CHAPTER NINETEEN- Broken family and phone calls.
“Kill me.” Niall breathed leaning forward in his seat as his fingers scrabbled hastily all over the controller. “I dare you.”
I smirked comparing how organised and slowly but surely, each movement a winner my fingers moved across my controller compared to his.
“I told you,” I mused smugly as I gained another ten points. “I still have the knack.”
He rolled his eyes making a few more prominent jabs with his fingers at the controller and then threw it down in frustration as he just stared at his slowly dying animated character displayed on the screen in HD, LCD and surround sound for his own virtual suicide observing benefits.
“Awh calm down Nialler, maybe you’ll win next time.”
I patted him on the shoulder all while keeping my game in active action as I continued to beat his character into oblivion.
“Do you know how morally wrong and embarrassing it is to have your girlfriend beat you at your own best game?”
He reasoned sighing inwardly as he sunk back into the sofa crossing his arms over his chest huffing as he watched me beat him to shame for the sixth time. I smiled as the bright blue text proclaimed that I had won and I smirked at him as I set my controller down onto the arm of the sofa. I sunk back into the sofa next to him but he refused to look at me keeping his arms folded on his chest and a scowl playing on his lips.
“Oh come on. Best of five?”
I reasoned smiling at him, he just continued to frown.
“We already did that.”
He mumbled and I almost laughed, I knew all too well we already had. It was just so entertaining to tease about it.
“Well, if you’re going to sulk about it then I guess I’ll just go and make some business calls or something…”
I shrugged dismissively as I got up and slowly made my way out. But he shot back up grabbing my wrist and pulling me back.
“No! I’m okay now. Can we just play something else? Preferably something you can’t play to save your life…”
I smirked as I retreated back into the room and I was about to sit back down to sift through the pile of games but I was abruptly pulled onto his lap and shifted into a position which would be impossible to get out of if I wanted to.
“Or,” He shrugged drawing me closer to him and resting his forehead on mine. “We could just forget the game completely…”
“But…” I bit my lip shuffling even closer. “We only have about an hour until they get back.”
I reminded him as he began twisting a piece of hair around his finger.
“Mmm but no. Zayn text me to say that Harry and Louis are pissed so they’re stopping at a hotel for the night.”
“And you didn’t think to volunteer up this information earlier?”
I raised my eye-brows and he shrugged.
“I was too busy with thrashing you at fifa.”
“But you didn’t thrash me though, did you?”
I giggled and he frowned.
“Close enough.”
He scoffed and I just smiled pressing my lips to his for a few seconds before pulling away and moving his arms so I could slide off his lap. He just watched me as I walked away to the kitchen and flicked the light on.
“What are you doing?”
He questioned as he followed me into the kitchen and I switched the kettle on and began sifting through the cupboards.
“Making myself a drink.”
I informed him as if this should be obvious. He didn’t say anything as he slid onto the worktop watching me with those eyes.
“Can I have a sandwich?”
He questioned pouting at me and I rolled my eyes.
“No because there’s no bread. Niall it’s like one in the morning how can you want a sandwich?”
I laughed and he shrugged looking from me to the window.
“I’m hungry…hey you know what we should do?”
He smiled and I raised my eye-brows as I turned to face him leaning against the unit as I waited for him to continue.
“Go for a walk…and then we can go to the off licence and get some bread. Everybody wins.”
“Niall it’s like thunder storming out there…”
I reminded him as if on cue another loud and deep bellowing rumble of thunder sounded and we both looked at the ceiling as if it was in the attic itself.
“Exactly. I thought you liked the rain...”
“I do…but I’m gonna go and change if we are, cus I’m not going out in a thunderstorm wearing shorts…”
“You go do that then and I’ll sort your drink.”
He smiled sliding down from the worktop and pressing a kiss to my forehead before I made my way upstairs.
I pulled back the curtains to my balcony doors and observed how heavy the rain was actually pelting against anything it’s path. I watched as a staggered zap of lightning split the sky into the sea along with another loud rumble or thunder. I didn’t really know what you were supposed to put on in this weather so I settled with some khaki skinny fit chinos, a black top and cardigan before leaving my hair as it was concluding it was going to get soaked anyway. Bravely, I wiped off all my remaining make-up and left it at that making my way back downstairs.
Niall smiled handing me a to-go coffee cup filled to the brim with my hot chocolate.
“Thanks.”
I said wincing slightly as I burnt my tongue on the scorching liquid.
“It’s okay, ready?”
He asked holding his hand out for me; I took it with ease giving him a nod as we stepped out onto the porch the dim lights flickering on with our presence.
“Are you kidding me?”
I shouted as the rain was so noisy. Niall smirked holding my hand tighter as I put my hood up squinting at the beach through the rain.
“It’ll be fine. It’s just water. Ready? One…two-“
Before he even got to three he had pulled me out from under the porch and we were running along the beach the wet sand squelching underneath out feet as we veered off the right and made a dash down the lane until we got to the overgrown bit where the trees sheltered us.
