Eloise was only gone for a week, but everything has changed. She can't look at herself in the mirror without picturing herself attacking her friends and killing an innocent person. Eloise can't sleep without her guilty thoughts bearing down on her. She can't eat without wanting to throw up in disgust over what she did.
Eloise considers calling Bucky once, to ask him when it gets better, but she ends up just holding the phone in her tight grasp while staring out at the city as she sits on the edge of the fire escape, her feet dangling off the side. Eloise is only wearing sweatpants with a loose white tank top in the early December weather, but she doesn't even register the cold. Her mind is running a hundred miles a minute.
Eloise stares down at her hands for the hundredth time. She can't stop her mind from picturing them choking someone out.
Her eyes squeeze shut and she clenches her fists shut.
"Hey."
Her eyes snap open and Eloise jumps back. The top of her head hits the metal railing hard.
"Oh, sorry!" Spider-Man says, dropping from the bottom of the fire escape from the apartment above Eloise's. He takes off his mask and tosses it to the side as he squats next to her with a concerned look twisting his features.
Wincing and rubbing her head, Eloise turns to him. "Hey, Peter."
He cringes at her pain. "Didn't meant to scare you. Are you okay?"
"Yeah," She replies, her hand dropping to her side as the pain in her head subsides.
Peter's worried eyes study her face, then he sits down next to her. His feet dangle off the side beside Eloise's. Her eyes slide over the fading bruises on his face. With a bit of makeup, they'd be invisible.
"Do some crime-fighting?" Eloise asks with a weak smile.
He shrugs. "Slow day, just helped someone pick up some spilled papers that blew into the street." He leans back on his hands and watches the brunette girl carefully. "How are you holding up so far?"
"So far, not so good," She admits with a weak chuckle. When Eloise catches Peter's concerned gaze, she says, "But Bucky said that it should get easier. I'll be okay soon."
He nods and looks out at the city. Silence fills the lull in their conversation, but it's not uncomfortable. Peter and Eloise just have a lot on their young minds right now, and sometimes you don't need to talk to share your emotions. From his posture and expression, Eloise can tell that Peter's overwhelmed and worried as always. His hair is matted and greasy, and she wonders when the last time he took a shower was. It isn't a thought she has out of disgust, but rather concern. He needs to take care of himself.
Eloise wonders if Peter can read her as easily as he usually can. Does he see how tired she is? How conflicted she is, and how scared she is of herself?
"How're your parents?" Peter asks suddenly, breaking their silence. Eloise glances at him questionably. He adds, "You ask about May sometimes, but I realized that I never ask about your parents."
Eloise shrugs and looks away. Sighing, her breath visible in the brisk air, she leans against the cool railing. "I don't know. I've only seen them once since we got back."
He watches her closely. She squirms slightly under his piercing gaze.
Instead of prying into her relationship with her parents, Peter suddenly asks, "Aren't you cold?"
"Not really."
He frowns and hugs himself. "Well, I'm freezing, so do you want to go inside?"
Eloise peers at her bedroom window over her shoulder. She doesn't really feel like going back in by herself, she'll just be forced to sit in silence as her thoughts consume her.
Peter catches her expression and, like he's reading her mind, suggests, "You can come over to mine if you want?"
Eloise's blue eyes meet his warm brown ones. He smiles.
She smiles back.
🕸
Eloise doesn't know how to feel when she enters the Park East school for the first time since the trip to New Orleans. Everyone smiles or gives her nods in acknowledgement as she passes them, but she doesn't really know how to respond, so she just gives them all weak smiles in return.
Luis stops Eloise in the hall before she can reach her locker and goes to give her a fist bump, but she doesn't want to touch him because of an irrational thought of accidentally hurting him that courses through her. She just waves to him instead, him awkwardly letting his fist fall to his side. He coughs and walks away.
"It's nice to see you back," a teacher says to Eloise in the hall on her way. The amount of people greeting her makes Eloise want to get to her locker as fast as possible.
"Thanks," she murmurs, head ducked as her legs move faster.
