1990: Saturday, 12pm
[Lights up on cottage and picnic table. Rachel and Jessica set dishes at the picnic table, but they are having trouble working around Leanne who is passed out, half lying across one corner. Charlene can be seen at the cottage window on the telephone.]
CHARLENE: Slow down, Mrs. Walker. I can’t understand you. Yes, I have some friends here for the weekend. Yes, Mrs. Walker, my parents are aware of it, not that it matters.
RACHEL: Come on, Leanne, get up!
CHARLENE: Yes, we were here all night. But I’m sure you know that already.
JESSICA: Leanne, if you’ll get up, I’ll make you a smoothie with supplements from my naturopath. You’ll feel a lot better.
[Rachel throws up her hands and stalks into the cottage. She returns with a portable stereo and an extension cord. She sets the stereo down on the picnic table beside Leanne’s head, knocking over cups as she does so.]
CHARLENE: Were we too noisy? Because, honestly, I couldn’t hear the people around the fire from my cottage, Mrs. Walker. Your dog is noisier than my friends. What? I beg your pardon?
[Rachel plugs the extension cord into the stereo.]
CHARLENE: Someone ran over your dog? Mrs. Walker, I’m so sorry to hear that.
[Rachel presses Play. Aggressive music tears out of the stereo. Everyone jumps; Leanne rolls off the table and lands on her feet ready to fight. Susanne bursts out of the outhouse, very pregnant.]
SUSANNE: What the fuck is going on?! Do you want my water to break or what?!
[Rachel turns down the music and everyone attempts to recover. Leanne lays down in the grass. Susanne waddles angrily towards them as Charlene comes out of the cottage.]
SUSANNE: God, I hate outhouses. Charlene, when are your parents going to put some plumbing in the cottage for Christ’s sake? I mean, who still uses a pump to wash dishes?
LEANNE: Shh.
RACHEL: Isn’t she radiant? What is it about pregnant women?
SUSANNE: [Angrily.] Have you ever spent a good twenty minutes puking in an outhouse when you’ve only had an hour of sleep? [Beat.] Right. Never mind.
CHARLENE: The dog.
SUSANNE: Charlene, God knows I love you, but ‘hair of the dog’is not going to help morning sickness.
CHARLENE: No, the dog.
LEANNE: Shh.
JESSICA: [Moves the stereo off the table to finish setting out the dishes.] Oh, lighten up, Susanne. Morning sickness is a good sign. I’ll make you some tea that will make you feel better.
CHARLENE: Mrs. Walker’s dog. Someone ran over the neighbour’s dog last night. Who drove home from the bar?
[Everyone looks at Jessica. She freezes for a moment before gushing out a teary-eyed confession.]
JESSICA: [To Leanne.] Oh, I told you we should stop! Oh my God, that poor little dog. That poor little dog. I thought I heard something. I was sure I’d heard something but Rachel and Leanne said not to stop. It’s so creepy on that road. There are no lights and it’s so dark and there was no moon last night. How could I see a dog on the road? But I heard something, a thump or something. Oh, my god, that poor little dog.
SUSANNE: You let Jessica drive? Jesus.
JESSICA: What’s that supposed to mean? I’m a good driver.
CHARLENE: It’s okay, Jessica.
RACHEL: I’ll check the car. [She runs off stage.]
JESSICA: [To Leanne.] I told you. I told you.
LEANNE: Shh.
JESSICA: What are we going to do? That poor dog. Oh, my god.
CHARLENE: Jessica, it’s okay. The dog is okay. Jessica!
JESSICA: [Quiets and turns to Charlene.] What?
CHARLENE: The dog is okay. Just a broken leg.
[Enter Rachel.]
RACHEL: There’s nothing on the car. We can deny it.
JESSICA: But with all the black lights and scanners and stuff. If there’s blood, they’ll find it.
SUSANNE: Jessica, it’s a dog. It’s not hit and run. Reckless driving, maybe, but not negligence causing death.
JESSICA: [With renewed terror.] Reckless driving?! Oh my god, they’ll take my license!
RACHEL: You didn’t hear me. There’s nothing on the car. We can deny it. We never went to the bar. We were here all night with Charlene and Susanne. They’ll vouch for us.