“Are you not tired?”
He asked his breath hitched as we then continued to walk.
“No, not really.”
I shrugged and he gave me a confused look.
“For someone who um…doesn’t really um, eat a lot, you always have a lot of energy.”
“Caffeine.”
I replied distantly looking away not wanting to see his reaction.
“Ashley?”
He said sternly coming to an abrupt stop and before I knew it his finger was underneath my chin forcing me to look at him as he stared at me intently, purpose and intention written all over his face as he just stared at me.
“Y-Yeah?”
I stuttered trying to sound as put together as possible but his seriousness had me questioning whether this situation was worth concealing how my voice was cracking as I could feel the subject coming.
“Next week, are you going back to England?”
He asked concern and worry lacing his tone and for a moment I wondered why this would matter but then it hit me and I felt sick.
“I err, I don’t know.”
“I think you should take some time off work.”
He blurted and my eyes widened and the mention of missing any possible work. Not possible.
“I can’t. Why?”
I retorted instantly and he shrugged scuffing his shoes against the damp tarmac looking at his feet before back up at me through his damp hair that had fallen in his eyes.
“Because…Because you need it, you deserve it. But most of all, you need it. Ashley…think back to that night a few weeks ago and what you said to me. That was true, and that was necessary, what you said, yeah? Ash…Please, don’t do this to yourself. You just need it.”
“Niall, what are you talking about? What’s your point?”
I stuttered but I had a feeling I knew. I was just hanging onto the hope that it wasn’t what I thought but most of all, I was stalling, I did this, just put things off. I’d been doing it for ages now, always finding something and claiming it’s importance was of that over.
“Ash, look I love you, but you know what I’m talking about. You need…You need to get some help.”
He blurted and for a moment we both just looked at each other. And then as I stared back at him I noticed the tears gathering in his eyes. I closed my eyes for a few seconds swallowing as I noticed the lump rising in my throat. No. This cannot be happening. Not again. No. Right then, at that moment, I wanted everything to just slip away and for everything to be okay again. Why? Why me? Why now? It was only until I felt his skin brushing against my cheek that I realised a few tears had escaped my eyes but I couldn’t be bothered to care. My stomach was doing summersaults at the thought of having to go through this all again. Suffering seemed better than going through the getting better process, so much easier to ignore than to take action. So much easier to cope with pretending something wasn’t happening than putting yourself on a path that would take too long and be filled with too many tears and insecurities to be passed as half bearable.
“Ash?”
His voice brought me briefly from my memories but only for a few seconds and then I was engulfed in the past again almost slipping into it.
“Ashley.”
He said a bit more assertive and this time he placed his hands on my shoulder and shook me slightly. It took every ounce of will power I had to open my eyes and re-enter this conversation but he was still staring at me with the same intensity and concern as if I had never left.
“No.”
I breathed but it was barely a whisper. In fact, it probably didn’t even qualify as a syllable. I regretted it as soon as it left my mouth and rolled off my tongue and I hoped that maybe he hadn’t heard but judging by the expression on his face I knew he head.
“Ash. Will you please just consider? Listen to me Ash just-“
“Niall I’m sorry. Okay? I’m sorry that I’m such a mess but you really don’t understand, I can’t do it. I can’t do it again Niall, I’m...I’m sure I’ll be fine.”
He just looked at me the same way I just looked at him. My hair was sticking to my cheeks and the tears I had shed were covered by the rain as I just stared back at him.
“Ashley, you know I love you and I’m sorry if I sound blunt, but you’re not fine. Okay? You’re not. I used to have a friend like you; she got down to below 80 pounds at one point. I’m scared, Ash.”
“Used to?”
I squeaked and then I saw something snap inside of him as I said this and his face softened.
“Yeah,” He said reaching a hand up and running his fingers through his wet hair. “She…She died.”
“N-Niall…I’m so sorry.”
And suddenly I felt guilty. Guilty that I had a chance to save myself and I was refusing it. Because I was scared and most of all, I knew how it went and I was letting my life and job here take over and stop me. Stalling. I was stalling. But everyone knows there’s only so much you can put something off before it’s too late and the opportunities missed, gone, within a whispering gust of wind it’s gone, I’m gone. Because I wouldn’t let anyone save me from myself. This was my fault, that I let it get this far again. Stupid. So stupid. I am completely and utterly dumb but somehow I just kept going, I couldn’t fight the cravings to just skip a meal or two, I couldn’t fight the feeling that however much weight I lost I still wasn’t good enough, not perfect enough. It was just so infuriating, being trapped inside your own body, voices constantly whispering inside of you telling you that you ate too much today when in reality you ate much less than what’s considered healthy. And I knew, from experience, that I didn’t even have to eat the guideline amount, I had to over-eat in order to get myself back to normal. I’d been through it before to know how this all went, every step of the way. It was like a vicious cycle and I couldn’t help but wonder that if, I had stayed with Niall then I’d be okay now, finally, over it all. But I guess there was no telling since it was already too late.
