Among whom also we all had our conversation in times past in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind; and were by nature the children of wrath, even as others. But God, who is rich in mercy, for his great love wherewith he loved us.
- Ephesians 2:3-4
Hold fast to dreams,
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird,
That cannot fly.
- Langston Hughes
"When you marry, I declare that I shall be allowed to engage in a most violent fistfight with your husband."
"Brother, really, must you be so ridiculous in your searching for a fight?" Anneth chided, rolling her eyes.
Her brother laughed, and there were many who found it a wonder that he had not yet found a bride, for the ellon was fair of face and handsome, strong, and yet he was content to be solitary.
All while his sister wanted nothing more than to not live a life of solitude.
"No, I merely do not enjoy encouraging the idea of an ellon fawning over you and–" Voronen retched, shuddering at the thought.
"And what, Voronen?" Anneth responded with complete and utter amusement, laughter dancing in her eyes.
"And–" he shuddered again, "–oh, I can just imagine you just completely enthralled by the idea of a husband, Anneth! You are ridiculous, not I."
"Oh, but it is romantic and the perfect stuff of dreams!" she exclaimed, leaning on the edge of beginning one of her daydreaming spells. However, her actions were only meant to elicit a reaction from her brother, which worked perfectly. Voronen pushed her shoulder, immediately being met by a glare from his sister.
"You and your dreams." Voronen shook his head, on the surface appearing to be appalled by his sister's longings, though deep within him, he wished that Anneth could have all her dreams fulfilled, and that which her heart longed most for would be given her.
He saw in her what she could not see in herself, things such as courage, strength, and bravery. It was in her, he knew it, and someday it should make itself known, to the surprise of others and herself also. Voronen never would tell of this, for she believed she knew that strength and courage were not in her and would never believe that of herself.
Even as she complacently saw herself as a terrible warrior, bearing mediocre strength at the most, she had strength in her. It was the strength found in the hope and faith that she held in all that occurred around her, something he believed made her strong.
From there, the brother and sister walked together home, and were greeted by their father at the door, who ushered his two eldest children in the door gladly. Supper was eaten speedily, as usual, and much conversation soon followed. Laineth banged the table with a wooden spoon, reveling in the magnificent racket she was creating, giggling uncontrollably, much to the annoyance of all, though the annoyance was masked by the pure innocence and adorableness of the little elfling.
And when she went to put her sister to bed that night, she wondered if she should ever have children of her own. She wondered what they would be like, how she would teach them.
Of age she was to marry, and many of those she called her friends had already found those that they would spend the rest of their lives with. Anneth was indeed content to wait for her prince, even if he should not truly be a prince, for she knew such a thing never would occur, and that did not bring her disappointment in the slightest. She only wished for a companion, a husband who would love her, and she would love him also. To be assured in her heart that this friend was one for eternity, and in all things they would be bound, naught could pry them apart. Even death itself could not make itself a force with enough strength to destroy such a relationship and bond.
As she walked from her sister's room to the dining table once more, all these thoughts flooded in her mind, and for one moment she wondered why Eru and the Valar had not yet seen it fit to give her a husband.
Her father smiled as he watched his daughter ascend the steps, recalling the days when she was but an elfling, never losing a shred of imagination. The day she left his home to marry would be a bittersweet one. And he knew the day would come, the day when he must give up his daughter to the arms of an ellon who had come and taken her heart away. He would not rue that day, no, for he had taught her well, and she make a wonderful wife someday.
But for now she was under his roof still, and now was the time when all wisdom that he had gained in his years must be given to her.
Anneth lay in her bed, eyes trained on the window, gazing at the stars. She was already dreaming, already thinking of the future that was not hers, that would not be hers for many years, it seemed. Perhaps it would never come to pass.
In this moment, Anneth first realised that her dreams and wishes may never come at all, and, though she already knew this, she also came to understand that it was necessary that she be content with the life given her now. It would do her no good to despise a life where her dreams were just that: dreams, unfulfilled wishes, yearnings that were only a part of her mind.
Yet even then, she did not want to imagine such a future. No, she refused to accept that as a reality, in all her stubbornness.
Yes, it was better that she be content, but to be content while being alone was too great a burden for her to bear. Or so she believed.
In silence I dawdle unproductively in the gardens, doing nothing of importance.
Oh, who can be fooled, for I wish that Legolas would find me and we might speak and laugh together, even if it be merely as friends.
I am sure it is unhealthy the amount of my thoughts that dwell on him and no longer attend to other occurrences; it as if nothing but him bears meaning any longer, and it is his presence that brings to me meaning.