SUSANNE: It’s a dog. There will be no investigation. Ooh, except maybe for mischief if Mrs. Walker wants to press it. What did she say, Charlene?
RACHEL: So you’re a lawyer now because you married one?
CHARLENE: She said that the dog came limping home around one in the morning.
SUSANNE: But they didn’t get back until almost three. It couldn’t have been them.
[Beat. They all collapse with relief and laugh.]
LEANNE: So…if it wasn’t the dog, then what did we hit?
[Blackout.]
1991: Saturday, 1pm
[Music up. Lights up. Charlene is clearing the table and generally tidying up, popping in and out of the cottage. Susanne, Jessica, Rachel and Leanne are seated around the fire, each with a drink, looking at pictures that Susanne is passing around.]
SUSANNE: This one’s my favourite. I love the way the sun is hitting her face.
JESSICA: She’s beautiful, Susanne. She’s really, really beautiful.
LEANNE: Was it horrible?
SUSANNE: [Hesitates.] Truth? [They all nod.] It was hell. I actually had post-traumatic stress disorder afterwards. I should’ve had a C-section, but by the time they realized that it was too late.
CHARLENE: Didn’t you have an epidural?
SUSANNE: Yeah, but it didn’t help. The episiotomy was the worst. Imagine a really thick braid of hair or a rope and cutting that in one snip with a big pair of shears. That was the sound it made. [They all cringe, physically and verbally.] Well, they had to, or one push would’ve ripped me in half. I’m telling you, evolution really fucked up on this one. We should have zippers down there. [Flips to another picture.] Oh, here she is with her daddy. He’s so good with her.
LEANNE: Why would anyone have another kid after going through that once?
JESSICA: It’s different for everyone. Some women have a really easy time.
RACHEL: Right. That’s what your mother tells you because she wants grandchildren.
CHARLENE: That’s not what my mother told me.
SUSANNE: Well, you were 16.
JESSICA: I probably can’t have kids, anyway. Not with my health.
SUSANNE: It’s the stuff they don’t tell you. [Everyone leans in, all ears.] You shit yourself. I’m not kidding. All that pushing. You know how sometimes you might fart during a really a good orgasm? Well, multiply that by a thousand.
RACHEL: Well, that does it for me. I was on the fence, but, oh my god—you shit yourself?
SUSANNE: And then you don’t shit at all for like 2 weeks. Hemorrhoids. I was impacted. You should’ve seen me. [She hands the pictures to Jessica and stands, acting out the story as she talks.] I was half standing over the toilet, both hands braced on the vanity. I was sweating and crying. My mother was outside the door, pounding and calling to see if I was okay. I told her to hold on and not panic. I was going to go for it. When I pushed, it was like having another baby two weeks later.
[She grits her teeth and bears down then lets out a loud, sustained grunt that is punctuated by a long wail before she collapses back into her chair breathing heavily. The girls howl with laughter. The cottage door slams and they stop.]
RACHEL: Oh, shit.
SUSANNE: I’ll go get her. [She goes into the cottage after Charlene.]
LEANNE: I thought she was getting better. It’s been like, what, six months?
RACHEL: Her parents died, Leanne. You don’t just get over something like that.
JESSICA: So, I still don’t really know what happened.
RACHEL: There’s nothing to tell. They hit a patch of ice on the highway, went into the ditch and hit a tree. Killed instantly.
JESSICA: I feel so bad I missed the funeral.
RACHEL: You should. She’s your friend. She needed you there.
JESSICA: Excuse me, I was in the hospital with pneumonia!
LEANNE: Whatever.
JESSICA: What?
LEANNE: I said, ‘Whatever.’ It’s always something with you, Jessica.
JESSICA: Like I planned to have pneumonia when Charlene’s parents died.
LEANNE: Pneumonia, fibromyalgia, bleeding fucking synapses. It’s all in your head, Jessica. There’s nothing wrong with you.
JESSICA: Oh, you’re a doctor now, too, on top of being a sarcastic bitch know-it-all.
LEANNE: For fuck sakes, I deal with women who are regularly beaten and raped by their husbands. I have a client who averages an abortion a year because she has to fuck for food. Women who are in and out of prison for poverty-related crime. Victims of violence. Talk to me when you have a real problem, okay?
JESSICA: I feel sick all the time. When I get up in the morning until I go to bed at night.
LEANNE: We all do. It’s called life.
