Chapter 23
20 hours ago ...
Ian POV
All I do anymore is look at my ceiling, wondering why I didn't go and get Zen when I had the chance. It's hopeless now. I've been doing this and thinking about this same situation for a month now. No matter what I do it reminds me of Zen. What the hell did she do to me?
I try to forget about her and continue to live my life as if she wasn't in it, but that isn't possible. Eventually I finally stopped fucking with Carmen, because she brought back bad memories that only lead to more thoughts of Zen. I tried to get into some other hoes, but it just wasn't working out.
I'm not sure if me not fucking with Carmen is permanent or not though. Of course I know it was the right thing, but shit lately it seem like everything wrong, so it don't even matter. I rolled out of bed and walked in the bathroom. Damn I looked like shit. I haven't gotten my shit cut in a while, my eyes were heavy with bags and my skin was a little pale. I sighed heavy, I really need to get my shit together.
I walked back in my room seeing ma standing at the door. She walked in my room when she saw me coming out the bathroom, and sat at the desk.
"Good morning ma'" I said stretching out on my bed. "Son, it's four in the afternoon" I unlocked my phone to see she was right, it was damn near five actually. I sighed. When the hell did the day go by?
"Why are you so down? What is wrong with you?" Ma asked. I was never really close to my parents in the last two years. Ever since I learned to drive and be on my own, it seemed like the company had just took off and they didn't give a damn about me or what I did.
I didn't really mind though, My childhood was over, but still then I was never close with my mama it was always dad, every time. Ma was just there, we never really had bonding time like that and if we did I barely even remembered it. It was just as if she was a stranger sometimes.
But she did always care. Every time I would cut my self, or get my feelings hurt, or any of that shit, there she was.
"Nothing ma" I answered, I was a big boy I did not need my mother's assistance. "Ian, I know you better than that, don't sit here and lie to me."
She got up from her seat and begin to rub my back in attempt to comfort me. I rose up at her touch making her hand fall off my back. She sat near me and looked at me with sincere eyes. "Every time I see you, you just look so dead. What's wrong?"
After a moment of silence when I didn't answer back she threw her head in the air. She looked as if she was thinking about something, then looked back at me. "Is it a girl?" I looked straight ahead and didn't say anything. She sighed. "Okay boy, you don't have to talk just listen. You are too good to be going around here looking sad and moping everywhere. If it's a problem, fix it. That's how you were raised and that's how you are going to be. If you don't like something take it into your own hands. You can't wait for something to get fixed by itself, because it may not get fixed if you take too long. If you want something take it. Everything just doesn't come to you. You're a Holt, you can't give up until you're at the top." She stopping talking and look at me with a frown on her face. Everything she was saying was right.
She looked at me for a moment longer and then rose up from her seat. She started for the door. "All I'm saying is, don't give up." With that she closed the door and left, letting me digest her little speech that she just gave.
I knew she was right, she rarely wasn't, but I couldn't just jump on a plane and fly to Phoenix.
Or maybe I could.
___
Within three hours I was ready. I had gotten my appearance together, packed some clothes, and talked to the flight attendant of the private jet. I was completely ready to go. I had even had the hotel in Phoenix save my room. I couldn't believe how easy this shit actually was, but then I remembered what ma had said "Your a Holt"
I headed up the stairs of the jet and sat down in my given seat. This was about a three hour flight and It was exactly what I needed to find out how I would find Zen, and what the hell I could say to her. The jet took off after about ten minutes and we were on our way to Phoenix.
She said she was going to visit her granny and her brother which is the house that I needed to be at. I thought back to things she may have said about her granny, but nothing really came to mind. I remember her telling me she didn't talk to anyone on her dad's side, so it obviously couldn't be her granny on that side.
All I needed was a name, and I could go from there, but nothing came to mind. Zen always talked about her mama though I remember. I just never knew her name, out of all things. I immediatly pulled out my tablet and searched Zen's name.
Not much came up, but a few things did. I found that her mother's name was Paula Rice, and since she had never been married it was safe to say that her grandmother's last name was Rice too.
___
We arrived in Phoenix at about 11:30 that night and I was tired. I have no idea what made me that tired, but whatever it was was strong as hell. It took about twenty minutes to get to the hotel which wasn't too long. I checked in at the front desk when I got there, and that wasn't much at all being that everyone knew my face. I mean this would be my hotel in less than a decade.
I made it too the room and lay face first on the bed. It was good to get away sometimes, especially since I would be seeing Zen the next day.
When I woke up it was noon and that was just fine. I needed to get going anyway. I had the hotel receptionist find Zen's grandmother after I gave her all the information that I knew about the matter. She got everything done, and told me the address, phone number, and a few more things that I may need to know about them.
I headed on my way to the house which was a while away. It was all the way across the other side of town, a couple hours away. I didn't mind the ride. It only helped me prepare what I would say to Zen. On the ride there I called the number that I had gotten from the hotel.
