Lauren,
I thought about how to start this letter to you so many times yet nothing really seemed right.
Why?
Why did you leave?
I told you about my past, I told you about how much I needed you, did it mean nothing to you?
Do I mean nothing to you?
It feels like it sometimes. But then again, maybe I made you feel the same way. It's just all unclear to me, unfinished, so I don't understand how you would think it is.
You told me it was me that was hard to understand though, it was me that was being unclear. And maybe you're right, maybe I was never as honest with you as I should've been.
So here it is. Here is me being completely honest with you about us, about how I felt throughout our relationship, starting from the beginning.
--
3:04 am: Hey, how's it going?
3:04 am: You're v cute.
Lauren inwardly cringed at her two messages but she was never good at starting conversations on any of these dating apps. She looked at Camila's pictures again, her features to Lauren seemed so delicate, maybe it was the warm brown eyes or the inviting plush lips. The last girl to have such innocent features turned out to be far from it, but surely it can't happen twice in a row.
Lauren didn't feel like she was even over the last fully. She admired Camila's pictures and she made the move but she wasn't expecting much from the conversation, if she even replied. She was sure she was destined to live in her loneliness because she'd never find someone that could give her those feelings Lucy gave her. She could never find someone that could give her maybe even more than those feelings, a reason and purpose beyond just that person.
9:43 am: So does v cute mean really cute or really really cute?
Lauren knew just from the response that she wasn't much like the rest. Camila completely disregarded her compliment, her boring conversation starter and went straight to a question that led to it being far from basic.
Lauren will always remember these two messages as the start of their exchange, because she'll look back at it later on. She'll look back at it and realize she was doomed from the start. She had no idea that her already worn heart had no idea what actual hurt was, it only got an introduction to it with Lucy.
And Camila was going to charm her way into that same heart to show her the main course.
--
I remember when we first started talking and I knew, right from the start, you were different. So different, you're a beautiful girl with a beautiful mind. All I wanted was to know more, to know everything, but the more I knew, the closer I got. And the closer I got, the more I felt like I had to pull myself away.
Your beauty was surreal to me when we started talking, Lauren; it was magnifying onto me with every second I got to spend looking into your mind. That feeling that I got in that first day has never stopped, even when I wanted it to.
And god, you made me feel beautiful too. You made me feel like I could be open, like I could say anything to you and could still be perfect, and I guess I never thanked you for that. So thank you, thank you for showing me what it's like to talk to someone that can give me such a wonderful feeling.
Thank you for showing me the way I should have always have been treated, the way I should always feel now when I talk to someone new.
--
6:30 pm: You're the fuckboy here, I'm the innocent one. You'll probably break my heart.
6:31 pm: Oh please, I'm soft, okay. Besides I could never break your heart, you're my queen.
6:33 pm: Swoon. You're such a sweet talker, if this is all part of a ploy then I don't even care. I am but a moth to a flame when it comes to you.
6:35 pm: I'm just saying how I feel. If I could have you in my life forever I would, to have you by my side would be all I ever need.
6:35 pm: So I guess what I'm saying is.
6:35 pm:
6:36 pm: May I have your hand in marriage?
6:38 pm: Oh, Lauren. I don't know what to say.
6:38 pm: What a beautiful ring, and I mean it's a good effort and all...
6:39 pm: But I like blue raspberry not cherry. God, I thought you would know this as my future wife, step your game up.
Lauren looked at the message as she sat at her desk doing her schoolwork. She shook her head as a smirk rose up on her face. Everytime Lauren pulled something like she did just now, a dramatic humorous antic, Camila would reply so seamlessly matching her humor. In many ways, it felt like Camila constantly one upped her and it was definitely not something she was used to. She was used to people not understanding her humor altogether, but Camila not only understood it but was great at challenging it.
They'd only been talking for two days, but that was two days Lauren hadn't thought once about Lucy. The girl that broke her heart before she started to talk to Camila. Two days where Lauren would wait in anticipation for Camila to text her again. And Camila didn't really have her waiting that long, at least in the beginning she didn't.
8:30 pm: I dream of traveling one day and getting to see all types of sites you can see here. I wanna climb a mountain, that's first on my list. But I don't think I'm in any physical shape to do that lol. I'm nowhere near where I want to be.
Right as Lauren said that she got a text from her dad.
8:30 pm: I don't know what la la land you're in if you think moving will make anything better. Grow up, Lauren.
