You woke up slowly... and.. groggily... your head pounded... and you felt like death. You didn't really care thought, you didn't like the thought of waking up... and you just wanted to go back to sleep.
Because honestly
What was the point..?
You rolled back over, and the cold icy sheets tightly covered your body. Squeezing and suffocating you... which you also didn't really care about.
Was this rock bottom?
No, you had farther to fall.
You sighed... and tried to fall back asleep. It was no use though... you had been asleep for 17 hours already, your body had had enough...
It was time for your alcohol and sleeping pills, and another 17 hour "nap."
You streached out your arms... feeling your bones crack as you moved them for the first time im a day or so.... you sat up... shaking your legs slightly, waking them up. You sat forward, swinging your legs over the side of the bed, placing your feet on the ice cold floor.
She was born in December.
Now it was February.
You got up.. walking down the hall.. pass the living room... where jeff was sitting.. watching the news.
"Jesus Christ, its about time you woke up."
"Yeah well... i was tired."
"Tired my ass."
You shrugged... walking past him, and into the kitchen for your breakfast of painkillers and vodka.
You swallowed two pills.
Took three shots
Now you wait.
He followed you into the kitchen... coming up to you face to face.
"No wonder why you fucking sleep all day..." he took the bottle from your hand. You shurgged again. "If your going to numb your pain, at least do stimulates."
You shrugged again... i mean... why not?
Its been a long long time since you met up with your old lover...
You had nothing else going on. No reason to not do it... in fact you probably had more of a reason to do it, then not to do it.
"Fine. Get me some and ill take them."
"And itll end all this depression shit?"
"Yeah."
"Fine."
"Itll be like old times again." You smiled at him. How your heart ached for everything to go back to the old times...how... ready for you to fall back into his grasp... how ready for you to return to the life you lived before.
In fact.
You were probably ready to die this way. You didnt really see the end for you. You didnt see how this could possibly play out in any other out come.
You didn't want to live. But you didnt want to die. It was a weird feeling. You just wanted to sleep. Sleeping was a funny thing, laying there blank for hours. If you dreamed. You dreamed of sitting on the coach.
You were alone, in your dark living room. The only light pouring from the screen. What are you watching? Can you even hear it. You just see flashes of colors... from time to time, but its not the tv show that's important.
Its the way you feel in the dreams. Its a feeling that sticks with you a few more minutes before you wake up... and when it leaves it just reminds you that you're back in reality... and it wasnt real.
In a way, its more painful.. cause it feels so so real.. but its not.
Its a real painful mind game.
In your dreams.. you feel relief. You feel a weight off your shoulders... you feel.. reborn and new... as you stare blankly at the tv... like the secret to your new life is in there.
You wish you could see past it.
Sleeping was a good thing. Dreaming really wasn't. You knew though, with the right pills... and right combinations... that you could sleep for hours woth no dreams. Just an out cold, blank sleep. You facing the edge of black and nothingness. That in itself was beautiful... it was peace.
It was the closest you could get to dying.. while waking up the next day. One day you wondered, though, if you were to slip... or fall... or jump into the black... what would happen? Would you die...? Would you wake up abruptly? No idea.
You've gotten close to testing it though. Maybe around a week ago, you took a bad combination
Two sleeping pills + plus a muscle relaxer + a painkiller + a couple glasses of wine.
Was it suicide?
You didn't think so
Did it look like it?
Yeah
Could it have been it?
Almost was.
You sat on the edge of the blackness... suddenly... it was slippery... and unstable. The ground shook slightly... and you felt that it would give way any second.
You woke up though. Sharply and abruptly... by jeff.. pushing on your chest, hitting it. You gasped for air... being starved of it for some reason... you gasped and coughed.. feeling dry and cold...
You stopped breathing...
You went about five minutes before he shook you... waking you up sobering up instantly.
You didn't like to think about it
You didnt change after that either... but jeff woke you up a lot more often
Which was sorta annoying but you lived with it
You guess he was worried about you, though he wouldn't show it.
But what did you care?
You didn't need people to care for you
You didn't even care about yourself
So it didn't matter....
You missed her, you missed her so much.
You didn't know why, but your apathy towards everything excluded her. You thought about her so often... and it hurt so bad... like you were rubbing your fingers on an old burn.... it still hurt but you couldn't stop.
You thought about her when sober... and honestly it was too much to bare... why did you do that to her....? she cried so hard... she needed you.
And you just ignored her
And you just left her
Her cries... haunted you... and you swore that sometimes... you could hear them..
You wanted her back... you wanted to explain yourself to her. You wanted to explain all the things she would be feeling and that they were ok. You wanted to watch over her and make sure she didnt make the same mistake you did. You wanted to watch over her so she wouldn't become like you or jeff.... you wanted to explain to her how important that was.
