I don't know which pain was worse, the sun shining right in my eyes or the pain from crying for hours last night. Regardless I threw a pillow over my face just to briefly stop the pain without a second thought. When I felt a pair of arms wrap around me making my anxiety swell up against my chest. Repeatedly I had to remind myself that Kyle was in the past, and Quintin was who I shared a bed with.
"You feel tense again, did you have another nightmare?"
"Yes. I'm sorry for waking you, I know you must be tired still."
"Not really, I was just waiting for you to wake up before I got breakfast started."
"That's sweet, but you didn't have to wait for me to wake up to cook breakfast."
"I know, it's just I don't want you to wake up alone especially after last night. I wanted to be here for you when you woke up." He said, then he kissed my forehead and lips before putting on some clothes.
"I'm going to take a shower while you cook."
"Breakfast should be ready before your done. Do you want anything specific?"
"No. Anything will do." Once he finally left out to go to the kitchen, I let the bathroom steam up before I finally went in. It needed to be as hot as possible, so I can wash this disgusting feeling off me. It felt like my skin was burning, but it also felt sorta good which was weird and scary.
How many more months are you going to push off going to therapy? Do you want to get better or do you feel like you deserved that kind of torture? It's like you still hate yourself. Quintin won't judge you or treat you the same way. Eventually your going to have to heal. You don't have to do it now, healing takes time.
The little voice of reason in my head was right. I've been pushing off therapy too long, and the longer I wait the worse my condition is going to get. My PTSD has been getting worse and worse. And Quintin has been so helpful throughout this entire year, it's time for me to open up to him a bit.
The longer I stayed in the shower the deeper I thought about telling him some of the truth. I would tell him everything, but that might over load him too much. It's been an entire year and not once has he shown me red flags. I've seen this man angry and not once had he blacken out or snapped mentally. He's not perfect though. Nobody wants a perfect man. He has his flaws like everybody else, just not toxic flaws. Some people may think a year isn't enough time to get to know someone, that's true for some, just not in my case. I can't hold Kyle's actions over his head like he was the one to cause me this pain I have in my heart, and these marks that still scar my body.
The thought of that made my chest hurt. I forgot about the marks that covers part of my back. Maybe I do want to hold off on telling him everything. No. I refuse to back out now. If he can accept the hard truth about the way my life was before I met him than he can accept the scars on my body.
Finally I had made up my mind. I was going to tell him half now and half later on when I allow the rest to set in. A beautiful yellow dress was set on the bed along with a pair of heels.
Quintin was beyond sweet for this surprise. He must've remembered that my favorite color is yellow.
Without hesitation I went through the process of doing my hair before putting on the dress and adding a bit more accessories to keep myself from looking bland. Soon he called my name from the kitchen for breakfast.
I don't know why, but my heart was beating out of my chest. Anxiety was like my personal self sabotage.
"You look beautiful, I hope you enjoy breakfast." My response was caught in my throat as I looked at him. The yellow of his shirt made his eyes pop. His smile was heaven sent, I was speechless.
"You look beautiful."
"It's the first time I've been called beautiful before." He was blushing hard. It was weird to me. The only some I seen a man red was from anger, he looked so innocent.
Our eyes locked for the first time since I met him. It felt like every emotion was filling me. I didn't exhale until we forced ourselves to look away. Is this what love feels like?
Thankfully my stomach interrupted my inner monologue. For once my hunger saved me.
"We should probably eat before the food gets too cold." He nodded with a soft smile.
Breakfast was always delicious, but something made it seem like a difference experience. Maybe it was the way we were dressed or the fact that we couldn't keep our eyes off of each other, but something about it felt magical.
"So, what are we dressed up for?"
"Apparently Sayy's parents are renewing their vows and calling off the divorce. She just found out this morning and asked for us to come so she won't be alone."
"How does she feel about them getting back together? I know this has to be stressful for her."
"She's scared that the judge is going to make her move back in with them. What makes it worse is that it might actually happen. I don't want her to have to go through that huge transition like that. It'll damage her."
"Do you plan on talking to the judge? No child should have to live somewhere their not comfortable." I covered my mouth as my voice cracked momentarily. "Sorry my throat must be dry or something."
