03:39.
it was paris again.
a warmth that erupted around her, a shining, white glow seeming to emanate from her bare skin.
and her laugh; she couldn't help it, but it was ringing out, like it was sending signals. and the sun; she could barely comprehend it, but it was so bright. yellow and amber and every radiant colour on the spectrum.
spectrum: colours.
baekhyun's hands.
all over her.
his lips, his mouth, tasted so good.
she laughed louder, ringing and ringing, feeling him close to her.
"i love you," he said.
warmth and sunshine and oh, god, she needed him.
she was about to say it back.
she loved him.
really loved him.
then, it went dark. the sky was black. big, dark birds flapped around the square. and they were back in lyon; the church tower and the cobbled flooring and her skin wasn't glowing anymore, and--
baekhyun was moving away from her. looking at her like she was a stranger; pain etched into his features and creases, running now. looked as if she was going to hurt him.
she loved him.
the lights shut down everywhere around them.
one by one.
on and off.
so fucking dark.
baekhyun's footsteps were echoing, increasing in volume, louder and louder. too much to handle. he disappeared around the corner. he was all around her.
and the square seemed to be becoming vaster and wider, darker and further away from the edges and roma could feel herself screaming; throat hoarse and burning.
"baekhyun!"
no answer.
the roaring of wind in her ears drowned out her voice.
she was screaming.
baekhyun!
baekhyun!
baekhyun...
still screaming. couldn't breathe--
"roma. roma! roma, wake up!"
familiar and hurried and a scared voice pulled her out of the dark expanse of her nightmare.
only could hope.
the light was minimal.
mia's hands shook her shoulders, pulling back the bed covers, her tone panicked and desperate.
roma was still stuck, in the trance, in between the darkness and the light; black images of darkened street corners and vastly expanding edges gripped her mind, the images replaying, not letting go.
skin was hot and, as she filtered back into reality, she felt her t-shirt sticking to her back and her frame shaking, shivering and unable to control her trembling actions. dried tears patterned her skin, and a sleek sliver of light from the street lamps outside illuminated mia's piercing eyes, staring at roma with a registered look of worry and fear. her mouth was still wide open.
panic.
"roma!"
she opened her eyes, wide, stuck to her skin. sweat poured, heat encompassing her. memories and darkness, lips shaking and dry: unbearably hot and scared.
"roma, oh, my god, it's okay."
mia was wrapping her arms protectively around roma's huddled body, eyes darting, body and mind still unaware of what was going on. her hands were around her, as she enclosed herself around roma.
roma gripped hold of mia's hand.
"shh," mia uttered over and over again, and it sounded familiar to how baekhyun would have said it.
roma couldn't see properly.
she wished baekhyun was here.
but mia was trying, trying her absolute best to calm roma down, stroking her back, whispering quiet words of comfort to her.
roma clung to someone.
"it was just a bad dream," mia was saying, softly and understandably. as if she understood. she didn't.
maybe.
roma nodded vigorously, the sobs still escaping quietly, wiping her eyes with the back of her hands.
"shh, it's okay."
held it all in.
the light in the bedroom switched on, and then off.
//
15:22.
end of august.
you could tell; the heat still rose and rested heavily in the air, soaking into the clouds and the blue sky, but the atmosphere held a slight sense of ending, the sun seemingly dissipating and fading slowly. its yellow essence painted the messy, disorganised room with a brightness that seemed out of place.
clothes, boxes and belongings that didn't match filled the corners and expanse of the small apartment.
music from her laptop played slowly and sadly.
a sigh poured from her mouth, hunching and shrugging her shoulders.
roma picked up her pile of jeans from the bed, turning around a bit too swiftly.
she cursed to herself, as she accidentally knocked off one of the vases from the shelf. the sound of it was loud and harsh against the quiet atmosphere of the room. came crashing down, splintering into pieces, brown soil and dried petals littering the carpet. roma sniffed, rolling her eyes at her naturally clumsy actions.
the pile of jeans fell to the floor into a crumpled mess.
