"You touched my heart, you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals."
-James Blunt
*
Felicity, Lily and Sherlock left for Devon a few days later. They travelled to Exeter by train, stayed two days at Felicity's parents' house, then they rented a car to reach Budleigh Salterton.
When the three of them entered the bed & breakfast they had stayed for the last couple of summers already, Felicity and Lily took a deep breath, feeling at home. Mrs. Clara Fitzpatrick, the owner, welcomed them with her usual warmth.
They had always called the adorably sweet and elderly landlady "Mrs. Jennings", because she was pretty much identical to the lively character from Sense and Sensibility. She was kind and sweet, but had a tendency to meddle in other people's lives and embarrass them with her comments. Lily and Felicity loved her like she was their aunt or grandmother and wouldn't have changed her for the world.
"My girls!" she squeaked after hugging them, the hundreds of bracelets on her arms jingling. "My sweet and pretty girls! I'm so happy that you have come here this summer too!" She turned towards Felicity and took her hands, admiring her body like a grandmother would do. "You lost weight, Felicity! Oh, your hair is so bright, I've never seen a colour brown like yours!" She turned towards Lily and caressed her face. "And Lily! Always as beautiful as a porcelain doll. Have you finally found a boyfriend?"
Felicity saw Lily's face become redder than red, Mrs. Clara emitted squeaking sounds. "Oh, I knew it, I knew it! No man could ever resist this face and this body!" She handed them the key to their double room, "Whoever he is" she added, "he's the luckiest man on planet Earth" and winked at Lily.
"Whoever they are" Felicity thought.
After Mrs. Clara petted Sherlock and gave him a biscuit, the three of them went to their room to prepare for the beach, that they reached that same afternoon. The feeling of laying down on a beach towel and sunbathe touching the sand and hearing the sound of the sea waves gave Felicity a new life. Lily didn't like to stay under the sun for too long, she would always go and swim in the sea with Sherlock, pausing to warm up and read a chapter of her book, while the dog rested under the sun, his tongue out.
Felicity observed that her friend was glowing, like she was a glass window that had been dirty in dust for years and now it was clean again, the sunlight coming through it. The only other time she had seen Lily like that was on the day she had caught her and Sebastian almost having sex on their living room sofa, that's why Felicity felt the need to ask the inevitable question.
"Tell me the truth" she said when Lily, her skin still wet of saltwater, turned another page of her book. "Have you had sex with Toby?"
Lily jumped and blushed violently for the second time that day. "Felicity!" she exclaimed, shocked. "What the fuck?!"
Felicity sighed and sat upright. "Come on! I know that something happened in his house! The two of you alone in an unfurnished house for a night? And now you looking like the happiest woman alive? Something MUST have happened!"
Lily closed her book and she sat upright too. "Felicity, enough" she murmured, lowering her eyes. "I already told you what we did and said in his house. And this is all that happened: NOTHING!" She tossed the book on her bag and got up. "It's hot today. I need another swim." And, followed by Sherlock, she ran towards the sea.
***
The problem was, after weeks of feeling basically nothing, I was now feeling too much. I was literally overwhelmed by mixed feelings, I would be angry one minute and sad one minute later, then happy, excited, calm, afraid, nervous... until I would simply find myself confused to the bone, unable to distinguish real feelings from fake ones.
Of course, it all had begun that night at Toby's house.
Although everything was a mess in my mind, I could tell that the moment Toby had said he and Daisy were divorcing, something inside of me just... broke. Or disappeared. I had felt like a veil on me had been abruptly removed, making me feel naked, alone, vulnerable, scared. The tears were the natural response to this weird and frightening emotion and the only thing that could calm them was Toby's hug. Touching him had always felt like home, but now something had changed and I couldn't think about his arms around me, or my hand in his, or his eyes in mine, without trembling.
That memory had been haunting me for days. I almost hadn't slept that night and I had come back home before Toby woke up - apologizing by text from my cab - and I hadn't talked much to Felicity ever since. My mind wouldn't just stop spinning. All I would do was remembering and trying to understand what was going on, which pushed me to be mostly silent and kind of nervous.
On the second day of my and Felicity's vacation, Toby texted me asking if everything was okay. I replied that it was, that I just wanted to enjoy the summer to the fullest and I wished him to do the same. I didn't know about his plans, but I guessed he would have worked on his relocation. Maybe this reply was not enough for him, because he called me hours later, while I was having a walk with Sherlock in town.
Already feeling awkward, I took into consideration to decline the call, but my finger moved on its own and picked up.
"Hello?" I said.
"Hey, Lily" his soft voice replied. "What's up?"
Despite my heart was pounding, I manage to stay calm somehow. "I'm okay, walking with Sherlock. What about you?"
"Working." He took a deep breath. "I have new projects on the way, I'm going to be very busy this summer."
"Interesting" I murmured. "I'm planning to just relax, you know."
"Come on, you're spending the entire summer with your best friend and your dog, I will never believe that you're just relaxing" he laughed. "You're more than that."
I found myself smiling. "How can you do that?"
"Do what?"
"Always saying something that makes me feel better with myself."
"You shouldn't underestimate yourself, Lily. I know that I'm just The Guy In The Yellow Hat, but trust me when I say that you're awesome."