"I have a meeting with the judge Monday. I just hope he takes inconsideration of her feelings."
Quintin voice had a saddened undertone to it, he really did love Sayyora and the thought of losing her would definitely destroy him. Hopefully he'll win full custody of her. We spent the rest of breakfast engaged in small conversation until he got a call.
"Do you have everything you need? Apparently they want us to help set up."
"I just need to grab my purse and charger." He nodded and he grabbed his as well before we headed out for a very long drive.
The venue was magnificent. Hummingbirds and butterflies made it look even more magical. The trees were decorated with beautiful ribbons while the grass looked emerald green. I haven't seen something this beautiful since I went to the butterfly garden once a few years ago.
Suddenly I felt a pair of hands around my waist making me jump slightly. "I'm sorry Nova, I didn't mean to startle you. Sayyora wants you to help her with her hair before the wedding starts. Also, her mother wants to meet you."
"Okay, where are they?"
"Their upstairs, turn right and it's the last door on the left. If you need me I'll be downstairs near the garden."
I helped Sayyora curl her hair while giving her a pep talk. She looked saddened by the entire situation. Apparently she didn't want her parents to get remarried since she knew that they might get custody of her again and she didn't want to leave Quintin. It made me sad to hear her sound so hurt.
Soon we were interrupted by a knock on the door. It was Sayyora's mom. She looked beautiful in her wedding dress, her hair perfectly curled; Sayyora was virtually her twin. Besides the eye color she got from her father.
"You must be Nova. I've heard a lot about you from Quintin. I'm Nicole." The look on frustration was on her face. I know it has to be weird to be getting remarried to somebody you were just divorcing and in a deep custody battle.
"Are you happy that we'll be a family again Sayyora?"
"No, Not really. I prefer you two to be divorced, to be honest." Her mother looked pissed.
"We're doing this for you! You've always been an ungrateful brat."
"And you've always been a bitter woman. Isn't it bad luck to be this upset on your wedding?"
Nicole went from being pissed, to being furious. I never thought Sayyora would be this cold towards her mother. I don't know weather to speak up or just mind my business, either way, it wasn't going to be sunshine and rainbows between them.
"Um, do you need help with anything?"
"Yes, I need another bridesmaid, my friend bailed on me at the last minute."
Her request caught me off guard. Why doesn't she have a back up just in case? This is just unorthodox.
"I'd feel out of place if I accepted that position in such an important ceremony. It'll be weird for a stranger to take such an important role in your wedding."
"It's ok sweetie, nothing about this family is traditional. You have the look and shape for it, I'll bring it in then help you change."
Without another word she left. What the hell did I get myself into?
"Has she always been that... Cold?"
"Yup, it's been that way since I was born."
I never understood a mother being jealous of her daughter, it always made me sick to my stomach that someone could be that insecure.
Moments later Nicole walked back in holding the dress, her eyes burning into her daughter who hadn't left like she hoped. "Shouldn't you be sitting with the guest?"
Sayyora looked like she was trying her hardest not to roll her eyes before getting up and leaving the room.
"I apologize for my daughter's attitude, I don't know what drives her to act like that. It's probably from her father side." This woman is full of delusions. How doesn't she realize she's been passive aggressive to Sayyora this entire time.
The wedding didn't have a lot of people, it was a nice size of guest attending. Some were dressed up, others were dressed down. Besides the clash of people, the wedding was still beautiful. The scenery was just beautiful, it would be breathtaking if it wasn't so much tension in the air.
Quintin looked amazing in his suit. The combination of flowers and butterflies made him look even more angelic. My eyes couldn't leave off him until the music started playing. Everyone turned to look at Nicole and a man who must be her father or Quintin's walk her down the isle. Everything about her dress was just breathtaking. From how it fit her body perfectly, down to the design and craftsmanship of it.
The ceremony was short and sweet, it seemed like they were rushing towards the reception though. Shortly after they said I do, everybody was rushed into the dining hall where it was an open bar and appetizers already out. Seems like the only kid here was Sayy, I doubt she's the only child left in the family.
"It seems like your the only kid here, you should have some cousins at least."
"Their all somewhere else, I was so privileged to be invited to such a joyous celebration. Since I'm going to be the star of my mother's side of the family."
