Losing a friend can be as hard as breaking up with a lover, but it's necessary from time to time when things just aren't working out. If your friendship is more toxic than beneficial, it might be time to pull the plug. Moving on may help you both lead fuller lives, especially if you and the other person have nothing in common anymore. Follow these steps to end your relationship gracefully.
Assessing the Friendship
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Think about why you fought. Maybe you had a recent fight that put your friendship on the rocks. Think deeply about whether your friendship is worth saving. Do you think your anger will subside, or is this really the end?[1] Ask yourself these questions to better understand your situation:
Was your disagreement a one-time occurrence or has been ongoing? If your disagreement has continued for some time, think realistically about whether it will eventually fizzle out.
Does the issue itself matter more to you than the friendship? Depending on the disagreement, your principles may or may not be more important to you than your friend.
Could you ever "agree to disagree" on this issue? If you can agree to reach a compromise, your friendship will likely survive. If not, you may need to end things.
2
Decide whether you're growing apart. Sometimes friendships don't end with a fight, but with a fizzle. Has it been awhile since you felt like calling up your friend for a chat? Do you find yourself making excuses not to hang out? If so, ask yourself whether you or your friend could do anything to save the relationship, or whether you even want to.
How long have you known each other? It's important to weigh how much time you have already invested in the friendship against how much time you are willing to invest in the future. If you are very old friends, the friendship might be worth saving, even if it's not as fun as it used to be. Having someone in your life who has known you forever is valuable.
Do you still have fun together? Maybe you don't need to completely end the friendship, but just take as step or two back. Instead of pressuring yourselves to hang out once a week, try calling each other up less frequently. That way the time you do spend together will be more precious, and you won't get tired of each other's presence.
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Think about how your life will feel without your friend. Does it make you sad to imagine life without the person, or does it make you feel relieved? If you already know that you'll be happy to get rid of the drama, boredom, or other negative feelings that you associate with this person, ending it is a good idea. If you feel a twinge of sadness and aren't truly sure this is what you want to do, consider other options.
Think about what it would take to keep the friendship alive. Friendships can take as much time and effort as any other kind of relationship. If you choose to keep yours alive, you'll need to be willing to invest a lot of energy to do so.
How many mutual friends do you have? Consider your mutual friends' feelings toward your friendship and whether or not they will support its ending.
What activities you enjoy doing together? Ask yourself if you will still be easily able to pursue your favorite activities and interests once you decide to end your friendship.
Making the Break
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Consider letting the friendship naturally fade. This happens all the time. Friends go to different schools, move to different towns, or gravitate to different activities, and they naturally start hanging out with other people. This is the most painless way to end a friendship, and it works best when both people are equally ready to move on. To let a friendship fade, do the following:
Don't go out of your way to get into deep conversations. Don't confide in your friend with your personal problems or desires anymore, especially if doing so usually leads to an argument. Keep your conversations in safe, shallow territory.
Stop being in touch so often. Don't call as much, and don't pick up the phone every time the person calls. You can do this gradually or stop cold turkey. Do know that cutting off all contact without a gradual fade may shock and deeply hurt your friend.
Politely decline invitations. As the distance between you grows, stop spending time with the person. Eventually he or she will stop calling.
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Consider confronting the person openly. This is a difficult choice to make, but it's also the most honest way to end a friendship. Rather than leaving the person guessing why you aren't talking to him or her anymore, consider being straightforward about what happened.To confront someone openly, do the following:
Choose a suitable time to have your conversation. If your friend is going through a difficult time at home or in school, try to wait until they are in somewhat better shape before suddenly cutting all ties.
Choose a suitable place to have your conversation. Never end your friendship in front of people whom you both know. This can be embarrassing for both parties, besides creating rumors and other problems down the line.
Express your thoughts politely. You may be tempted to give your former friend a piece of your mind, but refrain from yelling or name-calling as that will only make an already awkward situation worse.
Express your thoughts firmly. You may also be tempted to apologize for ending the friendship. But unless you've done something wrong, there is no reason to be sorry for choosing to cut ties with someone.
Give the other person a chance to talk, but make sure they understand your position too. It's important to let your friend tell you what he or she thinks about the situation. But make sure they understand your position as well so that you are both on the same page.
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Cut off toxic friendships cold turkey. In some rare cases, you might need to simply stop all contact with a person. If your friend is manipulative or hurtful and has done something you will never be able to get over, or if you're afraid he or she will have a violent reaction to your friendship's end, just put a stop to it. Stop taking calls and texts, unfriend the person on Facebook, and don't show up in places where you know that person will be.
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Establish clear boundaries. No matter how you end a friendship, the person is likely to try to get in touch once or twice. Let the person know if they are still welcome to talk to you or not. If you are not crystal clear about your expectations, your former friend will likely get confused.
If you are willing to keep in touch with this person, make it clear what kind of communication is acceptable. For example, if you would say hello to them on the street but never want to hang out again, you should be straightforward in saying this.
If you never want to speak to your former friend again, warn them of the consequences should they attempt to contact you. Tell them if you are willing to place a restraining order on them, for example. Follow through with your threat if they don't honor your wishes.
Dealing With the Aftermath
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Prepare yourself for sadness once you end the friendship. Even if the friendship ended up being negative, it probably started because you used to have fun together. Losing that connection is going to feel sad on both sides.
If your former friend will likely burst into tears when you end things, decide on a method to keep your resolve. You may want to write an email or letter instead of ending it in person.
You may also find yourself feeling sad or guilty after ending a friendship. Realize that no matter how broken your relationship may have been, it is normal to feel this way for a while after it ends.
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Understand that anger will play a role. This is another emotion commonly associated with breakups. Hurt feelings can translate into anger, so you should be prepared to face your friend's wrath even if you are ending the friendship because you are the one who is angry.
If your former friend tends to become aggressive when confronted, you should expect verbal or even physical backlash.
You may also find yourself getting angry at the other person even after the relationship has ended. This is a normal reaction, though it can become self-destructive if you let your anger live for too long.
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Expect passive-aggressiveness to ensue. It's probably impossible to have a completely clean break when it comes to ending a friendship, especially if you still have to see the person at school or work. Get mentally ready to deal with some mind games in the months after you cut things off.
If your former friend is passive-aggressive, expect back-stabbing behavior after you break off the friendship.
You may also feel the urge to make life miserable for your former friend. While this is a normal feeling, refrain from doing this because such behavior may drive away other friends.
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Realize that ending one friendship may jeopardize several more. Prepare yourself for the possibility that mutual friends may take sides with your former friend. It's hard for people to be friends with two people who are no longer friends for each other, so people will naturally gravitate toward either you or your friend.
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Move on from your last friendship by meeting new people. Meeting new people will signal to your former friend that you have a life outside of him or her. It will also help you feel better about the friendship's end, since you'll have great new people in your life.
New people may also help to replace your former friend, which will keep you from feeling too sad, angry or vengeful about your last friendship.
Be sure not to make the same mistake all over again by getting attached to new people whose personalities closely resemble your old friend's.
Tips
You have the right to preserve and protect your own joy. If your friend robs you of joy, it is an unhealthy relationship.
Don't allow friends or family guilt you into staying in a harmful friendship. Consider your own well-being.
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6th update for the day