A few days ago my boyfriend Shawn Mendes left for Europe so he could do a documentary and partake in some music festivals. I really miss him and I hate it when he leaves me. When I was sixteen years old, my dad said that he didn't love my mom anymore and so they separated and he left. Sometimes I get scared that Shawn will stop loving me and leave me even though we have a house together and he's constantly telling me that he loves me, even when he's away. Shawn doesn't know that I feel scared like this and I don't want to tell him because I don't want to hurt his feelings.
Today I was feeling extra anxious and nervous about Shawn leaving me for some reason, and I hated it. I have anxiety so this isn't good. I started to pace around the house and talk outloud to myself to get my thoughts out.
"He's going to leave me. He's going to stop loving me," I said as I started to cry. I sat down on the couch and brought my knees to my chest. "He's going to find another girl while he's away and she's going to be beautiful and everything that I am not. He's going to stop loving me and leave me for her." I said. I was sobbing by now and didn't even hear a car pull into the driveway. I had stopped talking out loud but was still sobbing when the front door swung open and Shawn walked in. I got up and ran into his arms. He held me tight after dropping his luggage.
"What's wrong baby girl?" Shawn asked. I didn't answer. "Y/n? What's going on?" He asked. My breathing was rapid and it felt like my lungs were collapsing on me. My heart was racing so fast.
"I'm having - having a pan - panic attack." I choked out. Shawn looked so concerned and panicked and I felt bad for making him feel that way.
"Okay, let's go sit down, okay?" He asked. I nodded my head. He walked me over to the couch before bolting over to the refrigerator to get me a water. He brought me the water and sat on the couch with me. "Take a few slow sips, okay? Can you do that?" Shawn asked. I nodded.
"Yes." I said before taking three small sips.
"Good. Now take a deep breath in, like this," Shawn said, demonstrating what to do. I did it. "Good, now let it out. Okay, good. Now do that three more times." I did and Shawn nodded his head and told me that that was good. Doing all of this calmed me down and my crying stopped.
"I'm so sorry that you came home to surprise me and found me like this Shawn. I'm so sorry." I said, looking down. Shawn put his index finger underneath my chin and lightly lifted my head up so I was looking into his comforting caramel eyes.
"It's okay baby girl. I'm glad that you're calmer now. Do you know what brought this on?" Shawn asked. I paused for a moment before nodding my head slowly.
"Yes." I said.
"What brought this on?" He asked. I didn't want to tell him. I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I shook my head no.
"It was nothing. Don't worry about it." I said. Now it was Shawn's turn to shake his head no.
"No, I'm going to worry about it. I'm your boyfriend, this is what I'm here for, to love you, protect you, and be your best friend. That's why you're here for me, right?" Shawn asked. I nodded my head yes.
"Of course." I said.
"Then tell me what brought this on." Shawn said.
"You're going to leave me." I said. Shawn looked confused.
"What are you talking about baby?" He asked.
"You're going to find someone better than me and they're going to be everything I'm not so you're going to stop loving me and leave me." I said. Shawn looked pained.
"Oh honey, that's never going to happen. Never. No one gets better than you. I could never stop loving you and I could never leave you. I love you too much to leave you." Shawn said.
"Are you sure? It happened to my parents, well, my dad didn't find anyone, but the other stuff happened." I asked and said.
"I'm positive. Just because it happened to your parents doesn't mean that it's going to happen to us. We have good communication skills and we're very happy. At least I am. Are you not happy with this relationship?" Shawn asked.
"No, I am! I'm really happy, I just get anxious about this sometimes." I said. Shawn gently put his hand to my cheek and rubbed it with his thumb.
"Baby, how long have you been worried about this for?" Shawn asked. I shrugged and looked down.
"A while." I said.
"How long is a while?" Shawn asked.
"It's something that I've worried about since my parents separated. That the one that I love will stop loving me and leave me." I said. Shawn's jaw dropped.
"Why haven't you ever told me that you feel this way?" Shawn asked.
"I didn't want to hurt your feelings." I said.
"Baby it hurts me that you've been hurting and felt like you couldn't tell me." Shawn said. I started to cry. He wiped my tears away.
"I'm so sorry Shawn. I should've told you a long time ago. I'm so sorry." I said. Shawn wrapped his arms around me and held me close to him. He rocked me back and forth.
"It's okay. It's okay. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere, okay?" Shawn asked as he kissed my cheek. My tears slowed with each of his words and eventually stopped. I nodded my head.
"Okay. I love you Shawn." I said.