I honestly didn't know what to say to that. Instead I asked where Quintin was, she quickly informed me that he was with his brother and grooms men by the backdoor. I felt small weaving through the crowd of people, still not feeling like I belonged here, silently being judged by strangers. Regret was filling the back of my mind.
Thankfully, the presence of Quintin brought me relief. His joyous smiled mirrored mine as we shared gazes.
"She's who I was telling you all about, Nova, this is my brother Adam, our cousins, Liam and Sam."
"It's nice to meet you all, I've heard great things about everyone."
Their smiles were warm and welcoming. They gave off a vibe different than the rest of the wedding party.
"So how was your first time meeting Nicole?" Adam asked, his tone changed swiftly.
"Intense... Awkward.... Just wow-" I was being honest, but felt so judgemental afterwards since I barely know her. "No offense! I just didn't get much time to get to know her, hopefully I didn't sound-"
"Call down Nova, it's fine. We all been telling this idiot to leave her years ago. Besides her control issues, insecurities, and selfishness, we don't understand what he sees in her. I assumed his second wedding would be to someone who cares about him, but obviously he failed once again." Liam laughed softly, shaking his head at his cousins rash decision.
Adam scuffed. "Your the dumbass who introduced us in high school! Besides she was different back then. I don't know what happened, she just lost herself some how. I also did this for Sayyora. She needs some stability in her life. In a few years she'll be grown and I don't want her thinking her parents didn't care enough to stay together just a while longer."
"Did you at least ask Sayy how she felt about it before you made this decision? You can't be the only to see how Nicole and her bicker back and forth with each other? Half the time they're at each others throat's. I just think this was a bad move for her." Quintin looked into his empty shot glass, with a glim of disappointment in his eyes.
"You're only saying that because you want to keep her. Have your own child, you won't be raising mine. Sorry to burst your little bubble of hope Quintin." Nicole snarled at them, interrupting the conversation. Her icy glare scanning them all. It seems like she arrived at the end of Quintin speaking. Softly, I signed in relief.
"Let's not start Nicole. You said Sayyora didn't mind and was happy about hearing the news. She's been distant from us this entire time or on her phone."
"She's a child. Children do those things Adam. What do you want me to do? Pass her a drink to loosen her up some?"
What the hell is happening?
"Um, I'm going to find Sayyora. Do you know where she would be at Quintin?"
"I might have an idea. I'll help you look for her. I still have her purse."
It didn't take us long to find her, she was hanging around the appetizer table with a plate full of food. " I thought you both got lost or left me here."
"You know we wouldn't leave you. Is the appetizers any good?"
"Meh, it's a hit and miss for some. But for the most part their edible. You know my 'mother' isn't so choosy about what she eats. I'm just ready for this day to be over."
"Sayyora, did your mother talk to you about them getting remarried?" Quintin asked without hesitation.
"No, they didn't say anything to me about it until two days ago. She already had my dressed picked out and everything. I never had a chance to not agree to it nor voice my opinion. Why? Did she lie and say I agreed to it? I was the one who found the divorce lawyers for them! Can we just go. I'm tired and don't have the energy to deal with this fake ceremony."
"We can leave soon, I just don't want your mother to yell my ear off."
Sayyora looked in disgust, "Screw her. I want to go now! I can't handle all this fake bullshit. The fake love, emotions, caring, etc. It's all bullshit!"
"What's bullshit is your disgusting attitude. You always have to be the center of attention, even at your own mother's expense. For one day, could you not be a fuck up and make me miserable!"
Is she serious? "Nicole, maybe you should calm down. Speaking to Sayyora in that way isn't going to do anything, but make her hate you. All she wants for you to do is acknowledge her feelings and treat her with some type of respect. Can't you see how your words hurt her?" I pray this women isn't dense. Obviously Sayyora is trying hard to be happy for her, despite how neglected she is.
"No disrespect Nova, but please stay out of this. You don't understand how much I go through with her. No matter how hard I try, she always finds a reason to complain or act like I'm treating her wrong. She's a wanna be problem child, all these delusional problems she claims she has are false. I've done everything to make her happy and she remains ungrateful."
