Lovely song btw
Name|| Maroon
It's a good MudWing and SkyWing name, too. In fact, I'd say it's a good MudWing/SkyWing hybrid name.-
Au?|| after the war of the Darkstalker was defeated, the mudwings and skywings made a strong alliance because they had the ideas of therapists and most of the mudwings Lost their families or siblings (all of them or just one) and this threw them into a Great Depression and the therapists really helped them. The Mudwing Queen was grateful for the help because it broke her to see her subjects moping around. So, she asked for an alliance with the Skywings and they agreed. They now have two paths for traveling back and forth, one for loners and one for families. They even have helpers along the way and have food for the travelers.
- And with that Alternate Universe, her being a Mud/Sky would make even more sense.
Tribe|| Skywing
Okay.
Age|| 15 1/2
Cool.
Gender|| Female
Okay
Sexuality|| transgender/Bisexual
Ayyyyyyeee *finger guns*
Queen|| Queen Ruby all the way fam.
Yeet
Abilites|| Breathing Fire And a naturally good flier. She has slight heat scales but nothing that could even come close to harming another dragon. It's just for soothing warmth.
Hmm. Is there a reason for her "heat scales"? Is it just extra body heat, or is it something else? If it's just extra body heat, then I have no qualms about it, but if it's some sort of naturally obtained ability I'm skeptical.
Ranks|| Middle class, She sells sculptures for fun and a bit more extra profit but she mainly works as a therapist. She is also a doctor.
So she sculpts, works as a therapist and a doctor. That's an awful load of occupations — especially for someone who's middle class. She should be rich! And where does she get the time to do all that stuff? Doctors usually work 5 days a week, where does she take time to be a therapist? And what's with all these OCs and sculpting? Sculpting is a very... specific form of art, that requires a lot to even do it.
So. Either make her a therapist or a doctor, and I recommend removing sculpting. If you want her to do an artsy sort of hobby, why not painting?
Appearance||
She is a bit skinny, but she's the normal height for a skywing.
Her scales are a Ruby mixed with a dash of scarlet and bam, you've got her scales.
I would've imagined she'd look... well, maroon. Why not change her scales to a more... well, maroon brownish color? It would explain her name.
Wrapping around her each middle talon is a vermillion shade. It's a birthmark.
Interesting birthmark!
Her eyes are a fiery bronze with orangey outlines. Her wing skin is a darker than your average scarlet, and at the edge of her wing tips, it's a salmon color.
She was normal, sharp talons with one dull for scroll writing.
Uhh... so normally, when I rate OCs and two OCs happen to have a similar trait or something, I usually just name it as a coincidence and continue on. This, however, is not coincidence-worthy, so unless JDARKWIZARD copied it off of YOU, I will have to take some points off for this.
I mean, don't get me wrong, it's useful, but I also wouldn't really imagine why she would need to keep ONE dull. I understand JDARKWIZARD's OC, since Andronikos (I think it was?) was a very political dragon and probably had to write letters all the time, but this doesn't really make much sense since I can't imagine WHY Maroon would write so frequently to the point where it would be more convenient to leave a claw dull.
Pretty sure quills exist in the WoF universe.
Her horns are the normal curved with the tips being sharp, for defense if she needs it.
How would she use her horns in combat anyway? Actually, I'm more curious to learn how she keeps her horn-tips sharp, since y'know, horns literally are angled to face behind their heads. That must be really hard to sharpen unless she got some help, which it doesn't ever mention she does.
For some reason, she likes to keep her tail curled in a bit, not fully though. Just a little curl. She likes to do it because when she's sitting all day, she curled up with her tail curling. It has become a habit for her.
I like that bit.
Residence|| A permanent home near the ex-arena for emergencies.
Practical.
Family||
Eagle (father, a dark crimson skywing, protective and sincere.)
Isn't Eagle a canon character? Meh, I think he was old enough to bear children, so you're good.
Airstream (mother, a light scarlet skywing, kind and compassionate.)
