A/N
So I want to start off by saying that I don't own any of The Hunger Games characters even though I wish that I did😊
Enjoy:)
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I am immediately overwhelmed with guilt once I let go of Peeta's hand. If only I could've lied about every kiss we had being for the cameras . . . Why didn't I? I stare at Peeta intently, regretfully as he trots off. It is only when cameras surround me that I snap back to reality. I realize that my authentic smile has melted into a saddened expression. I suppose maybe I could pretend this is because Peeta has left me to greet his family, but I have to regain the smile either way.
I don't want to act anymore. I have hurt someone who has done nothing but good things for me and it is acting which has caused it. I don't wanna see another camera. All I can think is- as much as I owe Peeta, this is how he's repaid? I shove my way through an enormous wave of paparazzi. They scowl at me, but continue to follow my every last move. I step on toes and ram into unfamiliar faces before reaching who I wanna see.
"Katniss!" her familiar high pitched voice squeals. I run to Prim and desperately embrace her petite figure. We are unable to say much. What little things we utter are overridden by the loud, obnoxious cheers of the crowd. People continuously tug at my arms, seeking my attention. I manage to wriggle my way out of their grasp and push on through more of the crowd before another person pulls at me.
"Quit!" I demand agitatedly. The person grips my hand another time and I spin around to see that it isn't paparazzi. I know the striking dark hair and fierce grey eyes anywhere. He pulls at me one last time to bring me in an embrace. I don't refuse this time. I allow him to tug my arm until my body is pressed against his. My arms wrap around his waist and I stand on my tiptoes to lay my head against his shoulder and press my face into his neck.
"You can't leave me again, you got that?" he asks, giving me a tighter squeeze. I moan into his neck and then pull my head back to look at him. I examine his face briefly before replying.
"You're right, I can't. I would never be able to," I tell him factually. He tucks a loose strand of my hair falling from my braid behind my ear and manages a smile. Knowing him for so long, it is easy to tell that this smile is faux. "Let's get Prim and the rest," I say and begin snapping my head in all directions in hopes of finding them this easily. "I wanna get home."
A portion of the crowd has vanished and it is only a little easier to spot Gale and I's families. I share short hugs with Hazel and the kids before we all manage to escape the paparazzi swarming me. After walking for awhile, I stop in front of a little old torn up house- my house. Everyone stops and I continue on to the door and spot a small envelope placed on the ground with Katniss Everdeen written in small lettering along the front. I retrieve the mail and open it to find a small key and a slip of paper with an address on it concealed inside. I turn to face the group and reveal what I have gotten and they all nod.
Hazel and the kids branch off to their home and I force Gale to stay with me. I hand my mother the key which makes her smile a little bit. Maybe it's because even something as simple as allowing her to turn a lock and open the door has meaning to it since I hadn't let her touch anything addressed to me in the past after my father died. It is the closest I've gotten to letting her do something for me that is motherly in years.
Prim oddly doesn't seem quite as lively today. Has watching me compete in the games taken a toll on her? Maybe it's just because it's all still fresh in her mind. It'll fade off, I tell myself, though this doesn't help my concern. I wrap an arm around her shoulder finding that I don't have to lean down as much to do this. Prim has grown taller since I've been gone. She glances at me and I can't help but notice how it seems her face has even matured. Now not even her personality is quite the same and I'm not sure if I can handle all of this sudden change.
"You alright little duck?" I ask worriedly. She nods and forces a smile. No she isn't. That's not my Prim. My Prim doesn't have to make herself smile. I sigh and stand up straight again, removing my arm from her tense shoulders.
"Alright," I mumble. I feel a large hand grab my small one and snap my head in Gale's direction. He grins as lightheartedly as he can and I glimpse at our hands as he adjust them by entwining our fingers together.
"She's okay Catnip," he whispers as we ride up on the Victors' Village sign. All chatter from my mom and Prim halts as well as Gale and I's. My mother steps forward, taking lead of the group since she has the address. It isn't long before we've reached the gigantic house. My mother then unlocks the door and we step in.
All you can really say is that it is a pristine house with fancy luxuries, plush furniture, and stocked cabinets of food.
We all gasp, drawing in a quick breath and struggling to exhale in our amazement. It is unusual to see something this fine in district twelve. Quite frankly, I didn't know things like this even existed without proof. Though here it is, and I hate it. It isn't at all home. I already feel like a Capitol citizen. Home is oddly where I have to hunt for food and fight to stay alive. I felt more at home in the games than I do now. I already know that I won't be spending much time here. I suddenly feel as if I am enclosed in a small room containing air that isn't breathable. I need to escape.