"I love you too Y/n. Are you feeling better?" Shawn asked.
"Yes." I said.
"Good." Shawn said.
"Can I have a kiss?" I asked Shawn. He chuckled.
"Baby girl, you never have to ask, now get those lips over here." Shawn said with a smile. I leaned forward and put my lips on his. I felt sparks shootout throughout my body like fireworks. I felt butterflies erupt in my stomach, and I felt my heart race as if I had just run a marathon. I'm so madly, hopelessly, deeply, in love with Shawn. We pulled away and smiled at each other. "Baby I'm so in love with you that it's insane. I'll never leave you, I promise." Shawn said. I nodded my head.
"I'm so in love with you too. I just want to cuddle you to death." I said with a giggle. Shawn threw his head back with laughter.
"Oh honey I would love that, but I want us to talk to your parents about how you're feeling." Shawn said.
"Okay. And then we'll come home and cuddle?" I asked. Shawn smiled at me.
"And then we'll come home and cuddle." Shawn said. I smiled at him. Shawn and I called my parents so we could meet at my mom's house and then we got our shoes on and left.
Shawn's perspective
I drove to my girlfriend's mom's house to find that her dad was already there. Y/n and I walked inside. Y/m/n was sitting on the couch, and Y/d/n was sitting in the rocking chair. Y/n and I sat on the love-seat.
"Hey guys. Is everything okay?" Y/m/n asked us. Y/n's parents looked concerned. Y/n looked at me.
"Actually, no. I came home to surprise my baby girl to find her having a panic attack and sobbing." I said.
"What happened?" Y/d/n asked us. My girlfriend must not have wanted to say it because she squeezed my hand and started to cry. I put my arm around her.
"She told me that ever since you guys separated, she's been worried that the one that she loves is going to stop loving her and leave her. She didn't tell me this because she didn't want to hurt my feelings." I said. I looked at my girlfriend. "Now that I think of it, did you tell anyone?" I asked.
"I told my therapist." She said. She was still crying, but not as much now. I nodded.
"Good. At least you told someone." I said, but I still wished that she had told me about this.
"I'm so sorry that I made you feel this way." Y/n's dad said. She looked at him and nodded. "I didn't mean for you to have that fear." He said. Y/n had stopped crying by now.
"I know dad. It's just something that I have to deal with." She said. He nodded. I kissed her cheek.
"I just felt like you guys should know because if she gets upset about this again, and I'm not here, I have more people to reassure her that I'm not going to leave her." I said. My girlfriend looked at me.
"The reassuring isn't going to go very well unless it comes from you. It might do something, but not much." Y/n said. I felt sad and nodded. I kissed her cheek again and afterwards she leaned her head on my shoulder.
"Okay. Please call me when you feel like this, okay? Will you promise me that?" I pleaded. Y/n nodded against my shoulder.
"Okay. Can we go home and cuddle now?" She asked with a smile. Everyone laughed. I nodded my head.
"Of course baby girl. Why don't you head to the car and I'll be out in a minute, okay?" I asked.
"Okay." She said, and headed off to the car. I turned to Y/n's parents.
"Please help her out with this while I'm gone. I know that I'm going to be away for a bit because of the festivals and then tour, so I'm going to need help. I'll get Grace and Y/n's brother in on it too. I don't want her to ever feel like this again. It broke my heart." I said. Her parents nodded.
"Okay. We can help out. I'll check in on her about it every once in a while but not too often." Her mom said.
"And I'll try to help too." Her dad said. I nodded.
"Thank you." I said, and before I could say anything else we heard a honk coming from my jeep. We all laughed. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm depriving my girlfriend of cuddles. I'll see you guys later." I said and headed out to the car. I hopped in and started the car.
"Took you long enough. What were you talking about anyways?" My lovely girlfriend asked me. I laughed at her comment, then became serious.
"I just need help to make sure that you're reassured every once in a while and have people to talk to. I know that you probably don't like that but I need the help while I'm away." I said.
"Okay. I love you." She said. I smiled as we drove away.
"I love you too." I said. We got home and cuddled. I had my arms wrapped around her and her head was on my chest as we watched a movie.
"Shawn?" She asked. I looked down at her as she looked up at me.
"Yes baby girl?" I asked.
"How long until you leave?" She asked.
"A week. We both have a week off - well you have more than a week - thanks to school being out for the summer. But let's not think about me leaving." I said. She nodded and kissed my jaw. I smiled.
"Okay." She said. I'm so lucky to have her as my girlfriend, and I'll make the promise to anyone and everyone that I'll never leave her. Never.