My Best Friend

Started May 20, 2010 - FInished August 16, 2010

I want this to be the best poem yet.

I see you walking down the street

And don't imagine what we'll be.

The first time you sleep at my house,

I have my neighbor sneak inside.

I have no idea that you'll be

The one to never leave my side.

So we change from friends to best friends

Since my twin brother closes off.

We spend all our time together

Talking, Laughing, Eating, Walking.

We walk around during the night

Because we don't want to go home.

We can spend two hours at Dunks

And use the few dollars we have.

You sleep over on the weekends

And we have the time of our lives.

Your fluff and sprinkles sandwiches

And my Lipton soup with elbows

Are eaten on those weekend nights.

During those early morning snacks,

We go on Facebook or just talk.

And when we get tired enough,

We have our deep talk and then sleep.

One weekend our sleepover changes.

We are talking about kissing,

And you say that you are clueless.

I say that you just need practice,

And you ask if you could kiss me.

I had been wanting to kiss you,

So I say yes, "strictly for practice."

We sit upstairs on the red couch.

I tell you that whether or not

We kiss, it's already awkward,

So we might as well just do it.

Our first kiss is a simple peck.

"We broke one barrier", you say.

"You up for breaking another?"

I ask and lean in to kiss you.

You have such passionate kisses

And as I kiss you, I smile.

Nothing has ever felt as right

As us two lying on my couch

Kissing, with my hands on your face

And your arms holding me tightly.

You don't believe that I like you.

You say that you have liked me since

The second time you slept over,

Which was about two years ago.

You wonder why I like you back;

I tell you everything I feel.

You say that I'm too good for you.

You tell me I'm out of your league.

Things go well with us for a bit

Until other girls interfere.

"I'm just confused," you say to me

Pretty much every single day.

I stick around for a while

Still holding you and kissing you,

But you go off with other girls.

"I'm not trying to get with them"

Is what you tell me all the time.

You stay with me in Marlboro

During the hockey tournament.

We lie down on the pull out couch

And start kissing and you want to

Go farther, but I'm not ready,

Or at least that's what I say then.

We take it to the next step and

Then we go even farther and

I take your virginity there

In room four hundred forty-nine.

I had said "You would want to lose

Your virginity to me?" and

You said "Yes" without a problem.

I make a mistake that weekend.

You were still at the hockey rink

And I was in room four four four

With diet coke and tequila.

I have no clue how I get in

The situation I get in,

And I don't know why I do it,

But I go off with someone else.

I don't tell you at first because

I don't want you to be mad and

I know that I did the wrong thing.

I remember that he and I

Did not use any protection,

And then I start the worrying.

I remember that I need to

Tell you the mistake I had made

Because you deserve to know it.

Somehow you are not mad at me.

I mean, I do apologize

Because I really feel like shit,

But I expect you to be mad.

"Well how do you think that made me

Feel? That was my virginity,"

Is what you have to say to me.

I fight hard to show you that I

Really do still care about you.

Things are better for a while.

We both move past my big mistake.

After some time, things start to change

Again, but not for the better.

You start to treat me differently.

We get in our very first fight

After all those times that I said

I could never stay mad at you.

If I like you and you like me

Why are you going off with these

Other girls? Do they make you

Happy? I really do like you,

And everything I say I mean.

But I bet you don't still like me.

We had sex but I bet that it

Didn't mean shit to you, I say.

"It did mean shit to me," You say.

"And I'm not trying to get with

Anyone right now, I just have

So much going on in my life."

"So do I!" I say. "I fucking

Go to therapy for it, like

You don't even understand!" And

Then it gets to the point where I

Do not want to make you more mad,

And I am sick of arguing.

I closed our fight by saying that

I think I am just afraid to

Lose you as my best friend, because

I know I couldn't handle that.

You go for a while being

A jerk to mostly everyone,

And once some people walk away,

You realize you want me to stay.