He shook his head now reaching forward and brushing the tears from my cheeks.
“She’s nothing to do with this. It’s you I’m talking about. That is half the reason I am so scared Ashley, I’m scared for you and I’m a little bit scared for myself, I mean, I don’t want to think about things like this but Ash, in all realty, I don’t know what the hell I would do without you. The past year has been hard enough and at least you were still around then. I’m sorry, I hate talking like this but maybe, Ash, this is what it has come to. Please, Ashley, just listen and try something, just anything to help you. Please?”
I blinked once the rain was still positively pouring but I hardly even noticed it anymore and I couldn’t decide whether his eyelashes were wet with tears or just the rain, possibly both.
“N-Niall. I’m sorry. I am so sorry that it’s come to this, but honestly, right now, I just feel like it’s too late…”
And this was true. That I felt like this. The only person I really had a good relationship with right now was Niall and he was too busy to be able to care and be there the whole time, it wasn’t his fault and I knew he didn’t want it to be like that, but this isn’t some dream ideal world, this is reality and it sucks, big time. But it’s what we live in and I should just appreciate that I have Niall at all.
“No!” He protested taking both my hands and bending down a bit to my height. “Don’t say that. It’s never too late to try, okay? Just please, for me-“
“Niall I really do love you but you don’t understand that this is really hard for me. Like you’re the only one who’s really even noticing and caring enough to say things like this and next week, I’m gonna have to go somewhere and it’s not gonna be with you, however much I want it to. And-“
“Who says it has to be like that? Ashley if you need me I’ll be there, just as long as-“
“It’s not fair for you to take time out from the band for me.”
“What? Of course it is.”
“Niall it’s not though, that’ll just make me feel even guiltier. This is my fault and I should deal with it myself, you shouldn’t need to worry about me.”
But I was starting to be enthused in my suggestions less and less by the second realising I hated the sound of them.
“Look, let’s not do this here. Let’s go back home and we’ll…”
But he stopped as he realised I was crying. Bawling in fact. Thick and fast sobs and he immediately pulled me into his chest rubbing soothing circles in my back. As I clung onto him as if for dear life itself. I hated this, being so weak at the moment. I should always be strong, however much it hurt I had taught myself to suck it up and save the tears for when I got to somewhere private where nobody else could see you posses such weakness as crying but here I was, bawling my eyes out into his chest as he soothed me.
“Shhh it’s alright love….Shhh you’re not alone, ever.”
This, was something which made my heart skip a beat. Just the addition of that one word on the end. The promise that no matter what, I would never been alone. It would have been equally as sweet but different if he had just said you’re not alone but he hadn’t he had added the ever on the end and that really, to the average person seemed like nothing but to me, it meant so much. So, so much. Because when you’re family is ever un-reliable and sometimes you don’t even feel right to be turning to them for help it’s so re-assuring to have someone else who is willing to be there for you, making sure you’re okay and that you’re never alone and not because they have to, not because they’re obliged to because he’s not. Right now, however horrible it would be to, he could walk away and never look back at me again if he wanted to, he didn’t have to care, nobody said he had to, nobody said he had to put up with me but he did it anyway, and what that’s called, is something which changed my life since I met Niall, Love.
Maybe it was crazy, and even slightly pathetic and probably a little bit stupid how so much of my life, health and physical and emotional state had been affected by falling in love with this boy and pretending to fall out of it. Like my Mother had told me so many times, he was just a person, just a boy, and on paper, he was. A human, male human, slightly on the short side, blonde hair blues eyes, adorable accent and a bloody well good knack for singing, kind, funny, cute. He was all of these adjectives, of course he was, but to me he was much beyond that, it’s funny, isn’t it? How one person can be so much that words fail to describe. How love can blind you so greatly that in him, I see no flaws because love has me so blinded that to me, he’s absolute perfection. Able to cheer me up in mere seconds by just being there, and that smile. Oh that smile. That smile and laugh, they will be the death of me. I didn’t deserve him, of course I didn’t. Me and my messed up self, organisation obsessed, gets attached too easily, in-secure wreck and scared of new things, or maybe, not such new things. Next to him or maybe just anyone, I’m the definition of imperfect. On the outside, my demeanour in work may be to most, cool, calm and collected but on the inside, everything’s really falling apart. Of course it has improved massively since getting back with Niall, hell almost everything’s improved massively, better, even. It’s just the small burdens lingering like bad smells that seem to prevent me from being happy, mentally happy as well as physically. Everyone knows I like to be on top of things, of course I do but you can’t handle everything at once, I know this from major trial and error. I feel as if, if and when I get this eating thing sorted I’ll just be so much happier as long as I still have Niall. I want to get it sorted, of course I do but I just can’t face the process again, the long list of processes and seemingly pointless tasks that are supposed to help me. It’s clear to me what I need to do to get better, eat. But that’s the thing I’m scared of.
