3 6
summer nightmare
Guilt. So much guilt.
I haven't seen Justine since the fight. That's when I truly realise the difference between relationship break-ups and friendship break-ups — the latter feels so much worse. I can't even describe it. It's like one minute they're there, and the next... they're nowhere near you.
School is very weird. Awkward. Tense.
Weird because it doesn't feel the same walking in the hallways alone, and not with your six-person group. Awkward because for some reason, everyone's staring at me.
Tense because apparently it got out that I fucked up.
My reputation could not be worse. Ten times the damage control.
"So, is anyone going to explain to me why everyone is treating us like social pariahs?" Sean starts.
Since the gang is broken apart (I hate that word) — with Liv and Vic on their own, Justine mostly wth her girlfriends, and Jude almost nowhere to be found — Trey and I usually stick to each other. There's nobody else, anyway.
Except his additional friends.
"Yeah," Landon added, leaning in from the bench in front of us. Then he curses. "Jude wasn't mad that I spilled alcohol on you, right? I mean, you're not mad..."
What the heck is he talking about? The memory suddenly resurges. "That was you?" I gape. Blacklist Party... someone spilling their drink on me at the front door... Jude giving me his peppermint-scented shirt —
Jude.
Landon cringes. "Yeah, sorry about that. I wasn't in my... right mind... so you may not have recognised me."
"Wait." Trey holds up a finger. "I'm aware this was rather a long time ago, but you didn't bother telling me you were going to the party?"
"I was with different people," he says vaguely, "and ended up with more different people."
"Wasn't that when Jess — ow!"
Sean punches Keith in the shoulder, resulting in a massive glare coming his way. All the guys, though, oddly don't ask any questions, which tells me that it's a story they all know. And a story they don't want to share with me.
Oookay.
"About answering your eager inquiries." I clear my throat. "Trey and I, we kind of fucked up."
With Trey's permission, we told them the whole story from top to bottom. How he and I met; the proposition he offered; the deal we eventually made. And the events that came along with it, leading right to the great catastrophe.
Once we finished talking, all they could do is stare at us with open mouths.
"That's... that's fucked up."
"We know, Sean." I'm trying so hard not to be defensive.
Keith raises a hand. "One thing I don't understand, though. How did you guys think it was really going to play out in the end?" When Trey and I both frown, he clarifies, "I mean, the end of the bargain for you was everyone finding out that you were the matchmaker for the Golden Couple. Or, well, ex-Golden Couple." He cringes as we glare at him.
His question does make sense, though, and it's one I have to contemplate. I guess I didn't expect having a closer and more personal role — and I guess Trey didn't, either. We all thought it'd be a sort of Remi-Linguini dynamic; I'd be in the background playing his strings, and Justine would've never known. And if she did, she wouldn't care that much — and I wouldn't care so much — because we wouldn't be friends in the first place. Hell, not even acquaintances.
But things in the plan changed. I became involved. And I kept involving everyone else into our little game.
Which is so, so — and let me say it again — so fucked up.
"We were naïve and selfish," I end up saying. Trey surprisingly doesn't disagree. "I guess we were caught up in our own motives."
The conversation is a little bit too somber to continue after that, so we all go back inside and respectively wait for our next classes. One of them, though, decides to catch up after me.
"Hey!" Landon calls, and I turn around, eyebrows raised. "I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense, but if there's one thing I can add... the silent treatment isn't good for anyone. Sometimes, it makes things worse." He pauses and licks his lips. "So I think you should talk to her. Or Trey to her. Or you to Jude — you know what I mean."
I stare at him. "Right." That's really true. I'm just surprised because I'm not sure where he got that from. "Thanks, Landon."
"Any time, Addie."
***
When I spot Trey again by the end of the day, I gesture to him frantically. He frowns, just giving me the you're-literally-crazy look as he stands in front of the school doors. That's when I realise I probably look like a crazy lady swatting off invisible flies.
So I text him instead.
He looks down to see the text, and goes back to me rolling his eyes.
"You're being suspiciously enthusiastic this evening," Trey remarks, stopping beside me while raising a brow.
"I have one more number." More staring. "For the List."
"You've got to be kidding me," he lets out, already starting to walk back, to which I grab his sleeve and drag him back. He stumbles and huffs. "You're telling me you want to keep entertaining the one thing that completely ruined everything?"
My mouth opens for a retort, but I falter a bit. "It didn't completely ruin everything. Look where it got you."
"Exactly." His eyes are burning holes through mine.
"Okayokay, fine! But I've been thinking about it — and it's the last one. And it's crucial. Please." I search his eyes. "Do you trust me?"
A pause. A click of the tongue. Then a sigh as he nods.
My lips twitch. I take out the note from my back pocket, and Trey almost cringes at the sight of it. Understandable; I had the same reaction when the first few days following our breakdown. In fact, seeing the List now still gives me mixed feelings. It's the reason why we got into this mess in the first place.
Which is why we have to end the way we started.
He finally takes it from my hands.
I even used a pen this time to highlight the heck out of it.
Trey laughs sadly. "That's a little too late, isn't it?"
"Nothing's ever too late," I say softly, flicking my gaze over him. "At least, it's good to believe so."
He purses his lips, taking his time reading the List even though it's only numbers and one-line sentences. Maybe he's replaying each one with its own memory, when the days were good and innocent and in bubble wrap.