JESSICA: How can you sit there and tell me I’m not in pain? You can’t feel what I feel.
RACHEL: Alright, alright, stop it. This is the last thing Charlene needs to hear right now. We’re supposed to be here to cheer her up. Girls’ weekend.
JESSICA: You’re right.
LEANNE: Yeah. Sorry.
RACHEL: We’ve got to get that girl a drink.
LEANNE: I have something else that might help. [She pulls a bag of cocaine out her pocket.] Anyone else in need of a little pick-me-up?
RACHEL: Set me up, babe!
JESSICA: [Grabbing for the bag. Leanne pulls it out of her way.] Where did you get that?
LEANNE: A fringe benefit of counselling drug addicts. [Dangling the bag in front of her.] Do you want some?
JESSICA: I don’t know…What does it do?
RACHEL: It makes you stop spilling drinks when you’re really, really drunk.
JESSICA: But I’m not drunk, yet.
LEANNE: Yet.
JESSICA: Oh, what the hell. You only live once.
[They all go into the cottage single-file.]
JESSICA: What happens at the cottage stays at the cottage.
LEANNE: Oh, Charlene! We have a little surprise for you…
1992: Saturday, 5pm
[Music up. Everyone but Charlene troops back out of the cottage in bathing suits, laughing, singing to the music and dancing with their arms outstretched. They bound downstage towards the dock, through the audience and out. Charlene is at the window, talking on the telephone. The sounds of splashing and squealing can be heard.]
CHARLENE: Yes, Mrs. Donahue. No problem. The grass? Well, I won’t be able to— I’m working at the grocery store all week. Ben? He’s only 11. Yes, it would be good for him, but he has school for another month. [Sighs.] I guess I could drive out after work on Friday. Okay. Thanks again for letting us use the cottage. It’s $800 for the weekend, right?
[The other girls dash back in through the audience, shivering and squealing.]
CHARLENE: I’ll leave the money in an envelope beside the telephone. I really appreciate the deal. It’s been a tradition for us for—yes, it is special to us. Alright, bye.
[She hangs up and comes out of the cottage just as the other girls reach the fire pit. They wrap towels around themselves.]
LEANNE: Too cold. Too cold.
RACHEL: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
SUSANNE: Holy fuck!
CHARLENE: It’s only May.
JESSICA: Someone start the fire. The cold water is bad for my circulation. What was I thinking?
CHARLENE: [Moves to the fire.] Can someone bring some wood over?
RACHEL: Sure. Hey, what’re we having for dinner? [Grabs an armful of wood and moves to help Charlene. Jessica wraps herself in a blanket and sits by the fire. Leanne clears beer bottles off the picnic table. Susanne joins Jessica by the fire.]
CHARLENE: I brought hot dogs.
LEANNE: Is that the best we can do? [She goes into the cottage.]
CHARLENE: You’ve never complained before.
LEANNE: [At the window.] Screw the hotdogs, there’s jumbo shrimp in here!
RACHEL: Really? Who are you saving that for? [Abandoning Charlene with the fire, she bounds into the cottage.]
CHARLENE: We can’t eat the shrimp! It’s not— [They look at her expectantly.] It’s for tomorrow.
LEANNE: Fuck it. I say we eat it now.
JESSICA: I can’t have shellfish. I’m allergic.
RACHEL: [From inside the cottage, presumably with her head in the fridge.] Yep. We can have hotdogs tomorrow. Ooh! Fiddle heads. Asparagus. Parisienne potatoes. Baby, are we gonna feast tonight. Nice going, Charlene.
CHARLENE: [Lamely.] Thanks.
LEANNE: [Comes out of the cottage with a tablecloth and dishes. She sets the table while she speaks.] Rachel, you start the ‘que. We’ll let it warm up while the shrimp thaws. Charlene, do you want to make a salad? I saw some spinach and mushrooms in there.
[They all move about getting dinner ready, changing into warmer clothes, tending the fire, etc. Leanne, finished with the table moves to the fire and lights a joint. The other girls drift over and sit, except Charlene, who has been left to make dinner. Everyone has a beer.]
SUSANNE: How’s Toronto treating you?
RACHEL: It’s alright. I need to find another job.
JESSICA: Again?
