- Saturday, March 17th, –
I wake up confused because Oliver is next to me, crying while trying to keep the sounds to a minimum. He's seated with his back against the wall, his head covered by his arms.
I groan as I move, trying to push myself up, feeling in the least a bit sore. I knew this would happen. And I knew I would feel guilty, shitty. I feel like crying along with him. But I wonder if Oliver is crying for the same reason I want to cry.
I cheated on Finnley and I allowed it to happen without even doubting for a single second.
But all the while feeling guilty, I also feel good because I did want this, and I did enjoy it. And it's all the more confusing because my heart is breaking to watch Oliver cry like this, again.
"Oli..." I mutter, crawling in his direction to pull him in my arms protectively. "I'm here... Please don't cry."
"I screwed up, Cris," he whispers in a croaked voice, broken by the crying. "Mom's right, I'm a screw-up..."
"You're not a screw-up, Oli," I grumble annoyed.
"I drank. I can't even stay sober for five years..."
"You think it's not an achievement to stay sober for over 2? I can't even stay sober for a week!"
"You don't get it Cris!" He cries out, pulling his head up to look at me in agony. "I'm an addict! I'm already craving a drink right now and I'm not even completely sober!"
"But you're not drinking." I point out, cupping his face, completely forgetting about my own misery for a second. "You could've went to the kitchen, grab a bottle of whatever is in there, and drank because you feel like a screw-up. But you didn't. You're here, you're obviously aware that you made a mistake and you know what? It only makes you human. You made one mistake. That doesn't mean you should give up."
"I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to stay sober for long... I... the memories... I want them gone..." He sobs, tugging at his hair in frustration. "I want to get rid of them..."
"Oli, listen to me. You fought for over two years. You are strong, I admire your strength – for what it's worth to you – and you can do this. We had one fun night. We escaped our misery for one night. And from now on we'll go back to fighting our demons in sobriety."
"Says he who has no trouble to not drink for a couple of days." Oliver grips my wrists. "You don't know what it's like... Cris."
"In all honesty, I haven't been completely sober in days either. I just hid the fact I've been drinking every day. Besides, I do know what it's like to lose the love of my life and I think I'd rather have someone tell me if this is permanent, or temporarily. The uncertainty about Finn's faith is killing me."
"This is not about Maxie, Cris," Oliver whispers, followed by a deep sigh. "Well, it's always about Maxie, but that's not the reason I drank."
"You ran into your former bullies." I nod, telling him I still remember that he told me. "And they're worthless pieces of shit you shouldn't pay any attention too."
"That isn't easy, Cris." He turns a bit to look at me. "They did stuff that isn't okay. Not just to Maxie, but to me too."
"Like?" I ask, hesitantly because I knew before something happened to Oliver that he isn't sharing with anyone. "What did they do to you?"
Oliver is silent for a couple of seconds, but then he forcefully shakes his head. "I don't want to talk about it." He pulls away from my hold, crawling away from me a bit. "And we shouldn't have slept together. This can never happen again."
I swallow hard, taking him in from the small distance in between us, fiddling with the cover of the bed, only now realising we're both still naked.
And I've cheated.
Though I'm not sure if anyone could consider it cheating since I'm not even sure if my boyfriend is still alive. Or ever coming back if he is alive.
Should I feel guilty, or is this an understandable event?
More important, would Finnley understand?
"We have to be at the club in an hour." Oliver pats my shoulder, wipes away the last tears, and with that it's as if nothing is wrong.
I frown, watching him parade in his Adam's costume while he's searching for clean underwear to wear.
I guess we're really going to pretend nothing is wrong, since we do have to be at the club in an hour and we still have to stop by at Oliver's house to grab his stuff.
And then I can't help but wonder if Oliver has a break-down more often, in the moments I'm not there to witness them. Only to recover because he has a commitment to for fill, like soccer or school.
And I can't help but wonder if Finnley knows Oliver's biggest secret.
And if it's only a matter of time for Oliver to open up to me and tell me what it is that is actually bothering him more then Maxie's death and the previous taunting in high school.
What's behind Oliver's alcoholism?
* * * * *
We won the game, and this time it's mostly thanks to Oliver's brilliant game. He scored once from a penalty, once by taking a free kick, and he stopped practically all attempts from our opponent to score a goal. Since he's made man of the match, there's not drinking half a litre of beer and I'm holding onto his arm, squeezing it gently to tell him I'm here, and to remind him to be strong and really not do this.
He simply stares towards the table, ignoring some looks from other people in the canteen – our team knows exactly why Oliver doesn't drink, but not everybody is aware of that fact.
"Just say no, just be strong."
