The beauty of life can be seen in numerous ways of minor moments and perspectives. Our mind is an art on itself, creating beautiful words and letting us drift into new, wonderful worlds we have never seen before. — Books let us see things our minds can't even comprehend. Words have never lost on importance through all the years in which we, humans, entered this planet and made it to the place it is now. Beautiful, with various of energy and happiness floating through the thin air and filling every part of our bodies with a rush of life.
But, we humans, also make massive mistakes. We destroyed, we killed and we teared families apart, only to satisfy our own desires and pleasures. We, human beings, are selfish. We lust over inconceivable things and forget the real beauty of life in the process. We're selfish and decide to follow our desires instead of doing the right things, and this certain selfishness will be our end. The money is going to consume us and tear us from the reality we live in. Why do we give a piece of paper so much power? Why are we killing for a piece of paper? – Because we can't get enough. Power awakes something inside of us. This something starts to cover us like a second skin, possessing our souls and ripping us from all the beauty of life.
But this is just a small part of this story— it's actually about me and this very special, certain person, who showed me what life is about. He is the one who painted my colorless life in every possible color, making me smile for the very first time and didn't only make me feel happiness, but also love.
Love. Oh, what a wonderful feeling. If I would have only felt it before. If I would have known how amazing this certain feeling could be.. My life could have been so different, all the pain. All the anxiety didn't have to be there in the first place, it could have been avoided, but sadly that's not how life works.
Pain needs to be felt. We all have our own paths of anxiety and tears, we all have our stories and these certain stories make us to who we are. They form our personalities and create the person we are behind all the invisible facades and lies. We, we pretend to be someone else and hide our true selves in the deepest of our souls, somewhere where not even light can't reach us, chaining us to a place, which is darker than the night.
Caught in a pitch darkness and secluded from every possible human being. That's how I've been all my life, trying to run away from social interactions, in order to hide myself in my thoughts. But this changed in one particular year.
January 21th,
Comics. A world painted in a million of different colors and shades, fiery reds kissing baby blues and vanishing in a colorful purple. Perfect. The place where heroes are born and raised, where they experience amazing adventures, and follow their true destiny – saving people. I've always been dreaming to be one of those heroes, hiding behind a costume and swinging from houses to houses like Spiderman, oxygen filling my lungs and providing me with a rush of life.
But unfortunately this isn't how life works. In reality, I'm nothing more than me this 'strange' boy, who has never uttered a single word in his entire life before. The doctors didn't diagnose me with autism, clarifying that my seclusion was probably a mental problem rather than something considering my physical health. I've seen a lot of psychologists during this particular time, but I had already mastered how to block out people with my 10 years, the psychologists' words continuously entering my head but somehow didn't seem to reach my mind.
Just me and my non-existing world, where my life is painted in colors, where I'm the hero, a world where I'm the one who makes the rules.
My own perfect world, in which I hide myself in the grave I've dug myself, blending out every stripe of light trying to reach me to welcome the state of seclusion. Life is too painful, there are no colors. Everything I see is black and white and everything I feel is a heap of nothing. Just a spiral of materialism and corruption.
I'm only 15 year old, born on October 30th, 2002, I've changed 6 school during this time and learned how to block out everything resolving around me, in order to be one with my thoughts. But still I know more than some adults. I prefer to live in a world I've created myself, but I'm still able to see people's real faces with just one look. I can see how rotten they are in reality, I can see behind their masks.
— And that's exactly why I'm avoiding them, that's exactly why our eyes never meet.
It's another one of those days when I'm sitting on a bank in the fresh air, my eyes chained to one of those comics my parents have bought me a while ago. A scoff plays on my lip as the thought of my parents rushes through my mind. It's not like they don't love me, they're just trying to gain my love by showering me with things instead of doing something with me for once. A cold breeze runs through my skin, covering it with goosebumps.
