Well, Good Morning to you all ... I'm sure this huge turn-out stems from widespread concern over my recent recovery from excruciating dental implants!
(polite laughter)
Alright then, who's first? You sir ...
Coach Hammond, at what point did you first become aware of your entire team's Oath of Allegiance to an "Infinite Reich"?
Hmm ... funny you should ask.
(loud laughter)
Actually, it was at the very start of this year's football season, which - as you're all aware - saw the Ravagers storm to victory on every single occasion.
Yes, you please?
Are you saying that your role as team mentor occurred in full awareness of your players' absurd and frankly; outrageous, contempt for our free society?
Oh yes, absolutely.
(uneasy gasps)
And would this have been some sort of media stunt or just a tacky challenge to perceived political correctness?
Neither would have much tactical value, on or off the pitch but a clever question there ... anyone else reckon they can come up with one today?
Yes: have you an apology prepared with a view to making amends for the widespread offence caused by your team's behaviour?
I'm not sure what "behaviour" we might be referring to my immaculately righteous friend?
A collective oath equals an activity and therefore an actual form of behaviour, surely?
No, I've no apology ... and would probably have left it in my car anyway. As to "offence" ... well maybe if you guys could resist invoking it just to relieve modern boredom, we'd all be better off.
(shaking of heads etc)
Coach Ha –
Do you think we could return to raising hands for questions please?
(sips water)
And not in a 'Nazi salute' sort of way, haha.
(silence)
Okay, yes, you sir, in that somewhat garish pink shirt?
Oh ... Thank You!
(laughter)
Coach Hammond, you seem to correlate a clandestine vow with the Ravagers' spectacular performance on the pitch this season ...
Well, in their sweet little heads, I suppose my players pounded to victory through an abstract yet unquenchable thirst for challenge, yes.
Is that not a rather glib response to the proliferation of a dangerous ideological trend in society?
Not at all. Indeed it may amuse you to note that the only vaguely relatable physical injuries I know of occurred against two opposing players of Alt-Right persuasion: funny old world, eh?
Yes madam?
Your team comprises an ethnically diverse mix. In what way were they able to reconcile an overtly racist –
Oh please ... this is getting really old and I'm getting older by the second just staring at this stale horse shit! Something else is only a hashtag away from being an even better 'Outrage of the Week' so how about we all take an honest break and catch up with our coffees or something?
(agreeable silence)
The team would like to thank the public for their discerning support and will soon be back in training under next season's oath of 'Interstellar Domination'– cute little theme, huh?
Thanks and see you all next time!