I looked up at him and I was aware I most likely looked like shit but right now it didn’t matter to either of us.
“I’m…I love you. Niall?”
“Yes love?”
“Th-Thank you. For just caring, seriously, thank you. I love you.”
I told him and he offered me a small smile staring down at me and the weakens I was yet again possessing.
“Ashley, it’s okay, I love you, of course I care. Let’s go back and we’ll sort something out. But Ash…Please, I promise, that even if it takes all the sleepless nights and missed rehearsals, constant tears or whatever in the world, I promise, that I will fix you and I’ll be there every step of the way, whatever it takes. I will help you, you will be okay. Because I know you can do it, you’re stronger than you realise Ash, you’ve been through a lot.”
I just looked at him willing myself not to burst into tears again, but it wasn’t because I was upset, but because what he said was just so beautiful I wanted to cry. Nobody but him had ever offered up that type of care, that promise to stick with me through thick and thin no matter what because they love me and I didn’t think they ever would, until I met Niall. It’s just indescribable and for a moment I forgot completely about all the things that were still so wrong while Niall and I were so right, he just had me captivated by his words and just him himself it was so mesmerizing, how sweet he is, it’s utterly beautiful.
“How did I get so lucky?”
I murmured not even fully convinced he heard me but then I knew he had when he smiled pressing his lips to my temple and leaning down to whisper to me.
“Exactly what I thought when I met you.”
His words were still so beautifully full of such honestly and love it was surreal. Is he trying to make me literally melt into nothing? This is so surreal, how I got so lucky.
The rain began to slow as we wondered back along the lanes and by the time we got back to the beach it had completely cleared and everything was kind of cool and dripping, the smell of the wet tarmac dense and the sand was all clumped together and thick underneath our feet as we made our way back into the house. But, what was strange as we made our way up the decking and the porch lights simultaneously flicked on as usual was that there was a light on in the house and I remember we switched them all off when we left, we definitely did. In case any of the boys decided to pop back they would think we were asleep and most certainly not enduring a secret relationship and were currently enjoying each other’s company. My heart quickened a bit and Niall furrowed his brow in confusion as he led me right to the door and lifted up the letter box squinting through it and into the house trying to decipher exactly who was here. He sighed muttering a curse under his breath as he stood back up and moved us both out the way of the door so we couldn’t be seen from inside.
“It’s Liam. I have no fucking clue what he’s doing here…Zayn did say they were staying at a hotel, didn’t he?”
He panicked and in my fragile state all I could do was shrug.
“I don’t know, I didn’t see the text.”
As if Niall needed to prove it he took his phone out scrolled through and then turned his phone around displaying the text to me which did, indeed, state that they were staying at a hotel for the night as Louis and Harry were out of their heads.
“Right. You wait here and I’ll go see what’s going on. I’ll come and get you in a minute. Sorry Ash.”
“No, it’s okay; it’s not your fault. I’m sure Liam can keep a secret too.”
I nodded assuring as possible and he just bit his lip kissing my forehead briefly before dropping my hand and cracking open the front door sending me a look before he shut it to and I saw a few more lights flicker on. I sighed inwardly as I sat down on the chair and hugged my knees to my chest. People were getting suspicious, but I mean, who wouldn’t? Our scheduled disappearances were getting more and more frequent the more we slipped back into every inch of our relationship and it was becoming increasingly harder to conceal any feelings for each other in the presence of anyone but ourselves and we’d cut it extremely close a few times. Claims that he was holding my hand because I had just fell over and he helped me up, certainly no of course not we were not just kissing or about to kiss, of course we didn’t see each other when we went shopping at similar times. Close. Always so close but never quite got there, apart from tonight, tonight we got there, with Zayn, he caught us red-handed. The boys weren’t as much of a worry, it was Claire or any other management that was, that was when the real problems would begin.
About two minutes later and the door had blown about halfway open and I could hear snippets of their conversation but I did my best to remain silent hoping Liam wasn’t getting suspicious.
“You know Nialler!” Liam began to speak loudly and I felt my palms break into sweat and my heart beat quicken. “Ash can come in because it’s a bit obvious what’s going on, don’t you think?!”
Oh crap.
I didn’t know what to do so I managed to compose myself enough and shakily stood up not sure whether I should go in or not. It was only Liam, after all, he had been talking to Danielle and that wasn’t exactly in Claire’s good books either. But maybe that was slightly different, at least she was an ‘approved’ girlfriend.
I sucked in a few deep breaths and for a moment everything was silent and all I could hear was my own footsteps as they slapped against the decking with each shaky step I took. Then as I rounded the corner of the door I felt myself relax a little as I saw Liam smirking at us both and Niall had paled a little making the slight blush on his cheeks more visible.
All of a sudden I found myself becoming defensive and anything but shy and Liam’s smirk began to annoy me so I rushed forward and Niall instantly engulfed me in my arms before I could prod Liam in the chest or whatever I was planning on doing.
“This is not funny!”
