Jessica isn't very good with words but she does understand what's inside the heart of a human being.
Jessica isn't very good with hard work but she does understand the effort people do to earn the things they have and want.
Jessica isn't very good at being compassionate but she does understand that receiving compassion feels good and it helps.
Jessica isn't very smart and isn't very perceptive in fact she's very dense but she sees more than she let's on.
Jessica isn't very comfortable with men in fact more often than not they scare her but she understands that not all men are scary.
Jessica also doesn't have many friends in fact she has one because she understands that the other people in her life will leave her alone should the relationship with her one friend is ever broken.
She doesn't remember what it feels like to be happy because she's depressed. All the time. But she understands that she makes people worry if she shows it. So she doesn't show it.
Jessica has many hobbies because she needs the distractions.
She already knows she has a problem and she needs to stop but stopping is difficult and she can't do it.
"Jessica is a fucked up piece of shit." Jessica says to Jessica. She is standing in front of a mirror.
She hates to look at herself. She isn't pretty but she looks at herself a lot anyways so she could at least make sure she isn't hideous.
She hates her smile. She has big cheeks and her smile looks like a forced smirk. She always looks annoyed.
"Jessica you're pathetic." She says to Jessica hoping that she will feel an urge to tell herself that she isn't pathetic but she doesn't because she knows she is and she never feels the need to defend herself if something is true.
Jessica likes honesty because then she doesn't have to worry if something is said with any double meaning but she understands that many people lie so she ends up worrying anyway. She ends up doubting. She doesn't trust.
Jessica has trust issues because she's been used one too many times. She's been played one too many times. She's been lied to one too many times. She's been betrayed one too many times. She's been hit on one too many times. She's been berated one too many times. She's been verbally abused one too many times... and they all said sorry and that she's at fault.
Jessica believes in forgiving people because to hate drains at her heart, soul and mind but she knows that others don't forgive, don't forget and don't move on. She also knows that it isn't her fault.
"Why am I Jessica?" Jessica asked Jessica everyday.
Jessica is a little overweight because she is an emotional eater. She eats when she's depressed. She eats when she's mad. She eats when she's content. She eats when she's not sad. She eats when she's, I guess, happy.
Jessica knows eating a lot is bad for her health because she isn't stupid even if she tells herself she is everyday. So she does other things.
Jessica likes to keep herself financially troubled because she finds comfort in the objects she surrounds herself in rather than the people that she isn't sure is honest with her or not. When she's struggling with cash she doesn't have to concern herself with going out with people. Being broke is a good excuse to not go anywhere.
Jessica likes to keep herself isolated because she would rather wallow in her depression rather than say awful things to her family which she isn't sure whether they are honest with her or not. Wallowing felt like a safe place where no bad things could ever touch her. It replaces the lack of familial security.
Jessica likes to get rid of object that she loves because it reminds her that everything she loves will leave her eventually and her taking the initiative to let it go first keeps her aware that she will always hurt.
Jessica likes to read books because she knows the world is cruel and anywhere else is better than her pathetic, insignificant life. The growing amount of unread books are a problem. One that she ignores. Ignore the lack of space. The debt. The lack of money to keep buying more books, buy books anyways and never read them.
Jessica likes to write other versions of herself because she hates how she is, how she acts and how she talks but she always adds parts of herself in the story anyways because she knows that she will always be unhappy no matter what life she lives in.
Jessica is making dolls of these other versions of herself because she is tired of seeing just her but she understands that she will probably hate these dolls too because they are her. She will make them anyway. Or so she told herself.
"Why can't you just go away?" Jessica yells at Jessica.
Jessica doesn't cry because she doesn't want to be a bother to people. Because she understands that others have their own problems and probably have it worse. Because she's been ignored one too many times and to have her feelings rejected and labeled as wrong hurt too much.
Jessica hates herself. If that wasn't very clear.
"I hate you." Jessica tells herself because she does even on days she feels like she might like herself.