she let her head fall into her hands, as a deep, tired sigh emanated from her shattered being.
waiting for autumn to come.
body collapsed on the inside, as she slowly let her structures weaken, sliding down the side of the bed, resting her back against the frame. landed with a thud onto the carpet.
roma was packing her stuff. mia had gone out, to go for a coffee she had said. their place was a complete mess, and roma hated it like that. somehow, she couldn't bring herself to tidy properly, despite currently attempting to clear away their belongings, sorting and folding clothes, packing everything back into suitcases.
going through the motions was proving harder and harder.
her legs were stiff and her back ached. too much; her mind was beginning to cloud over again, the mess in the room and everything else starting to overwhelm her being. day by day. taking everything slowly, a step at a time, trying her hardest not to overthink.
roma could hear the music changing track.
she glanced over at the mess on the floor. it seemed that she would never be able to fix it: the petals and shards of glass, jagged edges and dirt. smudges and smears across the carpet, marks that seemed inescapable, elements of the mess that seemed it would just remain like that forever, stuck in the room.
sighed heavily.
dramatic, she knew.
roma recalled a particular memory; sat, both of them either side of the large, reclined sofa, their legs winding in between one another. baekhyun had had his arm slung around the back of the couch, the other gliding up and down one of her legs. the settled heat had moved silently through the room, and all roma had thought about was how the warmth emanating from baekhyun made her feel safe and happy.
now, the bedroom was uncomfortable and didn't feel like home anymore. the clothes and little things and everything that belonged to her were being stored away, removing the remnants of her presence. her back ached profusely from moving things around and cleaning the apartment all day.
it was painful; the same image of him, over and over again. on top, in the darkness, skin pressed desperately against skin, mouthing over her collar bones, her chest, the crook of her neck. i love you. didn't matter anymore. doesn't matter. she tried, to forget and to block out, for her own sake.
out of frustration, roma kicked over one of the organised piles of things, an they collapsed onto the carpet, the same as the broken vase.
she cried out.
her head fell to her hands, helplessly and in need of someone. she squeezed her eyes shut against her clenched knuckles, biting her lip, hard. not now. she tried to tell herself; was beginning to become no use.
streaming tears fell uncontrollably. her body heaved, as she sobbed, up and down. tried to stop the tears, but it wouldn't work. so much energy was drained from her; because of him, she hated it. so much was going on in her head. roma wasn't sure what things were going to be like when she was back in england.
sobs augmented in volume. back against the bed. vision blinded.
roma felt his name slip from between her quivering lips in a pained moan, and hated herself for it. she also couldn't bear the moments when she wasn't pretending that life was still the same. her head hurt, and her eyes were sore from the constant emotion, and roma wanted nothing more than for him to just be here.
impossible.
also wanted the memories to be gone forever. so she could continue.
a sudden rap of three knocks sounded from the front door.
roma choked on her tears.
confusion and puzzlement overtook her weakened state. she scrambled to her feet, using the bed frame as a support. had to be presentable. bare feet padded through the bedroom and into the hallway. she wiped her face; tried to, anyway. roma was only wearing a t-shirt and a pair of old denim shorts that were too small and uncomfortably tight.
a side-glance in the mirror showed the red splotches and marks that covered her cheeks, moisture sticking to her eyelashes, her lips dragged down into an ugly, frowning expression.
she sniffed loudly, quickly wiping away the tears again. pulled down her old t-shirt to cover her exposed legs.
without thinking, really; she pulled the door open, running her fingers through her straggly hair.
jongdae was here.
roma felt the alarm and nerves spread across her features. she felt herself cower slightly behind the protection of the opened door, bare skin flushing, hair all over the place. tears and embarrassing red marks.
the sun shone outside.
jongdae.
"um. h-hey," she managed, stammering and anxious as to why he was here.
she wished she'd bothered to get dressed.
still a mess.
"roma, hey," he spoke, pleasantly, although with a hint of worry, presumably due to the fact that she'd obviously been crying. and the fact that she looked a complete wreck.
"um," she let out, out of nerves and uncertainty. didn't know what was going on. wanted to be told the right thing to say.
