The whole house started to vibrate with the flurry of activity as people started to leave in droves. We were in the alley at the side of the house and had a clear route out. So we ran, hand in hand, sorting through the first people who came out. I tugged him in the direction of my car and we climbed on it in a rush.
"Call Ellen, please."
He did, just as I turned on my car. "She says she got out with Chris and Gigi. She doesn't know where Anthony or the others are."
"Okay, text them."
We got no answer immediately, so I took the executive decision of pulling off the driveway and getting the hell out of dodge. I wasn't about to risk Santi's or my future over a stupid party that wasn't even much fun. Except for that back alley, that had had potential. I saw the police cars turn in as soon as I took a bend on a corner. We managed to put good enough distance that I didn't think we were being followed. In any case, we hadn't been the only car peeling it off. We just blended with the traffic at University Boulevard.
Santi's phone went off then and he said, "It's Anthony." I sighed in relief. Santi put the phone on loud speaker and our friend told us he'd got away with Jessica and McCann. He'd ended up driving McCann's car, and the latter was busy making out in the backseat with his ex. I couldn't help but laugh at that, releasing some of the tension in my shoulders. I hoped the rest of our boys got out without problem and vowed to check with each one of them as soon as I got home. I tried to relax and loosened the vice grip on the steering wheel.
And then the unthinkable happened.
Some asshole drove on the wrong direction, speeding straight at us.
My body reacted before my brain could understand what was going on. I veered sharply to the right and narrowly avoided a head on collision, but my car bumped against the sidewalk and for a moment it felt like we were airborne. I screamed. I screamed so much that it was all I could hear. The car crashed back down on its wheels and the speed took us off of the sidewalk and back on the road. It took me a second to set our course straight. I looked in the rearview mirror, fearing that someone might not see our struggle and just crash into us, but all I could see was the crazy asshole speeding off in the distance, still on the wrong lanes.
I was shaking and was drawing in breath in gasps at that point. I drove slowly until I found a Chick-Fil-A and just pulled into the parking lot and turned off the car.
And then I looked at Santi, and I almost died.
He was frozen, white as paper. He wouldn't blink. I didn't even know if he was breathing.
I wailed and threw myself against him, and was relieved to find that his heart was still beating. I repeated the word fuck like it was a mantra. I took off our seatbelt and jumped out of the car. When he remained inside I opened his door and pulled him out into the open air until he sat with me on the grass. A couple came out of the restaurant and looked at us funny as they got on their car.
I grabbed Santi's hand and squeezed, my heart breaking for the trauma he was reliving. "I'm so sorry, Santi. Please, talk to me. Are you okay? Please..."
He squeezed my hand back so hard it almost felt like he'd break it. But I didn't care. I reached out and wrapped my arms around him from behind. We stayed like that for who knew how long, until his shoulders started to shake and I knew that he was crying. I kissed the top of his head and his neck.
"You're not alone," I told him. "I'm with you. I'm not going anywhere and neither are you."
Here I was, trying to comfort him even though my entire body was quivering like a newborn fowl, but that was what love did to you. You got strength from where you didn't have any to give it away.
After a while my knees started to feel sore, and I sat back next to him. Unbidden he wrapped his arms around me, sitting me in between his legs. He was warm and not shaky anymore, and the tight coil in my belly unwounded a bit as he drove the chill away from me.
"Are you okay?" I asked.
He nodded against the side of my face. "I will be."
I hugged myself tighter with his arms. He wasn't, but he hoped he'd be. And so did I.
"I'll be here for you."
He kissed my cheek. "Thank you."
Gradually we calmed down, maybe just by the virtue of hearing each other breathe and realize we were fine. The car was fine. We got lucky. A year ago, Seb and Santi hadn't been so lucky. I shivered when I thought about it, how it must have been for Santi to see his life flash in front of his eyes, feel the impact and realize his world was forever upturned, just as their car had landed after the crash.
According to the coroner's report, Seb hadn't died on impact. He'd been badly injured in the car, still lucid until the ambulance arrived to the hospital. Santiago had never spoken about it, but we knew he'd been awake, watching his brother's life slowly drain out of his gruesome wounds. Probably trying to hold on to him even as the concussion threatened to make him fade as well.