Cool.
Oldest to youngest siblings;
Adopted brother|| Hail (Icewing, blueish whiteish with black eyes, overly protective and calm.) 16 3/4
He seems like a... CHILL GUY AHAHHAHHAHhhhahahahhh... aha *cough*.
Adopted Sister|| Briar (Mudwing, Mocha and cocoa scales with Carmel eyes, caring and overly protective.) 16 1/2
Ok.
Koi|| (seawing, pale green scales with ocean blue eyes, scared and thinker.) 11
Kk.
Apricot|| (rainwing, everchanging scales with light green eyes, happy and kind.) 10
Alrighty.
(Briar and Hail are the 'Mombo Combo' as they look after them when Eagle and Airstream are gone.)
To be honest, the names aren't that original and I've seen every single one of them before at least once. The descriptions are cool, though.
Backstory|| Approximately two days after the path was made, Eagle was on the move. He planned to go to the Mudwing kingdom for an egg. They already had one, but they thought that dragonets who were given up after the war deserved homes.
Wait why are dragonets being given away after the war
Wouldn't they want to keep dragonets because of how many dragons that probably died?
He flew into the kingdom and after a few minutes he found the orphanage.
He walked in looking around and became panicked.
The orphanage was empty.
Not wanting to have wasted his day, he leaped towards the north west and flew as fast as he could. Freezing, he landed with a thud and landed face first in the snow.
Why is there snow in the MudWing Kingdom? Shouldn't it be more... mud and dirt?
He grumbled and lifted himself up, shaking himself in the process. He walked into the Icewing village about thirty minutes later and they were surprised to see him.
WHAT What what what what??
You said he was going to the MUDWING Kingdom. The IceWing kingdom is more than 24 hours away, even WITH flying super fast! What on earth? I, too, would be very surprised to see a SkyWing go from the MudWing Kingdom to an IceWing village in 30 minutes.
They all growled and some even tried attacking him, but he quickly blew fire at their nose and they scampered off.
Why didn't anybody question him? Why are they acting so not IceWing-like? Soldiers would probably go up and say "what r u doing here" and they wouldn't simply attack without reason! Much less back off because of a little fire!
He walked towards the orphanage with a smug smile, he had finally made it. He walked coolly in, and they all turned heads. He stood out like a rose in a field of daises. They glared at him, but the obvious leader snickered and pointed to the dragonets. "Which one, Skywing." He looked over them carefully. All of them but one was glaring at him or had their back turned.
The one who wasn't stared at him curiously. He was obviously so desperate to have a real home They he didn't care who it was. He opened up his pouch and gave a sapphire to the attendant. She laughed at him. "Do you really think that's gonna pay it?" Eagle frowned, and fished out an emerald. The attendant grasped it and stared at the pouch, as it was still full. "One more." Eagle rolled his eyes and grabbed a chunk of gold. The attendant shrieked. "Yes!" She exclaimed, snatching the gold and running out of the orphanage. The boss roared in fury and raced out the door. Eagle quickly snatched out the male dragonet and bolted out of there as fast as his legs could take him.he then lifted off, soaring to the sky kingdom with the dragonet.
I am beyond confused on what's happening. Did the attendant steal from Eagle? What?
He made it to the mud kingdom where he collapsed.
So you're telling me... that he literally flew all the way to the MudWing kingdom without a break, carrying a dragonet, and then collapsed. I — uh — what?
A Mudwing yelped in surprise when he landed next to him, and quickly helped him up. The Mudwing realized the Skywing right away, as he came to the orphanage a day ago. He then saw the anxious Icewing on his back, and his eyes widened. He hauled them up on his large back and trudged on to the orphanage. As there was a dragonet right there right now. He urged himself to go faster, and he set them down in the orphanage once he got there. He grunted and stretched, the;walked over to the corner, picking up the Mudwing, he then took a scroll and ripped a bit of it off and scribbled down "her name is Briar." He finished and placed it two feet away from Eagle. He then carefully took out a Topaz coin, and walked out of the orphanage.