I let go of Gale's hand and turn around before making a run for the meadow. The tight Capitol slippers on my feet make it hard to run, but I can't stop to take them off. Gale is right behind me, probably ready to carry me back to that place. I run through the Victor's Village welcoming sign and pass my old home. Although the slippers slow me down, I am still fast. I practically leap through the hole in the fence once I get there. My dress flows in the wind, trailing behind me in the muddy grass. I finally reach the woods and place my toe on the limb of the first tree that I spot. Just as I straighten my leg to boost myself up, someone grabs my waist, dragging me away.
I thrash around in Gale's arms, kicking and screaming. I can't go back there! I snap my head to the left and place my teeth against his shoulder before biting down on it. He cried out in pain and uses his chin to turn my head away. With my fake Capitol nails, I claw him on the side of his arm and watch blood trickle down it as he jerks away, screaming in agony caused by a girl gone mentally insane. He drops me and quickly begins to explain himself.
"I'm not taking you back there," he says as calmly as possible as I am rising to my feet, ready to run again. I stop dead in my tracks though. Something in his voice makes me believe him.
"Oh," I mumble as my cheeks become a deep velvet. I remove my feet from my slippers before sitting down as he joins me.
"I just wanted you to sit with me, I guess. I knew if you got in that tree you wouldn't ever come down and I'd rather sit here than up there. Honestly, I don't wanna go back to your new 'home' either and I'm glad you made the first move of escaping," he laughs. I become even more embarrassed and carelessly lean my head against his shoulder so he can't see. I begin to think of how much things have already changed. Like a ton of bricks pounding down on me suddenly, the realization that things will never be the same strikes me. It doesn't take much longer before I feel a single tear run down my cheek, then another, one more . . . I begin to sob.
Gale pulls me into his lap and begins to hush me. He wipes away the incessant flow of tears sliding down my cheeks. My head starts throbbing as images enter my mind of the games. Through tears, I blearily see Rue helplessly tangled in a net with a spear in her stomach, dead. My entire body seems to shrivel up before shaking and I let out a horrid scream. Gale pulls me closer against his chest and I bury my face into his soaked shirt, sticky with sweat.
"Shhh, you're okay. It's okay." I curl my fingers around the mid section of his worn out shirt and look up at him, heart stricken with pain. He flashes back at me a concerned look. "You're with me," he says reassuringly. He sees that I've slipped away from him. I can't tell what's real and what is not real at the moment and it drives me to insanity. Without warning, I begin to yell.
"She's dead!" I cry to Gale. "She's dead and it's all my fault!" I briefly glance at the same spot and sure enough she is still lying there. I point in Rue's direction. Gale looks, squints his eyes really hard, and shakes his head.
"No Catnip, she isn't there. Get out of that mind of yours. You're with me," he whispers ever so gently. He seems to know exactly which person I'm talking about without even seeing her and I know he understands more than I thought he would.
Gale's hand flutters over my eyelids, tickling my eyelashes and several minutes later, I feel something like a butterfly land on my forehead. It takes a couple more landing all over my face for me to realize that they are kisses. Gale is kissing me everywhere. Is this real? I want to open my eyes, but I don't want him to stop. He doesn't quite reach my lips yet. I fight to stay awake, but I fall asleep just as he kissed me right above my upper lip.
~
"Rise and shine my fearless warrior," I hear an unfamiliar voice coo as I awake.
I'm lying in a bed that I don't remember. It's extremely fancy and comfortable and causes me to think that I am on the train again. I jolt up and jerk my head in different directions. It is dark outside and the only light provided is from a small lamp to my left. This causes me to have to squint my eyes to see the objects in the room and try to figure out where I'm at. I recognize the voice belonging to the person in the room as Gales and know that I am not on my way to the games. I suddenly spot his handsome figure sitting in a chair beside my bed as he places one hand on my back to help me gently fall back onto the bed as the other once pushes me backwards diligently.
"It's okay," he says as if I am a wounded animal, scared of my surroundings, but I trust Gale and allow him to bring me back onto the soft cushion of the bed. As soon I am lying down and Gale has removed his hands from me, I scoot over to provide more room for him to lay next to me. I tug on his arm and he cooperates by lying in the bed without hesitation. As soon as he climbs in, I spill what's on my mind.
"I'm not the same anymore Gale," I mumble. His face falls at this comment. I can tell that he wants to deny it, but he doesn't ever lie to me.
"I know," he replies with a steady voice. "Nothing is."
I suddenly notice how awkwardly he is lying beside me. He lays there putting obvious distance between us, not sure of how close I will approve of him getting. He knows me and is aware that I'm not a touchy person. He doesn't seem like that either, but even so I could imagine him -with the striking looks he has- lying next to a girl with his body pressed ridiculously close to her. Something tells me that he's only being careful around me because he knows how stubborn I am. Suddenly, I wonder how many girls he's possibly dated in the past and gotten close to. He has to have dated at least one . . .