Suddenly with a raspy voice, he said, "Did you know I had the Yips before going to Caracas this summer?"
My lips trembled. I was shocked I hadn't cried tonight. I was shocked dry.
I mulled his words over, remembering the first few months after, especially. He hadn't touched a bat after the accident.
"I figured."
"I never told anybody why."
I shook my head softly, not to disturb him. "You din't have to. You'd just seen your big brother die."
"No," he surprised me by saying. "It wasn't just his death, it was what happened while he died." He swallowed audibly. "That night, you remember? I wanted to talk with Seb alone." I remembered. I'd have been on their car, sitting in the backseat on the way to that party if Santi hadn't said no. I'd never thought about it, but he might have saved my life. His voice worked with difficulty as he continued, "About you."
I startled, blinking at the front tire of my car in my field of vision. "What?"
It was easy to tell that he was struggling with this. His body was tense and his breathing clipped. But he wanted to get it out now, and so I waited.
"He told me before the game. Seb was going to confess to you." I froze, but he continued seemingly without noticing, his voice darkening into almost a growl. "I was so angry at him. He got all the talent and glory. I didn't want any of that because all I ever wanted was you. And he was going to take you, too. That was the only thing I didn't want to give him." His voice broke. "And then we were rammed into, and all I could say to him as we were stuck in there, with broken shards and blood all over us — his blood, was that I was sorry. I was so sorry. I'm so sorry. And now I got you and only it's because he died."
"No!" I hastened to say, I tried to turn but he wouldn't let me. He didn't want to say these things and have to look me in the eye. "Santi that's not true. Don't ever think that."
"Isn't it?" He buried his face against my neck muffling his voice, though they pierced me. "What would you have done if he'd looked into your eyes and told you, I love you?"
My heart stopped and I felt nothing and everything all at once.
"I... I don't know. I would've been as stunned as I am now. And I can't tell you what would have happened."
He sighed. "I know what would have happened. You'd have gone with him."
I slapped him where I could reach — his thigh. "Maybe, if you never took your shot and told me how you felt. And maybe if you both had suddenly confessed your undying affection toward me I'd have turned you both down because I'd never get in between the Miranda brothers. Not then and not now, so don't do this to me."
"I just can't help but think-"
"Well don't." I cut him off. "Because he's gone and you're here. But you're the one I want under my skin even when you're pissing me off like now."
That was enough. I slipped out of his hold and swiveled to face him. His face was stricken with old grief and a new fear that what he said was true, and that somehow that would erase what we were only starting to build. I grabbed his tear streaked cheeks and squeezed them together, looking him dead in the eye.
"Have you never got it, Santi?" I asked him. "I've only realized now that I want you both with and without clothes in my life, but it's always been you. It was always you I tormented, screamed at, punched — I did anything to get a reaction out of you, to make you look at me. You've been my entire world and if all you want me to say is I love you then there it is. I love you, Santiago. I love you."
His Adam's apple bobbed. His mouth looked a lot like a goldfish's with the way I held his face, and despite the seriousness of the moment I found myself smiling. This was it. I saw the cloud start to dissipate from his eyes.
His words came out funny. "You're my world too, Pey. You and my brother. And I feel like I lost him because I was selfish. And it's not right that I get you all to myself now."
I lifted my chin in defiance. "It feels pretty damn right to me and that doesn't take away from the fact that I miss Seb and loved him, too. The question here is, do you love me?"
He swallowed. "I do."
I nodded, as if there'd been no shred of doubt that he'd give any other possible answer. I felt this in my bones.
"Then stop doubting yourself, us. Stop thinking about what ifs. Stop thinking of Seb's death when you look at me and just look at me. Think of me, us, our future. Fight for it. Even if it means fighting against your own green eyed monster."
After a second of no reaction, he did something shocking. Santi lifted his hands and squeezed my cheeks as well.
"I want to."
I was sure my eyes twinkled as I said, "Then it's my job to give you what you want." I gave him a sweet, goldfish kiss. "Let's go home."
the truth is all out. did you see it coming? pardon the pun.
also, driving in florida is an experience. 😳