Why did he write it down? Why didn't he just say it I'm so confused
Eagle woke up a few minutes later, seeing a patient Mudwing dragonet beside him and a scroll ripped in front of her. He picked it up, read it, and then looked at Briar. He smiled at her and got up, patted the Icewing, and helped Briar onto his back. He then took flight out of the orphanage and to the sky kingdom.
Huh. Did he just adopt another one? Without getting the first one settled in? Normal people (dragons) would get one first, then AFTER they get the hang of taking care of a dragonet, they would adopt another if they wanted to.
When he landed, he almost crushed another dragonet. He looked down to see a marvelous little red dragonet flapping her wings and prancing around. He smiled to large that his face hurt. He introduced his dragonet to the adopted ones and they immediately started to bond together, and Airstream and Eagle huddled up, discussing names for the Icewing and their dragonet.
Eventually, they came up with a Hail and Maroon. The dragonets became more and more each day, and one fateful night, a seawing egg lay at their cave opening.
Maroon was the first to see it, and she carefully picked it up, (as she is 4 1/2 at the time, she is strong enough,) and laid it down near her mother. She wakes up Airstream and the first thing she sees is the the green egg next to her daughter. She looks at the egg again, and blinks. She isn't dreaming. She feels the egg, and it's unnaturally cold. She puts it near her waist, giving it warmth. She falls asleep again, and Maroon soon after.
The next morning the egg weirdly hatches. It's a boy with pale green scales. He's deathly afraid of Hail, and Hail is trying to be nice. Briar is silently dying of laughter when this happens, and Maroon is plain curious. The seawing is later named Koi, as for his first food he actually enjoyed was that same thing. (Bought it off of a merchant,)
It's at this point in Maroons life were she starts to help people. Obsessively. She will wait in the streets and if a fight breaks out, she will cautiously blow fire near their faces. She also helps people who are injured and makes regular trips with Briar to the hospital. Briar sometimes enjoys it too. But, in the end Maroon had to stop. A huge fight between five Skywings broke out near the Arena. Maroon is of age at this point and decides to go help. She sneaks out with Briar and unknown to them, Hail as well. They eventually get there and, well, a lot of ground is on fire. Yelling goes echoes through out the night as they move to the arena. Maroon yelps and flys as fast as she can to the last one. He is a brute, heavy, skywing male. He grunts and almost shakes Maroon off, but she clings on at the last second by putting her claws in between his scales. He roars with displeasure. "Help me, you fools!" And all of a sudden what feels like a thousand claws grasp at Maroons body. They rip her off easily.
She shrieks in surprise and she falls to earth, and she barely is able to regain her posture. The leader barks out a harsh laugh. "Aye! Nobody can defeat Scorch and his ser- army!" He barks, and starts to fly. A hot felling goes around Maroons side, and it hits Scorch in the leg. He screams, and Hail suddenly drops from the night sky, and freezes him. With his dying breath, he sic's his army on them. They are enormously outnumbered, and but hail only has to charge up two blows and mild head whipping and more ice statues fall to the ground. Maroon finally realizes that there in the arena. Hail and Briar fly with her, but she thinks and she realizes that Hail will be extremely easy to spot. So, she tells him to go hide behind the stand in the ex arena, and Briar flys in a oval around them, and Maroon watches from the ex throne. Yelling echoes everywhere. Maroon pricks her ears and listens closely. "Aha! You'll never beat me, Topaz!" A female voice shouts back, "Yes I will, Burnt!"
Burnt sounds too much like Burn. Change it to something else?
