Tiny Vessels - Death Cab for Cutie
ISABELLA
Four months. It's been four months since Chase and I became a couple.
It's been two months since Harry and I set up our boundaries in our friendship.
It's been one month since Chase said he loved me.
It was our three month anniversary. We were watching movies in his apartment, eating too much junk food. I was going in for the popcorn when his fingers brushed mine. His bright blue eyes looked over at me. They were shining with sweet adoration for me. He leaned in to kiss me, my lips responding automatically.
"Bella," He said, changing my nickname from Ella to Bella after he realized that name suited me better. I thought his excitement was too cute to correct him and say that I preferred Izzy. "I have to say something."
I looked at him with curious eyes. We had been getting serious over the past few months, spending more time together. Our conversations weren't as challenging as my conversations with Harry were, but they were nice. He made me laugh and we liked the same movies. I gave him a small smile, hoping to encourage him to go on.
"I love you." My heart stopped. That couldn't be right. He loved me? We had only been together for three months. Love was a strong emotion. It was a choice that you made and a feeling that you felt. I knew that I loved Chase as a person. I cared about him too much not too. But was I in love with him? I knew that I was far from feeling that way. So I said the one thing that came to mind; the one thing that nobody wanted to hear after they said the most vulnerable sentence imaginable.
"Thank you." I cringed once the words slipped out. Chase looked at me, his face stoic. He huffed, letting out a long sigh.
"Right," he sat up straighter on the couch, moving his arm away from sitting behind me. Automatically, I felt like a bitch.
"I'm sorry. I- I shouldn't have said that."
"It's fine." His eyes don't meet mine. They stay concentrated on the television, the movie long forgotten as my mind races to think of what to say next.
"It's just that, I-"
"Don't worry about it." He cuts me off.
"No. You love me. I am so honored that you would choose to love me. But, I just - I don't know if I love you. I can't say it back if I don't know." I plead, my hands grabbing his.
"It's fine Izzy." My heart breaks. He never called me Izzy. I knew right then that I had hurt him. Damn it.
"No, you're mad."
"I'm not mad." He looks at me, his eyes saying something totally different.
"Yes, you are."
"Let's just forget it okay? I don't want to pressure you into loving me back or saying it if you don't feel the same way. I wanted you to know how I felt and that's that. It's fine Bella." His smile doesn't reach his eyes, but he tries his best. I know that he's hurt by my rejection and I wish I could feel the same way. But I can't. I don't, and I wish that everything could be different.
It was now November. Two months after Chase said those three simple words with too big of a meaning. I have yet to say them back. I've thought about it every day since. My mind and heart debating whether or not I could return those feelings and I didn't. There was something inside of me that was shouting out that I didn't love Chase and that I couldn't ever. My sassy subconscious quirked her eyebrows up at me, placing her hands on her hips. It's because he's not the one for you and you know that. I shushed her not wanting to start up that internal argument again.
I sat on my bed, waiting for Natalia to answer her Skype. Finally, her bright eyes light up my screen. "Izzy! I miss you!" She yells into the camera, my heart leaping with joy and sadness. Oh how I've missed her!
"Nat! I've missed you more." I smile at her.
"What's going on?" She pulls her legs up to her chest as she takes a sip from her mug. The words NYU painted in bold letters. "I feel like I am so behind in your life."
It was so hard not seeing her in the summer. When I told her that I wouldn't be able to attend her graduation ceremony, we had cried for a good hour on the phone. I felt terrible knowing that I had let her down, that I had broken the one promise that I made to her before I left. Mother wasn't too pleased either, scolding me for breaking a promise. However, with the help of my father, they managed to Facetime me during the ceremony. Even though I wasn't physically there, I still felt like I was and that was the best feeling of all.
"Nothing really, Chase keeps telling me that he loves me. It's getting a bit too much." I take a sip from my own mug of tea, careful to not burn my tongue.
"Do you still not feel the same way?"
"No," I sigh.