"I am," he hisses, taking a couple of seconds to advert his gaze and look at me. "I am saying no, ain't I?" He pulls away from his hold and after grabbing his jacket, he leaves the canteen and heads outside.
I bite my lip, feeling highly awkward. Oliver has been on edge and cranky all day. It made him play even better then usual, but it's not great for our friendship. Or any of his social interactions. I don't think he shared any decent words with anyone today.
"Is he okay?" Sam leans towards me with a frown of his own. "He's been a beet grumpy."
"Well, he did end his sobriety streak of over two years for one night of stupid fun. And I'm not even sure if he had that much fun. I think he's been crying most of the time."
"Because of... Finn?"
"No, and not Maxie either. It's something he won't tell me, and I'm not sure how to handle it. And to make matters worse, I did something incredibly stupid."
"What did you do?" Sam stands up right and we casually walk away from the group, towards the door and outside, lighting a cigarette to not gain much attention. I notice Oliver decided to sit on the grass abut 20 meters in front of us.
"We slept together."
Sam looks back and forth between Oliver and me, with an amused smirk on his face. "You had sex with Oliver?"
"Uhu... And I feel terrible. I feel like a cheater..."
"No, Cris." Sam forces me to look at me. "I know you love Blondie to death. And if he would be here, I'm sure you wouldn't even consider holding hands with anyone else, let alone have sex with them. But he isn't here, it's really unclear if he'll even return... You have to keep living. You have to do whatever helps you to be alive."
"Including cheating on him with a guy I'm starting to fall for?"
"You're falling for him?" Sam resolves in looking towards Oliver. "You two did become extremely close in the last couple of months..."
"And now I'm not even sure if he's willing to go with me to my parents. I'm supposed to join Finn's parents for dinner tonight. It was Finn's birthday and I really need someone there to keep me company..." I drawl while lolling my head. "But Oliver's been so moody and he keeps snapping at me. And I know mom and Eva are going to drink wine, and dad and James probably beer... I really shouldn't expose Oliver to alcohol right now."
"He's being exposed to it here as well." Sam point out, waving toward the canteen.
"And I think that's why he's outside, on his own, sitting on the cold grass." I roll my eyes and sigh. "I don't want to assume he's not doing good enough to go with me tonight."
"Then ask someone else. I'll go, if you want me to."
"You would?"
"Sure. You're my friend, right?" He nudges me with a smirk. "Go and talk to Oliver. See if he wants to go or not. Let him decide. He's old enough to decide for himself. If he doesn't want to join you, I'm available."
I nod, and skip down the pair of steps leading to ground level, walking towards Oliver hesitantly. "Hey there." I greet him casually.
"What do you want?"
"I want to talk to you. About tonight." I crotch down in front of him to look at him. "Dinner with the Lund's."
Oliver pulls up his nose in disgust. "You were serious when you asked me to join?"
"I was, yeah. Why? You thought I wasn't serious?"
"In all honesty, Cris?" Oliver looks up with red eyes, tears still drying on his cheeks. "I'm not in the mood to sit with them and pretend I'm good."
"So, you don't want to go?" I decide on sitting down on my but too, though it's a bit cold.
"Not really... but if you want to and you need me there..."
"I can ask Sam if you're not feeling good enough. I get that you're going through a lot right now." I sigh, cocking my head while staring at him in worry. "Please promise me to share whatever is bothering you once you're ready."
Oliver snorts in response, shaking his head warily. "I'll never be ready, Cris." He plucks some grass, allowing it to fly away in the wind. "It's been nearly six years and I'll never be ready."
"But you do admit that there's something huge that you're not telling me, huh?"
"I'll never deny that fact."
"Does anyone know?"
"No." he shakes his head again. "Well, yeah... two others. But not because I told them."
Oliver isn't making any sense and I fall into silence for a while, not really knowing what to say right now.
I observe Oliver for a short while, getting thirsty and moving to grab his bottle of water. But he snatches it away from me, sending me an angry look. I simply frown, feeling confused.
"I'm thirsty, I just wanted a sip."
"You can't have a sip," he deadpans, pushing himself up from his position. "And right now, I just want you to leave me alone."
With those words, he leaves, grabbing his bag from the rack, walking towards the car.
And I feel even worse, wondering if sleeping with Oliver ruined our friendship, also knowing it probably has nothing to do with that small fact.
Oliver is fighting a battle of his own and for some reason, he isn't allowing me to fight with him. And that fact makes me feel a bit lonely.
It's as if losing my only true friend.
Not that I don't have any other friends. But none of them are as close to me as Oliver was in the past months.
Not even Stan, who had been my support system during Finnley's first abduction. Ever since him and Nathan became a couple, I started slowly feeling more like an outsider then a close friend. I'm not even talking to either of them a lot lately.