Lauren had just recently moved out, finding herself a roommate was an escape. Her father had just lost his job and started to be a nuisance to Lauren everyday, demeaning and belittling her as if she was not his own daughter. It was as if she could do nothing right in that household. She went to school during the week, worked hard for a degree to make him proud, yet now he wants her to drop out and work. Work so that way he could take all her money and spend it on booze, like he does with her mother's money.
She would come home and see her mom locked herself in the room again, crying about who knows what. Probably something little that her drunk father was blowing out of proportion, like a dish still being in the sink. It was too much. Lauren needed out of there, she'd rather die alone with insanity than in the household by the hand of her father.
Lauren ignored it, like she ignored all texts from her father. Camila was replying quickly to her and that helped, it made it easier. She now has someone that could help her forget about her shitty life. And as they talked about their future, the one Lauren always dreamed of having but at times, recently, felt like it was pointless to even attempt to get it. Camila was giving her a little bit of hope, and just a little was all that she needed to keep going.
8:32 pm: Are any of us ever actually anywhere near where we want to be, Lauren?
8:32 pm: That doesn't make it any farther. I can picture it now, you climbing the treacherous hike up the tallest of mountains and ending in serenity as look down from above surrounded by the most beautiful of flowers. My mountain flower.
This message was the first of what would become typical to expect of Camila's reply. Lauren would talk about whatever was on her mind, expressing it in often the most lazy and nonsensical way. Then Camila would reply with something like that, her way with words was beyond beautiful and so seemingly effortless.
But it was Lauren that was supposed to be the writer.
8:33 pm: If I'm the mountain flower, you're my mountain queen.
8:34 pm: Well, I do like being queen.
8:34 pm: You know what? You're right, Lauren. I shall forevermore be ruler of this land and with me as leader there will be bloodshed to those who reject my power, those who reject the mass admiration that shall be bestowed upon me.
Lauren laughed instantly at the message. That's one thing she really grew to admire about Camila as well, her rather bizarre sense of humor often was implemented in long paragraphs where she would talk like she was some sort of bloodthirsty empress from the medieval ages. Lauren liked to refer to it as her dramatic monologues. She'd imagine being able to sit next to Camila, having a normal conversation, and Camila suddenly getting lost in her own mind, letting her eloquent yet twisted words fall together seamlessly while turning away from Lauren and looking in the distance like she's in a Shakespearean play.
8:35 pm: I would want nothing more than to experience the world with you, Lauren.
Just a sentence like that, so simple would cause Lauren's eyes to tear. That's all she's ever wanted, a companion in life and she found it with Camila.
Everyone around Lauren would give her looks while she texted Camila, because Lauren would go through a list of emotions and as a private person she didn't want to tell her acquaintances at school or her roommate about Camila. No one else really needed to know, even if she was bad at hiding the fact that she was talking everyday to someone that made her feel hopeful for once. Lauren wanted a future when talking to Camila, she wanted to live when talking to Camila.
Talking to her, even if it is just through text, was an experience in itself that was so unique to Lauren, so beautiful. She wanted to capture everything about this girl, she wanted to learn all there was to know about her, she wanted to write about her capturing that same fervent essence she feels while talking to her, but all of the above proved to be impossible.
It was impossible to write about someone who one couldn't ever fully know, and that was because Camila protected herself so that she could never be captured in the way Lauren wanted her.
--
I masked everything about me as I always do. The truth was I don't know how to properly express myself in the ways that you do.
I admire your writing, Lauren. I know you don't believe me, you think that your way with words is child's play in comparison to mine. But the truth is, I admire your writing because of it's simplicity. You can take major concepts you're passionate about, all the messy, chaotic emotions that you're feeling, and break them down so it's just there, simply and nakedly, and I'm so envious of that. I'm envious of that fact you even have the confidence to do that.
That's what I'm trying to do right now, I'm trying to write like you. There's going to be no dramatic monologues or interludes, there's no masking emotions anymore. I know you love them so much, but I also know that they might have been the tactic that allowed me to stay so close to you yet far away at the same time.
--
Lauren has been hooked on Camila for a little over a week now, and yet, she just got her number yesterday.
The conversation between the two girls just kept flowing that no time felt appropriate enough for her to suggest they move it to texting. They even already shared poetry with each other. Something Lauren doesn't usually do with just any Tinder match; her poetry, her writing, was her lifeline. It was her inner thoughts that she could only ever share with strangers, if she could even share them, yet there she was.