I protested at Liam but he still continued to smirk and Niall pulled me back a bit tightening his arms around me as he rested his chin on top of my head letting his fingers run through my damp waves.
“Oh I think it’s pretty funny. I’ve had my suspicions for a while and then when I got here, you both weren’t here and the Xbox was left on and both of your shoes were muddy, well you don’t have to be Sherlock to put the pieces together.”
“We’ve had this talk with Zayn and no, it is not funny.”
I snapped feeling increasingly uncomfortable with them teasing about this. Niall pulled me even closer then and leaned down his lips brushing my ear.
“Love it’s okay.”
“Wait, Zayn knows? How long has he known?!”
“Like six hours.”
Niall shot back instantly to stop me from shooting back with something else snippy. I didn’t know what it was; I just wasn’t in the mood to tolerate even if it meant well.
“Wow he kept a secret for six hours.”
Liam gasped and I rolled my eyes.
“Yeah, and you can too, but for longer than that. Besides, you can’t exactly talk…”
I reasoned sharply and his eyes widened a bit and Niall leaned down pressing a kiss to my cheek as if to silently tell me to just be nice because we needed Liam on our sweet side.
“Whoa, Ash calm down. What’s up? I’m not gonna dob on you, no worries. I just find it pretty funny.”
“Well it’s not.”
I retorted and I hadn’t even realised I was crying until I felt something warm slide down my cheek and Liam’s face softened slightly.
“Hey what’s-“
“This isn’t a good time. We’re just gonna go upstairs aren’t we? Come on Ash…Let’s go.”
Niall cooed removing his arms from me and tugging at my hands pulling me upstairs with me while Liam just stared at us, open mouthed and downright confused and so was I. I was aware that I was in a fragile state but I just didn’t think that a bit of persistent teasing from someone like Liam aka Mr good-intentions would make me begin to cry again. Then again, a lot of things are surprising me lately.
“O-Okay well see you guys tomorrow then…”
Liam stuttered sending us a faint wave as we made our way upstairs but I couldn’t find the motivation to reply or just do anything. Niall shut my bedroom door behind us and knowing that it might make me feel the slightest bit better shut all the curtains that were still open. I hastily wiped at my eyes before glancing at myself in the mirror, god I looked terrible.
“I’m just…I’m just gonna go and change I’ll be two minutes.”
I told him running a self-conscious hand through my hair; he nodded sending me a small smile as I disappeared into the bathroom.
I splashed my face with water rubbing away at the tears that were staining my cheeks and observed how my eyes were still a little bloodshot and swollen from crying. There wasn’t a lot I could do so I just pulled a brush through my hair clipping a few bits back before slipping into some pyjama shorts and a tank top. Better.
“Your phone rang.”
He informed me as soon as I shut the bathroom door behind me. I wiped at my eyes again before sauntering slowly forwards and sitting next to him on the bed.
“Who was it?”
I sniffed and he shrugged.
“I didn’t look.”
I just nodded taking it from him and scrolling for my missed calls.
My father.
What on earth would he want? Furrowing my brow I checked for any other missed calls and I had one from Ellie. I decided to call my Dad, concluding that he wouldn’t ebat around the bush as much as Ellie most likely would.
“It’s my Dad. I’ll ring him.”
I informed Niall and he just nodded offering me a small smile as I pressed my phone to my ear and listened to it ring a few times before his voice filled my ear.
“Ashley?”
His voice was deep and low. It even sounded completely new to me, like I was hearing it spoken by a stranger for the first time when in fact the last time we had spoken was a few weeks ago when I went back to England. With the assertive and no-beating-around-the-bush tone he was using I suddenly wished I had called Ellie again sensing this was bad news, because maybe, again, I wanted to stall. Linger back in the content of things before participating in the in-convenient.
“Yep?”
I squeaked probably sounding a little more fragile then I intended to let on.
If this relationship wasn’t completely forbidden right now then it wouldn’t be so easy for me to make a call with Niall there watching me, as we have previously endured, phone calls are not easy when he’s there, king of distractions.
“I’m not going to sugar-coat this so you know your final exams you did back in the summer last year?”
The summer. Of course I remember that summer and the months after it.
“Mmm hmm. What about them?”
“Well it turns out you’re going to have to re-take them, there was an error in the mark scheme not meeting the national curriculum and everyone has to re-take their exams. We got a letter through today.”
“What?”
“They’re next week. Your flights booked for tomorrow. I’ve already spoken to your management so you’re all sorted. You’re going to be in England for at least the next month love.”