Eru have mercy, for I lose all my reason and ability to think, all wisdom forsakes me.
The ellon is far from perfect, impulsive, given to choosing before any true thought is applied. At times he has believed he is wise when he is not, and many faults he does have, and yet I cannot use those faults to cause my heart to cease to long for him. When he smiles, it is as if all stops for but a moment; when he laughs, I cannot stop myself from laughing also, and his mere presence is enough to send my heart into frantic pounding. It is utterly stale and grossly sentimental that I should even think this, but it is true. I wish to say that it is unfortunate that it be true, but if I should tell myself that I do not wish that these things were true, I would brand myself a liar and fill myself with denial.
My foolish mind wishes to abandon all reason and succumb to what I feel in my heart, but feelings are false and often lie. If there be no true and wise reason to pine after Legolas, then I will not encourage myself to do so.
Dragging my hand along the branches falling from a nearby tree, I watch as leaves flutter quietly down to the earth, kissing the stone pavement softly, and brushing against the dirt with careful touch. The signs of autumn surround, and 'tis truly a beautiful sight to behold.
"You love him, Authiel, I know that you do, and it shall do you no good to continue to deny it," a voice breaks through the silence, Elladan walking briskly toward me, arms crossed across his chest, and his brow crinkled. "I am sorry. That may have been harsh–"
"Are you angry that I have been so foolish?"
"No, not in the slightest. Only, if it had been any other ellon, I would have rejoiced for you, and yet you have chosen him. It is for the heartbreak that I mourn, gwathel, the uncertainty of letting your heart lie in his hands. He is a prince, and though there would be nothing wrong if he was the one for you–I am not articulating this properly," he sighs. "Forgive me."
I glance at my feet doubtfully, having told myself all this before, with no avail.
"I know very well what you mean. I have told it to myself. I know that it will never be known to him how deeply I care for him, and I know that this all is a mirage, a creation of my mind."
Elladan peers down at me questioningly, unbelieving of my words. "Do you truly believe it is all created by your own mind?"
"That is what I tell myself. And that it the only probable situation, Elladan, it is the only one. I cannot risk believing otherwise."
He shakes his head. "Could you–have you ever believed for even one moment that he might love you?"
Immediately my mind conjures up the moment when he took me in his arms, the fleeting moment in which I thought I might believe he cared for me.
My voice comes forth from my lips strained and quiet, "Yes."
He chuckles.
"I have known the prince since he was young. I have not seen him so taken by another until now. Lose not the hope that has brought you this far, Authiel. Do not forget it. Do not let faith slip through your fingers, nor the times you have been given now."
I know from the surface what his words mean, though in them is a deeper meaning that I do not bother to discover, all for fear.
"It is the week next that the Fellowship is to depart. He asked me not to tell you, but I believe I must," he says, before turning and leaving.
A week. Half of a fortnight.
Why, it seems but a few days past that Amarwe left and Thandion nearly perished.
Most of these passing days have been spent with my mother, who had a conniption when she heard of my adventure. She had berated me for a few moments, before engulfing me in a comforting embrace, mumbling about how proud Ada would be. I have rarely been left from her sight when I spend time inside, for she worries I shall have grown too fond of the thrill and wish to experience it further, which is hilariously far from the truth.
I do not wish to see such horror again, nor do I long to see any I love drawn into it, though I know that it is inevitable.
For a short time it seemed some of the grief and sorrow that daily plagues her had faded some, but now it has returned. I know well, much too well than I would like, that I cannot leave these shores. I will not, and yet I wish to, if only to return a true, bright, and lively smile to my mother's face.
For a short time I have known Prince Legolas, and yet it as if I have known him for a long while, though the time that I have been acquainted with him has been brief and fleeting.
To recognise how completely transient any connection I have to Legolas is frightens me, and even further am I frightened to realise how I have come to care for him in such short a time.
I want nothing more to strip these faulty feelings that my heart has conjured from myself, yet I wish still to cling to them, for hope they give me. I can believe for a moment, even if for but a single hasty moment, that there is hope, that he loves me and I love him also. It is all I have ever longed for, all I have dreamed of has seemed to materialise, the one face that had remained blank now bearing the unmistakable features of the Prince of Mirkwood.
"I will not leave until you bid the prince farewell," Laineth declares.
"Really, you need not do that, sister. Legolas does not mean quite that much to me," I answer quickly.
Laineth snorts. "You are ridiculous, dear sister. Oh yes, he means not a single thing at all to you. It is not as if you are madly in love with him!" she scoffs.