My parents. I drift my eyes from the comic to the paper airplane which swings in the thin air, the soft breeze making it fly through the wind to the lake on the other side of the street. When was the last time they've been at home? I bite my lips, watching how the paper airplane continues its way towards the rigid wall of my neighbors house-wall before sinking onto the stony, with dirt covered, ground. Probably a week.
Disappointment showers my body and suddenly I can relate to this dirty, creased piece of paper on the ground. I feel lonely, lonely and broken. Every time I remove the film over my orbs all I see is darkness, all the colors vanishing before my very eyes, leaving me behind in a colorless world.
I'm the paper airplane, trying to escape the ground by drifting into other worlds and feeling the oxygen running through me, causing my entire body to feel weightless. But this moment doesn't hold on forever, in one single second everything can be shattered like glass. This moment of weightlessness is fragile, all the happiness,the weightless feeling can be replaced with loneliness in just milliseconds.
"Jeno!"An explosion of a voice suddenly drains my eardrums, pulling me into the black and white in a killing pace. "Come in here! It's cold outside." I stare at the ground for a moment of silence, focusing my brown pair of eyes on the dirt covered on the asphalt,the breath leaving my lips heavily and the cold breeze wrapping its coldness around my body. No, this is fine. — I like coldness.
"You'll catch a cold if you don't come in." As if you care. My aunt's voices stops after that, silence covering the air again and my eyes finding their way back to the comic in my hand, gliding them through the colorful pages of pure adventures and happiness.
Would people love me if I would be a hero? — They would for sure envy me.
The coldness increases but all I can focus on are the well drawn pictures on every single pages. To me they are so much more than pictures, to me they're my escape, my escape into alternative universes.
The portal to my very own world.
"Jeno! I won't repeat myself! Come in! NOW!" A piercing voice echoes through my mind, pulling me back into reality once more. All I need is a few hours for myself, that's all I'm asking for.
Why can no one understand it?
All I want is to spend some time in my thoughts—I want to be happy.
I close my eyes deeply, the comic clenched in my hold tightly. I feel out of place here, as if I this just a dream and the real world is waiting for me somewhere out there, as if I just have to pinch myself to wake up, but unfortunately it's not. Unfortunately, this is the cruel truth. – The truth I'm stuck in.
My heavy eyelids open again, my exhausted body moving up in a slow pace and making its way to the immense, in a light-grey colored house on the other side of the street. The coldness is still hugging my body, but I don't mind. For me, coldness is energy, every time when it tickles my skin, kissing goosebumps onto my body. It's a wonderful feeling.
"Jeno." The door creaks open, a hand touching my arm to shove me into the warmness in a killing pace, coldness vanishing the thin air and leaving nothing but heat. How annoying. Voices immediately begin to drain my ears, the yellow of the chandelier touching my face.
"Come on, our guests are here. Greet them," My aunt mumbles, pumping a rush of anxiety through my veins. My eyes don't have to meet theirs, for me to see their fake smiles and facades. The rottenness of their masks can be smelled from the distance I'm holding. It stinks. The smell covers my nostrils, drugging my mind in an explosion of disgust.
A flood of laughter and chatter keeps entering my ears in a killing speed, providing me with a throbbing headache as the anxiety increases more and more with every breath leaving the tip of my lips.Too many voices. I start to hear my aunt's voice but it's already too late. My body has already started walking up the wooden stairs directly to the only escape in this messy house. My room.
It is the only space within the house, in which I can lock myself in my thoughts. The only space where I don't have to listen to people's lies and two-faced personalities. They're all wrong, every single one of them.
They all wear those facades so perfectly, almost like it was specially designed for their features. A sigh leaves my lips, my feet touching the brown laminate and finding its way towards the raven bed on the corner of the room before falling down on the softness of its bedsheets.
Today has been pretty normal, nothing I had to worry about. — absolutely carefree. But this is the last night I'll fall asleep with a light heart. The moment I wake up from my sleep I'll immediately fall back into my panic-stricken routine full of pain and anxiety. I'll fallback into a daily routine of survival.