Finally, Eloise reaches her locker. Lucy, Elena, Alev, and Cliff are waiting by it for her. They're all in a circle just talking, smiling at whatever is being said. Lucy is the first to spot Eloise, and when she does, she points at her. Everyone turns and smiles at her appearance.
"There you are!" Lucy exclaims as she opens her locker, slightly flustered and claustrophobic.
"Yeah," Eloise breathes. "Here I am." She puts her stuff away and takes out her folder and pencil for the first class.
They all exchange a look. Elena shrugs.
"Dude, why didn't you tell us about the internship opportunity?" Lucy presses, nudging Eloise's shoulder with a smile tugging on her lips.
Eloise doesn't even know how the lie spread to them, probably through Peter, but she doesn't deny it as what she was doing the past week. She just shrugs as she closes her squeaky locker. "I didn't want to get my hopes up. I didn't make the cut anyways, so it doesn't really matter."
Elena, Alev, and Cliff look empathetic for Eloise, but Lucy pouts playfully and nudges her again. The contact causes Eloise to be on edge.
"Don't be so mopey," she tells her. "You're the smartest person I know—apart from your geeky neighbor, of course—so don't worry about those douches who thought you weren't good enough."
Eloise just gives her a strained smile in return. "Thanks, Luce." Her words would've made Eloise feel better, if she had actually left to audition for an internship opportunity that she didn't get. But, that wasn't the case.
Elena cocks her head. She gives Eloise a one-over. "You going to be okay?"
She nods. "Yeah. Thanks."
Elena suddenly turns to Alev. "Oh, I forgot! Here." She slips a bracelet off her wrist and hands it to Alev. "You left this at the campsite after Luis's party."
Alev takes it and slides it on. "Thank you. I was looking for it."
"Speaking of that party," Lucy says with a grin. "You should've been there, Eloise! It was insane, you wouldn't believe who showed up—"
Eloise nods along as Lucy speaks with joy, recalling the events from Luis's party at the camp site. She goes on and talks about everything that happened. Usually Eloise would listen with great interest, but right now, she can't focus on her words. Her eyes trail from Lucy to the students meandering around the hall with their friends, or alone. Her eyes drop to her hands again.
What if she snapped and just attacked everyone in sight, including her friends in front of her that she's known for years?
Feeling eyes on her, Eloise looks up. Cliff's gaze lingers on her, studying her. Just when she thinks he's about to say something, he looks away.
Eloise doesn't see Cliff again until lunch. He keeps looking at her from across the table as everyone talks amongst themselves. Lucy is really hyper today and won't stop talking about some guy she met at the party. Eloise attempts to pay attention, but honestly, she still can't. Her thoughts always go back to the what-if's.
What if she just jumped across the table and tackled Elena to the ground? What if she started beating people with their lunch trays?
Horrifying thoughts of hurting her friends and fellow classmates make Eloise clam up and not talk during the whole lunch period. As soon as it ends by the ring of the bell, Eloise is glad to escape to the halls where half the school isn't gathered in one place.
Just as she's turning the corner to exit the cafeteria, a hand envelops her upper arm. She tenses and turns.
Cliff looks at Eloise with his dark, searching eyes. He crosses his arms, letting go of her bicep, and leans against the wall.
"Is everything okay?" He asks quietly so no one passing by overhears.
Eloise sighs, licking her lips as she struggles with what to say. She can't exactly go out and say what's really bothering her, and it kind of hurts to keep what's going on with her from her friends that she has convinced to trust her with everything in their lives. It feels wrong.
Cliff clears his throat. Eloise's eyes dart to his.
"You don't need to tell me if you don't want to," he says before she can say anything, saving her from stuttering some excuse. "But if someone's bothering you, I would have no trouble having a, uh, talk with them." His adds emphasis on the word 'talk' and cracks his knuckles.
Eloise bites her lip as a ghost of a smile passes her lips. "I appreciate the offer, but it's not needed."
He studies her closer, determining if she's being truthful, and nods. "Okay. But if you ever have trouble with someone, you know where to find me."
She roll her eyes, although she really does appreciate him caring. "Thanks, Cliff."