"You don't even know me! How dare you pretend like you've ever been a parent to me? Not once have you attempted to get to know me. You don't know my best friends names, their parents names or even their birthdays. Never have you attended a meeting or gone to any of my events. You, Nicole, don't know a damn thing about me! You are a negligent girl who should've never been allowed to have a child. Let alone, a daughter, who you envy. Can you please take me home now."
"Can you just stay a moment longer sweetie? I understand how frustrated you are, but I at least want to spend some of this day with you." Adam pleaded with her.
"I can't, this feels like the worse migraine I've had in years. I'm sorry dad." She turned her back to walk away.
"Sayyora, I'm sure we can stay five minutes longer. Besides we have to stay so Quintin, can give his speech." I didn't want her relationship with her father to suffer like mines did. He's trying hard to build a bond with her.
"...Fine, I'll stay for an hour, after that we're leaving or I'm leaving."
*******
Once the hour was up Quintin asked Sayyora if she still wanted to leave; She declined with a slight smirk. Seeing her spend time with her father made my chest tighten a bit. I haven't seen nor contacted my father since the day he left with my brother.
I missed them both and feared that they might've assumed the worst has happened to me. Sadly, the only person who has their information is the woman who gave birth to me.
"Are you ok? You look pale?" Adam expression filled with concern.
"Y-yes... I'm fine. Just got caught up in my own thoughts. It seems like everybody is leaving, do you know where Quintin is?"
"He's helping the crew pack up a few plates for everybody. I can take you there if you want,"
"No. It's fine, I'm sure Nicole is waiting for you somewhere."
"You know, my brother is lucky to have found someone like you," Instantly my cheeks became a soft pink. It may seem like Quintin's lucky, but honestly, who wants to deal with someone who is constantly on guard all the time?
"I disagree, he could do much better. It's too many problems that accompany me. He'd probably be better off without me, to be perfectly honest with you." Without another word, I walked off to find Quintin.
It was a mistake not to have Adam show me where Quintin was. My feet were killing me. Then the thought of calling him popped in my mind; why hadn't I done this in the first place. But to my surprise, my phone started to ring. Too tired to take the time to check the number I answered.
"Hello? Quintin where are you?"
"So you've found someone named Quintin to pitty you, how comical. It's been a year hasn't it Olivia. It took a while, but I've finally found my sneaky little humming bird. Why aren't you speaking? Cat got your tongue,"
"H-how did you get this number... Just leave me alone... Please."
"Ok, all you had to say was please, I'll leave you alone... I'm joking. When I finally get my hands on you, you'll feel all my fury. Goodbye, for now my wounded bird. Don't forget, I'll always be watching, also you look great in yellow."
The other end went silent. He had finally hung up, now I'm on edge again. Paranoia struck me like a car. How does he know I'm wearing yellow? I didn't let anyone take pictures of me, I never took any of my own.
My mind went into shock. Every emotion I've repressed for an entire year had slowly unraveled. The need to run and hide amplified. I needed a quick escape before I fall apart. Not here.
Running out the nearest exit, ending up in the garden which was now slightly foggy caused by the humanity. It felt secluded enough to fall apart, so I did.
I wept for what felt like forever, until I felt a pair of hands touch my shoulder. As a reflex I backed away pleading softly to be left alone and forgiven. Kyle must've finally found me.
"Nova did something happen?" Quintin's held me tightly against his chest while rubbing my back to console me. He must pity me a lot to constantly put up with my problems. I'm nothing but a bother to him and Sayyora.
" No, nothing happened. Well something did happen, nobody here did anything though. I'll explain it all once we get back. I'm sure Sayyora is tired by now."
"She's already waiting in the car. She was worried about you."
"I'm sorry, we can go now."
The car ride was quiet, even though I knew it was safe to be around Quintin, I still feared that Kyle would be lurking around somewhere.
11:37 was the time we got in, Sayyora was completely exhausted so he carried her to bed instead of waking her. After he made sure she was tucked in, he'd ran me a bath shortly after. "Do you want to talk about it?" His tone was very sympathetic.
"Yes, before the bath though."
"Do you need help out of the dress?"
"Yes, but please wait until we finish our talk."