I then remember him kissing me before I went to sleep. Was he taking advantage of the fact that I was absentminded? Possibly. I could imagine him doing this too. It pangs my heart when I think of how good he was at it. He made it feel too good, as if he'd done it before to another girl. It was so amazing that I didn't run from it, I couldn't. It was so gentle, almost softer than Peeta's yet with a quicker pace and a hint of aggressiveness or maybe determination. I can't help but compare the way his lips felt against my skin to the way Peeta's had felt. They're so alike and also so different. I can't possibly decide which ones I enjoy more.
All of the sudden, I feel a rare urgency to be close to him. I want him to do to me just what he did in the meadow. Except this time, I want to be aware of what is going on so I can take it all in. It was like a good dream that you wake up from. It was so unreal and amazing that you want to drift back into sleep and continue living in that fantasy. This want feels all too weird. I have never wanted someone to kiss me like I do right now. I suppose I wanted Peeta to at times in the games, but this feels different. That was more like a need. Peeta's lips had made me feel like I wasn't alone and that I was safe while being in an arena where I could die at any moment. This? This is more like a want and a need.
I get the idea that maybe if I show Gale some sort of affection, he won't be as cautious with me. Maybe he'll return it as well. So, I wrap my arms around his neck and bring him closer to me, letting him know that I want him. His eyebrows narrow and I want to laugh because I've confused him and his face looks so funny all scrunched up. I start to wonder if I'm really that stubborn that when I show affection people try to figure out why I could be doing it. It's kind of like a kid being nice to their parents to get a new toy.
Suddenly, embarrassment takes over. My cheeks flush a scarlet red, but I don't give up to get what I want. I slowly slide my legs up his until mine find his waist and wrap around it. He looks horrified now, but almost in a pleased way. As if he's enjoying it, but knows I must want something huge. His grey eyes are a bit wide and he gulps nervously.
"Wow Katniss, you have changed," he remarks, I feel his arms carefully wrap around me. It looks as if he's scared and I hope it's because he doesn't want to ruin it rather than because he doesn't like it. When his arms finally get around the entire perimeter of my torso, he breathes a sigh of relief. He relaxes, no longer being tense, but I can tell that he's still trying to figure out why I'm letting this happen.
"Okay, just tell me what you want. What or who is making you do this?"
My heart sinks and my cheeks transform into a brighter red. I don't know what to say. It feels embarrassing to admit that I . . . That I what? Have a crush on him? Do I really or is it just that I like the way his lips feel? I can't figure out which one is true. What exactly is making me do this? That's when it hits me. Him! Duh! That's what I want! Him, Gale! I want every part of him. Though it still seems embarrassing to say this, I take a deep breath and finally let it out.
"You. I want you," I admit. He immediately looks shocked and taken aback. As soon as I say this, I regret it. What if he really doesn't like me? What if I was only dreaming about the kisses? No I wasn't. I know of that, I reassure myself. I don't dream and I can't.
Overall, he looks extremely confused. He shakes his head. I'm not sure what this means. Is he telling me no? I feel mislead. It was a dream after all. How could I be so stupid to think that someone like him would share such delicate kisses with someone like me let alone do it twice! He suddenly starts to reply, his deep voice startling me.
"Don't play that game with me Katniss," he says sternly, suddenly bursting in anger. My jaw drops open. What have I done? He scoots away from me and stands up.
"What game?" I ask weakly with a saddened expression. I stand up next to him with shaky legs as tears form in my eyes. I can't lose him because of my stupidity. Not now! Not when I need him the most! I need him to help me survive through the flashbacks that I suffer as a result of the games. I grab his arm, but he jerks it away.
"You'll never love me like you love him!" he says, making a point to emphasize the last word in referral of Peeta.
"I don't love him Gale," I say quietly yet firmly. "I did what I had to do to survive. I'm sorry though, I thought you felt the same way for me, clearly you don't."
I want to mention him kissing me earlier, but I don't know how to bring it up. If it was a dream, then it would look weird. I can't help but wonder why he had been so loving to me earlier and is all of the sudden shoving me away now.
"I do, but you-" his voice trails off. He seems so distressed. Does he really love me? If he does, how long has he? Is it enough to make him jealous when I was kissing Peeta? A load of guilt builds on my shoulders like fifty pound weights upon them. I hurt Gale by kissing Peeta and now the fact he is hurt has hurt me. I imagine how much I would hate to see him kiss another girl. Do I really love him this much? It feels weird for me to have stronger feelings for him beyond being a friend, but at the same time it feels right . . .
"You love me?" he asks in a light whisper. I nod my head and run my fingers through my hair which is no longer in a braid. I notice that I'm not in a dress anymore either, but sweats and a t-shirt instead. I'm embarrassed at first, but then realize that it must've been Prim who changed me, not Gale.