My heart thumps against my chest rapidly, the breath leaving my lips but immediately vanishing in the thinness of the air. The oxygen is glued on my lungs, not really reaching the tip of my lips. I'm scared. My shaky hands find their way to the blanket, laying it over my body gently before the curtain of my eyes close and I fall,deep,into the different colors of my thoughts.
Mud touches the soles of my shoes, rain kissing my face and leading me into a state of total silence and satisfaction. My body feels weightless, like it's sitting on clouds, flying on the upper atmosphere while the wind keeps stroking my body, painting goosebumps on my skin. My eyes seem to look down on the beauty of life. All the mixed colors hitting my eyes, filling them with its art. Wow. A glimpse on shine is hidden within my orbs, the brown of my hair sticking against my forehead and covering my face in wetness.
The rain keeps falling, drop for drop, but again, I don't mind. When I think about rain my mind fills with those chill days. Snuggling into a soft blanket while the hot chocolate is tickling your throat, running down your body and providing you with a delightful heat.
This feels so right. So damn real. But the truth is, it's not real. No, I know that this is just a dream. One of those dreams I have night for night, my soul drifting into new, unknown universes until..
Until the darkness called reality sucks me in again, leaving me behind in a world painted in black and white.
A blast of breath leaves my lips, my eyes shooting up in a killing pace. A dream. The sun is shimmering on my skin, almost blinding my heavy eyelids. It was too short. Way too short. Can I go back again?
But sadly, I can't. I'm stuck, stuck in reality.
I look up to the naked ceiling, a sound penetrating my ears and a rush of distress running through my system. Today is the day. The first day of my sophomore year. – Another year full of pain and anxiety.
✧ ✧ ✧
The bus' smell is way too familiar. An overwhelming, pungent smell creep its way through my nostrils into my mind leading me into an ecstasy-like state. It's disgusting. A mix of sweat and rottenness fills the entire bus and almost makes me vomit right here,but I hold back, focusing on the ground, trying to not only escape the smell but also the voices which keep entering my head, again and again. It's pounding in my head, constantly, providing me with a throbbing headache. I hate this. I hate this so much.
I hate them. Every single one of them.
With every little breath leaving my lips, pain shoots into my mind as arms keep brushing against my shoulder. My blood runs cold, a flinch building up in my body. I've been despising body contact since I can remember, since I've been a child I guess. My parents have never really tried to run their hands through the ash of my hair or welcome me in their embrace, but it is fine. I wouldn't want them to build body contact, anyway. I'm good. – It's fine.
The bus stops all of a sudden, the voices holding on for a millisecond. I take a deep breath, drifting my eyes to the bus' opened exit door before making my way out of it with a heavy heart. Fear reaches its climax as the sun shines its way on the right side of my face, the soles of my shoes touching the rigid ground. I don't want to go back. I don't want-
"Oh look, who's there." My world freezes. Anxiety pumps through my veins, my whole body shaking as it I've just heard a monster. And maybe I have, because the boy in front of him gives me the same vibes.
I can't see him. I look at the ground, directly on the navy-blue of his shoes. I can't run away anymore, he has already spotted me. Even more fear comes overcomes me, sweat covering my hands with every single passing second.
"I was pretty kind to you last year, but this year will be different. This year you'll wish to be dead," he whispers, causing my blood to run cold. "Except you will beg, beg for me to have mercy with you." Beg. I clench my shaky hand to a fist, trying to collect all the courage left in my body. Maybe I'm scared, but I won't fool myself.
We need to feel pain.
And maybe this is my very own way of pain. Maybe I have to suffer first before light reaches me, dazzling my path.