"I am not madly in love with him."
"Oh, but you are, Authiel. You love him and would gladly stand by his side for the remainder of eternity if he asked it of you."
With a teasing tone in her voice she says this, for she has taken to incessant teasing, yet what she says is true. There has been no one I have seen or met that I have longed to be near as long to be near the Prince of Mirkwood.
I swallow.
"Sister, why do you continue your moping about him? At the very least, he fancies you. What is there to mope about?"
"Everything, Laineth." Now I am merely being dramatic.
"'Tis entirely clear and obvious. When you decided you were going to bring yourself near death and he brought you back, there was such gentleness and caring in his mannerisms with you that I would have vomited if I had not been occupied with more urgent matters. Like my husband being nearly dead. I could never thank you or repay you for what you did."
I shake my head. "It was not my own strength, Laineth, you know that well. It was only by the grace of the Valar and mercy of Eru Himself that I was not killed. It was folly for me to believe I could do anything to help."
"He stayed with you until he himself nearly fell asleep, did you know that?"
"No. Why did you not tell me?" I ask her, struggling to hide the smile that breaks out on my face then.
"I did not think it important."
"Important? What part of that is unimportant?!"
"Calm yourself, Authiel. Oh, I am enjoying this far too much!" she exclaims, laughing.
"If I did not know much better, I would surely believe you were older than I by the way in which you speak to me," I tell her, purposely looking down at her as to remind my little sister that she is yet smaller in stature.
"I have fallen in love. You have not. 'Tis one of the few things I am wiser than you in, sister, and I intend to exploit such a fact to the best of my ability."
"Oh, I am leaving now, far away from you and your teasing."
"Shall you sail away into the west with your gallant prince, Authiel?"
"He is not my prince, Laineth, merely a prince."
A glare I send her way, wondering how in Arda I managed to place myself in a world where my younger sister teases me until I am sure I would break her neck if I did not love her.
For a while longer I tarry in my sister's home, assisting her in packing things to be sold before she sails. I hate every moment of it, even as I cherish the time I have with my sister.
And I still cannot believe Amarwe is gone. In my mind, still she is here, and if I were to walk a quarter of a league to the northwest, I will find her dwelling, neat and tidy, bearing the scent of summer flowers at all times.
When the night falls and the moon takes his place in the sky, I walk somberly out of the doorway, bidding Laineth and her husband goodnight, silently wishing to have what my sister has. A lifelong companion.
I am not jealous, nor do I bear any envy toward my sister, but I cannot stop myself from longing for another to have beside me for the rest of time.
This night I do not believe I can bear to see Legolas, as much as I wish to. The things I wish that he would know and also wish that he would not know all at once weigh heavy in my heart, more than they have before. And soon he will leave and be gone, soon it will all be proved to be false, and I shall look back on my infatuation with Prince Legolas and laugh heartily at how foolish I was.
That is what I tell myself, yet I do not believe a word of it. I do not believe I can merely forget and let this all become as a passing thought that never did hold much substance.
Numbly do my feet lead me home, to the house I have lived in since the day I was born, the only thing I have known to call home. Though I have dreamed endlessly of a home that is all my own, with children scuttling about, and a husband by my side, it shall come not. That dream is but a dream, though I wish to find hope even when there is none.
Immediately as I arrive on the doorstep, Nana open the door and allows me in. Wearily, I flop down on a chair and close my eyes, imagining that there is next week shall never come and that Legolas is not leaving with the Fellowship and Laineth is not sailing after he leaves.
"Iell nin, why do you give yourself no hope in anything? Why must you look upon every other situation with unfailing optimism and for this allow your hope to fly away and be swept into the whirling wind? Do you not believe that there always can be hope?"
"I want to see hope, Nana, I want to cling to it with all I have and fight to hold on to it, but I cannot. Or rather, I do have hope, but wish that I did not, for when the hope I have is proved in vain, I fear it shall scar me more than I could imagine."
She smiles comfortingly, and with her voice gentle and kind, she says, "'Tis for fear that you abandon hope, iell, and fear never served a soul well. It would do you good to remember this. But if you wish to abandon hope, I am not one to stop you. Do as you see fit.
"If you think it wise to forget what has brought you here, then do so. But remember, that does not suddenly cause it to be truly wise."
I'm SORRY GUYS FOR BEING SO CRAPPY AT UPDATING
does anyone even read this anymore lolol
anyway i love you guys
may your pantries be full of lembas bread as i go to find the Sun