Stress is the only thing that circumferences me at the moment. I'm wrapped in it, bathed in it, clothed in it. I can't stop imagining Gale's face when I kissed Peeta and I can't bare the image. He won't ever believe me or trust me again, let alone love me. If he loved me before, there's no way he can now. I'll have to keep acting for the cameras for the rest of my life anyways and that'll get us nowhere. So maybe it's better for him to not love me. I'll just have to figure out how I can suffice with it.
All these thoughts rummage through my mind and thrust me into another world leaving me in no way prepared for what happens next. He cups my face in his hands desperately while taking advantage of my lips with his own. My eyes shoot straight open in the shock of the moment and I stand frozen before coming back to reality. My nose lightly nudges his cheek and I close my eyes before edging my lips away from his an inch to soften the kiss. I am so used to Peeta's gentle approaches that Gale's aggressive one takes me by surprise. Although it's different, I like it. It lets me know that he is anxious to connect our lips.
When I've adjusted to the feel of the kiss, I allow it to be deepened and press my lips further into his. Gale pulls away after a longer amount of time and leans his forehead against mine. A moan escapes from the back of my throat and surfaces into the warm air of what I assume is my Victors' Village room. He presses his lips against mine gently this time and I can feel his lips curve into a smile at my satisfaction, I suppose, which causes me to immediately become embarrassed.
Just as my face becomes red for the millionth time today, he pulls away unexpectedly. I suddenly wish that it hadn't been this short. I'm still craving what he just presented to me. It's even better than the tender kisses he gave me earlier and I want more. My eyes are still closed and my lips are still in place where he left them. Gale plants one last kiss that feels similar to the flutter of a butterfly's wings against my nose which makes me grin. I open my eyes just as he sweeps me off my feet and into the air as if I'm weightless and takes me back to my bed. He tucks me in and sits in the same chair he'd been sitting in before when I awoke.
"Lay with me," I mumble pleadingly as I outstretch my arms in an attempt to grasp him and bring him against me once more.
"No," he refuses gently while stroking my hair. "I have to stay her for the night since it's completely dark outside, but there are plenty of other rooms to sleep in. I shouldn't just crowd into your room."
My face becomes crestfallen and I persist on begging him. Although I'm not tired now, I feel sick to my stomach at the thought of the nightmares I'll have later on in the night.
"Fine," I eventually give in, "but either way you'll end up in my bed when my nightmares come. So it's either lay with me now or later."
I feel a bit pushy saying this, but I need someone to hold me when I fall asleep. The nightmares petrify me and I'm not going to just let them happen because of a stubborn Gale.
He sighs at my comment but doesn't hesitate to crawl in bed next to me where he quickly embraces me. Once he's settled, he seems to enjoy being next to me. I snuggle closer to him and he throws the blankets over us both sloppily. I press my face into his chest and breathe unsteady breaths of air against the cloth of his shirt. He isn't confused or reluctant this time when I wrap my legs around his waist. I draw my head back just to get one more glimpse of him to reassure myself that this is real and I'm not just stuck in the games imagining this. It's then that I notice how tired he looks and wonder how much sleep he got while I was gone. I'm not tired at all from my previous nap, but I don't admit it because I want to lay here forever.
"You're tired," I inform him. "You should get some sleep."
He nods and a long string of silence follows throughout the air. I feel safer in his arms now than I do in the woods. I know that even if I were aware that I was dying, I'd feel safer than ever as long as his arms were enclosing me. I wonder how it feels to him to have me pressed against his warm body desperate for his love. If I would've known the luxurious feeling of it then I would have been glued to him like this a long time ago. Maybe that's a good thing for us because back then it wouldn't be nearly as comforting and special than it is right now. We wouldn't have realized how much we truly do need each other and probably wouldn't even be together at this moment. Although even if we were, I know that I wouldn't be appreciating or savoring the moment as much as I am now.
He begins to speak, breaking the silence. With my face buried in his chest his voice sounds muffled and I have to move my head back a bit again to look at him and hear him better. I peer into his wondrous grey eyes and find it hard to concentrate on his statement while gazing at them.
"You know I'm not going to let anything happen to you or your family, right? I promise."
I try to resist the urge to widen my eyes. I don't want to make him feel like he has done something wrong, but I just don't understand how he can make a promise that big. It's such a huge burden to put on yourself. Promising to keep not one person alive . . . But three! Especially in a world like this and the position I stand in amongst it. Even though I hate to admit it, I know that keeping my family alive could be difficult. I guess if this promise is this huge, then he has to truly mean it or at least be as confident as possible in the odds of it. So I nod my head and kiss him on the cheek as something kind of like a reward for being so kind to me today.
"I know," I reply just as confidently as he seems. I lay trust into Gale and know that what he says, he means. So no matter how low the odds may be in things turning out the way he expects them to, I don't doubt him for a second.