He nodded and sat beside me, his gaze seemed to search for what I was thinking. For a few moments we sat in silence, neither of us knew what to say or how to start this discussion. Surprisingly he decided to break the tension.
"Are you ok? You seem distant and guarded. More than you'd usually be. Please tell me what's wrong Nova."
"I received a phone call earlier, someone from my past found a way to contact me, it put me into a mental shock,"
"Was it the guy who sent the goon after you?" I nodded slowly, talking about Kyle for the first time makes me nervous. What if I run him off?
"What did he say?"
"That when he finds me... I'll feel all his fury. Then he hung up."
"It's been a year and he's still threatening you, he must be a sick individual. Is he why you won't let me get near you and wake up crying at night?"
"... Partially,"
"Who else has hurt you? I apologise if I'm being invasive, but I want you to feel safe with me, completely."
"There were a few others who had hurt me in the past, but I doubt they care if I'm even alive so I'm not worried about them."
"I see, I won't interrupt you again. Please continue."
Taking a deep breathing, I mentally prepared myself to unload everything I've pent up inside my mind. "He was the one to take me in when I was escaping from something else. He cared for me, fed me, bought me clothes and did everything I'd been deprived of doing for myself at the time. Everything was going great and I felt loved up until... One moment he just snapped and turned into someone who I didn't recognize. It started off as light insults. Then he started degrading me, calling me worthless, a whore and other things I'm not comfortable with saying. Sometimes he would starve me and I'd be rewarded with crumbs. Suddenly everything escalated one night when I talked back."
I closed my eyes as my throat started to burn a bit. This isn't the time to cry Olivia. You can do that later. "That was the first time he had hit me. He always did damage control afterwards, but never wanted to better himself, he just got worse. Within three months he was beating me with belts, canes, his fist and when he really wanted to hurt me, he'd whip me until the skin on my back bled. That wasn't the worst part. I became numb to all that, until the day he invited his bestfriend to join in on beating me. They used to joke about taking turns on me one day. He knew that it was one of my fears. Some nights he'd pretend to force himself on me just to hear my cries. I endured that for years up, until I finally got away with the help of someone I keep in contact now. I wouldn't consider him a sadist though, he was a worse than any demon could hope to be."
Quintin didn't speak. He hadn't moved one either. He just starred at me. This was a mistake, I knew it would be.
"You must be disgusted with me. I'll just leave, I'm sure Kayla is still woke." As I stood up to walk away he grabbed my hand startling me a bit.
The desperation in his voice will forever echo in my mind. "Please don't go... I just want to hold you." That caught me off guard completely. No one has ever asked to hold me before.
"Is that it? You just want to hold me..."
"Please let me console you. You look like you need to cry, let me by here for you."
"... Ok."
I allowed him to bring me into his arms, his body against mines made my chest swell. He was right, I did need to cry. Quintin embracing me was all I needed to finally let go. "Cry as much as you need to."
And I did. It felt like I was crying for hours until I finally stopped. "Do you feel better?" Looking up to him, his shirt wet from my tears.
"Yes. Thank you."
"You're welcome, do you want me to run you another bath?"
"Yes."
Now Quintin knows almost everything, something's can wait to be told. But the fact that he didn't want me to leave makes me happy. I feel wanted for once, possibly even needed.
"I do have to warn you about something,"
"Hm? What is it?"
" I still have some marks on my back. Please don't touch them..."
"I won't, thank you for informing me." Helping me undress was stressful, he is the first person outside of Kyle and David to see these marks which made me feel even more self-conscious.
The bath was slightly hot, but I always loved the feeling of heat against my skin. Maybe it's because of all the ice baths I was forced to take. Quintin decided to wait until I got out, he felt like it would be disrespectful to watch me bath after I just opened up to him. The fact that man like him could exist still amazes me.
After 30 minutes I got out and dried myself before putting on the robe he left for me. When I stepped out the room smelled of lavender, one of my most favorite smells in the world. "You didn't have to do that, I'm sure your tired and it's very late."
"I just want to make sure your comfortable while you sleep tonight."
"Can you hold me..."
"Of course," I turned off the light before I laid in his arms, they felt so comforting. Drifting off to sleep has never been this easy before.
Partially into falling asleep, all I could remember was me faintly saying. "I love you."