It was as if my ears were playing tricks on me. Tomorrow. A matter of hours, in fact, it was already tomorrow here. One more month until I could see Niall again and where would he even be then? Would he even be anywhere near America or England for me to see? Probably not. On paper it doesn’t sound like a lot, 30 days, 30 days until I could see him again but after a year apart and then having him there all the time again, its messing me up. And right now, I really need him, really really need him, more than ever. I cannot take myself back there, back into the delusional concept that was my family. Slipping back into that family, that household with those people, I can’t do that. And most of all I can’t take my life and situation there, Ellie’s gonna know, My Dad’s gonna know, so’s my Mum but it’s not like she’s gonna care. There’s gonna be action taken. It was okay here, nobody was close enough with me to care and take action apart from Niall and he was busy anyway, they hadn’t seen me in the flesh for a long period of time to notice sheer difference for a while and that was okay for me that aided my stalling well, really well. And now I had to go back there, back into all those reminders and everything, everything’s messed up, so messed up. Why now? Just a few more months, couldn’t it wait until after Christmas or something? That was probably too long actually. But seriously, now? Of all times.
I closed my eyes for a few seconds and sucked in a few deep breaths. I could feel Niall staring at me a questioning look playing on his expression but I avoided his eyes and then decided that right now my visible reaction wasn’t one I could trust so I picked myself up running a heavy hand through my tangled waves and sitting out on the balcony.
“Ashley? Did you hear me?”
“Yeah…uh…tomorrow?”
I squeaked and there was a silent and someone saying something in the background.
“Tomorrow. The flight details have already been e-mailed to you. Ellie’s meeting you there, okay? Now I must dash see you tomorrow love!”
Click. Call ended.
For a moment I just sat there sucking in some air as I stared at the now ever fading screen of my phone and the words my father had just blown out to me threw the speakers. If I was leaving tomorrow, I would need to pack. What was I supposed to say? Harry and Louis were going to have massive hangovers and they may not even be back by the time I’m gone. Should I just go? Niall would have to pretend it didn’t affect him and I guess I would have to pretend that it didn’t bother me either that I was going to be apart from Niall for a while longer now. I closed my eyes for a few seconds again trying to play this all in my head. I wasn’t ready for this, to slip back into that old routine but maybe it wasn’t what you were ready for, it was just the order things came in and you had to be ready. I had to face my family sometime.
“Wh-What’s up?”
Niall asked as soon as I shut the balcony doors behind me and yanked the curtains back across. I didn’t say anything instantly as I squatted down onto the floor and brought my suitcase from underneath my bed.
“Hey…”
Niall persisted leaning down over the side of the bed and pulling me up with him onto his lap.
“I’ll ask again. What’s up?”
He breathed forcing me to look at him and resting his forehead on mine.
“I’m-I’m going back to England….Tomorrow.”
I told him my voice cracking. He just looked at me furrowing his brow in confusion and then he bit his lip looking down at his lap before back at me.
“You’re what?”
“Going back to England.” I repeated. “Tomorrow. I have to re-take all my exams.”
When he just looked at me I sighed inwardly shuffling off of him.
“So I need to pack and oh my god what if I don’t pass and I don’t know shit all about any of the materiel and-“
“Ash, calm down and speak to me. You’ve got ages.”
He said pulling me back to him and I heaved a sigh trying to relax myself a bit.
“Now, why have you got to re-take your exams?”
He asked as if this was a serious police interview or something. His tone was so cool and genuine while inside my mind was having a heart attack with panic and dis-organisation alerts.
“I have to re-take my exams,” I attempted the cool and calm tone but it wasn’t really suiting my stressed demeanour. “Because they freaking fucked up the marking scheme the idiotic-“
“Shhh just calm down. Now when are your exams?”
He continued with the patient and calm tone. How does he do that?
“Next week.”
I replied clenching my teeth as I did so.
“Right, so when are you flying back out?”
This was the question that would really make all hell break loose in times to see each other, the answer pure inconvenience for the both of us and our forbidden relationship.
“I’m not.” I choked and his eyes widened his brow scrunching in confusion. “Not back here, anyway. I’m staying there for a month and by then my family will have had a fucking enough of me and I’ll be shipped back over he-“
“Whoa slow down. A month?”
“A month. And by the time that month is up then work will be back open and I’ll be back in New York and I’ll be working all the time again. I’m spending the next month in England and you’re gonna be here.”
For a moment we were both actually completely silent. He bit his lip looking away from me as he chewed on it furiously and I could almost see the thoughts whizzing around his head and a possible How about This he could feed to me to make everything a little easier but we both knew deep down this was going to be a hectic month and we weren’t even going to be together.
“What do you mean by your family would have had enough of you?”
He questioned deciding to do what I do and stall the real issue here.
I shrugged biting my lip as I avoided his gaze.
“They just would. Niall my Mum hates me, me living in New York and them still being in London, it’s the best solution she’s ever come across, I know it is and I can’t say it’s much different for me you know. I don’t even know how I’m going to live in the same house as her for the next month because-“
“Wait are we talking about your Mum here?”
“Yes! She hates me; I can’t believe you can’t see that by now.”
“I’m…I’m sure she doesn’t hate you Ash, maybe you’re just going through a rough patch...”
“For the past ten years?”