RACHEL: That’s the industry. Everybody moves around. I’m tired of the corporate crap. I’m ready to manage a small place. I’m getting too old to be waiting tables.
CHARLENE: Too old? You’re only 27.
LEANNE: That’s old in a business that sells sex and booze. Rachel is a crone.
RACHEL: Thanks, Gloria Steinem. Don’t forget, I’ve been at this for 10 years now.
LEANNE: Wow. The only thing I’ve been doing for 10 years is drinking. Wait. Thirteen years.
RACHEL: I want to open my own place someday so I need more experience.
SUSANNE: I don’t know why you don’t go back to school, Rachel. You could have a career.
LEANNE: You mean get an MRS like you did, Susanne? How is your high-powered career going?
RACHEL: I do have a career in a very lucrative industry. People are always going to have to eat and drink.
LEANNE: And it doesn’t hurt tips to be drop-dead gorgeous, right?
RACHEL: It takes more than looks to be good at what I do.
JESSICA: Ugh, enough talk about work. This is the only weekend of the year I get to relax.
LEANNE: Bull shit. You go to Cuba every winter.
JESSICA: That’s because I get Seasonal Affective Disorder. I need more sunlight.
RACHEL: Right.
SUSANNE: You could always get a sun lamp.
JESSICA: Well, sure… Hey, I have the best story from my trip last year. This guy and girl who were staying in the same resort as me got really drunk the first night they arrived. Anyway, the guy wakes up to the sound of his bare feet slapping on pavement. He was sleepwalking and wandered off the resort. Naked.
[Various outbursts of ‘No way!’ and ‘Shut up!’ Laughter.]
SUSANNE: Off the resort? What did he do?
JESSICA: He went back to the hotel and knocked on the door to his room. His girlfriend was asleep inside, but the air conditioner was too loud for her to hear him knock. So he starts panicking, thinking she’s not there. The last thing he remembered before finding himself sleepwalking was being on the beach with her. He’s imagining that she was drugged and abducted. And remember, he’s still naked.
CHARLENE: Oh, my god. Can you imagine? It’s amazing nothing happened to him while he was off the resort.
JESSICA: So, anyway, he heads to the lobby, but he has to pass by the pool where a bunch of guys are drinking. They yell, ‘Hey Dude, you’re nude!’ and he waves and smiles at them. The lobby is empty when he gets there, but he finds the maintenance closet and there’s a janitor in there, but when the guy sees buddy is naked, he freaks. Picture it, this big tattooed Canadian guy comes up behind this little Cuban janitor. The janitor yells, ‘No!’ and the Canadian guy yells, ‘No!’
SUSANNE: That poor janitor.
JESSICA: So now, buddy, still naked, has to convince the janitor, who doesn’t speak much English, to let him into his room. He had to mime his way through an explanation of sleepwalking with no clothes on. So, he gets in the room and finds his girlfriend sleeping there, thank god. He climbs in beside her and wakes her up. ‘Honey,’ he says. ‘I just slept walked naked through the streets of Cuba and nothing bad happened to me.’ She says, ‘I’m glad you’re back,’ then rolls over and goes back to sleep.
RACHEL: That bitch!
JESSICA: She was half asleep. She was suitably freaked out the next day. The hotel staff loved them because he tipped really big after that. Then the hurricane blew through. [Stands.] I have to use the ladies’.
CHARLENE: Dinner’s ready.
[They move to the picnic table. Fade lights. Lights up outhouse. Jessica sits, chuckling to herself at her clever story.]
JESSICA: I swear it really did happen that way. I only heard about it from the maid, of course, because I was too sick to leave my room except to go to the beach in the morning. She was such a nice lady. She sat with me for twenty minutes one day and told me all about her husband and daughter. I almost forgot how bad I felt for a little while. We were getting to be really good friends until, near the end of my trip, she said, ‘A rich white lady from Canada shouldn’t feel so bad all the time. You have so much when other people have so little.’ I yelled at her and kicked her out and I didn’t see her again. I felt really bad, but it’s so hard when people don’t believe me. I’m used to doctors not believing me. Every time I present to them with weird symptoms, the first question is, ‘Any chance you could be pregnant?’ I say, ‘Absolutely not. Next question, please.’ And then they refer me to a shrink. Every time. It’s harder when regular people don’t believe me. Why would I want to be sick? It doesn’t make sense. I know something is wrong with me. Really wrong. I just can’t prove it.