🕸
Eloise is glad for the quiet trek she takes alone to Midtown. The school day was stressful since she is behind in all her classes and has stacks of homework and quizzes to make up, so she expected to have a rather peaceful walk to Peter and Ned's school after 3:00 p.m. to clear her mind. However, it didn't quite work out that way; her mind isn't clear as she's walking down the busy streets, but it's not buzzing with all the stress from school, at least. Being alone gives her some time to lose herself in her thoughts again, even if they aren't exactly peaceful ones.
Before she knows it, Eloise is standing on the sidewalk in front of Midtown High. Some students are rushing to get to their cars and some just hang out around the campus to talk with their friends. Eloise sees a few girls in skirts dashing to their cars to escape the cold.
Although it's below freezing, Eloise doesn't really mind the temperature. She never hated the cold like many around her have. However, cold and slush, she despises.
As she continues walking down the icy sidewalk, Eloise catches sight of Peter and Ned, her favorite Midtown-ers, sitting on the bleachers and just talking. As she nears them, however, Ned looks up as if he could sense her presence and spots her. He grins and practically jumps down the bleachers, stumbling over to Eloise's spot at the sidewalk.
Eloise stops walking and watches with worry as Ned tries not to slip on the ice on his way to Eloise, scared that he'll fall because if he does he won't be able to catch himself since he has an arm in a sling. Peter turns and, when he sees his neighbor too, he smiles and waves before following his friend.
"Eloise!" Ned exclaims, wrapping the girl in an one-armed side hug.
Eloise tenses slightly, still wary of herself, but then hugs her back, careful not to hurt his arm that she already broke.
"Hey, Ned," Eloise greets, releasing him. When they separate Peter reaches the two. Eloise is internally glad he didn't go in for a hug too, but deep down, she wishes he had. "Hi Peter."
"Hi," He says. "How was your first day back?" His voice is cautious, Eloise realizes. He thinks he's treading on eggshells with her and doesn't want her to crack and break at the slightest word, but Eloise thinks she's stronger than that. Her heart sinks a little at his carefulness.
"It was okay," Eloise replies, her guard up as if to prove that she's tough. "Different, but okay." Different was a bit of an understatement; the entire eight hours of school, she felt so out of place. She was scared that she would turn hostile, and she knew that sitting in the classrooms full of her classmates, Eloise was the only student there that had murdered someone. It felt like everyone's eyes were on her. Like, somehow, they knew what Eloise had done and hated her.
But that just sounds ridiculous, so Eloise doesn't say anything else after she tells him it was different. She just hopes it returns to normal soon.
Changing the subject, Eloise asks, "How's your arm doing, Ned?"
Ned lifts his arm in the sling at the mention of it and peers down at it. "The doctor said that it was fracture-dislocation, which means that my bone broke and came out of a joint, which really hurt; it felt like my whole arm was on fire when I fell and landed on it weird. I heard this big snap and instantly felt it break. I mean, I could literally feel it break. My doctor said that it'll take, like, three weeks until the sling can come off, but even then it might not heal all the way and I might not get the full ability to move it—"
"Ned!" Peter hisses, elbowing him in the side. Ned winces, but then sees Eloise's pained expression and shuts up.
"I mean," he says, clearing his throat, "it's okay, though. Doesn't hurt anymore."
"Oh," Eloise says, nodding sadly. She tries not to make eye-contact with them as she adjusts the straps on her backpack uncomfortably. She didn't think his arm was that bad. "Sorry." Eloise starts walking.
The boys silently trail behind Eloise. Peter shoots Ned a glare when he thinks she's not looking, but he doesn't notice that she catches it. Ned mouths that he's sorry. Peter shakes his head and takes a few longer strides to walk by Eloise's side.
"Ned's just being dramatic," he assured. "Don't feel bad about it."
She doesn't know how to reply and, quite frankly, she doesn't feel like talking anymore. "Yeah," she says, even though she knows he's just trying to make her feel better.
The rest of the walk home is silent.
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Attached Song: Take What You Want by ONE OK ROCK & 5 Seconds of Summer
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