"Talk, you freak." No. I won't. I won't waste my energy to speak to any of you. You're all not worth it. I exhale to calm down, voices pounding in my head. He can't do anything to me. Way too many eyes are fixated on us. And with that I leave his side, the wind kissing my face as my body moves into the hella huge building, also called hell.
It's been always like this, even before high school. I've been nothing more than this 'strange boy', who was hated by everyone. No one has ever tried talking to me, avoiding my presence as good as possible. Cowards, all of them. Their fears were controlling them, their fear of rejection and seclusion. They don't want to be like me; alone, so they prefer to adjust to their surroundings, turning to something they're actually not.
They're fools. Nothing more and nothing less. They're fooling themselves, running away from the risk to escape in rumors.
But maybe I shouldn't judge because I'm scared too. The difference is just, I'm not scared of the risk, I'm scared of reality. This colorless world just isn't made for me. – I don't fit in there, and I'm aware of it. I'm not like them.
The class is already filled with people, voices draining the huge room as my eyes are fixated on the most secluded seat in the entire room.It's in the last row, directly next to a wide window. Perfect. Secluded and quiet, just what I need.
For a millisecond a light smile appears on the corner of my lips before fading in lightspeed. Don't let them see. Don't let them get a glimpse of you, the real you.
A rush of contentment is floating my body as I walk to the seat, way too many judging eyes glued on me, watching my every step carefully.It's quiet suddenly, too quiet for comfort. Light whispers are swimming in my ears and I immediately know they're judging me.They're judging me, hard, with every step I take further before sitting down on the seat.
But I'm already used to this kind of treatment, so it's fine. Their empty words have no effect on my anymore. Their methods to pull me down don't have an effect on me anymore.
It's fine. I'm fine.
"Good morning everyone." A familiar, high pitched voice drains my ears, but my eyes are still focused on the wooden table in front of me, my fingers running back and forth. How long do I have to endure this nightmare?
"I hope your holidays were enjoyable. I wish you all good luck in this new school year," the teacher mumbles, a silent sigh escaping my lips. It's been only 5 minutes but I'm already exhausted."And it's an honor to tell you guys that someone new has joined our class. Could you please introduce yourself, darling?" The teacher's voice keeps getting louder but somehow only the half of the words leaving her lips, seem to reach my ears. Something about a new student.
My eyes are still glued on the wooden table as I try to read what's been written on the table. "If you sit here you're a loser." I smirk inwardly as a high boy's voice keeps echoing through my ears. ".. and that's why I had to change schools."
"You did amazing, darling. Thank you for your introduction. You can sit down on a free seat now." I laid my head on the wooden table as footsteps approach me, closer and closer, until stopping directly in front of me. "Can I sit here?" What? I hold my breath, looking up at the owner of the voice, mustering the light smile glued on his porcelain-like face. A chocolate-brown mob seems to cover his head like a halo, deep brown, almost black, pair of orbs looking straight at me. I take a deep breath, realizing what I am doing. I'm looking at him. And that I look back at my table, ignoring his presence.
"You don't want to sit there trust me. Come and join us," A boy shouts from the row in front of me but I don't really care to be honest. All I want is him to stop looking at me.
"O-okay." The boy leaves and with that the strange aura he's surrounded with. But weirdly, I still feel uncomfortable. When I laid my eyes on him, I didn't see this special something, which I normally see on everyone else. I didn't see the rottenness of his soul or.. a facade.
No. This can't be. I close my eyes and again, for probably the millionth time and drift into my own world, escaping my thoughts.
Oh, little did I know that this certain boy would be to one who would paint my life in every possible color then I would have thought. I would have begged him to stay, to stay by my side.
But in the end I decided to stay quiet, shutting myself out once more to escape into my very own comfort zone.
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Hey, cuties! This used to be a novel I worked on but I decided to turn this into a nomin fanfic :) I know, the first chapter isn't very special, but it's important to understand Jeno. There will be action in the second chapter!
I hope you all still enjoyed the first chapter. Leave a lot of feedback please ❤️