It only rang a few times before a women that sounded a little ill picked up. "Hello?" she spoke lightly into the phone. "Hello, Ma'am" I said, putting on my formal voice, that I had developed from my dad sometime ago. "Yes, may I ask who's speaking?" The woman asked on the other line. "Yes, this is Ian Holt, am I speaking to a Ms.Rice?"
"You are, why are you calling though?"
"I am a friend of you're grand daughter's and I was wondering if I could come and visit her since I was down here"
"Oh yes! That would be nice of her to see one of her old friends" the woman exclaimed.
"Thank you, do you mind if I come by today?"
"That would be wonderful, she should be back in a little while, she just went to run a few errands"
"Okay thank you" I disconnected the call and smiled to myself. I felt like what I was doing was a good thing. A part of me is glad ma came and slapped some sense into me, or I'd be sitting in my bed looking dumb as hell.
___
When we arrived at the house, I told my driver to stay in the area until I called. He nodded and drove off. I stepped out the car. There was a really nice convertible in the parking lot. I examined the car carefully admiring it's exterior.
I nodded to myself wondering if it might be Zen's car. I broke my trance and headed for the door. I knocked and a few minutes later a women answered the door. She was a short, skinny woman. She had a light rash going across her nose and face, and she still had on pajamas. She looked a little weak, but still stable. "You must be Ian" She said moving aside so that I could walk inside.
"You can just sit down over there at the bar, Zen isn't here yet. I'll call her" She said exiting the room. I took a seat at the bar. There weren't many pictures. There were a few drawings, all signed by Zen's little brother Tommy. Zen's granny came back in the room seconds later. "She should be here any minute. I'm glad you came. Zen seems like she misses home a little" Before I could reply she went to the front and glanced out the window for a while.
She was only there for about two minutes when she went and opened the door. She opened the door wide and I saw Zen's face. She looked as fine as ever, everything was looking right. I see she changed her hair. It looked good. It complemented everything, and I liked it.
She walked in first in front of a nigga. I tried my best to ignore him, but him just being there threw me off a bit. "Hey sweetheart, how are you?" Zen's granny said to the nigga. He replied saying her was good. They hadn't noticed me sitting down at the table, but I sat quietly "There's someone you'll be excited to see Zen" Her granny said. I could hear their voices getting louder and louder, but I couldn't keep my eyes off the boy. Who the hell was he?
I kept my stare on him, and he returned with a hard mug. I didn't even realize what I was doing until I heard Zen say my name, in shock and anger.
Zen POV
A face that I had not expected to see anytime soon, and definitely not here, right now, was right here in my eye sight. At first I didn't even believe he was right here, but after a few blinks my suspicion was confirmed. How did he even get here in the first place? Here I was trying to get a fresh start and here Ian was making me think about old bad memories and mistakes.
"Well, I'll just go in my room, and leave y'all alone" Granny said making her way to her room. She looked bad, but still kept that same smile on her face though. As soon as she was out of out of sight and ear shot I shot a death glare Ian's way. "What the hell are you doing here?" I said.
"I just came to see you" He said with that little innocent boy look on his face. I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms around my chest. He had to know exactly what he was doing. I was finally close to forgetting about Ian the slightest bit, and he had to fuck that up too.
I turned to see King looking at us, and not at his phone. "You straight?" he asked raising his eyebrow at me. "Yeah I'm good" I sighed. He smacked his lips as to say that I wasn't. He knew me so well, in so little time. I chuckled a bit and pushed him towards the door. "I'll call you later, I just have to do this" I said assuring him that everything would be okay.
He gave a single nod and then a quick hug. I walked him to the front door, "And I ain't playing, call me if you need me" he said before hopping in his car and driving away. Yet another thing I liked about King, his protective side.
I walked back to where Ian was, preparing for the horrible conversation that was probably about to take place. He stood up and walked over to me. "Zen, who the hell is that nigga?" He asked before I could even say anything. He had hella nerve, interrupting my damn life, and then asking about people in it. I scoffed at him "None of your damn business" I replied.
"I'm for real Zen, who the fuck was that?" he sounded angry now.
"Damn, nobody Ian. Does it really matter anyway?"
He ran his hand down his face and sighed. "Okay Zen, can I just talk to you though?"
I wasn't really mad at Ian anymore, the better part of me forgave him, only because it was the right thing to do. I couldn't really just run into his arms and give him a big kiss and hug and forget about what he put me through, because it just didn't work like that. I didn't really want to listen to him, but he did come all the way here, so I guess I don't have a choice. I led him to the couch in the front room. He sat first and I made sure to sit as far away from him as possible.
"Imma be completely honest with you, no bullshit okay Zen?" I nodded and he begin to speak. I knew it was going to be pretty long so I made my self comfortable on the couch "I just can't stop thinking about you. Zen I never wanted for you to get hurt."