He just looked at me then pity and confusion crossing his face as it mashed into one. I didn’t want nor need to be pitied, I hated pity, fully believing that any shit I got, I deserved in one light or another. There must be a reason that my own Mother hates me, I just need to find out what it is.
“Ashley I am sure she doesn’t completely hate you. Nobody could hate you. She’s your Mum.”
“Yeah well she’s not very good at being it.”
I mumbled and he raised his eye-brows. I knew he didn’t particularly like my Mother and I didn’t blame him. I mean, why would he like her? Since it was her fault that Niall and I ended up in that awful gap year of missing each other like hell. I don’t like her either, so he, can join the club if he likes, he’s fully welcome.
“Ash…”
“It’s true! I…I hate her.”
“You don’t mean that.”
“Yes,” I retorted instantly. “I do.”
By now he was sensing how worked up I was getting and finally let me go as I shuffled from his grip and began flinging every item that I owned into my suitcases if they weren’t already in there.
“In fact…” I hissed violently slamming a few textbooks into the suitcase as they landed with a thump. “She can go and get out of my life forever if she wants to. I wouldn’t be complaining…”
“Ashley,” Niall stated a bit more sternly this time as I slammed some more books even harder into the bag as if taking my anger out them would make things better. “Don’t say things like that…You’re worked up, you don’t mean it. She’s your Mother Ash, I’m sure her intentions are the best…”
I stopped my hasty packing taking a deep breath before turning to face him square and pulling my features into something a little softer than the scowl I couldn’t seem to wipe away after finding out about my return to England.
“I don’t know how you can say that when it was her who aided what happened last year….Look I know you’re just being nice and stuff by telling me I don’t mean it and stuff but Niall the reality is that I do, I do mean it. And I’m sorry and you can tell me if I’m over-reacting but just think for a minute, she’s my Mum Niall, my own Mother and she called me an…‘anorexic bitch’. Is that what Mum’s are supposed to do?”
He was taken aback by this. So was I, at the time but then as the minutes after passed and I concluded she wasn’t worth crying over I found that this wasn’t surprising at all. What did surprise me, was that she hadn’t said something worse and my father, he just sat there, as if he hadn’t heard her refer me to not only an eating disorder so bluntly but also pair it with calling me a bitch, this wasn’t exactly the worst of the worst insults but coming from your own Mother? It was far from a joke. He just sat there scrolling through something on his phone and then, as a few passers by began to give us looks he abruptly stood up simply glaring at my Mother before announcing that we should probably go back to the car now. That was the thing with my father, living in a household of three females he knew all the do’s and don’ts of the female community, he had lived and learnt with great trial and error about conversations that were soon traced back to incompletion of set tasks as menstrual cramps, business call, must make business call. If the subject of the in or out sizing of the female underwear was brought up, he could automatically need some new underwear too and was swiftly off to the men’s section. Or more important a complete family crisis meltdown in public, to the car, straight back to the car and never look back. It was often that I got my organisation from him, everything needs to be taken care of and there’s a solution for everything, avoiding and stalling when possible but right now, that was all slipping away from me and I didn’t like it.
“Sh…She called you that?”
“Yeah. I was surprised at first, after a few minutes I wasn’t surprised at all. She’s a bitch Niall.”
I choked now resuming back to packing as I threw a few random tops into my suitcase.
“I…Look Ashley she’s your Mum so I can’t really say anything rash but…Who does she think she is? Are you sure she really meant it?”
He asked and I stopped again sighing inwardly as I leant against the dresser.
“Yes. She never apologised, not that I wanted one from her anyway.”
“Shit…I’m sorry Ash.”
I just shrugged.
“It’s okay, you get used to these things. Maybe she was right…in a way-“
“No. No, no! Don’t think that. Of course she wasn’t right, that is in no way right for a Mother to call her own daughter something like that. Don’t ever start to believe anything like that she says.”
I shrugged.
“I don’t know Niall. It was a few months ago anyway and maybe back then I kinda deserved it, I don’t know. But you know what? I’ll live, I guess, I mean she’s hardly ever home anyway and when she is, I guess I’ll just be studying or out or something. It’ll be fine, hopefully.”
He just looked at me for a moment a small, very small, smile curling at his lips from the frown they previously possessed from the information on the names my Mum liked to call me.
“I admire you and all, for how strong you are about all the shit she gives you and just everything but Ashley…do you really want to put up with it? Because you don’t have to, stand up for yourself, you’re not alone.”
He proposed the offer that many had suggested but I again, was maybe following in Luke’s footsteps and sticking it out until things could actually happen that would make a difference, Luke’s was removing himself from the situation and I admired him, and how far he had got from that. Completely turning his back on his father and daring to move halfway across the world without his permission, that was something drastic and I really did admire how long he stuck it out for. I, was never so good at sticking up for myself, only recently had it become something easier, something that came more naturally, I guess it all had after breaking up with Niall, I had to force myself to become harder on the outside, filling myself with quick retorts and bitchy attitude, it was necessary in New York, never did I think I would need it in my own home in London but I suppose that was coming for me some when, sometime, I would have to face my Mother for a longer and more involved period of time than a phone call and that time was now, tomorrow, in fact, for the next month.