You say sorry for being mean.

Everything seems back to normal,

But soon after, it gets much worse.

You start lying and still talk to

All those other girls, and my

Friends tell me I don't deserve this,

But I know that I can't leave you.

Our friends talk to you and say that

You need to make a decision-

It's either me or the others,

Either we are friends or we're more,

We can't stick with the "in between".

You say you want to be with me

But just not yet, which makes no sense.

My friends and I hypothesize

That you are scared and you know that

I will always be here for you.

We think you want to look around

And make sure that you do not like

Someone other than me, and that

There is no one better out there

Because then you know that you can

Come back to me when you're ready

And I will have been here waiting.

And even though that doesn't seem too

Terrible, I can not wait through

Everything. I don't deserve that.

You say you are sorry, and then

We go back to being just friends.

But you are still a pain.

You will be nice to me and then

You'll randomly be mean to me.

You'll act like you did nothing wrong,

I just keep getting more confused.

You talk shit behind all our backs,

None of us know what to believe.

I hear that you called me clingy

And when I ask you about it,

You say that you were just angry.

Whenever I want to have a

Conversation about something

You always think that I am just

Trying to pick a fight with you

When of course that is not the case.

I just want to talk, and I want

Honesty. That's all I ask for.

Then one night you call me and say

That there's something that I don't know.

"You have to swear that you won't tell

A soul, no one else knows all this."

"I swear I won't tell anyone."

I look high all the time because

I'm addicted to percs

"That's so sad."

"Yeah whatever, I hope I die from it"

"Why do you think I always get nosebleeds?"

You've never really seen me angry before

I lost in a video game so I broke a glass table.

I got mad and punched a hole in my wall.

"Teachers can legally pin me against the wall because I'm 'a threat to the school'"

"My mom isn't on the dean's speed dial because I'm always in trouble, she's on it in case something happens."

"I hear voices in my head

Telling me to kill myself."

"I really did go to meetings for suicide,

And it wasn't a joke."

I remember the time in room 449

When we were kissing and your nose started to bleed

So you cleaned it up but I wouldn't kiss you again

Because there had just been blood there.

Now I know why your nose was bleeding.

I cry because you didn't call me back,

You snort percs because you're hearing voices

inside your head

telling you to kill yourself.

"So do you still like me?" You ask

After you had shared everything.

"Yes," I say, and you ask me "How?"

"How would that stop me from liking

You? I know I will always like

You, it's just the way that I feel."

You're nice to me again for a few days

And I like that you are back to normal.

But of course you end up changing back to

The other You that I don't understand.

You ask out one of the girls you like

And we all bet on how long you will last

And you two stay together for a month.

While you are dating her, you ask me if

I would hook up with you, and I say that

I would, but we do not do anything

About it, and I am glad that we don't,

Because I would have lost respect for both

Myself and you, and at this point, I don't

Have enough strength in me to lose respect.

My childhood best friend Elizabeth

Finally starts hanging around with

Me again because she lost her loser

Boyfriend who let her do nothing at all.

So now she is coming around a lot

And you and her start to develop a

Friendship, and awfully fast for that matter.

She tells me everything that you tell her:

"Okay first of all, he brought you up first

And he was like 'I don't know if I should

Have picked her, I think it is because we

Already did everything and there is

Nothing else to do'" She tells me you said.

She knows how to help in situations;

She says to you "Yeah, you guys had sex, but

There is much more to a relationship

Than that." And you reply that the only

Reason that you think you didn't pick me

Is because I would be "A jealous and

Over-protective girlfriend", to which

Elizabeth says that I wouldn't, but

"The only reason she would worry a

Little is because she saw the shit you

Did behind your last girlfriend's back, like the

Shit-talking and everything, and she would

Never want you to do that to her." She

said "You're never going to find someone

That cares about you like she does." And you

Were like, "I know, but I would be scared that

We would break up and we wouldn't be friends,

Because then I don't know what I would do."