"can i come in?" he asked.
roma looked behind her. mess and panic had overwhelmed the apartment, and she wanted nothing more than to just disappear within it, and not have to deal with whatever this new confrontation was going to be. she was exhausted.
"uh, yeah, o-of course, come in."
stuttered, like an idiot.
she stepped back, so that jongdae could step in, kicking his shoes off onto the mat. roma's head was filled with an inundation of questions and remarks that could be made. what was he doing here? had something happened to baekhyun?
roma couldn't help it. hated herself for it.
baekhyun was all that consumed her thoughts, these days and nights. no rest.
jongdae, nonchalantly and casually, stepped over the mess and continued through the hallway into the small living room. his eyes were glancing and focusing on the furniture, the elements of the room, scanning the area with those darkened orbs. each of them, all of them, had eyes that held the same depth and intense, blazing colour.
as he turned, roma saw, the fire dancing and the reflection of the world in his vision and expression.
felt her breath lost momentarily.
and then, she came back to reality.
she realised she still must have looked awful. tear stains, creased clothes and eyes red and sore from the constant reminders.
jongdae sat himself down by the window sill, staring out of the window. roma was perplexed by his behaviour and stance; his reason for being here, with her. she couldn't help but assume the worst, which only caused her blood to pump faster, and her heart to beat harder.
"jongdae, h-has...has something happened?" she managed to question, mumbling, under her breath.
he was eyeing the disaster. vision continued to scan, analytical, across the floorboards, following the slits of sunlight that streaked the lines and shapes of the room.
then he looked up at her.
"baekhyun wanted me to check on you," he spoke, almost gravely, as if he'd been expecting such a situation of instability and helplessness.
his name. baekhyun. made her head spin, her muscles clench, the tears threatening to reveal her true feelings again.
"oh," was all she said, voice listless and small, shrinking. she thought. "is he okay?"
the question was stupid. her pathetic tone of desperation made it sound even more so, as she crossed one leg over the other. trying to hide her body and her exposed state.
"are you okay?" jongdae asked, with sincerity. and worry, she detected. "roma, he's--"
he perhaps didn't quite know how to finish.
"he's what?"
panic.
"he's just dealing with some stuff. you know that, right?"
she didn't know. she knew fucking nothing, she wanted to scream at him. wanted to make jongdae sympathise more with her, because she felt sorry for herself this time, and because jongdae's sharp expression wasn't helping anything, and because--everything was falling apart around her.
roma just nodded.
jongdae's statement had been casual, yet also filled with depth. never made sense. his eyes weren't warm like baekhyun's were; they were swirling with a navy-blue that outlined the charcoal colour, like the ocean. never-ending.
"what's--i mean, why is your stuff everywhere?" he questioned.
he gestured towards the disorganised mess. the boxes and the lack of clarity.
jongdae looked like he actually cared.
roma could feel the tears--
wiped away the emotion with the back of her hand.
"um, i was only in lyon for the summer. mia and i are going back to england. i'm, uh, yeah...going to university in september," she mumbled. explanations and excuses.
that seemed to come as a surprise to jongdae.
"oh," he said. looking around, circling the perimeter, sweeping the area with his vision once again.
"yeah," she let out. voice quiet, getting quieter, almost inaudible.
roma turned to her side, because she could feel the tears again, and perhaps she wouldn't be able to stop them this time. a single drop, slid down, revealing herself.
"baekhyun told me that--"
but roma couldn't hear, because she was crying, tears hot and fast, and she couldn't bear it any longer. and she couldn't handle all of this feeling, and she wished wished wished she'd never even met him.
wasn't true.
and suddenly, roma could feel a warm grip of two arms around her, one hand on her back, as her wet cheeks collided with the sensation of jongdae's shirt.
he didn't speak. just let her cry.
roma clung to him, and couldn't help herself.
"i want him to come back," she whispered pathetically.
she thought jongdae couldn't hear her.
the sun brightened, casting their shadows, and then it disappeared behind the opaque clouds.
//