“It’s not that simple. She’s complicated, Niall.”
“If you don’t mind me saying Ash, but so are you. You’re complicated sometimes, everyone is really, but if you do find the right words or the right way to say them, it’s easier. Maybe that’s what you need to do with your Mum.”
I, knew this, I have and probably always will be complicated. Not only was I myself, complicated I made everything to do with me complicated. Apart from one thing, that one thing I couldn’t control and that was falling in love with Niall, that wasn’t complicated, that was simple, so simple it almost blinded me to the reality of my life itself, in fact it did, I never thought the perfect relationship would have to come to an end but apparently last year, it did. Things are different, Niall and I, we’re not the same person, I’m complicated and over-think constantly and he’s care free, living life for the moment. He thinks I’m complicated, well he’s right, but it’s not just about finding the right words, it’s about being the right person and that’s him. He’s the right person to figure me out and bring me down from my whirlwind of organisation, stress and complication city. He just doesn’t quite realise that, he sees me differently to anyone else, when I look like shit he calls me beautiful, when I’m being ridiculously weak and crying my eyes out he just sees me as having too much to deal with and being strong for too long. He sees me in a different light, you can’t fail to notice, a better one, my Mother, does not, she likes to point out my flaws and tell me I’m not good enough when Niall endures in telling me I’m a thousand times more over than good enough and that even if I do have flaws that’s what me perfect, that everybody is a little bit imperfect, including me.
“It’s different though Niall isn’t it? You would say that. Yeah, I am complicated but I can take words as they come and decipher the point but she doesn’t, she dramatizes things okay, she and this situation is more complicated then you know.”
“I don’t know Ash. I’m not gonna preach to you about it because I don’t know your Mum as well as you but I’m just saying consider, that’s all. You don’t have to put up with her if you don’t want to….but you know what?”
“What?”
I questioned back instantly, I was feeling slightly better now, after telling Niall about what my Mother had said to me, I never had told anyone and I wasn’t planning on telling Niall I suppose maybe it just was my last resort to making him understand better, that she’s not all sweet and happy days to me like a dedicated Mother, because she’s not.
“After the month is up and you’re back here, right? And I know it sounds bad at first but we go back to England then. But I mean, we’re in England for at least the next six months after despite a few one offs but other than that we’re fine and if you’re still not getting on with your Mum then…when you come back to London, move in with us…I mean you don’t have to it’s just-“
“Really? Because I’d just feel like…I don’t know, a bother, I told you, I can live with it.”
“Nah, you’re no way a bother. I’d love it if you did and I bet the boys wouldn’t mind either, I mean, it’s not like you haven’t before…But you don’t have to.”
“Niall?”
I smiled this time and he looked up at me and his sheer innocence struck me and I soon felt guilt sinking in again that I ever hurt him like that, so freaking innocent.
“Yep?”
“Thank you.”
I smiled crashing down onto the bed next to him and pressing a kiss to his cheek but he soon tilted my chin moving my lips to his instead and I smiled as his moved against mine warm and soft for a few seconds.
“So you will?”
“If I have to. But I’d love to.”
“I’d love you to too.”
He grinned before pressing his lips back to mine for a few more seconds.
“But now,” I frowned a bit. “I really have to pack.”
He pouted looking at the suitcase on the floor and then back to me as he sighed.
“Okay, well let’s get going and then we can sort something out…So are we doing full on classic Ashley organised lists packing or…”
“No. Just chuck it all in.”
I smiled waving my hand dismissively to the suggestion of organised packing. He smiled at this that some of his habits had rubbed off on me as I motioned for him to pass me piles of clothes and we hastily got to work with packing.
This next month was going to be a very long one.
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A/N.
I died.
okay.
I died doing that shakespeare thing. I'm not even joking nobody understand how much I loathe acting, loathe it. I literally have like a phobia. I was about to go in and all the chairs were in a circle and the lights were dimmed with a spotlight in the middle and I couldn't go in, I couldn't do it and I had like a meltdown and my heart was racing and omfg. So I stood outside for like five minutes while I tried to calm down and then I almost threw up before I went up to do it and halfway through I made the fatal mistake of looking at the audience and I went blank and forgot my lines so I jsut stopped and told the teacher that was all I'd done and then it was fianlly fucking over.
it was horrible though, horrible.
but, on the bright side.
Picture this has fucking 1,000,000 reads:o when I first posted the first chapter I was coutning myself lucky with finishing it with 1000 reads and now I have 1,000,000 this amazing and I owe it all to you amazing bitches. I jsut really love you so much like you don't even know. And now I have over 1,100 fans and I don't take any of you for-granted, I seriosuly love each and every one of you with all my heart:') just know that;3
see you tomorrow, idk what time I'll be uploading but sometime tomorrow evening:)
see ya.
-Emily.