And then there's the fact I always had Emma there with me whenever Finnley wasn't, and I lost her too. And again, like a lot of times lately, I wish I would be able to go back in time and go back to the time that I was popular in school, with tons of friends and not a worry in the world. Not being afraid of anything or anyone, aiming for a bright future with two best friends and a bunch of superficial friends to have fun with.
I wonder if I'll ever feel as carefree again as I did back then.
* * * * *
Though I rather would have Oliver, or Stan or Nathan here with me, Sam is being the friend I need right now, joining me and my parents for a dinner with Finnley's parents. Much to my surprise, aunt Cady, Liv, Lara, Jason and even Charlie are there.
I look around the living room, packed with family, still feeling as an outsider, even though James and Eva clearly told me I'm now welcome in this family.
I still have a hunch that there will be a catch and I'm on edge and nervously waiting for them to tell me this was a joke and they will never accept me.
"Where's mom?" Charlie asks his father, who's been busy setting the table, handing his guests drinks, talking to them and trying to entertain Liv and Lara in the same time.
James takes in a deep breath, shortly looking up towards the ceiling. "I think she's in Finn's room. She spends most of her time in there."
Charlie frowns, sending me a look, before he gestures for me to follow him. I reluctantly do so, since I feel worse just by being in a room full of people, still sad because Oliver and I aren't doing great right now and I really need him as a friend, while I know I'm not being the friend he needs right now either.
We head upstairs and as if it's a second nature I walk towards Finnley's room in silence. Eva is on his bed, the room still left untouched besides the regular cleaning. She's hugging a picture frame against her petite body, her eyes darting around the room.
"Mom?" Charlie hesitantly asks, leaning against the doorpost beside me. "All guests are here. Maybe you should come down."
She slowly looks towards us and smiles sadly. "Is it that late already?" She asks in a whisper, her tired eyes taking me in before they settle on Charlie. "I lost track of time I guess."
I swallow, wondering why Charlie even asked me to come with him in the first place, realising I left Sam on his own in a room full of people he doesn't really know.
"You look good." Eva addresses Charlie, cupping his right cheek with her hand, sending him some sort of proud look. "How are you doing, Charlie?"
"Shit. My little brother is missing, and my mom appears to waist her time staring around the bedroom he hasn't slept in for nearly two years." He frowns, seemingly a bit unimpressed by her motherly worry towards him. "If you're looking for Finn, I bet a million bucks you're not going to find him in here."
"But I can find the memories... the happy ones..." She sighs, pulling the picture away from her chest to look at it with more love then I've seen in her eyes in a very long time. "He spent so much time in here to study... And if you focus just hard enough, you can almost see him again." She looks back over her shoulder towards the desk. "Smell him... hear his laugh..."
She's losing it.
No, scratch that. She already lost it. She sounds dreamy and weird. As if she's high.
"Eva?" James appears behind us. "Are you coming? Dinner is almost ready."
"Yes, yes..." She nods, handing me the frame without really looking at me, somewhat floating after her husband towards the stairs.
"She's loony..." Charlie frowns, grabbing the picture to look at it.
It's a picture of Eva, with a younger Finnley hugging her, both with bright smiles. I think he is around 12 years old in the picture and he's already cute, with bright green eyes staring amused into the camera.
How could I miss his beauty all those years?
As I walk back downstairs, I notice the fact they placed back all the pictures they previously removed with Finnley in them. And everywhere I look, there's a smiling Finnley staring back at me. There's a happy family in the pictures, that I know wasn't happy for a very long time.
And they still are a broken family, even if Finnley would ever forgive them for all that happened, I don't think they'll ever go back to being a happy family.
I even wonder if they will ever get their youngest son back.
My boyfriend, who I let down in so many ways, over and over again.
I sit down at the table in between Sam and my dad, who are animatedly talking about our match today. Sam telling them I was man of the match two weeks in a row but seemed to have an off-day today.
Can't blame me after sleeping with Oliver, still feeling a bit sore right now.
But I can't ever let that happen again. I can never know for sure if I'll ever get Finnley back until they found him; whether that be dead or alive.
And if I don't do more then I'm doing right now, I might regret it later.
I have to start looking for him harder, in every possible way.
Even if that would include risking my own life to find Jeffrey.
Starting with provoking him.
By going out on my own.
And researching Sydney's history, his connection to Jeffrey, and maybe even his whereabouts.
And in the mean time, I need to find out what happened to Oliver, to be his friend, to be a support to him like he has been to me.
But right now, Oliver is breaking down faster then I am, and he too deserves someone who is there for him unconditionally.