12:30 am: I was in a dark place before talking to you, you know.
12:30 am: Life it's been hard on me, honestly. I feel so alone all the time and then I'll get involved in someone and they make me feel less alone but every connection we ever make as humans is temporary.
12:31 am: The last girl, I haven't really gone into detail about her I know, but she hurt me. I had this image of me and her, of what we could be, and it was crushed when I found out just how much hers and mine didn't align.
12:31 am: But you're different. God, you're so much different, Camila. I feel like we're on the same energy, one that isn't in friction, colliding against each other.
12:33 am: Oh, Lauren.
12:33 am: I love it when you talk energy to me.
Lauren chuckled at the reply, not even minding that it was rather short for the typical Camila reply she's used to. It was relatively late for Camila to be up in the first place, so Lauren is used to her replies shortening as she tries to fight sleep to stay up so they can talk. Lauren told her multiple times she didn't have to, but truthfully, Lauren appreciated it greatly because the night was Lauren's favorite time. The night was Lauren's time to think, it was her time to reflect, and at times let go. It was a time for solitude, Lauren enjoyed being alone in her room every night just so her mind could finally be free.
But with freedom, it wanders and sometimes it wanders to dark places that Lauren wishes it didn't. That was late at night, by that time Camila was long asleep, and she was left to deal with her mind on her own.
Lauren laid down on her bed, she finally put down her phone and decided to go to sleep. She gave her phone one last look, the illuminated screen reading 4:23 am before turning off and leaving her in the darkness.
This was the most dangerous time, when she was left alone in the dark. She looked towards the window for some form of light but it was still too early for the sun to rise. Sunrises were Lauren's favorite thing, they were comforting. They signaled to her that she made it to the other day already and she could fall asleep.
4:25 am: Hey
Lauren sent with tears starting to form in her eyes.
4:25 am: I know you're sleeping, but it's just, tonight's a bad night, I'm feeling sad again.
Lauren felt it overcoming her, but she combated it with Camila. Camila was giving her a source of happiness, a source of light when she needed it the most.
4:27 am: I'm really glad you're in my life, Camz.
Tears now slowly rolled down her cheek as she typed her next message.
4:30 am: But I'm scared, I'm scared you'll leave me like everyone else did. I hope you don't but when it gets to this time of the night, I have no faith in anything or anyone. I'm just faced with all this loneliness and left to sulk in my own sadness.
Lauren was being candid in her feelings, maybe too candid. But she felt like she was passed the point where she even cared. Lauren didn't want to feel the emptiness in the air around her and inside herself anymore. All she needed was someone to fill it, just a tiny bit.
She needed someone to confide in, someone that would listen to her, someone that would care for her, and she thought she had found that in Camila.
Lauren soothed herself by picturing that she wasn't alone in the room, she was laying down besides Camila, cuddling her. Suddenly, the emptiness was gone. The parts of her heart that are constantly in pained were filled again. She could fall asleep before the sun rose with warm thoughts about the other girl.
Camila's text the next morning only encouraged Lauren even more.
10:15 am: There's no time to sulk in sadness anymore my beautiful mountain flower. There's only time for you to be smothered by my undying love, all my hugs and kisses and mushy affection. And I will slaughter anyone who causes my dear Lauren any form of sadness, I'll burn the whole village down if I have to. Fuck the village, I'll set the whole cold world on fire for you Lauren. Anything to make my love smile.
Warmth washed over Lauren and she smiled, she actually was able to wake up and smile and that was because of Camila. Camila so intricately intertwined their dramatic dialogue with sentiments Lauren saw as genuine. At least that what Lauren had thought at the time.
Camila would set the world on fire for her, that means she cares, right?
—
I hope you never doubt the things I said to you, the things I felt for you. I know the me in the first month of knowing you versus don't align with how it was in the end, but that doesn't mean I never cared you, Lauren.
—
And Lauren didn't doubt it, not at this time. Lauren thought they were both on the same page, she cared for Camila and she knew Camila cared for her, but what she didn't know was that one was still different from the other.
She didn't realize it at first; she lived in bliss for so long thinking that they were developing a love, a connection through text that would translate to something more, something bigger than what she could imagine.
But she didn't realize how wrong she was. No, not until Camila started to get busy.