But you never would
And you would never ever see her again
And you could only pray that she would be placed with a good family in good hands... and you could only hope that they knew how to handle what they have..
She was such a quiet girl... but you weren't sure of how permanent that was.. and if she was just sick. You didnt know if she was that way because of your mistakes during pregnancy... and you didnt know in the end... if she was truly ok.
What had happened in those days where you and her laid in bed?
Did she eat enough...?
Was she warm enough...?
Was she cared for properly...?
You felt such shame... how you could hurt an infant like that...
Like you didn't care..
But you cared so much.. her safety and her happiness were your only concern. Even months after you gave her up.
And eventually... it would drive you crazy with how much you cared
Was she with anyone?
What was she doing?
What was she eating?
What did she look like..? You...? You hoped she looked like you
Did she still have her big beautiful eyes..?
Was she still a quiet girl..? Did she cry more?
Did she know you were gone..? Did she know you existed...?
Was her new mom loving her... like she was her own..?
Was her new dad holding her gently and proudly..?
Was she happy?
Was she sleeping?
So many questions you would never have the answers too and it bothered you deeply
It made it hard to cope with loosing her
It made it seem like... it was a mistake giving her away... a mistake you cant come back from. Its something thats permanent. Its something you had to live with because there was no way you could ever reverse it and that hurt the most.
Everything just hurt so much... all the time. You tried your hardest not to let it bother you... but.. you were just lying to yourself.
It did bother you... and there was no way to reverse it or fix it.
Honestly,
Why were you even alive anymore?
Every day is the same and it made each passing day worse.
Jeff didn't understand and he never would.
He didn't want her, he never looked at her. He never cared and he never would. He never cared about your sadness.... he was just upset that you were too sad or too doped up to have good sex. Cause thats all you were to him....
The sad thing was that you didn't even care
You had always known thats what you were to him... but... you liked feeling like you were something to someone... and if that something was just sex, well it was better then nothing...
And maybe that time you stopped breathing was a suicide attempt
You just didnt know it.
....
Jeff woke you up from another induced sleep and the same routine followed.
You cracked your bones... and stretched slightly... you were exhausted.. and you just wanted to keep sleeping...
"Im suprised to find you alive... you haven't choked on your own vomit yet?"
"I guess not." You mumbled rubbing the sleep out of your eyes. You were so tired... and not in the mood to do anything...
"I got you some of this." He tossed a little baggie of white powder at your feet and you just stared out.
Why not?
"You got a key?"
"Yeah." Jeff dug into his pockets, taking out several keys on a big key chain, handing it to you.
You opened the baggie, selecting your key, and scooping a small portion of the white powder onto your key.
"To being normal again." You mumbled, holding the key under your nose.
"Right..."
Your snorted it... and tilted your head back to make sure everything got down there.
Ah..
How amazing this felt..
The tingle in your nose... and the taste of it down your throat...
Just like old times...
Just like how it was before
"Are you feeling better...?"
"Yeah..." you breathed out. You felt so much better... so much happier. You felt alive and full of energy.
"Yeah..?" He smiled at you.. placing his hand on your shoulder.. rubbing down your back.
You snorted more... just wanting to feel happy again...
Jeff took the bag from you... placing it on the table next to you.. and you laid down on the bed... feeling your heart beat shake your chest. It felt so good... so so good.
He crawled ontop of you.. kissing you harshly.. like he had been waiting for a while. You kissed him back, liking the feeling of your tounge on his...
He kissed your neck.. and down your chest, biting you.. scratching you...
You didn't feel any of it...
"Ive missed you so much y/n... so much..."
"Ive missed you too..."
His placed his hand over your mouth and bit deeply into your neck...
your body cried out in pain.. and tears came to your eyes.
But you didn't stop.
You wanted to make jeff happy
You needed to make jeff happy
If you didn't have him, you didn't have anyone
You couldn't let him leave you...
So you let him bite you
You let him scratch you
You let him hit you
And you let him fuck you.
He continued at it... going so rough and hard that you started bleeding.
You haven't had sex in a while.. and it hurt so bad... but it didn't matter. You let him tear you up.. and cut you. You let him fuck you towards the point of blood and pain
And you didnt care
It wasnt the drugs
You came down a long time ago
It was for that fact that now you realized you didnt care about yourself anymore
You decided to change at one point... and you threw away all that work. You never really wanted to leave, you were just telling yourself that. The fact is, you didnt stay out of fear.. or love... you stayed because you truly believed its what you deserved
You felt like... you didnt deserve a normal life... you didnt deserve not to be hit and used up. You didn't desever anything better... and you didnt deserve happiness....
So where did that leave you...?
With a nose bleed... and some rough sex.