(A/N) Remember to vote! It saves pandas.
Also, this may be triggering to some audiences so yeah, you've been warned.
I spend the rest of the night being alternated between Louis, Niall and Liam. Harry and Lauren had been put strictly on Zayn duty. According to Louis, he was not allowed near me till he was ready to, “Build a statue of forgiveness.”
I also spent a lot of the time shaking, and it was not until around four in the morning that sleep graced me with it’s presence. At this time, I was laying in Niall’s bed, his arms around over my hip, rubbing it gently and soothingly, while Liam and Louis did things like sing and make jokes to try to get me to calm down.
It was scary to realize that the one person who had never so much as seen the bricks of your wall had suddenly scaled it, and built a home on the other side. That you were really alone, and that there was nobody who you could truly trust.
I awoke hours later to have Niall and Louis in the bed with me, and Liam laying on the floor. I stayed in place, not even daring myself to move. I didn’t want to face the world right now, not alone. I wanted three, maybe four if Harry could escape Zayn, boys surrounding me wherever I went. I couldn’t let the world get to me - not now, not while I was this vulnerable.
And I would have been completely safe had the knob of the door not turned, and had a certain black haired boy not staggered into the room, his eyes landing on me immediately.
My first instinct was to shake Louis and Niall awake, but things sort of backfired when Louis was sent shooting out of the bed and on top of Liam, who, I’m really not sure why he couldn’t just sleep in the free bed. Maybe he’d fallen out, I couldn’t recall.
Niall wrapped his arms around me protectively, and as he did this, I took the time to look Zayn up and down. His eyes was blackened, and the purple bruise traveled down and meshed into the one on his cheek where Harry had hit him. He was still wearing his clothing from the night previous, but he looked much more tattered now. I averted my gaze, looking down at my very bruised wrist.
When had it gotten that bad? It hadn’t hurt that much last night, but now as I focused on it, it began to throb uncontrollably, making me wince in pain. I wanted him to go away, as bad as that may sound. I wanted him to leave, and not come back until he was the Zayn I knew. The one that stopped the tears, not created them.
“I just need to talk to Ariel,” He told Louis, his voice sounding pleading.
“NOT UNTIL YOU COME BACK WITH A STATUE OF FORGIVENESS!” Louis said, placing his hands on his hips as if he were a superhero. I couldn’t help but grin at how even in a situation like the one we were in now, he could still be his silly self.
“Tell him just to talk,” I whispered into Niall’s ear, not yet ready to speak to him directly. Niall nodded, relaying my words to Zayn.
“What, can’t talk to me now, Ariel?” He asked, looking at me with pain in his eyes. My eyes widened, a few stray pieces of my blonde hair falling down into my face. I reached up my hand to push the pieces away, and it was not until I saw the color in Zayn’s face run completely that I realized what hand I had used.
“Maybe you should go,” I said bravely, just barely looking at his nose. I couldn’t look at his eyes, I knew if I did that I would cave. That I would go with him and let him kiss me and tell me how sorry he was, and that we would just end up going back and forth like we were now.
“Ariel!” He begged, his voice cracking. I raised my eyes slightly, catching his dark bottom lashes, and finally my eyes met his. His amber eyes were tired and bloodshot, much like my own. They twanged with pain, but nothing compared to the pain that he had left not only in my wrist, but in my heart.
“There’s nothing to s-” I started, but was cut off by Niall’s arms leaving me. I turned to look at him, and he gave a look that said, “Go.”
“But I-” I started, and he shook his head.
I sighed, wrapping my arms around him one last time before standing up and pushing past the swinging door that Louis and Liam.
“You have five minutes,” Louis said seriously, “And if I hear any bit of yelling, I won’t hesitate to assemble my super crew and come after you.”
I gave him an incredulous look, but he ignored it, sending Zayn a stern look. Zayn sighed, nodding his head before leaving the room, myself moving slowly behind him.
We stopped in the hall, him leaning against the wall and me standing with my arms around myself, the closest thing to protection I could get right now.
“The bruise on your wrist... Did I...” Zayn trailed off. I nodded, focusing on my bare feet on the carpet floor of the hotel’s halls.
“Ariel I am so sorry! You know I would never-” I cut him off, holding my finger up to his lips confidently.
“Last night was the first time I’d ever cried so much I shook,” I told him, “And the entire time I was thinking about how much I wanted my best friend to hold me. But, not my best friend Lauren. My best friend Zayn, the boy who knows just where to put his hands when he holds me,” I told him, dropping my hand, “The boy who’s always been behind my wall. Who helped me build it. But last night, I met you for the first time. You weren’t that person anymore Zayn, you were on the other side of that wall.” I finished, a tear running down my cheek.
“Ariel...” He said, but I stopped him. It was all coming out now, all the words that had been hiding behind the wall for so long were crumbling it brick by walmart brand brick.
“Do you want to know what I told Louis last night, Zayn? I told him I wished One Direction had never been formed! Yeah. The words left my lips, and I didn’t regret them in the least. Because guess what One Direction did? It killed my best friend!” I said, tears beginning to leave my eyes like bats from a cave.
“What was I supposed to do, Ariel!?” He asked me, his eyes pleading for answers.
“ANSWER MY CALL WHEN I CALLED YOU SOBBING ABOUT MY MUM DYING!” I yelled.