"No offence." He clears his throat, and I inwardly groan, knowing that what he's going to say is definitely going to be offensive. "But why am I doing all the dirty work? It's not like you didn't do any foul play yourself, Addie."
Ouch. "Who said I wasn't going to do anything?"
He waits for me to say more, but I tell him with my face rather than words. "Jude," he realises. "You'll talk to Jude."
"Yeap." Like that's not scary at all.
Trey chuckles. "So we're both dealing with our respective partners, then?"
I shrug. Then laugh, because in a way, it's kind of funny how we got here. Or maybe we're just laughing because we're both nervous as hell. Yeah. Makes more sense.
"Good luck," he nods.
"You, too."
"Luck is for the unconfident." I glare at him, just about to scold him for still being arrogant at an inappropriate time, but he adds, "and I'm feeling very unconfident right now."
I chuckle.
Here we go.
***
Every time I want to approach him, I find myself pulling back at the last minute. The classroom. By the locker. Near the bleachers. It's like my head goes overdrive and I can't think properly. My body does what my mind doesn't comprehend yet — that I'm freakin' scared.
Because what if he doesn't want to hear what I have to say?
The last time, I find him outside after class, hanging around by the trees. This feels nostalgic; looking after him from afar, nervous to even walk up to him. Like the first time we met and I hid behind a tree with Liv.
But he's really with his friends now, and they're all smoking except for him. Huh. So the pack of cigarettes I saw from his pocket that first time didn't actually belong to him. The thought kind of relaxes me.
Kind of.
I take a deep breath. Then do the whole breathing exercise like Sharpay did in High School Musical like that will save me.
Jude doesn't notice me yet. It's one of his other friends, Finn, who does. The one who got provoked over Trey's comments when we all clashed in the track field some time ago.
"Beat it," Finn hisses at me.
I instantly freeze. He's actually terrifying.
At that, Jude turns around and his eyes harden at the sight of me. But they don't linger — he immediately circles back to Finn and snaps, "Hey, take it fucking easy."
Finn stares at him. "Haven't you heard what your little groupie did? To you and your sister — "
"Shut the fuck up and leave."
Jude meets his glare with his own, and for a while, it's just the two of them in this showdown. Jude's other friends seem to understand the severity of the situation and are already walking away. But Finn stays put for longer.
"Whatever, man," he sneers, stalking off.
Did I just witness another friendship break-up? Why does this always happen when I'm around? Oh God, what's wrong with me?!
"Hey." Jude clicks his fingers in front of my face. "Earth to Addie."
I blink. "Sorry."
He sighs, putting his hands in his pockets and keeping a safe distance from me. God, this hurts.
"I — "
"Are you okay?" he suddenly blurts out, flickering his eyes over me. Concerned. "I'm sorry. Finn's a fucking asshole. I don't know why I'm still friends with him."
My heart warms all over. Damn it, Jude. "Yeah," I say softly, "I'm fine. But I'm the one who should say sorry."
"Addie, let's not start this — "
"No, we have to." I lick my lips. "I made a mistake, and I fucked up, Jude. I didn't think we'd all be this close, okay? And yeah — " I add quickly when his mouth opened, " — it wasn't good of me to exploit Justine like that at first, and neither was it of Trey, and I don't have any excuse for that. Because what we did was wrong. But after that... Jude, everything was real, the intentions of the List was genuine, he fell for her for real, and things started changing, you have to believe me — "
"I do believe you." I halt, and Jude looks at me in the eye this time. "And to be honest, I think Justine believes you, too."
I stare at him, taken aback.
"But that's the problem. She thinks the best of you guys — and that's why she's hurt so bad. Because whether you realise or not, you two mean a lot to her now, and she couldn't believe you would be capable of doing this." He shakes his head. "She's had a lot of friends who hadn't been there for her, and you two come along and save her day like a couple of superheroes." He shrugs, but there's nothing nonchalant about it. "Now, she just sees you as a villain like everyone else in her story."
My heart is heavy. I knew Justine was hurting... maybe I didn't know how much. Liv was right; I should stop assuming things in my head, thinking that everything is the way I imagined them to be.
Like right now, with Jude, where things are going south pretty quickly.
"I shouldn't even be talking to you right now. I'm sorry."
"Jude — "
"Addie," he steps forward, but curses and pulls back as if he's second-guessing. "This isn't something that'll go away easily. Okay? I need you to understand." He pauses, straightens up and says, "I don't think we should see each other anymore. Not until this is resolved. It has nothing to do with you."
Does it? A silent question, but he hears it as clear as day.
"It's for Justine." He doesn't break eye contact. "She needs to know I'm on her side, alright?"
When he walks away, I feel like I'm going to break. Like actually break apart. For once in a long time, I'm not sure where Jude and I stand. And that scares the hell out of me. So much. Oh, God, my heart is racing so fast I need to rest my head against the tree. I let out a deep breath.
I get it, I convince myself. He's his sister.
Doesn't stop me from crying out of frustration, though.
But if there's one thing I learned from being competitive all the time, from participating in contests and challenges everywhere I go... is that failing doesn't stop me. It builds me up.
I just have to keep reminding myself that.
And know the right time to try again.
And try and try again.
A/N: You didn't think it was that easy, did you?
Are you a Jude/Trey/Vic type of person? I'd go for Jude any day.
P.S. — the photo editor that I used was taken down, and I couldn't remember Addie's font, so I had to use another one that was similar. And that's the tea.