Ever since the doctor's text, she had been thinking the worst while waiting for him to return. When she heard him, her stomach tightened with dread. When he walked toward her, she saw wetness at the corners of his eyes.
"The scan showed no change. This last round of treatments did little to the tumors."
For a moment it transported her back to when Uncle David had a similar message about her mother.
"Is there anything else they can do? Something experimental, perhaps? Can they remove them?"
She sounded desperate, but she needed to know. She couldn't just give up on such a young life.
"That treatment was experimental and the tumors are too invasive."
"What does this mean?"
Nick shook his head. "It is hard to say. Maybe months."
"Oh!" Sara gasped and she couldn't stop the sobs. She tried to apologize, but she couldn't speak. She was distraught and angry. In the time of modern medicine, there should be more they could do.
He walked toward her, and she could see tears in his eyes. He surprised her by wrapping his arms around her and holding her. There was nothing she could do, but blubber all over his shirt. Eventually Sara stepped backwards, away from him. His wife wouldn't want him consoling her.
He looked down at her. "Are you going to be alright?"
"I think so." She didn't know if she really was.
"I hate to leave you like this, but I need to get home."
"I'm fine. Thank you, Doctor."
She wasn't fine, but she couldn't ask him to stay and comfort her. She considered going to Poppy's, but went home. She resisted the urge to stop for ice cream. Except for cookies, she didn't eat sweets, but ice cream was her vice when she was upset.
Once alone, she had trouble sorting out what rattled her most, the news of Lily or his gentleness and concern. Possibly it was the feel of his arms around her. She told herself he was just comforting her. He had rushed home to his wife, who could console him in ways she never could.
No matter how she felt about him, she knew he cared as much about Lily as she did. After the initial impact of the news had settled, she had questions.
She received a text message from him. Perhaps her tears on his shirt reminded him to check in with her.
🗨Dr.B: Are you ok?
🗨S: It's hard. Poor Christine.
Sara had lost her mother, but the thought of a mother losing a child.
🗨Dr.B: I know.
🗨S: What's next? That was the biggest question on her mind.
🗨Dr.B: She'll go home, and we'll continue to support them.
'We'll' Who was we? Our practice or the two of them? Even though it was wrong, she liked being a 'we' with him. She had no business having a text conversation with him.
🗨S: Thanks for checking in.
🗨Dr.B: See you in the am.
🗨S: Goodnight
She tried to imagine him texting her. Was his wife next to him? Did she care? She would know that he was upset and she might be too. Sara remembered Lily's knitted hat.
Sleep was elusive, but she needed her run. She wanted the cold air to shock her body and her muscles to hurt so she could focus her pain. She had woken every hour and eventually climbed out of bed before her alarm. The streets were less crowded so early, and she ran further and harder than she ever had. She even had time for a nice long shower and arrived at work early.
She didn't know what to expect from the doctor after their little thaw. The first doctor she saw was Dr. Shaw who came bursting into their office.
"Oh Sara, I heard the news!"
Sara thought to herself, the news that your brother held me in his arms, but she was referring to Lily.
"I hardly slept last night." Sara admitted.
Clare said, "I'm sure you weren't the only one. Poor Christine."
"Do you know the family?"
"This is a small town. Everyone knows everyone. I delivered Lily. She is one of mine." She looked as hollow inside as Sara felt. "Christine was in school with us. Just a few years younger."
Sara assumed the 'us' meant her and the younger brother who arrived just as they were talking.
He looked at both Sara and his sister and sighed. "Tim said he would call you."
Sara didn't hear her response, because they both walked into his office and shut the door. They were discussing Lily, and she selfishly felt left out. Somehow she focused on her work and survived the day. Work kept her mind off Lily. She would be useless if she let her thoughts go in that direction. Truthfully there was another direction she had to keep her thoughts away from. Every time she thought of Lily, it reminded her of the embrace and the tears in his eyes. She didn't speak to Dr. Burke until the end of the day.
Sara asked, "What will our role be?"
"I told Christine that I will come see her as needed."
"You'll see her at home?"
"Yes, house calls just like my father did years ago." He didn't smile. "Are you going to be contacting Christine?"
She nodded. "I'd like to visit, but only if she wants me to."
He nodded. "Lily thinks the world of you. I think they would like it."
"She feels that way about you too."
Sara did too even though she shouldn't. She glanced at his chest and remembered leaning against it. The scent of aftershave was not as strong as it had been that morning.
He hadn't bothered to shave again. He had for the meeting, just as he had for her interview. His hair had also grown out, and it was unruly again, falling into his face. Would he get a haircut over the weekend? Suddenly she was acting as if she could predict his habits.
She sent a text to Christine who replied she could visit anytime. Lily had returned home, because she no longer needed hospital care.
Sara had watched more children die than she could count during the Ebola crisis. It was impossible to save them all. Each one affected her, but not like Lily. Was it because the others barely had names in the midst of the epidemic? The truth was Lily had found her way into Sara's heart.
Lily was up and acting like a normal child. She even showed Sara her room. They stenciled her name on the wall: Lily Rose. Christine asked her to stay to talk after Lily went to bed. She offered her a glass of wine and Sara accepted.
"Don't worry, I don't do this every night," Christine said.
"I wasn't thinking that." It surprised Sara that Christine looked as put together as she did. If she found comfort in a glass of wine, Sara wouldn't judge.
"I knew before they told us she wasn't getting better." She paused. "I almost stopped those last treatments, because they made her so sick. I couldn't just in case they were the miracle we needed."
"I am so sorry and devastated over the news. Dr. Burke is too."
"You've been a good friend to Lily and me and Daph."
"I don't have many friends. I haven't been back home for long."
"You don't do anything fun?"
"I spend time with Lily, that's fun. I started running again. My work is fun."
"The Burkes are all so kind. Their mother, Mrs. Burke is so thoughtful. She sends cards, and Dr. Tim's wife made Lily the hat she loves."
It wasn't the other doctor's wife who knitted the hat. Their mother had stopped by the office once. Sara asked, "How old is their mother?"
"I am not sure. Maybe seventy."
"How old is Dr. Burke?" She felt daring and curious.
"Well, I'm thirty-five and he was at least two or three years ahead of me. When I was younger and single, I would have liked for him to notice me. I think he still looks good. Don't you?"
Sara couldn't let on that she thought about him constantly. Instead, she asked, "How are you really doing?"
Christine laughed. "You changed the subject without answering my question."
Sara sighed. "I'm not blind. Now really, how are you?"
"Oh well, it's hard. One minute I'm so glad to have her home and the next I'm reminded why. Hospice care will start soon."
"I keep praying."
"She's not going to get better" Christine reminded Sara quietly.
"Then I'll pray for comfort for you."
"Sara, you really are one of a kind. You're so caring. I feel better just talking to you."
"I'm glad." Sara wished there was more she could do. She enjoyed seeing Lily acting normal as long as she could. When she left, Sara felt better than she had since she heard the news.