She told me that it was an amazing

Conversation. "He really does care for

You, I know it gets hard sometimes when his

Feelings are hidden, but please don't forget

It, 'cause I see the way he talks about

You. He was like 'The only people in

This world that I would go far lengths to be

With are you, her, and her brother,'" She says.

I lock those messages and I save them

Forever, for when I need to smile.

But these other girls, they don't go away.

You told me you had sex with others,

And I don't know if I should believe you.

At least I still have your virginity.

We keep having sex, and to me it means

Something, because I actually like you.

I don't think it means anything to you

I think you are just using me for sex.

I know I should stop, but I don't want to.

I get tired of waiting around for

You. You know how much I care about you.

You can't see what's right in front of your face.

But I still find it too hard to let go.

Then you get worse and worse

And become someone I don't

Even know,

Someone I don't

Even recognize.

Our friends are sick of you,

I am sick of you,

I just want the old you back.

I just want to be best friends with you again.

I don't care about being anything more, I just want my best friend back.

We tell you over and over again that we are done with this bullshit,

That we aren't going to sit here and wait around for you to put effort into our friendship

When you don't seem to care either way.

You always say that you'll change back but you don't.

You ask why everyone is ganging up on you, when everyone else can be a jerk once in a while.

I tell you that it's because when we tell that person that they have changed or

Became a jerk, they change back and try to help the situation-

You don't do shit.

You think we all hate you

Yet I tell you over and over again that I don't hate you,

I just want you to show that you care.

You say you will but you never do,

And after a while, after everyone else seems to be over it,

I finally get to the point where I've moved on.

I'm not going to sit around and wait for you anymore,

Because it hurts too much, and you don't deserve to have me waiting.

I know that if you ever come back to me,

I will still be here.

I'll have to forgive you for a lot of things,

But I can't just walk away forever-

I love you.

I've moved on, but I'll never be over you.

About two days after I finally moved on,

You call.

"Do you hate me?" You ask me for what seems

Like the thousandth time. "No, I told you that

I don't hate you like ten times already."

"A'Starra told me that you hate me, though."

"Why would you believe A'Starra?" I ask.

"You could have just asked me if A'Starra

Was telling the truth or not and I would

Have been completely honest," I tell you.

You tell me that you want to be friends with

Me. You say that you have missed everything.

You miss hanging out with Cory, Dennis,

And me every day. You say that we are

Your only true friends, along with Jimmy.

I am glad you finally came around.

I know this time you are being honest.

You want to hang out with me and I know

That it will actually happen this time.

I tell you that when we hang out I have

Much more fun then when I hang out with the

People I have been with lately. You say

That you love how we can have fun when there

Is nothing to do. Then we talk about

Elizabeth. I say that I don't like

How she acts like she and you have been best

Friends, how she acts like she understands how

I feel. She acts like you were her best friend

Too, even though she had just met you. She

didn't even meet the You that was my

Best friend. You tell me that you would be friends

With her, but not best friends because she seemed

To cause drama in your life. You say you

Will be aquaintances with her. But you

Want to be close to me again. I really

can't believe that you came around, and I

Am so happy that you did, because I

Really missed having my best friend around.

We do hang out, and I have more fun than

I have had in a long time. You tell me

That you love me. I say I love you, too.

But you are just not ready. I know we

Need to stay just friends, because we need to

Work on our friendship together, and you

Have a lot going on in your life. Now

Is not the time for a relationship

With each other. But looking at you, I

Get this feeling...Like you're perfect. I know

I still love you. I know I will always

Love you. I know you've always felt something

For me. I think of everything we've gone

Through together, of how after all this,

You still came back because you really do

Care. I think of all the memories we

Have together, and all the memories

We can make. Maybe one day it will work

Out. Maybe one day we'll be together.

For now, we are friends, which is good enough

For me. I have you in my life, which is

All that I have ever really needed.