Natalia's POV
It wasn't long before she became one of my best friends. I just felt so bold with her. I felt important. Our energies bounced and intertwined creating literal magic. It resembled the way I felt about Harry and that made me sick and confused.
How could I feel these feelings anyway? I had a boyfriend and she had a girlfriend. Everything about it was wrong, so wrong that it was right. I thought about how hurt H would be, or hurting Claire. They were both so innocent and didn't deserve to be drug into this mess, my mess.
The more I stayed away from her, from these feelings, the more weak I felt when I saw her again. I thought often about her head in my pants as a cloud of shame emerged.
I wanted to tell my sister or my best friend but would they understand something even I didn't? My family and friends were strict Catholics, I was Catholic. This wasn't right? Right? I was raised with this image of right and wrong. Though I, personally, don't judge people based on whom they love. Everyone deserves to feel love, to be loved, to be in love. I just wish my parents, siblings, and Nona all thought the same way.
My phone vibrated on my nightstand. My room was darkened from the dark curtains I'd hung last week.
"Hello?" I answered, my voice weak.
"Naty?" My manager was on the other end and I truly didn't care that no one wanted to buy my songs anymore. I was over everything but couldn't go back to L.A just yet.
"Yeah, hi I'm here," I tried to pep myself up but the shadows on my shoulders were keeping me down.
"When can you get to a studio? I'm having an emergency and need your vocals like asap," she sounded stressed out, even more so than I was.
"Probably an hour or so, why my vocals? I don't even sing?" I chuckled. I knew how to sing but I did not want the drama of singing on a song that wasn't going to be sung over.
"My vocalist bailed on this track and I just need someone to cover it so we can get it sent back to L.A tonight," she paused and muttered directions to the people around her. "It's busy here, I will send my location. Get here as soon as you can," with that she was gone.
I stared at my phone and it was the third day I had stayed in bed until noon. I flopped my duvet to the other side of the bed and dragged myself out of it. My toothpaste was refreshing but as I stared in the mirror in front of me, I didn't see my self.
Lovers Spit was on repeat as I pulled my hair out reminiscing. I remember sitting at the foot of her bed as she'd laugh trying to teach me how to roll a blunt.
"I can't believe you don't know how to do this," she laughed laying her head next to me. She had the blunt between her lips with her hand blocking the flames of the lighter.
"I wasn't really into it," I felt no shame in not going through a high phases. She took a puff, blowing oh's into my face.
Her phone would vibrate from the nightstand and we would ignore it. Just like when Harry would try to reach me. The thought always creeped back into my head. The guilt, everything felt overwhelming. No one deserved this. She was happy with Claire, I was happy with Harry. Why was this happening?
I breathed in the smoke as I watched her smoke. Her hair was scattered around her head and her eyes slowly texturized below me. Her shirt was slightly lifted from her position, showing the bottom of her stomach. He jeans were low rise and fell pretty low.
I remember thinking in that moment I should take charge. I should fuck her right there, but I didn't. I instead told her the story of how a girl I went to school with came out. It was the first time anyone I knew had done it.
I told my Nona and she was disappointed. She blamed this era and the media. She blamed mental Heath and sickness. She even wrote her parents giving them suggestions on places they could send her for help. She also blamed them for introducing their child to 'such ways'.
While I wanted to do what Mikaela had done to me to her, I couldn't. I remember acting strange until I was so high I couldn't feel anything. Everything was okay then.
"Thank you," I spoke to the Uber driver as the car pulled over in front of the studio. I payed quickly on the side walk and rushed into the building.
The studio was cold and everyone seemed a little panicked. There were a few people I had never seen before, but then again I wasn't too familiar with the people from the New York branch yet.
"Thank you so much, I really owe you one," I heard Alice from behind me. I turned around and she stood there with her clipboard.
"I needed to leave the house anyway," I shrugged. "Let's do this," I urged already wanting to be back at the apartment.
We walked up a flight of hidden stairs to the master studio. I hadn't written in here before but I've heard about it. I just thought it was a myth. The room was dark and accented with gold and silver awards and framed pictures.
"Go ahead and listen to the old one," she was messing with the panel and tossing headphones into my arms. She handed me a folder full of lyrics and sheet music. "I need this to be golden Nat," I nodded as she said her thanks and headed back downstairs.
I listened to the lyrics throughly and imitated the runs and jotted down notes. The song was good but it was definitely lacking the passion. I stepped into the booth and sang it for her. For some reason I found myself feeling every word that left my mouth. Every note made me want to see her, every chord danced in my head until I felt every ion in my body. Just like our first night.
I left the booth as the producer scramble the song around and plopped down on the chair. I hadn't read any of my text in the last few days and hadn't talked to anyone besides Alice.
53 messages. I figured if anything was too important they'd call.
<so busy, hope you're well. Love you most -H>
<are you awake, call me -H>
<what day is your parents party? I need to be sure I don't over extend like last year lol -H>
I read all of his messages and didn't care about any of them. I scrolled down to find her name and there it was. My heart was racing like a child but knowing I was on her mind was enough for me.
<I miss you> I read from this morning. How did I miss that?
<hey> she'd sent last night, I truly don't even recall being in my phone last night at all
<is everything okay? You were being a little strange, yeah?> she had sent almost immediately after I left her apartment the other night.
"That take was incredible," the producer said as my nose was still in the phone. "I don't think I need anything else tonight. I will tell Alice if it's sent back tomorrow or not," I looked up almost proud and suddenly I was feeling better.
I rushed down the stairs and out the door. The air was fresh and sticky but I didn't feel like waiting on a cab but I knew where I needed to be and I wasn't going to get there anytime soon on foot.
My heart was racing through my chest as I stood in the elevator just waiting to get to her floor. I just wanted to see her, touch her. I wanted to feel her lips on mine.
I paced on her floor in front of her door for awhile before knocking. I could hear her behind the door and realized I looked a mess and hadn't showered since I'd left here the last time. My hair was a mess and I felt pathetic but it was too late to turn back now.
"Hey," I simply stated as the door cracked open. I didn't know what else to say as she looked more shocked than excited to see me.
She was wearing a black sports bra with black boyfriend short curt underwear. Her hair was wet and I thought maybe I had just caught her as fresh from the shower.
"I wasn't expecting you," is all she said as she slid out into the hallway closing the door behind her. "You okay?" She sized me up but I could tell I wasn't the only one nervous. I nodded, but I could tell she wasn't convinced. "Talia, this isn't a good time," she cracked the door open peeping her head in.
"Oh," I could hear staggering behind the door and as her hair lifted from her shoulders, the fresh scratch marks appeared. "I'm sorry," I walked away with my stomach in a pit.
"I will call you later!" She yelled softly and for just one minute, I believed her.