He stopped talking to see if I was listening. I nodded telling him to go on. Just him acknowledging what happened brings back old feelings. "I don't even know what I was thinking half the time it was happening, its like my mind was gone. I just really want to tell you how fucked up it was, and how sorry I am for it. I just really want you to know that I love you, and I just want you to be with me, I'm not playing no games. I can't lose you Zen"
My ears perked up. All the things that I had been waiting on him to say were finally being said. "What?" I said a little overwhelmed and even a little angry. "Zen, I said I love you, real shit. I would give anything to be with you" There he goes saying it again. "Ian I'm sorry, I just can't"
"Why not?"
I sighed. "Ian do you know how long it's been taking me to forget about the shit you and Carmen pulled? A long time. I don't even think I'm still fully over it. I've been through alot of shit in my life, which both of y'all knew and y'all would go and do some shit like that to me? It's one thing to be fucking another bitch, but for that bitch to be my best friend was foul" I admitted. I found myself very angry now. Angry that he had came, and angry that I was basically reliving the thing that I was trying to forget about.
"I know Zen, but if you let me I swear to god I will try with everything in me to make up for it"
I sighed and buried my hands in my face. "Is everything just going in one ear and coming out the other? I don't want you in my life. Not as an associate, not as a friend, and damn sure not as a boyfriend" I almost yelled.
The look on his face was priceless he looked defeated and hurt, but more angry than anything. I honestly didn't want to be that mean, but I mean what else could I be? Just a while ago I was waiting on him, wondering why we weren't together when he was fucking my best friend. It wasn't a one time thing either it was a whole damn month. That's something that can't just be forgotten in a short period of time.
"Zen I know you need time, and that's what I thought I was giving you"
"Ian I don't fucking need time anymore, I need you to leave me the hell alone"
"You ain't serious"
"Do I look like I'm playing?" I asked gesturing to the look on my face. This was the last time that I planned on dealing with Ian. It was over. Whatever feelings I did or do have for him will eventually fade, and it'll be like he was never in my life.
"Can you just think about what the hell you saying, cause I know you don't mean that"
"Ian, yes I do"
"Okay well, maybe when you come back to Chicago we can just start over as friends, and everything can be cool." He was trying with everything in him to find any sign of hope. Something that could point to a future that we had, but It was over.
"I'm not coming back to Chicago" I said giving him a small frown.
"Stop fucking with me. You can't stay here, your whole life is in Chicago." He said. He just really didn't understand at all. "Ian there's nothing in Chicago for me. I have no friends, no family, my sister is on crack, my daddy never stops asking for money and nothing has ever went right there."
"You got me, and that's all you need."
I rolled my eyes, I didn't even want him at this point. "No, that's not what I want, or need. My granny's here anyway, and she's really sick. I'm the only one that can take care of her and my brother." He nodded. "Just get out" I said. I was dead ass serious. He didn't deserve any more explanations or explaining from me.
He got up and made his way to the door. I walked behind him rushing him out quickly. He stood in front of the door, and looked like he was about to say something. Before he could I shut the door in his face, making sure to slam it slightly.
I walked back into the kitchen and grabbed my phone. I noticed I had a text from King after he had left. I laughed at the name that he put in my phone for him.
Sexy King 😍💦: you a good one
It put a smile on my face which was something I needed at the moment. I decided not to text him back since I knew that he was busy. I made a mental note to call him tonight. I walked to my room and sat down on the bed. I just wanted to take a long nap.
I flopped down on the bed and let sleep take over me.
I was in a room. There was nothing around me. It was all white. I closed my eyes just knowing that everything around me was a dream, a horrible blank dream. I opened my eyes again to see duplicates of myself surrounding me. It had to be at least a hundred of them. They all gathered in a circle, leaving me in the middle, and looked at me with angry expressions on their faces.
They were all angry at me. Their facial expressions all the exact same. They walked towards me mimicking words and phrases that I could barely understand. I managed to make out their words after a while.
"You love him"
"Why are you lying to yourself?"
"You want him to be yours"
"You want him"
"You love him"
"You love Ian"
They all repeated these things over and over again. They kept going driving me insane. I couldn't get away from it. It was like they were haunting me and coming closer and closer and closer. I backed away only to bump into another one.
"You love Ian, you love him with all you're heart"
"You're stupid"
"You're stupid for giving him up."
"You don't care if he hurt you, you want him."
I looked around and they were still going, on and on. I couldn't take it It was torture. I screamed at the top of my lungs, begging in my mind to just get out.
It was just a dream. It was all a dream. I woke up sweating, still in the maxi dress that I had one. I looked over at the clock noticing it was almost nine at night. How could such a horrible dream go on for so long? I had been sleep for about three hours. I got out of the bed trying to shake off the weird feeling that was going through my body.
I stripped out of my clothes and turned on the shower after I stepped in the bathroom. I stepped in the shower and let the water hit my body. It was weird cause I felt like they were still all around me, but in reality I was actually conscious.
___