[Slow fade. Music up. The phone rings. Charlene goes into the cottage. Susanne and Jessica move to sit on the dock. Rachel and Leanne sit by the fire passing a joint back and forth.]
1993: Saturday, 7pm
[Fade music. Lights up on the cottage. Charlene is on the phone.]
CHARLENE: I’m sorry, Mrs. Donahue, but the paint store doesn’t open again until Tuesday. Yes, I found the chips. The colours? Uh…they’re just great. By next weekend? Well, my hours at the grocery store are— Okay. You’re right. It should take two days at the most. If it’s done by Saturday, that’s okay? I’m not going to ask them to work on their vacation. Ben is 12 now. Yes, it would be good for him, but he has school. Thanks for understanding, Mrs. Donahue. Good. Friday, then.
[She hangs up. Through the window we see her stare at the paint chips – pink and blue – before ripping them up. Lights up on fire.]
LEANNE: [Holding up the joint.] Hey, do you guys want some of this?
CHARLENE: Yes, please.
[Charlene comes out of the cottage and moves to the fire. Lights down on the cottage and fire.]
JESSICA: In a minute.
[Lights up on the dock where Jessica and Susanne dangle their feet in the ‘water.’]
SUSANNE: Leukemia.
JESSICA: Oh, Susanne. I’m so sorry.
SUSANNE: I’m still in shock. Maybe it’s denial. That’s what everyone in the support group says. But they’re such a bunch of fucking—all wallowing in their pain, feeling sorry for themselves. I want to tell them all off, you know? Remind them that we’re all adults and can discuss things rationally, offer advice instead of all the fucking moaning. I mean, who does it help?
JESSICA: Actually, it helps a lot of people to talk about what they’re going through.
SUSANNE: But it doesn’t accomplish anything.
JESSICA: It’s so you know you’re not alone.
SUSANNE: I already know that. Look at all the made-for-T.V. movies, Oprah for Christ’s sake.
JESSICA: How is Andrew taking it?
SUSANNE: He’s a mess. I can’t talk to him. He won’t even try to keep track of all the appointments. He’s never home, always at work. Now, that’s denial. His daughter might be dying and he can’t enjoy what little time he has with her. It’s like she’s already dead to him. I try to tell him he’s going to regret it later, that he didn’t play with her while he still could, but he just gets up, kisses me on top of the head and leaves the room. I don’t know what to do.
JESSICA: He has his own process, Susanne. Making him feel guilty isn’t going to help anyone.
SUSANNE: She’s not even two years old.
JESSICA: I know. It’s not fair. What do the doctors say?
SUSANNE: You know. Treatment, hospital rooms, machines. Pathetic clowns that come to make the kids laugh.
JESSICA: At least someone makes them laugh. It gives them hope.
SUSANNE: This guy, George, his son was diagnosed almost three years ago and he’s doing just fine.
JESSICA: Good. So there is hope, Susanne.
SUSANNE: Just fine.
RACHEL: Hey, Susanne, Jessica! Come get some of this before we smoke it all.
JESSICA: [Standing.] Sure. [Helps Susanne to her feet.] Come on, you’ll feel better.
SUSANNE: I doubt it.
[They join everyone else at the fire.]
JESSICA: Are we going to Wally’s this year?
LEANNE: I don’t know. Is anyone horny?
[Everyone shrugs and makes general comments like ‘Not really,’ and ‘No, I’m good.’]
RACHEL: I could use a weekend without men.
SUSANNE: Yeah.
LEANNE: Amen to that.
[Throughout the following lines, the fire dies down and the shadows in the trees grow deeper.]
CHARLENE: How’s Caitlin doing, Susanne? Is she potty training?
SUSANNE: We haven’t started her yet.
CHARLENE: What is she now, two?
SUSANNE: Nineteen months.
CHARLENE: She’s still little.
SUSANNE: Thanks for your approval. It means a lot coming from you.
CHARLENE: Coming from me? What’s that supposed to mean?
SUSANNE: Nothing. Never mind.
CHARLENE: Is it because I’m a single mother? Is that it? My son is doomed to be a loser because I couldn’t get his father to stick around?
SUSANNE: I didn’t say that, Charlene.
