most of the people were gone and we were surrounded by the sea, the sand, the sunlight and the wind.
Sebastian opened up about himself to me, more than he did during that dinner at my house. He was a very interesting man and I just couldn't believe that he used to be something less than polite, charming, wise. Again, I saw the reasons why I had fallen in love with him in the first place.
In spite of the strengths of his character, I could not forget what happened between him and Toby, though. I was curious to hear his truth.
"May I ask you what's really the matter with you and Toby?" I asked, my shoes and sketchpad in one hand and the fingers of the other one moving a lock of my hair behind a ear. "You have been best friends for years, why ruining what you had?"
He shrugged, hands in his pockets, sunglasses covering his eyes. "I have made mistakes with him, but I didn't mean to hate him or say bad things. He's just... changed and I didn't know how to react."
"Changed? How?"
"I have no idea. Back in high school he was so funny and smart, he would have done anything for his family, me and Daisy and to make his dream of becoming an architect come true. Then, to pursue that dream he left me and his family and moved to the US, just like that. Now he comes back, leaving Daisy and the kid behind, and all he cares about is working on his own and flirting with my girlfriend."
I sighed. "I already told you that--"
He stopped dead and turned towards me, the sun behind him. "He was flirting with you, Lily" he said vehemently. "I have been knowing him since forever, trust me, the only other time I have seen him looking at someone the way he looked at you, it was when he met Daisy. And she is the love of his life."
Pretending I hadn't heard the first part of his speech, I said "You mean that she was the love of his life, Sebastian... you don't know about the divorce, do you?"
Sebastian removed his sunglasses and took a step forward. He looked shocked. "What?"
"Toby and Daisy are getting in a divorce. He told me."
He looked at me in silence for a moment, rubbing his fingers through his hair. Then looked away. "Fuck" he whispered, more to himself than to me. He was clearly upset. "I should have imagined it... he looked so sad. But why didn't Daisy tell me? If only I knew..."
I touched his arm. "You should talk to them and help them going through this."
He took a deep breath. "You are right" he whispered and looked at me. "I haven't been a good friend recently."
"You miss him" I commented, smiling to empathize with him.
Sebastian nodded. "Despite everything, Toby is the best man I ever met. Of course I miss him." He was closer to me now. "This is what I love the most in you, Lily. Your will to help others, your big heart... it's stronger than your shyness and your insecurities."
My hand was still on his arm and, before I knew it, it moved up to his shoulder, neck and cheek. Sebastian's hazel eyes were now fixed on me and his face slowly bent down towards mine. His lips touched mine, that responded with the same confidence.
It was a great kiss, but when I went back to my room to get ready for dinner with Sebastian and Felicity, I was already regretting it. I craved to give Sebastian what he wanted, to love him back, but just couldn't. It was like something deep down was telling me that loving Sebastian was the right thing to do, while my heart just wouldn't respond to him, wouldn't pound for him.
And how could you love someone who doesn't make your heart pound?
***
The next morning I knocked on Sebastian's room door and when he opened it, he was talking on the phone.
"Hold on a moment" he said to his interlocutor. "Hey, good morning" he greeted me with a smile, gesturing to come in. "I'm coming soon."
I nodded and sat on an armchair near the bed, as he restored his phone conversation leaning out of the window.
"Everything is going to be alright, you'll see" Sebastian said in a warm and friendly tone. "Yes, I know... I'm sure of that... Of course, I promise!" He laughed. "See you soon, Daisy."
He hung up and turned towards me. "It was Daisy" he said.
"Yes, I got that" I smiled and cleared my throat. "How... how is she?"
"Oh, she's tough. She is fine." He lowered his head and sat on the bed in front of me. "Or at least, she will be very soon."
I had heard him, Toby and Felicity talking about this woman for so long that I was now very curious about her. I couldn't help myself asking "What's she like?"
"Well..." Sebastian started wearing his sneakers. "She is badass. Very intelligent and outspoken, kind of like Felicity." We both smirked. "But she's also very fragile, sensitive and extremely selfless. She's always there to help those in need."
"She sounds cool" I commented. "May I see a photo of her?"
"Oh, of course." Sebastian took his phone from the night table and tapped on it. "Here."
I sat beside him and he showed me the display. The first photo pictured Toby, Sebastian and a girl, all around the age of seventeen or eighteen. Sebastian was thinner, but nevertheless handsome, just like the kind of heartthrob of some '90s romantic comedy movie. Toby looked quite different, his hair shorter and no beard at all, but the same beautiful amber eyes and irresistible smile. The girl in his arms was undoubtedly Daisy, light brown ponytail, blue eyes, rosy skin and a hot body. She was extremely pretty. I swallowed when I saw the second photo. The three friends were posing for Toby and Daisy's wedding. Now adults and looking more similar to the people they now were, Sebastian and Toby were joking with each other, while Daisy, absolutely perfect in her white silk dress, was laughing. They all looked so happy... thinking that it was all over saddened me.
"She's beautiful" I said, my eyes on that pretty face that had lived in Toby's heart for almost twenty years. "They looked good together."
"Yes, they did" Sebastian agreed. "They will both find happiness again, I'm sure of that." He took a deep breath and looked at me. "About that kiss, yesterday--"
"I came here to talk about it" I interrupted him, quite agitated.
He touched my arm to quiet me. "I know" he whispered. "I know that it didn't mean to you the same thing that it meant to me. You don't love me, I get it." There was a terrible sadness both in his tone and in his face. It was almost unbearable to look at.
I sighed. "I'm so sorry, Sebastian."
Sebastian smiled and got up. "It's okay. I came here to fix things with you and I'm glad I succeeded."
I got up too. "You're leaving already?"
"Yes, I am" he replied, putting his suitcase on the bed. "Thank you for everything, Lily."
I went to hug him. "No, thank you!"
He hugged me back and whispered "Keep on drawing. You promised to show me more of your artworks."
"You will be the first to see them!"