Michelle's POV
Nothing felt more painful than sitting on a chair in front of a mirror, glaring at your reflection, a reflection you once considered strong, brave, adventurous, loving. But then one day, you sit down in that chair and you no longer see those things, instead; you see someone you've tried countless times to bury deep.
Someone you were ashamed of, someone who made you weak, gullible, naive. Someone who was the worse part of you. And as you sit there staring back at that someone you wanted nothing more than to climb into that mirror and strangle them.
Strangle the weakest parts of you because with it came pain; pain you couldn't handle. As I sat there, my hands slowly trailing down the dark bags under my eyes I wanted nothing more than to extend my hand into that mirror and strangle the broken girl staring back at me.
I was at square one, all over again. All the progress that I had over the past few months was now drained down the drain. Is this what I get for opening my heart up to someone that isn't meant for me? Someone- a certain type of person who I was always warned was bad for me?
Is this what I get for being stubborn? If it is then I deserve it because I never learn my lesson, not with Kaleb, Deborah and now Mason.
Mason, I haven't seen Mason in weeks and at this point, I no longer cared if he was okay. I don't care why he did it, why he said what he said because if he truly knew me he knows that I could have handled whatever it was that was going on.
But instead, he broke me, shattered what was left of my heart and I don't know how soon I could forgive him. At first, I didn't leave my room, I couldn't. I stayed in bed, wallowing in my own despair under my comforter. Until my parents and literally everyone in my life had enough.
Tristan, Sebastian and Sasha forced me out of bed, it took some convincing and a lot of shed tears and angry outbursts but in the end, they convinced me to come back to school, especially since exams are around the corner.
Right now it was about five am which meant I had ample time before I have to get ready for school. So I decided to do something I never thought I'd do. I decided to dye my hair because what's growth if a girl doesn't change her appearance?
I'm kidding, of course, it's not mandatory in growth but I'm tired of looking at my blonde hair, it makes me feel weak.
I sauntered into the bathroom and retrieved my pair of scissors from the cabinet along with a box of hair dye. It was my mom's hair dye but I took it from her room a few months ago to dye my hair but I backed out last minute. Now I was finally going to do it.
I opened the box and peered down at it, a heavy sigh escaping my lips as I brought the bottle up to my eyes, "new hair, new me."
•••
"Good morning sweetheart, how are you f-" my mother paused as her eyes zoned in on my hair and she parted her lips in shock, her hands slapping over her mouth, "is that my hair dye?" She asked first and I shrugged my shoulders nonchalantly as I sauntered towards Tristan who was sat at the table, peering up at me, equally as shocked as my mother.
"Yeah, I thought I'd try something new, do you guys like it?" I asked. Tristan's lips tugged upwards into a smile, "if it makes you happy then I like it," he said. I ruffled his hair playfully and lowered myself down beside him, returning a smile to him, "thanks, Trist."
"I like it, it's new and bold but like Tristan said, if it makes you happy well there's nothing I could say that'll change it." She exclaimed as she lowered a plate of pancakes down onto the table before me. I immediately dug into my breakfast, momentarily forgetting what food tasted like.
I refused to eat anything for a full week after Mason and I broke up. Not because I wanted to starve myself or anything, I just didn't have an appetite. It was as if the memory of how food tasted was erased from my mind until I started eating again.
I was basically living off of water and that was enough for me.
"Can I drive you to school this morning?" Tristan inquired. I tilted my head towards him, "nothing holding us back now is it?" I said and for a moment I felt a slight sting in my chest, I just reminded myself that Mason wasn't here anymore.
I don't know if he moved back to Canada, if he's back in his old neighbourhood or if he's staying with Kaden. But after we broke up I haven't seen him here nor at school. I know I said I didn't care if he was okay but I still loved him and I obviously care deeply for him.
I don't actually want him dead, or gone. I just want to forget about him, forget about us.
After eating, I bid my mom goodbye and Tristan and I left the house and made our way towards his car. Before we could get there however he stopped me, his hands encircled around mine and he tugged me backwards, halting me in my footsteps.
"Hey, Elle, are you okay? Talk to me, before all of this shit happened we use to tell each other everything, now it feels like we're only friends. . .not best friends and honestly it kills me to see you hurting and it kills me to not know how much," He exclaimed.
"I'm sorry, Tristan. I pushed you away when Mason came around and that was wrong of me, prioritizing my boyfriend over you, someone who's been there for me since my childhood. You deserve to be best friends with someone who knows when to make time for you."
He sighed deeply and shook his head, his eyes softening as he peered down at me, probably wondering what the hell I was spurting out.