CHARLENE: No, but you were thinking it.
SUSANNE: I was not.
RACHEL: Nobody thinks that, Charlene.
JESSICA: The fire is dying.
RACHEL: So throw on a log.
[Nobody moves.]
CHARLENE: I’ll get it. [She moves to the woodpile and starts gathering an armload of logs.]
LEANNE: How are you feeling these days, Jessica?
JESSICA: Like you care.
LEANNE: Fuck, I was just asking. What’s up your nose?
SUSANNE: Speaking of that, did anyone bring any drugs besides pot?
[Something rustles in the trees.]
RACHEL: What was that?
[They stare into the trees and listen intently as Charlene approaches with an armful of wood. She drops it with a loud clatter and everyone screams and jumps.]
JESSICA: Jesus!
LEANNE: Fuck, Charlene!
CHARLENE: What?
[A branch breaks in the woods. They all whirl around.]
JESSICA: What the hell was that?
RACHEL: It sounds big.
[The snapping of branches grows louder and closer. Snuffling and growling can be heard.]
CHARLENE: [Moving toward the woodpile.] Get in the cottage.
[The girls head to the cottage but are intercepted by Guy. He wears a stylized bear skin. (This one costume can make or break the show…please take care.) He is a manifestation of each girl’s fears in the form of a bear. He bends over at the waist and sways as he walks, in a Native ceremonial style. He sniffs around the barbeque, lifts his head and looks toward the fire where everyone but Charlene stands frozen.]
SUSANNE: Oh, wow, it’s a bear.
RACHEL: Holy fuck.
SUSANNE: He’s so cute.
LEANNE: Cute? Fuck me. It’s a fucking bear!
JESSICA: What do we do? What do we do?
CHARLENE: [Calmly.] Stand your ground. Look really big.
[The bear rears up and roars before executing a bluff charge. The girls scream and scatter, The bear charges into their midst. General mayhem. The fire dies down and plunges the stage into near blackout.
Music up. Loud. (The music is as important as the costume in selling this scene. The entire following sequence requires very tight choreography, sound and lighting.)
Tight spot on Rachel who stands on the dock. Guy, still wearing the bear skin, approaches her walking upright. He is a regular guy. He grabs her ass. She whirls on him, slaps his face. He grabs her wrist. With her other hand, she seductively caresses his face. He twists her wrist and slaps her with his free hand. He throws her to the ground and drops money on her. Blackout.
Tight spot up on the outhouse. Susanne rails inside. Guy, a regular guy, storms up and pounds on the door. He rattles the door handle and pounds some more. He throws up his hands and stalks away. Susanne throws open the door, but Guy is already gone. She sinks back into the outhouse and sits forlornly. Blackout.
Tight spot up on Jessica, front stage right She sits in a lawnchair. When Guy approaches, she jumps to her feet and nervously approaches him, pleading. He prods her, scribbles a note on a pad and throws a prescription at her. She crumples. Blackout.
Tight spot up on Leanne at the fire pit. Guy approaches. She stands her ground until he reaches for her. She steps back, stumbles and falls. He pounces. He wrestles her onto her back with her arms pinned above her head. With his free hand, he reaches for her waistband.
Lights up on Charlene by the picnic table. Guy is a bear again. Charlene holds an axe in one hand and a lawnchair in the other. She waves both above her head and advances on the bear.]
CHARLENE: [Shouting over the music and mayhem.] Hey, you piece of shit! Leave her alone! [The bear looks up, seeing Charlene for the first time. He gives Leanne one last nudge, then backs off a bit.] That’s right. I’m bigger than you. [The bear backs off more. Jessica runs to join Rachel on the dock.]
JESSICA: Where’s Susanne?
RACHEL: In the outhouse, I think.
SUSANNE: [Comes out of the outhouse.] What’s going on?
[Rachel and Jessica run to Susanne and embrace her. Everyone is screaming and talking over each other.]
CHARLENE: [Roaring.] Everyone shut up and stay right where you are! Leanne, very slowly, grab a stick out of the fire. [Leanne remains frozen.] Do it! [She does.] Okay, stay still, but get ready to fight. [Suddenly, Charlene, screaming and foaming at the mouth throws the lawnchair and charges at the bear with the axe. Everyone screams. Blackout. The bear roars.]
INTERMISSION