More shouting goes trough the stands were Hail is. He flinches every time Wings come near him, but the never see him. Maroon peers over the throne, watches silently. They haven't noticed her yet. Suddenly, a huge vermillion colored skywing launches himself and a lanky skywing decked heavily in gems. She screams. "Lady Topaz!" A lot of Skywings say, rushing themselves at there leader. She looks for Briar, who is camouflaged into the night right beside her. She stifles a help before tapping g her shoulder. She whispers "soon." And Briar nods. She looks desperately for hail, and he is nowhere to be seen. Eventually, Topaz's followers get the dragon off of Topaz, and one snaps at his neck, making him to recoil in pain. "Help me!" He roars, and sudden,y ten dragons leap out from behind him, silently saying "Lord Flare shall not die." Immediately, a voice, cold and icy, says "Ahh. War. What a lovely thing." All heads turn to a muscular skywing that is crimson, and is seemingly glowing.
"Skyfire." Flare growls loudly. "How dare you come." Topaz smiles cruelly and she looks at her soldiers. Skyfire doesn't say anything, but his judge mental gaze flows through out the dragons. All of a sudden, Topaz flicks her tail and five dragons sic Flare, and five more attack Burnt, and they are dead in a minute. Topaz smiles cruelly and she herself launches at Skyfire. He dies in a few seconds, he head being snapped. Topaz whirls around, and her bossy and malicious stare beats down on everyone. "You two." She says out of the blue, pointing her sharp talon towards the sky, "Patrol the perimeter. Guard it with your life. The new queen of the Skywings will not be interrupted when she is dealing with pests. Go." The two shoot into the air, and they start circles in opposite directions. Maroon fidgets with her talons, 'she did not,' she thinks harshly. 'threat my queen.' She snarls And Topaz somehow hears her and her head goes up quickly to her and she glare looks at Maroon and smiles. She quickly looks down again towards the other Skywings, and she can tell her twisted mind is thinking. She flicks her tail in a huge circle and twenty five of her followers take flight, and destroy a rank of guards for the other skywing. "Topaz!" He cries, lifting off and snapping at another dragons neck. "Don't! Please!" Topaz simply acts like she doesn't hear him. In a few minutes, the other Skywings followers are gone. He stands surrounded, flapping his wings in fright. Topaz slowly flys down, staring at the other skywing with hatred. "Aha. Fire. The most sophisticated and powerful of my challengers. It will be a pleasure k!lling you." Fire shuffles, and stares down at everyone of his dead followers. Topaz takes this opportunity and launches herself at Fire and he is dead within a heartbeat. Topaz stares up at Maroon, and Maroon is paralyzed. Maroon squeaks and Topaz smiles. No emotion. She then flys up into the air, her followers following her.
Maroon unconsciously launched herself at Topaz, and she unexpectedly succeeded. She quickly crawled over and under to Topazes underbelly and slashed quickly and multiple times. She then detached herself as fast as she could and got the heck away. She poked hail and she saw Briar and they flew to the cave, for their lives.
Unconsciously? Do you mean subconsciously?
A few months later, Eagle and Briar and Maroon decide to go to the rainforest. They land, and they;see smoke a red everywhere. It's chaos as everybody scrambles and people trying to put the fire out. Maroon, being still impulsive, ran to help. She dodged multiple falling trees and she got some sloths to safety, eventually, she came across the fire source, the egg nursery. Panicked and still impulsive she searched the ruins and found a drag isn't walking around and coughing. Maroon picks her up quickly and Maroon bolts out and storms past Briar, who picks Maroon up. And sets her down, and Briar stares and Maroon for a long second in the gray haze. She then sighs and together, the bolt. Maroon takes the the dragnet with her. Her name is Apricot.
When Maroon is fourteen, Hail gets extremely sick. He's coughing up buckets of blood. Airstream and Eagle go back to their trading business and Hail goes and does Hunting with Briar. So, Koi and Apricot and Maroon stay in the cave with Hail. Koi and Apricot mostly nap while Maroon was constantly on Hail, feeding him little portions of food and water and giving him whatever he needed. Her mother came home, expecting more restless hours caring for Hail, but came to see him peacefully resting with Maroon sitting right by him. Still watching him. Airstream smiled. Maroon had been waiting for permission to become a therapist and doctor, and she had finally proven herself.