I regretted yelling, because as if on cue, three boys exploded from the room behind me, and one very curly headed boy from the room down the hall. I shook my head as Louis’ arms connected with Zayn’s, restraining him.
Niall placed a hand on my shoulder, but I shook it off, stepping up to the restrained Zayn Malik and slapping my hand across his cheek, my eyes filled to the brim with tears.
“You were supposed to care. You let me down Zayn, so stop making it out to be my fault, when I did everything to keep this friendship alive.” I said, backing up and standing next to Niall. He gave me an apologetic look, but I shook it off. This wasn’t his fault, nor was it his fight.
The boys didn’t have to protect me the way they did - this was technically their vacation, the three months we were spending in New York. I could have easily gone home, but I’d stayed with them. I’d stayed for Zayn, because somewhere in me I’d hoped that being this close together again would rekindle what we had.
But god was I wrong.
“I love you,” Zayn said as I was about to close the door to the room behind me. I stopped, turning to look at him. His eyes were honest, his arms dropping as Louis released him.
“I love you so much, Ariel Fielding. I love the way you laugh, and the way you care about everyone. I love the way you tap your fingers against your hip when you’re nervous, and I love the way your tears stream down your face when you laugh too hard. I love the way you claim to be tough, but really cry at everything. I love that you came crying to me every time you got your heart broken, and I love that I was your first kiss, and I just love you, okay? I love you!” He said, advancing closer to me.
I suppose any other girl would have leapt into his arms, despite him being Zayn Malik or not. But I did not. Rather, I closed the door, and then went on to lock myself in the boy’s bathroom.
I locked the door and shoved a towel under it, searching for anything sharp. I hadn’t resorted to this since my mother had died, but now seemed like as good a time as any to pick it back up. It was almost like it had become my last resort. I had done this the last time I lost Zayn, and now was no different. My eyes landed on a pair of medical scissors, and I was instantly going to work at carving into my bruised wrist with them.
The door was thrown open after I’d made at least three good marks on my skin, the blood trickling down like a melting icicle in the ending of winter. I looked up to see Louis and Niall in the door, Zayn pacing behind them.
I smiled at them, tears streaming down my face and blood streaming down my wrist I smiled at the boys, not even trying to hide the scissors in my hand.
~Zayn’s POV~
Louis’ harms held me back away from the door, but the moment he was pushing the door open to let himself in I was right behind him, exploding into the room.
“Can’t you just take a hint, mate?” He asked. This may sound mean, but that’s the thing, Louis could be honest with me at the times I needed it most. All of the boys could - I guess that’s how we stay sane being around each other so long. Honesty when it’s needed most. That and a lot of joking, but that’s beyond the point.
“I’ve known her since I was two,” I told him. The only person in the room that didn’t look the least bit surprised was Liam, which for whatever reason didn’t surprise me either. He’s the kind of person you trust with your secrets, so the fact that Ariel told him didn’t worry me.
“What?” Louis asked, his eyes widening in shock. I nodded my head, stepping further into the room while he was stunned.
“We were best friends till I tried out for X-factor. After a while we just... lost touch,” I said, running my hand through my already disheveled hair.
“THIS MAKES SO MUCH SENSE NOW!” Niall said, Louis and Harry who I hadn’t even seen - the sneaky devil - nodding in agreement. I shrugged, and just as I was about to say more a shriek of pain came from the bathroom.
“SHIT I FORGOT SHE LOCKED HERSELF IN THERE!” Niall yelled.
~Ariel’s POV~
“Ariel,” Louis was the first to speak my name, but the first person who’s eyes mine locked onto were the last person I’d wanted them to.
He seemed to just know when to look at me, to know the perfect moment to look up. My eyes landed on Zayn’s amber eyes, and in an instant he was pushing passed the two boys and into the bathroom, his hand grabbing for the scissors instantly. I dropped them, my head falling into his shoulder with a bounce.
I was sat in Zayn’s lap in the main bedroom some minutes later, his hand holding my free one tightly as Liam and Harry discussed the proper way to wrap it. Lauren sat on one side of us, and Niall on the other, the two of them looking at me with a mix of worry and fear.
I darted my eyes between Zayn and I’s intertwined fingers, and my bleeding wrist. I’d chance glances at his face every now and again, but every time I would find that a fresh tear had found its way onto his cheeks, and I’d instantly find my gaze darting elsewhere.
“We keep going in circles,” I said, and it was like the entire room knew exactly who I was speaking to, because not one person stirred, “Like that one song of you guys’. We keep waiting for the end to change, and we keep making the same mistakes, but nothing’s working. And I keep thinking that maybe if I say the right thing, or give you space, that things will change. But I can’t lose you again - I can’t let you slip out of my fingers again,” I squeezed his hand tightly.
“I love you,” Zayn said, kissing my neck lightly.
“I love you, too,” I said, resting my head against his shoulder.
While Harry and Liam wrapped my wrists, Zayn sang my favorite song of all time in my ear. I Wanna Hold Your Hand by The Beatles. I smiled to myself, hearing Niall and Louis, and even Lauren eventually join in.
Zayn and my relationship was far from fixed, but for the first time in years I felt like he was my best friend, and not the member of a famous boy band.
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Cutting is such a touchy subject for me :( But sigh, I dunno. This chapter might not be my best, but I feel like it really brings this entire story together. The next chapter will probably end the major drama-ness, but you know, I’m Lily, I’m nothing without Drama.
That and forgetting to proof read. I’m nothing without that either.