I blushed. "And what do you suggest me to do this summer, except for relax?"
"Mmm... Laugh with Felicity, run with Sherlock and do something you will be proud of."
"Such as?"
He paused. "Surprise me."
Still smiling, I ended the call and stopped. People were walking by me and Sherlock was sniffing some small flower beds on the pavement. The sun was shining, it was a beautiful day, the air smelled like sea and Toby was right, I needed to do something I would have been proud of.
Suddenly, out of all the mixed feelings that have been confusing me for days, one was stronger than the rest: determination.
I turned around only to find myself in front of a shop where they sold exactly what I needed.
***
Felicity had just finished wearing some clothes after a shower, when her mobile phone rang. Her hair still wet, she rushed through the room, to the other side of the bed, and grabbed the phone. It was Sebastian.
"Look who's back from the dead" she answered.
"I'm glad to hear that you have not changed, Felicity" Sebastian said, undoubtedly smirking. "How are you?"
"Hey, man, get to the point. I'm about to spend a fantastic girl night with Lily, I have no time for small talk." She went to the bathroom and started putting make up on.
Sebastian sighed. "Okay... how is she?"
"Ask her by yourself. You have got her number."
"She won't talk to me."
"Have you tried, at least?"
He paused. "Do you think I should? I mean, she was really pissed last time we talked."
"Trust me, Sebastian, a woman always wants to be called after a fight."
"I'll try, then." He took a deep breath. "So, where are you girls going tonight? Not hooking up, I hope!" He said it as a joke, but Felicity felt the fear in his voice.
"Oh, nothing special. Dinner in a fine seafood restaurant on the beach and then skinny-dipping in the sea." Felicity chuckled, taking into consideration to really do it.
"Wait a minute... are you in Devon?"
"Yes, we are. Why?"
"Well... I'm leaving for Calais next week, I could make a stop and visit you for a couple of days before going on the ferry. What do you think?"
Felicity left her lipstick on the sink and got out of the bathroom. "I think that you should call Lily and ask her by yourself" she whispered. "She's been quite unpredictable since the accident and I don't want to upset her."
Sebastian sighed again. "I'll call her tomorrow. I'm determined to make amend for having been a selfish dick."
She laughed. "Good luck with that!"
"Thank you, Felicity."
They hung up and, after combing her hair and put it up in a high chignon, Felicity walked to the big terrace on the back of the bed & breakfast, where, she knew, Lily and Sherlock were. Lily had texted her during her afternoon walk with Sherlock to tell her she was busy doing something on that terrace and would have not joined her at the beach.
Felicity spotted her friend's curly auburn hair and blue floral dress almost immediately and on her way to her stopped dead, not believing to what she saw.
Lily was sitting on a white chair, Sherlock was at her feet playing with one of his toys. They were both very absorbed in what they were doing. She was bent over the round table, a paint brush in her hand moving on a big paper; in front of her, there were more brushes in a glass, colored water in another one and a box of watercolours. When Felicity got closer, she could see that Lily was drawing the view beyond the terrace: the sea, the rocks, the beach, the houses on the coast, the people.
Felicity was stunned because she hadn't seen Lily painting or even sketching since the death of her father. Before that day, she and her brushes had just been inseparable. Mr. Montgomery had pushed Lily into pursuing an artistic career, getting himself into debt to pay art school for her... he was her number one fan. Felicity had been trying to convince her into start painting again for months, until she had just given up, sad because an important part of her best friend was gone with her love for art.
What was happening before her eyes right now proved that art was possessing Lily's mind, heart and hand like it had never got away. It was enough to make Felicity cry of happiness.
Lily heard her and turned around. When she saw her crying, she put the brush on the glass full of water and got up.
"Hey, sweetie! What's the matter?"
"I can't believe that you are painting again!" Felicity squeaked, wiping the tears with her hand.
"Oh." Lily blushed and smiled, glancing at her drawing. "Yes, I... stopped by a paint shop and I just couldn't resist buying the tools."
Felicity bent over the table and admired the artwork. It had Lily's touch, with her love for the tiniest detail and her attention for both lights and shadows. She hadn't realized how much she had been missing her best friend's talent until that very moment.
"It's beautiful, Lily." Felicity smiled and hugged her. "I'm so happy!"
"Me too!" Lily exclaimed. "The moment I sat here... I just couldn't stop drawing and painting!" She took a deep breath. "It feels SO GOOD!"
"Amazing!"
They laughed and Felicity kissed Lily on the cheek.
"I'm starving" Lily said eventually. "Shall we go?" She took the paper, the tools and her purse, whistled to Sherlock and the three of them headed to the bed & breakfast.
"What did convince you to paint again?" Felicity asked, taking the glasses from Lily's hand.
At first, Lily didn't say anything, then replied "It was something that Toby said... about doing something I would be proud of. The first thing I thought was... doing what I love the most. And so, I walked in that paint shop without even thinking."
Felicity simply nodded, absorbing her words. So it was Toby's doing... why wasn't she surprised? No wonder Lily was glowing like a star after spending a night in his house, where maybe didn't happen anything sexual, but something important did for sure.
All of a sudden, Felicity regretted to have been trying so hard to push Lily into Sebastian's arms, when it was very clear that it was Toby the one bringing out the best in her.