Nat nods her head in understanding. She takes another sip of her tea before running her fingers through her blonde hair. She looks to the side of the screen, her eyes shifting back and forth in thought. "Maybe," she starts before scrunching her forehead together. "Maybe it's because your heart is somewhere else."
I furrow my brows and purse my lips. "What do you mean?"
"I think your heart isn't with Chase. I don't think it ever was." She explains carefully. "I think you said yes to him because you were lonely. You moved to a new country and he showed you interest. Plus, he is basically a carbon copy of every guy back home minus the accent. I think he reminded you of home and you took comfort in that. But I know you!" She giggles, "I know that he is not your type at all. You may say that he is, but I know that's complete bullshit."
"Natalia!" I scold playfully, still not used to hearing my little sister swear.
She giggles again before taking another sip of her tea. "I think you should break up with him. You are never going to feel the same way about him. Why keep trying to feel something that is not even there?"
I think about her words. My heart starts beating quickly inside my chest as each thing she says resonates inside. Deep down, a part of me knew that she was right. That Chase was not the one for me and that he would never be the one for me. But another part of me, the lonely part that desires so strongly to be loved, doesn't want to let him go. That part of me is hoping that one day I will find the love that I wished so desperately to feel for him, even though I know that the chances of me finding it were slim.
"I can't break up with him." I say quietly.
"Why?"
"I don't want to give up just yet."
"What about Harry?" My eyes light up at his name. I quirk an eyebrow up at her, "I still think you should date him. I know you are into him. I can see it in your eyes."
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"When I said his name your eyes lit up. You like him! Don't you!" She began to giggle like an excited twelve year old girl.
"No! I don't like him."
"It's okay if you do."
Did I like him? Was it okay if I did? I knew from the moment that I met Harry that I was interested in him. But it was his subtle rejection that steered me away from giving him my heart. Yet the moment I chose to give my heart to someone else, he chooses to show interest in me. But for the past few months, Harry has been good. Sure he still flirts with me and does everything he can to get under Chase's skin, he hasn't made another move on me.
I'd be lying if I said I was disappointed.
"I think a little bit." I admit, causing a high pitched squeal to escape Nat's lips. She yells a loud "I knew it!" I shush her, not wanting to wake up Jaz. I reach for my head phones before plugging them in and slipping them in my ears. "It's not like anything can happen between us."
"What? Why?" She asks, her smile faltering just a bit.
"Harry doesn't do feelings. He flirts and sleeps with different women all the time. That's it. If I broke up with Chase, I can say for a fact that Harry would not do anything about it."
"You can't say that Iz. You really don't know that. Maybe he said that because he doesn't want to get himself hurt. From the things that you've told me about your interactions, it sounds like he is interested in you too."
"Of course he's interested. He admitted it."
She laughs lightly before rolling her eyes. "I meant romantically. I think he's interested in you romantically."
I can't help the excitement that stirs inside of me at the possibility of Harry feeling the same way. An excitement that was too inappropriate for my taken heart. I knew that I liked Harry. I knew that I was interested in him. But the question was if he felt the same way about me.
HARRY
I can't escape her. Everything about Isabella has me entranced. I am so fucking hooked on her. She has become the drug that I crave. I need her in my system and running through my veins.
Being friends with her over the past few months has been the fucking worst, but I do it because that's all she can give me. Even though I want her, I need her. I want her so fucking bad it hurts and I don't know why I feel this way. It's a feeling that I can't shake and it's eating me up inside.
She is taken; it's the one thing stopping me from smashing my lips against hers. The one damn thing stopping me from having my way with her; stopping me from making her mine.
I know she feels it. She fucking admitted that she can sense the attraction between is. It's an attraction that I have never felt before. An attraction that is so foreign to me. I hate it with every fibre of my being.
I hate what she does to me.