Maroon became a happy doctor and therapist a week later, meeting her best friend named Hurricane, a Seawing who was traumatized by his uncle and his father being killed right in front of him. In the future, they confess their live to each other and have a dragonet named Mist. (Girl.)
Hail meets a Icewing while she travels towards the sky kingdom and they fall in love. They have three dragonets named Permafrost, Ice, and Blizzard. (Blizzard is a boy and Permafrost is a girl and Ice is transgender, Biologically female.)
Koi, when he is twenty two, leaves Airstream and Eagle. He finds a Rainwing named Canopy, and they have two dragonets named Amazon and Moist. (Both girls.)
Apricot leaves when she is twenty, and meets a Rainwing named Fungi and they get married and they have four dragonets, Cherry, Almond, Pineapple, And Pear.
(Cherry is a girl, Almond is a boy, Pineapple is a a girl, and Pear is a boy,)
Airstream and Eagle die peacefully at the ripe old age of 110 together in their sleep.
... what a backstory. Uhm. Well. The ending is nice, I guess. Uh. So. The middle part there is confusing and I have no idea what is even going on there. I just know that Topaz is a bad guy.
Crush|| Hurricane
Right
Mate|| Hurricane
Right
Dragnets|| Mist
Ok
Other||
Topaz is still alive, and she seeks revenge on Maroon.
Unless she got to a doctor as soon as she got damaged, it would take a miracle for Topaz to survive, and I don't think it would be possible.
Koi's parents were being chased by seawings because they broke the rules
... You mean they disobeyed the law?
and they wanted their dragonet to live a peaceful life so they stopped him off at the first house they found.
What if the house was abandoned? For sale? Under construction? Planning to get sold? Or, what if they knew it was inhabited but had no idea who the dragons there were like? Didn't they think about what could happen? What if the dragons there decided they didn't want a dragonet and killed the dragonet? I recommend making it so Koi's parents were friends and decided they were trustworthy enough to take care of their dragonet properly. Normal, sensible parents wouldn't leave their children at the door of an unknown house, especially in this world, where killing children in cold blood just because the children were unwanted isn't exactly rare or even uncommon. Maybe even expected, for some.
My Rating:
4.0/10
Originality: 20/25 (3 points knocked off for copying JDARKWIZARD idea in appearance, 2 points knocked off for the names)
Realism: 10/25 (2 points knocked off for the occupation, 8 points knocked off for the weird Mud-to-Ice Kingdom travelling in the backstory. 5 points knocked off for the lack of realism overall)
Interest: 0/25 (15 points knocked off for the backstory, 10 points knocked off for the lack of explanation overall)
Uniqueness: 10/25 (This character is somewhat unique)
Comments:
... Well, okay, you did pretty horribly. Um. Sorry.
For starters, you REALLY need to organize your backstory. Like, a lot. And shorten it; like, cut off the unimportant stuff. For example, let me take one paragraph from Maroon's backstory:
"Maroon unconsciously launched herself at Topaz, and she unexpectedly succeeded. She quickly crawled over and under to Topazes underbelly and slashed quickly and multiple times. She then detached herself as fast as she could and got the heck away. She poked hail and she saw Briar and they flew to the cave, for their lives."
Now let's change it to:
"Maroon subconsciously launched herself at Topaz, and she slashed quickly at her underbelly multiple times. She detached herself and she, Hail, and Briar flew to the cave, running for their lives."
I find the second paragraph a lot easier to understand AND a lot easier to write. If you just make everything shorter, clearer, breaking away the unimportant parts, then the majority of the points I took away due to your backstory will be earned back.
Now for the second thing -- the weird Mud-to-Ice Kingdom travel. Gurl, it does not take 30 MINUTES to go to the Ice Kingdom and back.
And everything else is pretty easy to fix. Also, add more... explanations to everything. It doesn't even have to be more words; just make everything clearer.
You should at least improve if you follow the previous instructions.