Jessica used to cut her wrist because of all of the above. She stopped because she understood that it hurt other people who see the scars on her wrist. She doesn't understand why they only care when she tries to hurt herself.
Jessica had a drunk dad. At a young age she would watch her dad abuse her mother (people have it worse she thinks) and then he'd ask for forgiveness and they would have sex. Sometimes on his bed. Sometimes they'd have sex right next to her.
Sex is only meant for the men's pleasure. It is only used to seek and give forgiveness. Sex is something Jessica never wanted to experience.
Jessica has a sober dad now (all things are temporary). He was arrested and her mother struggled but got him out. He thanked mother, loved her, respectd her then abused her asked for forgiveness and then will have sex. Jessica sleeps with her brother and sister now and no longer has to be next to them having sex.
Jessica learned to touch herself in third grade. She can't remember where she learned it. Maybe it was her parents having sex next to her. Maybe it was the gap between the TV that exposed her father's bed where she had a clear view of where he penetrated her mother. Maybe it was because Jessica thought she had to be forgiven and didn't know how else to ask for it or to who to ask it from.
Jessica had a neglectful mother because mother also suffered through depression and her work was better than being at home with her abusive husband. Her mother didn't realize that by being gone finding comfort in her work she often left her three children at home with the man she was trying to run from.
Jessica was kissed by her father because he wanted to date her. He told her this everyday. 'Give me a kiss' he says. 'Can i be your boyfriend?' He asks. 'You're so pretty,' he compliments. She understood the difference between the time when he said it when she was younger and the time he said it now. Now his kisses were wet. And now he put in tongue. And now she hates being told that she's pretty. Hates to be asked out by people. Hates the feeling of people being a single kiss distance close to her.
Jessica is ashamed of that kiss. She is ashamed of his Touch. She is ashamed of his embraces. She is ashamed of his words. Because now she sees the double meaning behind his actions.
Jessica had a boyfriend because she wanted to believe love is not what her father made it out to be. Because she understood that one man doesn't represent all men. Her boyfriend had Sex with her and she found out he already had a girlfriend. Jessica was just the side bitch.
Jessica hates that she loved him still. Her world revolved around him, only because she made it so. But she's smart, she thinks even if she tells herself she's not. She stopped seeing him immediately. She rejects any future advancements. She prays for her love to die. She won't seek for his forgiveness for being unable to give him forgiveness.
And for some reason, she noticed, everyone she ever knew began to hate her right after.
"Of course no one will love you." Jessica tells herself.
Jessica doesn't believe in love because no matter how many times she tries nobody likes her for her. Men only want sex that's what her daddy taught her. Women are only out for themselves that's what her mommy taught her. Friendships are shallow and quick to change once a single mistake is made. People are quick to judge and quicker to hate.
Jessica will be forever alone because she doesn't believe she's worth anyone's time and effort.
Hello wattpad community. My name is Jessica and I want to fucking die.
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Authors Note
It's been ten years since I wrote this short story. I remembers writing it in an LA summers day sometime around August, possibly. I sat in the passenger seat of my mother's red van. Can't tell you where I was going. Probably to work. I worked by then. I added little bits here and there but ultimately it's the same. I rediscovered it not long ago while going through my drafts.
I never posted it. I was scared to.
Scared of what people would think or say. I guess I'm not scared anymore or maybe I just care even less than I did back then. Not much has changed since then. I'm still there. In that car as I wrote this chapter. This is the most clear I've ever been with myself. I forgot how simple it used to be to say I hate myself. Now it comes with all of these complicated bits and pieces.
I hate myself but. I hate my faults but. I hate my appearance but. Too many buts.
I'd like to say hello once again. Hello to the beaten and abused. Hello to the lonely and misunderstood. Hello to the beloved and popular. Hello to the creators and the creativity consumers.
Hello Wattpad community. My name is Vague and I hate myself.
But I'm trying not to.