"Michelle, I've been in love, okay? And I prioritized her over everyone else and you know something? I don't regret it because she was kind of worth it. So don't apologize for wanting to be with Mason, we have forever and you guys didn't know how long you had,"
"You were in love huh?" I chuckled softly. He nodded his head and smiled sadly as he scratched the nape of his neck somewhat nervously, "yeah, I was. I'm not anymore you know, it's just that love is complicated and I learnt to let go of it and focus on what really matters, my future. You should do that too," he said.
I lowered my gaze down onto the ground and nodded my head in understanding. Of course, I knew what I had to focus on, but right now I don't even know what I want in the future. I never had plans, I don't have a dream career, I'm a freaking mess.
All because I put things that didn't matter above myself.
And on top of that, I was too preoccupied with the destructive love Kaleb and I had, then Deborah's death came around and then Mason waltz into my life, bringing more chaos into it. How could I focus on what really mattered when I was surrounded by havoc, unable to concentrate on realistic things?
"Just think about that, please Michelle. I want what's best for you. But I can't make choices for you, I can only push you in a certain direction. It's your choice what you want to do in the future and with who. I just hope you choose what you think is best for you, but it would crush me if it's something that can hurt you all over again."
With that, he strolled towards his car outside the gates and slipped in, waiting for me to follow.
On our way to school, I let his words register in my mind. And knowing me, I was the type of person to choose the destructive path just because I was incapable of handling normal. I always wanted danger, adventure, a thrill, but they were always accompanied by pain.
And no matter how much pain I've endured I always went back to something toxic because it was like my own drug, I was addicted to chaos and abnormality and I didn't know why. There was just this dark side of me that I always knew lingered in me from a young age.
And whenever I'm around people like Kaleb or Mason it's like a magnetic pull, luring the darkness to the surface, and . . .I liked it; the thrill of being able to do what I want without thinking of the consequences, whether they affect me or the people around me.
And I knew it.
I knew I was addicted to toxicity and one day, if I don't fix it and let that dark side of me be dormant, it will be the death of me.
•••
"You okay? You look lost in your own thoughts, what are you thinking about?" Sebastian asked as he assessed my face carefully. I flickered my eyes towards him and tried to hold back my frustration. I know my friends care about me and want what's best for me but I was tired of everyone asking me if I was okay.
I'm not, and I don't know when I'll be. But constantly being asked if I was, was kind of like resetting my mind, putting me back to square one in my acceptance phase. "I'm fine, Sebastian. I just have a lot on my mind."
"Well you know you can talk to us, I owe you one, especially after Kaden," Sasha said as she dug into her ice cream, her eyes penetrating through mine. "You don't owe me anything and if I need to talk I will, but I don't."
I peered down at my watch and frowned when I realized what time it was. After school, we came to the mall, apparently for Sasha to shop for new clothes but I knew deep down it was to cheer me up. They make it too obvious that they're worried and want to do everything to make me happy so they couldn't fool me.
We've been here for hours and it was already past six and dark outside. I wanted nothing more than to go home and climb under my duvet and sleep. But these guys were keeping me here. I just need to be alone for a while, "I think I'm gonna head home, guys."
"Yeah, same. My mom is coming to pick me up, we have somewhere to be in a while. We can wait and give you guys a ride, what do you think?" She inquired. "Yeah I could use a ride," Sebastian exclaimed before they both turned to face me expectantly.
"Tristan is picking me up, I already texted him so I'm gonna leave now," I said as I rose up from the chair, hoping that they couldn't tell I was lying. Truthfully, I was walking home. I wanted some alone time to just think, feel the cold night breeze on my skin, get away for a while.
I didn't want to be cooped up with people and I didn't know how to tell them that after all they've done for me these past few weeks.
"Okay, text us when you get home so we know you're safe, okay? We love you," Sebastian exclaimed as he flashed me a sad smile. "Love you guys too, bye." I waved them both and sauntered out of the ice cream shop and down the escalator leading to the front doors.
When I finally got outside I sucked in a harsh breath, and that stifling feeling I felt moments ago had subsided and it was as if I could finally- really breathe. I tightened the straps of my bag onto my back and started down the streets, away from the mall.
I know it was crazy for me to walk all alone at night, especially in my school uniform but I didn't care. I've done this countless times and plus if I get attacked I can hold myself in a fight.
A few minutes down the line, walking silently, I noticed a black limo a few feet away from me, parked on the curb. At first, I thought nothing of it, but realized around this place was mostly small stores, what was a limo doing around here, a not so busy part of town?
I ignored it and continued my trek down the streets until I heard the slam of a door and footsteps behind me. I picked up my pace, suddenly feeling conscious of whoever was behind me until I heard my name.
Or at least. . .until I heard that nickname.
"Hey cupcake."