But there's Chase; fucking Chase with his stupid Irish accent and blonde hair. God dammit do I loathe him. He is everything that I hate. Everything that Isabella hates. Yet she is with him. For some fucked up reason she is with him. And I fucking hate it. Worst of all? He loves her. I heard him tell Ben last month. The thought of Isabella loving that prick back makes me sick.
Isabella and I were the same. We both longed for a life free of wealthy bastards and high society. Her deep craving for adventure sparked something inside of me. The night that she had shared that she wanted to see the world, that her reason behind coming to London was to get away from home, I found a respect for her. It's a respect that I don't give out too freely. But with her, it came easily. It was sparked by the intrigue that I had for her. We both wanted to get away from what we grew up to know. I liked that. I fucking loved it.
But the moment that she said yes to Chase to be his girlfriend, was the day that my respect for her lessened.
She was going against everything that she wanted to be free of. By saying yes to that asshole, she wasn't finding herself. She wasn't facing her fucking fears in life. She is so much more than the power of high society. I knew that the first moment I laid my eyes on her.
The more I thought about it, the angrier I became. I didn't get her. I don't understand her thinking. She likes him. Fuck, she probably loves him. What kind of sick bullshit is that? If only she knew what kind of guy her boyfriend was. What kind of shit he is capable of doing. He's not all butterflies and roses like she thinks he is. It's all about the money. Women love a man with money and power. Fuck that.
I screw my eyes shut in mere frustration. A thin sheet is laid over my naked body. I can feel the sweat stick to my skin. The body beside me stirs causing me to look over.
A mess of blonde hair is beside me. The sheet does nothing to cover up her naked chest. Hanna, I think her name is, stirs in her sleep. She moves her body closer to mine, her sharp nails digging into my bicep, causing me to want to leave now.
I can feel the pounding in my head, the direct result of too many tequila shots. Damn, do I feel like shit.
The light of the November morning sun slips through the thin fabric of Hanna's curtain. My body is still, rigid, when Hanna opens her eyes, pulling her body closer to mine. "Good morning." Her lips leave a soft kiss to my cheek. "You stayed." She says quietly, a shy smile appearing on her lips. "I didn't think you would. I'm glad you did," she adds quickly.
"Yeah," I don't say much in response, not feeling the desire to say anything more.
"Um, do you want some breakfast? An Advil or two?" She laughs softly before rolling out of bed and pulling an oversized jumper on. She thankfully opts out of wearing my own. The only woman I can picture wearing my shirt is probably too busy wearing her fucking boyfriends.
I study Hanna as she walks towards the door. "Thanks Hanna," I say before she leaves. She abruptly stops and turns around.
"You actually remembered my name. I'm surprised." I smirk up at her before sitting up and off the bed. The sheet slips off, leaving my naked body on full display. Hanna bites her lip before smirking back. I reach for my boxers and jeans and put them on. I leave my shirt off, not feeling the need to put it on at the moment.
"The question is, love, do you remember mine?" I ask smugly before walking over towards her. She leans back, her body firmly against the doorframe. She smells like sweat, sex, and apricots. Not my favourite scent, but still enough to keep me going. I place my hands on either side of her face and on the wall. My lips touching her skin, leaving kisses down her neck and towards her collar bone.
"Harry," she moans. I smirk against her neck, pleased with her reaction.
"Breakfast sounds great," I say before I really catch myself. I'm not one for staying after a good fuck session. But, there was something inside of me that was screaming to stay; at least for breakfast.
"Really?" Her eyes lit up, the bright blues of her irises shining underneath her dark lashes. I couldn't help the small part of me that was comparing them to the deep browns of Isabella's. Those eye- damn, those eyes I could get lost in. They were like a dark abyss and I was constantly being pulled into it. But, I was hungry and could care less if I was eating with blue eyes or brown. My green ones will be focused on whatever food is in front of me anyways.
"Yeah, sure."
"Alright," she smiled up at me before kissing me hard. Her fingers digging into my scalp and her small body pressed into me. This will do. She's could be the distraction that I need from the deepening feelings I have developed for the one woman I could never get.